Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.

 

Rasta Heaven.

Screenshot_344Last night I had this weird dream I was in Heaven and I was wearing a long tie-dye dress(similar to the one here, the pattern and colour but not strapless) only in the Rasta colours instead of the traditional rainbow colours and my orange Converse hi-tops with a crown of daisies in my hair. I know, you’d think sunflowers since I love them so much but I guess it was a practicality thing as sunflowers are just way too big and wouldn’t fit or be practical and daisies are much smaller and better suited for that kind of thing. Usually in those kind of dreams I’m wearing a loose, long flowing white gauze dress and bare feet with the crown of daisies in my hair.

BuddyLump This is also the lump under Buddy’s eye. He seems ok otherwise though; still playing, running around, barking if someone comes to the door, tracking scents, going on long walks, sniffing out mice, chasing chipmunks, etc. I also had this major panic attack last night at bedtime that he has cancer and he’s dying and it just felt so real  and I was convinced he was dying and I was losing him I was crying and crying, my heart was breaking  and I was sobbing heavily the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and I snuggled him close to me and I got his fur all wet.I felt so despairing, so desolate, so shattered, so gutted.

I was so worried and fearful it kept me awake half the night. I hope NOT though, just a fear, and maybe it’s even just allergies or something,too causing the swelling and not a tumour, but in any case, in case he doesn’t have too much time left I’m going to ensure he enjoys what time he does have left, spending as much time as I can with him, loving on him as much as possible, doing his fave. things I know he loves and enjoys,making him happy, making his Last Days as fun-filled, love-filled and enjoyable as possible and so that he knows how much he’s loved. I don’t even want to live in a world without him though; he’s brought love, joy,and light into my life, gives me a reason to get up every morning and to keep going each day. My world revolves around him; he is my heart.

Buddy5 I also took this photo of Buddy and I sharing an ice cream and I love the way it turned out with the shadow effect. So cool.

moi Progress on my Smile Project. It’s hard for me to smile, but I’m trying. Someone also stole the 23 YR old’s bike from the shed in our fenced-in backyard. People SUCK.

Moving Day.

Movers

For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.

Never Good Enough.

IAm I was mentioning something or other about Heaven and my hubby snorted to me, Yeah….like you’re ever going to make it there!  I told him, What can you say? At least I have a strong faith in God, cultivate and nurture that faith, go to church, respect God, and don’t blaspheme holy things, unlike you! What an asshole, and who is he to say,anyway? Only God can judge and at least I try; I make an effort, work towards that goal and have tried to raise my kids godly. Even though they’ve turned away from it at least I did try. I’m really pissed-off though; who does he think he is to say I’m  not worthy of Heaven, that I’m not good enough to make it; what makes him think that he’s “qualified” to judge anybody? He’s a godless heathen! Ultimately,and what really matters, is what God thinks, not other people, and on Judgement Day we will all have to face Him and he doesn’t care if we’re pretty or popular, or smart, or successful; He will judge us on our heart; what we’re really like on the inside, on how much love we have, how much love we give, how kind we are, how compassionate and sympathetic, how we treat others, how much we do the right thing, even when no one else is looking, on our integrity and ethics, on how much we respect and obey Him, how strong our faith is, what kind of person we are…

As well, my hubby also made a snarky comment that I’m to blame, that it’s my fault for having White Matter Disease in my brain, causing me to be forgetful and confused like an old timer with Alzheimers and when I asked him, Really? So does that also mean if it turns out I have a heart defect, or even cancer, that that’s my fault,too?……and the asshole said, yes. Words can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am with him and how every second of every day I just can’t stand living under the same roof as him anymore(I can’t even bear to look  at him anymore) and just have to get out.I want to divorce his ass and start over; a new life, a new beginning, where I might actually have a shot at being happy but I can’t do it on my own; I need help. The other day Patti and I discussing my toxic family she also asked which of my kids is the nicest to me and I thought for a minute and it’s the oldest and the 18 YR old.

I went to the lab and had more blood work done again as well and got my heart CT scan app’t booked for next week and Patti said she should be able to find out in early March if her dog is pregnant or not….if Buddy is going to be a father…. if her dog is Buddy’s Baby Mama! I don’t really think she’s thought ahead about puppies though as with her perfectionist neat-freak obsessive personality I don’t think she’s aware how messy puppies are; they pee and shit everywhere and chew things up….that’s just going to drive her crazy. She also hadn’t thought ahead of the expenses,either; when we bred our Chihuahuas years ago back in the 80’s the mother needed to eat more prego, and calcium supplements in her diet as well as pre-natal vitamins and she needed an x-ray to check the pups and complications at birth she needed a cesarian with cost 800$ (and that was back then)…and it turned out she died and we had to hand-raise the puppies, incl. feeding them every 2-3 hours,incl. during the night, with a special formula and then they need 3 sets of vaccines before you can sell them at 8 weeks +….in a way it would sort of serve her right if after that she’s not even pregnant….ha,ha…

Running.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 05.11 PM It seems that I’ve been running my entire life. Always wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, restless, longing, wanting to run away from who I am, from myself, from where I am, always wanting to be someone else; anyone else rather than me, reinventing myself, trying to run away from and escape my life, myself, all the trauma and pain in my life, trying to escape all my self-loathing and self hatred, my lack of self confidence and self-esteem. I have been running from my enemy, from my past, from my memories, myself, my hurt, my pain, my brokenness, my life.

It started when I was molested as a kid from ages 4-12, and then from the years of bullying as a young teen,and then only carried on, continued,and worsened with being rejected and unloved, outcast and undesirable as an adult, plus trying to hide and run away from my Asperger’s, social phobia, bipolar, and depression, and all the traumas, misfortunes, bad luck, failures, failed hopes and dreams, disappointments, and general overall misery and  f*cked-up-ed-ness in life, it just took a toll after awhile until I couldn’t do it anymore and just shut down, eventually dropping out of life pretty much completely.

Just keep running….

That’s why I look forward so much to Heaven. I will be healed and made whole. I won’t look like this or feel like this anymore. I will accept myself and maybe, just maybe, even be able to love myself, or if not, at least be okay with myself and with being me, and not be beaten down by self hatred and always wanting to run away from who I am, change who I am, hide who I am, re-do who I am, etc. I will feel loved, valued, included, good enough, welcome, a sense of belonging,self acceptance, worthy, happy, fitting in, and everything else that I’ve never felt here in my life. I will no longer have the instinctual need to run and hide in fear from danger; I will instead have something to run to and not away from,and no one will ever make fun of me or make me feel badly about myself ever again. I will find peace.

Out Of Focus.

Screen Shot 12-17-17 at 06.41 PM Right as soon as I woke up in the morning I felt dizzy, was staggering around, had a headache, felt light-headed, “woozy” and out of focus, and then later on in the day my nose started to run and I was sneezing so I think I’m coming down with something ( just in time for Christmas,too, just my luck!) most likely a cold) and my mother said she’s feeling the same way as well, esp. dizzy and staggering around so she must be getting it,too. The 23 YR old’s GF also thought her Strep Throat was coming back again as her throat was starting to hurt and she didn’t feel “right” so she went to the hospital as she thought she needed more antibiotics but it turned out she just has a winter cold but being from California she’s never had one before (we get them several times a year here) so she didn’t recognize it or know what it was. The 23 YR old also went with her and got his knee checked as well which has been bothering him and he has a torn ligament and got a prescription for some kind of cream he’s to apply to it. Bad knees run in my hubby’s family though so it’s genetic and just something he inherited.

Buddy also hasn’t shit in 3 days as he refuses to go in the cold but I don’t know how much longer he can hold off and I don’t want a “surprise” in my room during the night as he can only hold it for so long and if he’s waiting for it to warm up that won’t be until spring, until April and he can’t  wait that long, and I also had a dream I met my eternal companion; he was blonde and had curly long-ish hair and looked like a rock musician and his name was David. Could he be the one that loves me, misses me, and is waiting for me in Heaven?

Indian Summer.

Screen Shot 09-15-17 at 07.18 PM These past few days (and the next expected few as well) have been so nice and warm it feels like summer again after being cold and looking and feeling like  fall for the past 2-3 weeks. It had even been 7 C in the mornings and it was so cold I could even see my breath and had to start off the day wearing long pants and a sweater and I even closed my bedroom window and hadn’t used the A/C in a long time…..but now for the past few days it’s been so nice, yesterday it was 27 C with a humidex of 34 C and I was back to getting my suntan on after not being able to for awhile as it was too cold and I was even starting to fade. We’re now having what they refer to as Indian Summer and I love it. Technically, it still is summer, but once Labour Day comes, school goes back,and September comes it feels like fall and cools down and just doesn’t seem like summer anymore, but I’m grateful for this little piece of summer back again, however brief it may be, and I’m enjoying every minute of it as long as it lasts.
Screen Shot 09-15-17 at 07.35 PM This is also my friend I’s ( from grade 8 ) 7 foot sunflower that she planted in her garden. She said she planted a bunch of seeds in May but only 2 plants came up, this one and a 5 foot one. I love sunflowers and I hope to plant some in my own garden next spring….if I’m still alive, that is. I also had this weird thought cross my head as well that maybe I’ll die on 21 September, the first day of fallthat when summer ends I end,too. That would just be the strangest thing though. I die when summer dies. How poetic.

I’d actually be disappointed if it turns out that I don’t have cancer too as I was hoping I was dying soon and I was looking forward to it, eager to be (hopefully!) in Heaven shortly, that finally  my time had come, that what I’d been waiting for for so long had finally arrived, and after all those suicide attempts, this is my chance, I’ll finally be free….. but if it turns out that it’s not, that it’s just an infection or a cyst, or kidney stones or something, and that I’m not dying anytime soon and will still be expected to live another 20-30 more years I’ll actually be really let-down and disappointed. Yeah, watch with my luck it’ll end up like that. Most people would be relieved and glad to not have cancer, but then again, I’m not like most people. I’m also ready to die, and I have been for a long time.

I also had a thought: the reason marijuana is illegal in most places is because, well, let’s face it, it makes you feel good and the gov’t doesn’t want you to feel good; they want you to suffer, to feel like a piece of shit,(why do you think taxes were invented?) so they outlaw anything that makes you feel good.That’s what I think,anyway….

Scottish-Irish.

Screen Shot 09-09-17 at 11.04 AM Yesterday I went to a Scottish-Irish festival. I felt really sick and faint all day too  and I really had to haul my ass out but it’s only one weekend a year so I dragged my sorry ass out so it’s a good thing that I didn’t collapse.I felt all sweaty too(even though it wasn’t even hot) and was worried that I would pass-out but I made it thru ok. I just didn’t stay long. This year they charged admission though, 5$ each so my hubby just dropped me off. I listened to bagpipes reminding me of when I was in Scotland and watched Irish dancing reminding me of when I was in Ireland. I also looked around at the vendors but I never got any food as I’d just ate before I’d left. “Aunt Flow” also came yesterday, 9 days late, so now not only do I have abdomenal pain from what I suspect to be either kidney stones or some kind of cancer, but now I have cramps as well. How lovely. Just in time for church today,too. It has a habit of always coming at the worst time.

This is also a photo of a psychedelic, hippie hippo from the swearword colouring book  the 22 YR old’s GF got me ( it’s soooo me….does she know me, or what?) that I meticulously coloured in with glitter crayons, the first picture in the book that I did. It took about 2 HRS to do. I was laying down on the couch feeling sick so it was a perfect thing to do. I feel like I’m fading away more every day, like  I’m a pencil sketch and  an artist is erasing a little bit more of me away each day until I get lighter and lighter and completely fade away and just disappear….

It also feels lately that the” veil” between this world and the next is getting “thinner” and closer and closer all the time, each day, that I’m getting nearer and nearer to it, like I can almost reach out and touch it, and I remember when I was in Cuba back in May walking along a small bridge to the beach I felt this “impression”, I’m dying, this will be my last trip. so I wonder if I really am going to die this year afterall, when I’m 50 like I’ve always thought? If so, I only have 3 months or so left…it’s exciting to think so; in just 3 months or less I could be in Heaven!!

I read somewhere as well that arsenic poisoning symptoms are similar to the symptoms of bladder cancer(I’m losing my appetite now,too)….really?….maybe my hubby wasn’t joking when he said he was poisoning me…maybe he really is, and that’s what’s causing the kidney damage (and other symptoms and pain) that will eventually kill me? Maybe it’s not cancer afterall, but arsenic poisoning which symptoms mimic bladder cancer? I also discovered if you listen to opera music on weed it feels like you’re riding a rainbow.(it’s awesome by the way.)

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

Commencer Votre Journee.

Screen Shot 07-15-17 at 06.49 PM I was reading the back of a cereal box yesterday as I was eating  and it said in French, Commencer votre journee which means Start your day….except I had my weed so I thought it said Start your journey, you know, kind of like a mixture of French and English, as my mind wasn’t processing too efficiently. So then I thought maybe it was meant as some sort of message or sign for me regarding my future. I’m going to be starting a journey in life. Starting over. Starting again. Something new. A new journey in life. How exciting!

But what?

It could still be true, though, but if so I wonder if it’s a new life I’ll be starting over as in moving out and living on my own, or maybe even finding love and happiness later in life, or if it means a new beginning in Heaven, that my journey will soon begin there? Change is scary but I also know that I don’t want to keep going on like this,either, and I hope I am going to embark on a journey soon that will transform , change, and renew my life….

Until then I will start each day. Start each day with hope as I wait for my journey to begin.

As well, I have bad abdomenal pain and cramps again as I often do, and I’m bleeding again too even though “Aunt Flow” finished over a week ago, and that’s what happened last month as well; bleeding in-between periods, but I guess it’s just the menopause because I get alot of hot flashes,too, but it’s really annoying whatever it is and I’m too old for this shit now. I’ve been itchy alot as well so it might be my liver acting up again, and I’ve also been woken up by headaches the past few days,too that start as a stiff neck and work their way up the back of my head.

We also heard really loud fireworks last night, and they lit up the sky and kept loudly going boom!-boom!-boom! and they were the big professional ones and at first I wondered if the military base was under attack and poor Buddy was frantic and freaking out and he was trembling and shaking and whimpering and hid under the bed, poor little guy. He hates any really loud noise, such as fireworks, thunder, or gunshots.