Barf Out!

barf I did this big, huge barf today, just out of nowhere. I didn’t even feel sick to my stomach or anything; it just came out! I was sitting on the toilet with cramps and diarrhrea when I suddenly got the urge to barf so I grabbed the garbage can and quickly leaned over …..and out it came,spewing out, and there was alot….must have been my entire stomach contents, and I could definitely see my whole dinner in there, the mini shell pasta very noiceable…and I was gagging and choking on the lumps. It was so gross.

For the past 2 days though I’ve been extra tired, the kind of fatigue where you even wake up tired and your eyes are burning and stinging and you have to nap and I even slept in 30 minutes later than I normally do and just feel so run-down exhausted. I also have a sore lower back.diarrhrea, and headache and abdomenal pain and now the barf,too, so I must be coming down with something. Ugh!

The first day of school went well, except they couldn’t find their notebooks so they had to go to the store in the morning and get those. They’re all in highschool now, even the 11 YR old who’s a genius and has skipped ahead 3 grades although his math is grade 10. My hubby also saw a chipmunk in the house; it ran across his desk in his office in the basement. If Buddy ever comes across it he’ll know what to do with it; the same grim fate that befell that poor mouse the other day. The pool guy’s also coming sometime later this week and closing it for the season and the water’s all green again now anyway.

Last BBQ.


This is our last BBQ of the season we had yesterday. The 23 YR old did it.The poor guy also burned his hand somehow. My hubby usually does but he was working. Next weekend is already the Labour Day long holiday weekend. Hard to believe. I can’t believe summer is almost over already. August is almost over already. Soon it will be fall, soon it will be September,  and school. This year in our homeschooling we have a mere 3 students left which isn’t many considering out of our 11 kids we had so many students to begin with in the earlier days of homeschooling and now down to only 3 and this year for the first time all 3 of them will be in highschool as well; we’ll be doing grades 9, 10,and 12. The youngest is only 11 but he’s going into grade 9 because he’s some kind of brilliant super genius. I kid you not. He’s memorized something like 35 digits of Pi and can calculate math problems in his head in mere seconds such as What’s 350 times 600?

I’m also sad to see summer coming to an end and I’m not ready yet to see it go or to let it go but I can clearly see the signs that it’s fleeting, such as it used to be bright and sunny before 6 am in the mornings but now the sun doesn’t come up until after 7 am and it didn’t start to get dark at night until after 9 pm but now it gets dark by 8 pm and some nights now it’s even dipped down quite cool, down to a chilly 12 C and soon I’ll have to close my window! The pretty summer sunsets will soon will gone, as will the chirping of the crickets and the buzzing of the cicadas, the smell of wildflowers, milkweed, and cut grass, the long, hot, hazy, lazy days of summer, the rolling dark ominous clouds of an incoming storm, the damp earthy scent after an early morning rain, the heat of the scorching rays of the sun bearing down, the ripple of the waves of the water, the smell of coconut oil, the smoke of a BBQ getting in your face, bug spray, citronella candles.the feel of the cold sand squishing in-between your toes, the juice of a ripe watermelon dripping down your chin, sweaty clothing sticking to you, etc. soon this will all be over and it makes me sad. Summer you will be sadly missed.

Soon the temps will drop. There will be a crisp cool nippiness in the air.You will be able to see your breath.Socks go on and flip-flops get put away. Bright coloured leaves will fall down. The pitter-patter of rain will be frequent, as will the slickness of wet leaves, crops will be harvested,everything pumpkin-spice will appear, heavy blankets will come out on beds at night, sleeves and pants will get longer, weary kids will head back to school, darkness will increase and sunlight will decrease, days will get shorter, the wind will pick up, jackets and sweaters will be worn, furnaces will be put on and fireplaces will be lit. It will soon be fall. I love fall, too, but summer always has a special place in my heart and if I’m to die now I’ll die grateful that I got to enjoy one last summer.


Screenshot_53 My mother’s pain is back again and so she took 2 of the 500 mg of Tylenol and then she said to me, I think I’m high! She said she feels all floaty and like I’m floating but that she didn’t like it at all as she doesn’t like not being in control. Boy, is that sure the truth; she always wants to be and has to be in control of everything and everyone; herself, her environment, other people, everything. I told her if she’s lucky she might even leave her body and to just let it go and to go with it; that it’s a nice peaceful, freeing, relaxing, liberating feeling and relieves you of stress and anxiety, to just allow it, to float along , relax, and enjoy the ride, but she didn’t and she fought against it not wanting to get “lost” in it, not wanting to “surrender” to it, not wanting to be free and just see where it takes her.I also think she was scared; maybe scared that she’d float off and never come back? She’s never really been one for adventure or the unknown,either. That’s too bad though, she really could have had quite the experience, quite the “trip.”

As well, my allergies have been so bad lately this year has been one of the worst ever and I have to take allergy meds pretty much every day this summer but it’s so bad this year that even taking Reactine still doesn’t clear up my itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose, etc. and I then have to take a Benadryl as well and sometimes also a Dayquil and even then most times the symptoms still remain, which is very frustrating and annoying, esp. when I’m trying to sleep!Yesterday was National Spoil You Dog Day as well but I spoil my dog every day. I love my boy and I let him know it and show it every day.

As I was coming back from one of Buddy’s walks I also saw someone coming down the street and I don’t see too well but oh, my God did it ever look like Patti and then I heard her shrill voice call out my name….holy shit…. I had to quickly haul ass and drag Buddy inside the house quickly and close and lock up the door behind me as I could hear her calling me louder and louder….then I hunkered down inside waiting for her to bang on the door but she never did, thankfully, so I guess she got the message. I was hoping she would just think that I didn’t hear her, but I guess it was too obvious based on how loud she was calling me and how I quickly hurried inside. That was a close one!

I feel badly scurrying off and  hiding on her like that, but she’s the one who betrayed and used and then dumped and blocked me; she’s the false friend and I have nothing to say to her and don’t need people like that. I can no longer trust her and now there’s also the worry what if she tries to take Buddy back or reports us to the school authorities or something over our homeschooling just to get me back? She’s the type that would too, and has often reported various neighbours for frivolous things to authorities, such as noise infractions, or messy yards,uncut grass, unkempt yards, tresspassing, fence heights, property lines, etc.She’s the stereotypical nosey neighbour that can’t mind her own business and always reports everyone.

The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.

The Agent.

Realestate The realestate agent came over to assess our house. I chose the same guy that sold 2 neighbours’ houses in less than 2 weeks. As it turned out he’s probably a good choice as he said he sold 200 houses last year alone and the average is between 10 and 20. He was impressed with the age (over a century) size of the house, and with the hardwood floors, the 7 bedrooms, inground pool, and the space, and large size of the lot(actually it’s a lot and a half) and large fenced-in yard, but he said we need to get rid of all the “clutter” and have some renovations and touch-ups( like paint) and things like that done before it’s ready to sell. I just remember too when he was looking around in all the rooms in my bedroom I still had that pillow with f*ck on it displayed on my bed; I wonder if he saw it? Ha, ha, ha…oh, well.

He said with the market in this area the most we’d be able to get is still 100 K less than what the average house costs in the cheaper end of the spectrum in the area we’ll be moving to, so we can’t afford it; the only way would be is to take out a mortgage( this house is already fully all paid for) to cover the extra 100 K but my hubby would have to do that and make the monthly payments as my mother’s on pension and doesn’t have the $$$$ anymore.In any case, it is because of his job that we have to move so he should be the one to pay the expense. That’s the only possible way we could do it and afford it, plus we’d put the rest of the $$$$ we’d get from selling this house into it and the mortgage would be to make up the difference that we’re short, that we don’t get when we sell this one.The agent said he’ll look into some things in the meantime and get back to us and we continue with our cleaning.

The pool guys were also supposed to come yesterday as well and check about the leak. They were originally supposed to come last week actually, but never did, and they never did yesterday,either, and now they say they’re coming today but I won’t hold my breath…we haven’t even been able to use the pool yet as the water level’s so low the pump can’t circulate the water….we tried putting the dishwasher thru another cycle as well to see what happens as a test and as soon as it started it started smoking from the back near the wall, and I mean really smoking, with a thick acrid smell, like with fire, so I was freaking out and we shut it off as well as power to it. Holy shit, that’s it, I’m not using that thing ever again!

We also finished another year of homeschooling until the fall, and my mother seems to have fallen into a depression now,too,she’s still just laying on the couch all day and I’m still the one doing all her work and she’s hardly eating anything anymore and her blood sugar’s been high; 13(it should be under 10) and she says things like Maybe I’ll be dead soon…. and made a chilling comment about having to “hide” her pills so she wouldn’t take them in a suicide attempt. It seems like she’s just given up now, like how I have, and I should know because I’ve been there and I know depression very well and I wonder too if maybe her pain is actually emotional pain being transferred as physical pain and that’s why nothing showed up on any of the tests because physically there’s nothing wrong? I often wonder if my migraines and abdomenal pain might be the same kind of thing,too?

She saw her doctor as well and I called him ahead of time to update him on the situation and to let him know my concern as she said she wasn’t going to tell him any of this but how can he help her if he doesn’t know the whole story and if she’s not able to reach out and ask for help then someone else has to reach out for her  and she said they had a good long talk and he increased her meds for the diabetes and cholesteral but she was able to convince him that she’s ok otherwise but I’m not so sure….


The Plumber.

MarioPlumber So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.

Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.

The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?

I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years  and years of traumas and  constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just  pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.

My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….

I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared,  can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.

A Day At Public School.

Schoolbus Yesterday the 16 YR old spent the day with her friend at the local highschool. She “shadowed” her friend around all day and rode back and forth on the school bus with her and attended all her classes and spent the day with her at school as she always wanted to know what a day in public school would be like since she’s always been homeschooled, along with all of our kids. Of course the local highschool in this town has the reputation of being the worst in the region of all of the towns in the area for drugs, gangs, and teen pregnancy rates( they even have a daycare right there at the school!) and even her friend that goes there hates it so of course I was worried the entire time she was there and praying that it wasn’t the day that they had a school shooting, bomb threat, lock down, evacuation, police raid, or God knows what else, but it ended up ok, thank God.

She had 4 classes: math, Home Ec, art, and science.She said she liked the science teacher  and liked looking at cells under the microscopes the most but the school work itself was really simple and stuff we had already covered in our lessons years ago and all the kids at that school are all so dumb and asked the dumbest questions and didn’t know the answers to anything, for example when a teacher asked how big a metre is a kid replied the size of his finger. She also said all the students are so ghetto and redneck and they all wear hoodies and sweatpants.She said she could easily tell by observing which kids the teachers liked and which ones they didn’t by the way they interacted with them and treated them and there was this one guy, the stoner, this one teacher absolutely hated and it showed; he was always condescending to him which is sad to hear; she said he’s just a burn-out and the teacher simply gave up on him but even so he’s still a human being and deserves to be treated with respect and this reminds me of bullying; singling one person out for targeting.

I’m surprised they had Home Ec in highschool though. I took that back in Grade 7 and it just seems so, I can’t even think of the right word….so…..remedial, maybe, for highschool, low-level for grade 11, and she took a bagged lunch like any other kid would to school and hung out at her friend’s house after and she said she had fun(but then again it was only just for one day; it wouldn’t be so fun every day) but the kids are still grateful and glad that they’re homeschooled though (and teachers and students at the school were curious about it too and were asking her questions so it was kind of like they got to learn about eachother’s worlds) and even their public schooled friends tell them they wish that they were,too, but I just hope in doing this experiment she hasn’t endangered our homeschooling in any way as she did have to get permission from the office to do it; a visitor’s pass from the Principal and signed permission from each teacher and I hope they don’t have her address and name and everything and decide, Oh, look, here’s the name and info of another homeschooling family! Lets’ report them to the school board and hassle them! Homeschooling isn’t illegal but some authorities still like to stir up trouble. My mother says now that’s the least of our concerns given our most recent crisis with my hubby losing his job and the uncertainty of it all; what will we do for $$$$, will we have to move and if so when and where, and what happens if I lose my drug coverage….but I’m thinking we don’t need yet another problem on top of it!