So now the CT scan showed I have White Matter Disease, basically a degenerative brain decline, most likely caused by my high BP, it explains why I struggle with problem solving, have trouble understanding stuff, need things repeated, am forgetful, have difficulty with certain concepts, struggle with everything, am out of focus, get confused, etc..(on top of my Asperger’s which has already made everything a struggle for me). and it only gets worse and my family has always made fun of me and belittled me, calling me stupid and shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, face-palming, etc. showing their displeasure, frustration, annoyance, condesending remarks, disbelief, etc.. at my ineptness, incompetence, lack of intelligence and understanding and inability, at my comments, etc.. yet now I have an official medical diagnosis and reason why. I have a reason.
I’m not just stupid I’m officially stupid, officially medically diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder that’s causing brain and memory decline, I’m not just doing it on “purpose” to annoy them and I haven’t always been this bad and I’ve lost what little “smarts” I did used to have before. I wonder how that makes them feel now though; for making fun of me and putting me down for something I can’t help and have no control over, for bullying and being intolerant of a disease, a disability, that I can’t help? They probably still don’t feel badly, regret it, or care though, since they’ve always hated me, blamed me, and berated me for my Asperger’s, bipolar, and social phobia as well, also disabilities that they mock me for but I are beyond my control; it’s like making fun of handicapped people,like a blind guy , someone with Down Syndrome, or in a wheelchair, which they also do. The 23 YR old joked I officially have half a brain now but it’s like a senior with dementia or Alzheimer’s; they can’t help it and it’s just sad to see someone’s mind and memory slipping away, to see them lose who they are and to struggle with simple tasks they could once do, or wandering off and getting lost, forgetting their own address(I forget my phone number all the time and mixed up my postal code the other day and never know what day it is), not recognizing family, etc. and it’s something that needs compassion and understanding, not mocking and criticism,and besides, we’re all going to get old someday and decline.
My hubby said now I’m losing my mind and the way he said it and the way he looked at me I could tell he just seemed so….disgusted and fed up. How does he think I feel? My only hope is that either I die before it gets too bad or at least that I forget all the shit in my life and all the trauma, bad luck, and horrible things I’ve had in my life; that I’ll reach the point I won’t even know who I am or what’s happened in my life or how my family treats me. Maybe that’s the gift God’s giving me, the blessing, the answer to my prayer? Maybe He’s not removing all the shit from my life or removing me from my life but rather instead He’s removing my memory of it? Maybe that’s the key to my happiness? If I don’t remember, I will no longer be scarred and broken.
The diarrhrea and rectal bleeding is also back again(and with a vengeance!) as well and I don’t mean just a little…..and the abdomenal pain and cramps with it are so bad it’s the kind of pain that just makes you curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and curl your toes, and every time the shit squirts out I could see the blood gush out with it, and the toilet bowl’s filled a bright red and looks like someone’s dumped a bunch of cherry Kool-Aid in there so I wonder if the colon polyps are back again? It’s also – 42 C yesterday and today with the wind-chill; bone-chilling cold and too cold for human existance, and when I commented online about a woman going topless at a festival who complained when she got groped and I said walking around like that with her boobs hanging out what does she expect someone accused me of being a man with a rapist mentality until I told them, No….I’m actually a woman, so wrong! It’s like dangling meat in front of a dog and then acting surprised when it snatches it….while I agree that men shouldn’t rape I also think that women shouldn’t be teases either; it works both ways.
I also had this ongoing argument with my mother and hubby about what defines “fast food”: they say any pre-cooked, pre-prepared food qualifies even if purchased from the grocery store, such as rotisserie chicken, chicken strips, subs, etc. but I say it has to actually come from a restaurant, not a store, otherwise it’s just groceries; it’s just regular food, not fast food and so I went online to check official definitions of “fast food”…..and I was right! They all said it has to come from a “restaurant” or kiosk. So, HA!!Suck it!!