Check this out! I finally found the awesome hippo shirt I’ve been looking for! There’s this online place that makes T-shirts and stuff and lets you create your own they custom-make for you using the photo images you send in, incl. your own face if you want.They have short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and even do pillows! I decided on the short sleeve as this way I can wear it all year in both summer and winter but the long sleeve only in winter, plus the short-sleeve one costs less. This was the perfect answer to my dilemma of never being able to find a hippo shirt with hippos all over the shirts, front, back, sleeves, everywhere…..but this is!It’s also made of the stretchy polyester material I fondly remember having shirts of as a kid in the 70’s so for me it’s nostalgic,too. So, this will be my Christmas gift from my hubby. We always do it this way as he never knows what to get me anyway(he knows I like and collect hippo things, for example, but he can’t remember which ones I already have or not) and this way he knows I like it, it’s the right size, the right style or colour, etc. I just give him the bill. ūüôā

One day a week for the next several weeks my hubby’s also in Toronto all day taking a course for work to upgrade and I¬†don’t see him all day and it’s¬†wonderful! It feels like such a huge weight’s lifted off where I can just relax and not always feel on edge like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and where I can literally¬†feel my stress level go¬†waaayy down with him not here getting in my way, getting in my face, always putting me down, cutting me off, upstaging me, proving me wrong, embarrassing me, dismissing me, devaluing me, being condescending to me, humiliating me, insulting me, etc. and I really¬†enjoy that day each week; it feels like my special Day Off, a stress-break, freedom, a sense of relief and,¬†Oh, good, he’s gone all day! Today’s the day he’s gone! I also had the job of manually expressing Buddy’s impacted anal sacs today.¬†My life is so glamorous. Ha ha.


Hippo Gallery.

hippos12¬†I could have posted once again about my shitty life,how broken and tired I am, or about how miserably unhappy I am, or how much my heart and soul aches and how I long for another life, a different life,how everyone always ends up tiring of me and leaving, how I wish I was someone else and hate it that I’m me……but I decided against it and decided to give you hippo photos instead because hippos make me smile and they make me happy and they make my heart glad and¬†everyone needs a reason to smile.















Clouds¬†Today was like¬†this. It’s also supposed to be the last really hot summery day. 29 C with humidex of 33 C. From now on it’s supposed to be more seasonal, around 19 C to 21 C range. It’s also really windy like when a storm’s coming.

BuddyAndI Love.

Screenshot_421¬†I got sunflowers. Probably the only way I’ll ever get any since I can’t seem to grow them myself.

Screenshot_422¬†My hippos I’d ordered arrived.

Today was an oddly really¬†good day. I wish every day could be like today. If I died today I’d die happy.


Thank you, Dear God, for this day. Thank you for today. Thank you for a good day.



Last night My Boy was kidnapped! The 17 YR old said she’s been hearing mice in her room during the night scurrying around and it freaks her out and keeps her awake at night so she decided to “kidnap” Buddy out of my room(where he sleeps) during the night to catch the mice in her room. So, she(along with the help of the 15 YR old and my hubby) decided to try and sneak him out of my room during the night once I fell asleep. Their original attempt didn’t go so well; there’s no way he’d ever allow anyone to remove him physically while he was guarding me as I slept, plus I also had fallen asleep with my arm around him and he wouldn’t let anyone take him away from me without a fight, and at the very least he’d bark and growl and I’d wake up, so they had to get out the¬†Big Guns and¬†lure him away instead of trying to grab him.That’s dirty pool!! My hubby used the annoying squeaker that he knows he hates and blew on that….and he came charging out of my room, following the sound….and then they grabbed him and locked him in her room!

I later woke up not too long after, realized he was gone, and let him stay for awhile, realizing what they were doing, and opened up my bedroom door(which they had closed, I guess so I wouldn’t notice anything) so he could come back when he wanted….except they’d¬†locked him in her room, but when I got up again at 5 am to go pee and I noticed he was¬†still¬† gone I was like,¬†OK, enough is enough, I’m going to get my dog and bring him back where he belongs,¬† so I picked the lock in seconds (because extractions are one of my specialties from my past; don’t ask why) and he was laying across the foot of her bed and he must have heard me as he didn’t bark and¬† his head had perked up and when he saw me his tail started wildly thumping and I picked him up and brought him back into my room with me where we snuggled in bed for another hour or so. His right eye(I¬† think the same eye that had the lump under it before) is swollen now as well, and it’s on the same side as his missing toe so maybe he hit it on the coffee table when he fell down the other day and it’s the dog equivalent of a black eye, or maybe it’s an insect bite, esp. as I¬†did also see a wasp near him the other day and heard him yelp….

hippos10¬†My friend W (in Ottawa) also told me he saw hippo home decor (such as the one pictured here) at his¬†Wal-Mart and he suggested I go to their site online and look….and¬† low and behold,¬†there it was, and on sale, too, reduced from 21$ down to 15$ so I ordered it….

hippos11¬†along with this cool hippo mug as well. I don’t drink tea or coffee¬† but I can use it for other stuff,too, such as hot chocolate( in the winter) or to store pens and pencils in. Odd though is that they don’t deliver. They deliver to the closest¬†Wal-Mart and I have to go to the store and pick it up, but they don’t deliver it to my house. I thought that was kind of weird. Just like when we first moved here we had to share taxis. I’d never seen that before. I also got a letter in the mail from the neurologist in Kingston informing me that my app’t the end of November has been changed to early November…..but the thing is I¬†didn’t even¬†know I¬†had that app’t! No one ever told¬†me (he didn’t mail me a letter with the app’t date like he usually does) so it’s good it¬†was switched otherwise I’d never have known.


The 23 YR old also made some $$$$$ doing odd jobs so he went out and bought some new clothes, incl. the ones here. I think he looks like a pimp, ha, ha(and no, he’s NOT GAY in case you were wondering; he had a long-term GF for YRS). I like and admire his expressive style though and encourage it,being unique, just as long as it’s not against God ( such as girls’ not too short or revealing or any occult symbols,Goth, or anything like that) I just hope he doesn’t get beat up by some dumb redneck or something ! He’s always been a ham,too; a funny guy and a jokester as well as one of my faves. He’s one of the three I’ve always been closest to, at least when they were younger, but now none of them love me anymore. ūüė¶

It was weird as well I was laying down and I felt like something was literally turning¬† around and¬†churning in my belly but it wasn’t my stomach; it was lower down, in my abdomen, and it actually felt like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby kick for the first time and if I wasn’t 51, in menopause, and¬†haven’t been laid in 12 years (since I got prego with the youngest) I’d even wonder if I was prego, esp. since my other symptoms are the same as while prego,too, incl. extreme fatigue, ravenous hunger, really sore lower back, no¬†Aunt Flow in 14 weeks or so, nausea, headaches, weight gain… even though the absent period is due to menopause and the hunger and weight gain either because of my heavy weed use( ha,ha!) or side-effects of my medications,or maybe it’s the way it is with menopause… but in any case, my doctor ordered a pelvic ultrasound (¬†finally!) next month to try and find out the cause of my abdomenal pain which I still have on and off. Maybe my colon’s twisting or blocking or something, or the inflamed sacs are even popping or something?



hippos9¬†Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids.¬†I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures¬†over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so¬†mad, that I yelled in his face,¬†You’re so¬†stupid! That’s¬†NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a¬†hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore!¬†I saw my¬†Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head:¬†what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s¬†real, and what I¬†think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314¬†This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were¬†freezing our asses off¬† (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I¬†do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315¬†This¬† is also one of the most¬†beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to¬†Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. ūüėÄ


The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song¬†porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls¬†Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly,¬†Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for¬†you, so you’d shut up!!¬† and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed¬†him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted¬†¬†there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced, I¬†can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit.¬†I hate being me. ūüė¶

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.


My Bloat.

NewHippos¬†In case you didn’t know, a herd of hippos is called a¬†bloat. You learn something new every day. When I went to the Ex I got these new beauties to add to my collection. It’s always fun being on the “hunt” looking for new pieces to add to my collection, which now makes up close to some 30 pieces, just the figurines, not incl. the stuffed toys,and I enjoy getting them in different mediums, too, such as in wood, stone such as marble, ivory, etc. porcelain,,brass, glass,etc. From all the walking around at the Ex my poor body’s begging for mercy as well: my back ( from carrying around my heavy backpack¬†full of hippos…..they’re right…..hippos really¬†are heavy and weigh a ton!) and legs are all really stiff and sore and are killing me. I can hardly even move. On top of that, my abdomenal pain is back again,too, so today is a¬†R&R Day: Rest and Recovery.

Collection1 Here is the rest of my collection, taken in a series of 3 photos in order to cover them all. They all now currently reside on my bedroom dresser top.


bloat2 and there you have it!

As well, my hubby and kids always mind-f*ck me by saying that the¬†Edmonton Boys take and sell drugs¬† and then they’ll never say if they’re just trying to freak me out or if it’s actually true or not, and they make fun of the way my mother and I pronounce¬†Caribbean as well: we say¬†Care-a-bee-an¬†and they said the correct way is¬†Ca-rib- bee-an but either way is¬† acceptable and correct and is most likely a regional thing, depending where you live how you pronounce it, and I’ve heard¬†other people say it the same way we do,too, even though they said it’s¬†only us that say it like that,and I know that my hubby isn’t the One for me,either; he¬†can’t be; your life-long partner¬†should make you feel loved, special, safe, secure, wanted, important, valued, protected, beautiful, respected, and the like but he makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, stupid, small, inferior, worthless, useless, insignificant, unimportant, devalued, rejected, unlovable, and diminished.

I’ve all but given up hope that there’s anyone out there for me. I mean, who’s going to want an old, fat, ugly middle-aged woman with Asperger’s, Bipolar, depression,social phobia, etc? That’s just too much baggage, too much to handle, and no return. What do I possibly have to offer anyone except for love,and is that enough? I know other fat, ugly, messed-up people find love yet somehow it always seems out of my reach and unattainable. My hubby was the “best” I could do and even he doesn’t want me anymore and got tired of me, just as everyone always eventually does. Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf people that are just meant to be alone?

I also did my hair back into a Buzz- cut again. It’s always so freeing. I almost feel “empowered” in a way, like the Phoenix rising from the flames.It’s like the true “inner” me is released and I can express my true, real self. It’s just so liberating,and let’s face it, I’m never going to be attractive anyway, no matter¬†what I do with my hair, whether I’m bald, have a Buzz-cut, short hair or long hair; it really doesn’t matter; I’m¬†still always going to be ugly anyway; it’s not like I’m going to look any¬†more ugly, and I already look like a man, so it won’t make any difference having a Buzz-cut, so I might as well just have a style that¬†I¬† like and that best personifies me and best suits me and my personality and if the right person ever should come along then he’ll¬†love me for me anyway, just as I am, Buzz-cut and all.If not, f*ck it; at least I have hair I like and I’m doing it for me,anyway.


Me For A Day.

Screenshot_195¬†My hubby, the 11 YR old and I went to the CNE, or the Ex, in Toronto. We were gone over 12 hours and soooo much walking my legs, back,and feet are killing me and I’m soooo exhausted! I had a good day though! I always love going to the Ex and being back in Toronto again I come alive and it transforms me and I feel like the¬†Old Me again. Just for one day I felt like¬†Me again, the way I used to be. The Me that lived in the city , the Me that was happy, the Me that used to laugh and have fun. The Me before I broke. Every time I go back I get a little piece of that back again, even just for a little while and it just feels so good. I was Me for a day, just like old times and I felt so free and I was even sort of hoping that it would be the day that I die, so that I’d die in the city, the same place where I was born and grew up, and so I would die in a place I love and where I was happy. Lately I have this feeling I¬†am dying very soon,too, that it’s coming¬† very close, but at least I got to enjoy one last summer and one last time at the Ex.

The weather was also forecasted to be 40 C with the humidex and thunderstorm and even though it was humid we just got a bit of rain, thank God. I was originally supposed to go last Thursday, when the weather was good for walking around the Ex; it was overcast and breezy, and then it got switched to a Saturday,and then bumped to this day as my hubby kept changing his mind and something for me is always last in priority. At one point he even indicated that he might not even have time to take me this year even though I hardly go anywhere and this is only once a year and I look forward to it all year. Going to the Ex and Christmas are my 2 fave. days of the year.


This is a photo of a gigantic garden gnome in the horticulture section I took. I also had fried gnocci for lunch and gyros for dinner. I watched 3 shows as well: one was a dance troupe from Cambodia, another dancers and acrobats from China, and another stunt people/martial artists that have been in Hollywood movies. I also¬†finally found the tie-dye skirt I was looking for and 5-6 hippos to add to my collection! One of the vendors I got one of the hippos from even came all the way from South Africa to sell his wares at the Ex….and I thought¬†we came a long way with our 2 hour drive! Buddy really missed me though being gone all day and he was sad, sulking and moping¬† around and hid under the couch all day.

On the way home my hubby started falling asleep driving, which is just as dangerous as driving impaired, so we stopped and pulled over at a truck stop in Port Hope and he napped for awhile before resuming the rest of our trip and I kept seeing lightening as well which neither he or the 11 YR old¬† said they saw, and they said was all in my head, and I know I¬†do hallucinate and I know it’s worse when I’m tired but I really don’t think I¬†was about this but it’s really embarrassing though when I hallucinate; I’m so¬†sure that I saw or heard something and then only to find out that no one else did and it was all my imagination and then I feel really stupid and embarrassed….I know I¬†did hallucinate for sure though on the way home on the highway when I “saw” silver, gold,and red lights beaming down from way up in the sky all the way down onto the highway below and they were “dancing” in the sky and it looked like the bright colourful laser show but I still do think the lightening was for real though.


Screenshot_1118¬†I am so complex and confusing I can’t even figure¬†myself out. It’s like I’m a paradox, a contradiction as in some ways I’m so feminine, girly-girl and yet other ways I’m so masculine and low-maintenance. For instance, I love flowers, pastel colours, glitter, jewellery, accessories, make-up( although I only wear it when I go to church) nail polish, lace, puppies, cute baby animals,sequins, stuffed toys,patterned wallpaper, BoHo hippie style, long flowing skirts and dresses, romance, babies, bath oils, incense, purple and pink, and the other typical frilly frou-frou sparkly things girls generally like I also like things that are more masculine as well.

For instance, I love “muscle cars”, such as the Mustang and Corvette, I wear my hair ultra-short, in a Buzz-cut or similar fashion, I love band T-shirts,¬†Converse hi-tops, pilot’s jackets, heavy music, tattoos, wear men’s shorts instead of women’s( as they’re longer in length and go down to my knees or longer)¬†¬†Vans checkered shoes, my fave. animal is the majestic and fierce hippo, and am not grossed-out by things like blood, insects, snakes, reptiles, rodents, etc.more like a guy.In fact, a guy I really liked before even chided me before saying I¬†should fix myself up and¬†be more feminine which broke my heart¬†.I also am masculine-looking too(which is a huge contributor to my ugliness) with my big long narrow face and my big build and manly features and I always thought look like a drag-queen or something.I look like an old dyke in all honesty. Isn’t it strange though how they can be so opposite and yet at the same time I’m¬†both?

I guess I just can’t be defined. I can’t be labelled. I’m not simply just this-or-that. I am complex. I am individual. I am unique. I am created by God. I am me.

Screenshot_1172¬†As well, the 15 YR old got Buddy a new collar, seen here. I have his Rasta-colours collar and leash for when he goes for a walk and this I guess is just his casual around-the-house one although he’s not used to having a collar full-time and it’s uncomfortable and he scratches at it. I looks like something¬†bit his tail as well as he’s been licking at it and when I looked there was a clump of dried hard blood, a bit of oozing blood, and a small “chunk” taken out of it and it looks like it was bitten, perhaps by a mouse or a chipmunk or something, poor boy, so I doctored it up and he just quietly lay there beside me, letting me get to work fixing him, knowing with full trust that I was helping him and would never hurt him,and then when I was all done he looked up at me with gratitude in his eyes and thumped his tail and licked my face in appreciation, as if saying,¬†Thank you! I feel much better now!¬†I was woken at 3:30 am by a scary nightmare as well his eyes had dried up and mummified into hard almost closed-up slits and I’d said,¬†My poor boy! What happened to his eyes? and my mother replied,¬†Someone must have glued them shut.¬†It was so scary and upsetting it startled me awake and once I oriented myself and reached for him and found he was just asleep and ok and it was all just a dream I went back to sleep.

The 15 YR old was also 90 minutes late coming home from her volunteer job at the mission store and I was getting really worried; worried that maybe she passed out somewhere and was laying in the middle of the street somewhere or in the hospital, or she got abducted or ran away or something; all kinds of horrible, awful scenarios playing in my head scaring the shit out of me, but apparantly my hubby and the 17 YR old knew she was working late; she’d told¬†them but no one ever told¬†me and I’m always the last to know anything. It’s like they’re all in some sort of club in my family except me. They’re all in on the know and have the¬†Members¬†Handbook¬†and I don’t.I’m always left out and uninformed even when it comes to safety issues. I’m not even included or a part of my own family. I am always on the outside looking in.