Officially Stupid.

Screen Shot 01-05-18 at 06.03 PM So now the CT scan showed I have White Matter Disease, basically a degenerative brain decline, most likely caused by my high BP, it explains why I struggle with problem solving, have trouble understanding stuff, need things repeated, am forgetful, have difficulty with certain concepts, struggle with everything, am out of focus, get confused, etc..(on top of my Asperger’s which has already made everything a struggle for me). and it only gets worse and my family has always made fun of me and belittled me, calling me stupid and shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, face-palming, etc. showing their displeasure, frustration, annoyance, condesending remarks, disbelief, etc.. at my ineptness, incompetence, lack of intelligence and understanding and inability, at my comments, etc.. yet now I have an official medical diagnosis and reason why. I have a reason.

I’m not just stupid I’m officially stupid, officially medically diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder that’s causing brain and memory decline, I’m not just doing it on “purpose” to annoy them and I haven’t always been this bad and I’ve lost what little “smarts” I did used to have before. I wonder how that makes them feel now though; for making fun of me and putting me down for something I can’t help and have no control over, for bullying and being intolerant of a disease, a disability, that I can’t help? They probably still don’t feel badly, regret it, or care though, since they’ve always hated me, blamed me, and berated me for my Asperger’s, bipolar, and social phobia as well, also disabilities that they mock me for but I are beyond my control; it’s like making fun of handicapped people,like a blind guy , someone with Down Syndrome, or in a wheelchair, which they also do. The 23 YR old joked I officially have half a brain now but it’s like a senior with dementia or Alzheimer’s; they can’t help it and it’s just sad to see someone’s mind and memory slipping away, to see them lose who they are and to struggle with simple tasks they could once do, or wandering off and getting lost, forgetting their own address(I forget my phone number all the time and mixed up my postal code the other day and never know what day it is), not recognizing family, etc. and it’s something that needs compassion and understanding, not mocking and criticism,and besides, we’re all going to get old someday and decline.

My hubby said now I’m losing my mind and the way he said it and the way he looked at me I could tell he just seemed so….disgusted and fed up. How does he think I feel? My only hope is that either I die before it gets too bad or at least that I forget all the shit in my life and all the trauma, bad luck, and horrible things I’ve had in my life; that I’ll reach the point I won’t even know who I am or what’s happened in my life or how my family treats me. Maybe that’s the gift God’s giving me, the blessing, the answer to my prayer? Maybe He’s not removing all the shit from my life or removing me from my life but rather instead He’s removing my memory of it? Maybe that’s the key to my happiness? If I don’t remember, I will no longer be scarred and broken.

The diarrhrea and rectal bleeding is also back again(and with a vengeance!) as well and I don’t mean just a little…..and the abdomenal pain and cramps with it are so bad it’s the kind of pain that just makes you curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and curl your toes, and every time the shit squirts out I could see the blood gush out with it, and the toilet bowl’s filled a bright red and looks like someone’s dumped a bunch of cherry Kool-Aid in there so I wonder if the colon polyps are back again? It’s also – 42 C yesterday and today with the wind-chill; bone-chilling cold and too cold for human existance, and when I commented online about a woman going topless at a festival who complained when she got groped and I said walking around like that with her boobs hanging out what does she expect someone accused me of being a man with a rapist mentality until I told them, No….I’m actually a woman, so wrong! It’s like dangling meat in front of a dog and then acting surprised when it snatches it….while I agree that men shouldn’t rape I also think that women shouldn’t be teases either; it works both ways.

I also had this ongoing argument with my mother and hubby about what defines “fast food”:  they say any pre-cooked, pre-prepared food qualifies even if purchased from the grocery store, such as rotisserie chicken, chicken strips, subs, etc. but I say it has to actually come from a restaurant, not a store, otherwise it’s just groceries; it’s just regular food, not fast food and so I went online to check official definitions of “fast food”…..and I was right! They all said it has to come from a  “restaurant” or kiosk. So, HA!!Suck it!!


Shit On A Stick.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 04.36 PM I went to the doctor’s and had my BP checked. It was the nurse that did it,actually; I never even saw the doctor himself. She had the BP cuff attached on for several minutes and it automatically squeezed on and off, constricting like a huge snake, cutting off my circulation and making my arm go numb, taking readings and everything’s good, all in the normal range, as to be expected since I’ve been on the meds for my high BP for 5 YRS or so now so I’d hope they’d be working!At it’s highest my BP had been 175/150! I also got a colon cancer screening test kit and she explained to me how it works and the mystery about how I get the shit sample has been solved at last!

There’s a cardboard-like thing( seen in the photo here) with 3 separate flaps on it and you don’t actually send an entire turd off to be tested, but just a smear, a fudge smudge basically, it’s pretty much shit on a stick. The kit also comes with 3 wooden “popsicle” style sticks to scrape the shit off with(ewww!) and then you put the tiny samples on the paper, 3 separate days’ worth and then seal it up and put it in the provided envelope along with the requisition form the doctor already filled out and mail it off to the lab and in 1-2 weeks the doctor gets the results. They’re basically looking for blood in the shit, which is often an indicator of colon cancer, and if it shows up I’ll get a call and go in for further testing such as a colonoscopy, which is basically like having a garden hose with a tiny camera on it shoved up my ass. I had a similar thing done at the other end 3 times ; an endoscopy, for my stomach ulcers, where the tube went down my throat and into my stomach. Most of my shits are diarrhrea though so I hope that won’t be a problem in getting a sample, that it won’t be too “runny” to stick to the paper  or to be tested. This is just so gross…..

I also got more cannabis oil, which arrived just the next day after I ordered it online, and the 15 YR old, 14 YR old and myself were in the livingroom, them playing a video game and me listening to my music, when out of nowhere the 14 YR old said to me, Your hair’s so  gross! ( my buzz-cut) which I thought was sort of mean and uncalled for, so I replied, At least I wash mine! ( in reference to her hair always being so dirty, greasy and unwashed) and then she got all offended and snippy and said that I’m “rude” when she started it and insulted me first. She can dish it out but she can’t take it, typical bully reaction, and I’m really tired of always being insulted, bullied, put down, and generally just mistreated, disrespected, and treated like shit, and I’m not going to take it anymore, and whenever anyone insults me, is mean to me, puts me down, or degrades or belittles me in any way I just give it right back to them. I stand up for myself and don’t let them push me around. If they’re going to be such assholes then I’m going to call them out on it! F*ck ’em!!