The Last.

Screenshot_749 Yesterday might have ended up being the last day, the last time, before I possibly hear life-changing news. My doctor’s office called and said that today my doctor himself is going to call me to discuss my scan results even though it’s only been 2 days and he wasn’t even supposed to get the results until next week, worrying me that they must have found something really bad, rushing the results to my doctor and his office contacting me, this early. Plus, the last time I got a phonecall like this from him regarding scan results I ended up having to get a colonoscopy(imagine a garden hose up your ass) and they found the polyp in my colon that was bleeding profusely….and if the results were just normal, the secretary would have just told me that yesterday when she called.

So now all these thoughts are running thru my head: what exactly did they find? What showed up on the scan with the cyst on my ovary? What did they see? How big has that thing gotten? Do they think it looks like cancer now, or what? Has it spread?  Is that something along the lines of what he’s going to tell me later today and what I have to brace myself for and prepare for; that I might even have cancer or something and he’s calling me to alert me of this concern and sending me off for further testing, such as to a specialist, or for a biopsy or even surgery to remove it? That’s what I’m kind of expecting, esp. with it being so soon, so sudden,and seeming so urgent.

So, then the thought occured to me, that maybe yesterday was my Last Day. My last day of a normal life. My last day before I find out I have cancer. The last day of living my life as it is now. The last day before my life is changed forever. The last day before a life-altering diagnosis. The last day of normal everyday life. The last day before bad news. The last day before yet another crisis to befall our family, the last day I have any semblance of a so-called “normal” life, the last day before I know, before I find out, before everything changes, before shock, fear and uncertaintly creep in, but regardless, nothing else has really changed; even if I do have cancer, for example, it’s always been there; it didn’t just appear when it showed up on the scan; that was just the day it was discovered, but it’s been there for awhile, and I’ve had abdomenal pain and bleeding issues for at least the past year now,anyway, but my doctor refused to refer me to a gyno despite my pleas.

At least once the cause of the pain is found, dealt with and removed hopefully it will finally relieve my pain…and maybe now I’ll finally get that referral! I kept telling him for months and months that something was wrong, with the abdomenal pain, the heavy painful periods and bleeding in-between and he just passed it off as woman things and just part of being a woman and something I just have to live with even though I know something’s wrong and it’s not normal and even now I’ve been in menopause for 4 months I still have the pain, and the bloating, cramping,  bad fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, etc. and I even read somewhere that ovarian cancer can be wrongly diagnosed as IBS, esp. since the symptoms can mimic other things, don’t appear until later,and it’s often not diagnosed until the advanced stages…..

Just in case it was my Last Day of “normality” yesterday before my life changes forever and the last time before Big News, at least I was able to fully savour, enjoy and capture the moment. I felt the sun on my face as I was outside walking the dog. I enjoyed eating a chocolate bar, I celebrated Ganja Liberation Day accordingly, loved on my dog, listened to some great music,watched a good TV show, and captured the moment, just in case. My abdomenal and back pain has been worse for the past few days,too, and the best way to describe the abdomenal pain is sometimes it feels really crampy, like bad period cramps or early labour, and other times it’s a gnawing pain, and other times it feels like bad constipation pain or like when you were a kid and had a bad tummyache or when the waistband of your pants was too tight and your stomach hurt. The back pain is like in labour and feels like there’s something hard pressing on it, like when you can feel the baby’s head pressing against the bottom of your spine.

The good news is though that I haven’t had a hallucination in a few weeks…..or at least not that I’m aware of,anyway,and today one of the kids also turns 24! Happy Birthday!

Reprieve.

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I think this must be my new favourite food…..only there’s nothing left by the time I thought to take a photo because it’s so good I just gobbled it up so quickly there was nothing left! It’s the yummy spicy mashed potatoes that the 23 YR old invented and whips up. He also does these really good and hot and spicy “glass” noodles. I didn’t know it at first (and found out the hard way, several hours later, when my lactose intolerance  and IBS loudly declared itself in the form of stomach pain and abdomenal cramps) but he puts lots of butter and milk in, and then adds lots of spices.  I asked him for the recipe but he says he doesn’t really have one; he just sort of makes it up as he goes along, and he doesn’t measure,either; he just puts in a pinch of this spice and a pinch of that. The end result is always so good though, like the sort of thing you’d have at a high-end restaurant, like at a French place where you’d have those fancy stuffed potatoes or something.

I also have a sort of “reprieve” on possibly having to move( which I don’t want to do, it’s always such a hassle, plus I’m settled here and this is my home and I don’t want to move) as well as the other day my mother declared, Well, at this point if we’re even going to move it won’t be until at least the spring now; no one wants to move over the winter! (Last time we did move in winter but it wasn’t by choice; we had to flee and it just happened to be in winter)So it looks like we’ll be having Christmas still here afterall then and I’m “safe” at least for a few more months I can relax and not have to worry about it. My hubby is also selling all his remote control toys( cars, motorcycles, other electronic gadgets that I’ve bought him as gifts over the decades for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day,etc.) online, saying he’s downsizing, getting ready to move, and de-clutter but to me it’s “fishy” as giving away or selling your personal pocessions and things can be an indication that you’re planning on committing suicide,too, so I asked him and he just gave me this incredulous look and a  condescending look of disdain and like he thinks I’m the dumbest person on Earth like he always does whenever I say, ask, or do anything he thinks is “dumb’ and he said it wasn’t, but who knows, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of anything I gave him, and that reminds him of me, and of us, esp. since we’ve moved something like 3 times before and he’s always taken all his stuff with him, incl. all his “Man Toys” so it just made me wonder.

My mother also was yelling at poor Buddy and body shamed him for farting ( even though it’s just a body function and we all do it!) saying it reeked and made him feel so ashamed, so guilty, so badly, and he thought he was being bad and in trouble, that he hid under the couch and was sulking, the poor old dog! I felt so badly for him and I had to coax him out. One of my friends said the next time she farts I should yell at her and my friend T (in Ottawa) said overall with the nasty way she treats me and interferes with my raising and disciplining my kids that I should send her to a home.  😀  I accidently gave Buddy my hubby’s left-over food as well; he’d left some ground beef on a plate on the table after he’d eaten and just left it there, indicating he was finished but didn’t clean up his plate or put it away and so I figured he was finished and I didn’t want it to get thrown out( because we can’t afford to waste food) so I gave it to the dog….and then later on he comes back and goes, Where’s my food? and I’m like, Uh….uh,oh…You don’t mean the plate you left on the diningroom table, do you? and when he said it was I told him, Well…..there’s still some left if you want it…..I  thought you were done and gave it to the dog….it’s on the floor….   ha,ha…

On Sunday my hubby wasn’t here either to drive me to church and it was really raining and I had to walk in the rain and I got soaked( and no, I don’t have an umbrella) and I was wearing this gauze blouse and skirt from India with bright black and red colours on a tan background on it and the black dye ran in the rain and it ran all down my legs and had this really gross musty smell, sort of like a damp basement, and later this month my oldest turns 29 as well and I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since I spread my legs and launched him into this world(and then that I still shat 10 more others out of my womb after,too!)! It just seems like not too long ago that he was just a baby, and when I was prego with him, and now it makes me feel really old.

Doubled-Over.

Screenshot_975 This is the position I’m to be found in all day due to my acute abdomenal pain. It’s so bad I can’t stand up straight and have to be hunched over with my hands clutching my abdomen. I also can’t sit up or lay on my stomach the pain is so bad(which is a problem since I can only sleep on my stomach!) and every time I change position, cough, laugh, or bend over the pain worsens.  My lower back is really sore as well and it started at 5:30 am as soon as I woke up and hasn’t let up all day,and, in fact, just continues to worsen as time goes on but I’m just going to wait it out and see if it resolves on it’s own. My mother says I should go to the ER but for one thing, I can’t sit, so I’m certainly NOT going to spend 6-8 hours sitting in the ER waiting room! F*ck that!!. Luckily I have a high pain tolerance…Maybe it’s just like I think it was with my mother’s back pain; maybe it’s nothing more than emotional pain just manifesting itself as physical pain? If so, then I’d really feel stupid for going to the hospital if it ends up to be nothing, or to just waste my time and have them just dismiss it as IBS like all the other doctors have.

This is pain on an entirely new level all on it’s own. It’s to such a degree that even weed didn’t relieve it and that’s a first; before, for other pain, even when all other meds fail (incl. codeine, Tylenol 3, Tramadol, etc) weed always works, but not this time. This pain was so intense nothing relieved it, and the heating bag didn’t do a thing,either. It first started off kind of crampy and colicky and I thought Aunt Flow might be coming(and so far it’s a week late) but as time went on the pain intensified and then it felt like when you have really, really bad gas and when you have bad constipation, and it felt like if I did a good shit it would relieve it but it didn’t ,and I shit 4 times,too, but then it still continued on to be even worse, the kind of pain where you curl your toes, clench your fists, and break out into a sweat from the pain. It’s tender when I touch it as well and when I stand up it feels like a surgical incision as it recovers.

What is going on? This is definitely something more than just IBS! I’d say something is either inflamed, infected, bleeding, or rupturing,and my first guess would be appendix, based on the severity of the pain( but it’s generalized though thru the entire abdomenal region, not just in a local spot) or maybe even colon cancer, and remember I did have the colon polyp 9 months ago, and they increase your odds of colon cancer dramatically, but it might also be an abdomenal aortic aneurysm expanding and on the verge of rupturing, esp. since that’s the way I think I’m going to die…Buddy can sense something’s wrong as well as last night he was cuddled up to me in bed extra close and all day he’s close-by even more than usual and when the pain’s extra bad he’ll come cuddle up with me and nuzzle against me,whining, licking my face, and one particular time I was outside laying on the porch swing out back and he came bolting out the back door and in a flying leap landed on top of me and was whimpering, pawing at me, licking me and barking. Maybe there’s a certain scent I emit when I’m sick or in pain or something, either that, or we’re just so close that he’s in tune with my vibes?

 

Screenshot_976 My hubby’s also cleaning and packing preparing to move and he threw out my old computer desk and replaced it with this newer, smaller one, seen here. Here is my new desk and computer area. I don’t care either way, as long as I have my own little space, my private nook, in the corner, and still enough space to put my hippos and stuff on. Just as long as he doesn’t throw out any of my hippo stuff though!

If you don’t hear from me anymore after this and this ends up being my last blog post then that means that whatever this is causing my abdomenal and back pain killed me and if so, then goodbye. My message: Love one another. ♥

Buddy’s Bump.

BuddyBump This is what the lump/bump under Buddy’s eye looks like and how big it is. It’s even bigger today but I’m hoping it’s nothing more than swelling and the thought came to me: maybe it’s even a spider bite, esp. since he has been going under my bed lately, a place that’s dark and where spiders are more prone to hang out? It may also be another kind of insect bite or sting,too, such as a wasp or mosquito. Today when I touched his snout he also recoiled and yelped, as if it was very painful and he looked at me with his big old sad Dachshund eyes and I wondered too if maybe it could perhaps even be a dental absess? My mother had that once and one entire side of her face all swelled up and she looked like a chipmunk with it’s cheeks full of nuts. That might explain his horrible breath that literally smells like dead mice and I lovingly refer to as Fish Breath and Death Breath.

When he yelped about his snout I gathered him up in my arms and drew him close to me, cuddling him, resting his head cradling against my chest , petting him, and he looked up at me, wagged his tail, nuzzled into me, and licked my hand. I just love him so much, I hope to God that he doesn’t have cancer or something and he’s not dying but in case he is( and he is 12 now) I’m trying to hold him and snuggle with him as much as I can, every waking hour, to let him know how much I love him,and in case it ends up being the last time I have the chance to do it. I can’t even imagine living without him. The past 4 years with him I’ve had love and companionship like no other and he has filled a void in my sad, lonely, empty life that can’t be replaced. I worry as well as he appears to have lost weight; I can see and feel his spine now and his skin is looser and baggier but when I weighed him it still said he weighs 13 pounds, the same as always,and he doesn’t act sick; he’s still eating, playing with his toys, runs over to greet me, wags his tail, etc. I just love him so much I worry and I can’t shake this bad feeling….

SunflowerJuly This is also my last one surviving sunflower, growing tall and doing well but will soon out-grow it’s windowsill home and I’ll have to move it somewhere else, where it can sit on the ground in front of a window to get sunlight, but not right in the window itself as it’s getting too tall. I also have this really gross black diarrhrea for the past 2 days, it looks like tar,which usually indicates internal bleeding, and it’s liquid(maybe it’s oil, HAHAHAHA; liquid gold, and that’s how I’ll get rich; I can refine it), it just squirts out of my ass and the abdomenal pains are back bad again as well and it really wouldn’t surprise me if I actually do have colon cancer afterall; it just somehow got missed in the tests and went undetected. It would certainly explain the abdomenal pain, the diarrhrea, the bleeding, the colon polyp, the significant weight loss, the changes in bowel habits…I think there’s more going on than just IBS…..

My mother was watching a movie as well and I walked in during a scene where a woman was on a dinner date with a Little Person( used to be called a dwarf) and she indicated how she was embarrassed to be seen out with him and that he wasn’t a “catch” and he was hurt and reminded her that neither was she and she’s one to talk, and she looked like a weathered, old dyke, like how I do, and it got me thinking how looking for love you shouldn’t just “disqualify”, discount, and reject people and not give them a chance because of things they can’t help, such as their height, weight, age, skin colour, race, ethnic background, religion, disability, etc. and how so many possible chances at love might have been missed because you reject someone for the most superficial reason, because they’re too short, or too fat, or they’re too old,or bald, etc..you should give the person a chance and look for what kind of person they are, look for traits like kindness, honesty, integrity, compassion, loyalty, etc. the things that really matter. I don’t mean settling; I mean not having such overly-high standards that you make it almost impossible for anyone to match up, and in the process over-look what’s really important and possibly end up missing out on a great person because you’re being too picky. I just wish someone saw me that way; that they could look beyond the physical and see the real me on the inside.

Mind If I Smoke?

BurnedDishwasher I had a load of dishes washing in the dishwasher and I was out in the backyard and when I came inside into the kitchen it smelled really bad, really smoky like someone had been smoking in there. It smelled like smoke and fire, really strong, and it was coming from the dishwasher. The 23 YR old said it was so bad that he could even smell up 3 floors up in his room. I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to smell like that(esp. since it didn’t used to before) and I called my hubby to come in and check it out, to smell the smell before it all evaporated away, but he didn’t bother but I know something’s wrong( and it didn’t finish the cycle and dry,either; the dishes were still all wet, and that’s where the heat comes in, so my guess is it short-circuited somewhere and shut itself off) and I’m afraid it might catch fire, and we already had one  fire at our old house back in 1996(an electrical fire) and we certainly don’t ever need another one, plus it would also complicate us trying to sell the house and move! I’m scared to use it again and don’t think we should but my mother refuses to have anyone wash dishes by hand again( we’ve had the dishwasher for years but it was broken; the mice had chewed thru the wires but my hubby recently fixed it) and still wants to try again but I’m scared it’ll catch fire and don’t think it’s safe and I don’t think we should use it anymore.

Yesterday one of the kids also turned 17 and I can still remember when I was 17 and it doesn’t feel like that long ago, and the chili I had for dinner was NOT good for my IBS as the abdomenal cramps, pain,  and gas were back and really bad all day and I had to shit like 8 times,too, and now my poor arsehole is on fire, so my guess is the gas from the beans, and I still have that headache I had yesterday as well where I have this stabbing pain behind my left eye(must be sinus?), and only one sole survivor is left of my original 6 sunflower seedlings now, but it looks healthy and strong so I hope it makes it thru and I planted more seeds, because, why not, but I’m keeping them indoors in the windowsill.

I also tricked the 11 YR old and told him that hello in Italian is merda (I’m a bad mom, ha,ha!) and I must have been overly-enthusiastic  as well as I somehow broke my vibrator! I didn’t even know that was possible! I’m an animal!! The rubber outer “skin” came off so now it’s just the shiny metal underneath that’s exposed now. I must have really put it thru a work-out, and at first I thought it had actually broken in half! I’m so depraved! As for moving soon, I am glad to finally be leaving this redneck hick town I’ve never liked and to be going back to a city, but I do like the house though and I am going to still miss it.It’s been my home for the past 15 years and change is really hard for someone with Asperger’s.

Picture Day.

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Here are my hubby and some of the kids at the Anime North convention in Toronto over the weekend in their home-made cosplay costumes. The only one I recognize is my hubby as Bowser from the Mario Bros. games series and I have absolutely no idea who any of the others are supposed to be or where they’re even from but they look good, whatever they’re supposed to be. I had a nice quiet break with most people gone all weekend as well and didn’t have to always rush, check the time, prepare food, plan what I had to do next and when, etc. I could just chill out. I could have a nice long bath and I even got hot water,too!

Today is also one of the kids’ birthdays; she’s 19, and I have the unfortunate combination of both abdomenal pain from my IBS and cramps from Aunt Flow,too,and it’s so bad that I break out into a sweat and feel nauseated from the pain, and my latest weed order arrived in the mail as well and my renewed license came with it as well for my medical prescription, only I almost didn’t see it hidden in the side of the box and almost threw it out! I always wondered too if the mail carrier knows what’s in that unmarked parcel; if they ever have any idea whatsoever that it’s actually really and truly legal marijuana?

SwampPool2018 The pool guys also came and opened it for the season and at first it looked green and murky, like Shrek’s swamp but then after circulating a few hours and with all the chemicals in it quickly started to clear up, and faster than usual; normally it takes weeks, if not a month, maybe even longer, to get it blue, or even blue-ish(instead of green) but this time it’s clearing up really well and really fast. I’m grateful for small miracles.I also noticed we’d had low water pressure(like for having a bath) and it ran out slowly for the past 3 days too and wondered why and then my hubby discovered the hose had been left on and running for 3 days, very most probably likely by me, and I hate myself for being so dumb and forgetful(I’ve also been known to leave on the stove or forget to dis-arm the security system and then open the door) too; it makes me feel like such a fop, and now my stupidity is going to cost us alot of $$$$$ (we don’t have) as well when the water bill comes in!

Pool2018 Here’s how it looks now, and my mother complained it still looks green, but not compared to how it first was before,and you can see for yourself by comparing the 2 photos. I think it actually looks pretty good, esp. considering what it usually looks like and how long it normally takes to get it looking like this. Now we just have to wait for the freezing cold water to warm up and it needs to be vacuumed too as there’s lots of sludge and debris settled on the bottom after the winter(even though it was covered) but I just remembered that our pool vacuum broke at the end of last summer…..oh, shit….and my mother and hubby say this is the “last” time we’ll open the pool but they always say that every year, although if we do end up having to move then it actually might be, and  funny as well, when the pool guys were here Buddy and I were out back as well, on the porch swing in the yard and Khia’s My Neck, My Back came blaring thru on my iPod, and, in case you didn’t know, it’s a really, really raunchy song and I was just hoping that they couldn’t hear it….HA! I wonder what they’d think? Not exactly something they’d expect coming out of a middle-aged woman’s song selection! 😀

WeddingCousins29YRS

It was my cousins'(seen here) 24th wedding anniversary yesterday as well but they’ve been a couple actually for 29 years and now have 2 kids, aged 14 and 16. They’re coming up to visit us in July actually, and all their Canadian relatives. They’ll be in this country for 9 days (not very long coming all that way from Europe) and visiting us for a day. We’re going to have a pool party and BBQ! I just hope it doesn’t rain that day but with our luck it probably will. I also think it’s kind of unusual that I have this Facebook friend who’s Black and she’s also a vegan(like the 16 YR old) and it seems to me that it’s just more of a crazy white people thing; you know, the kind of thing that Black people shake their heads at and laugh at; Crazy Things White People Do, and I still do wonder if my hubby maybe really is poisoning me too as my genetic diagnosis still doesn’t explain the seizures  or the fainting, just the liver, gastric, and breathing issues, plus poisoning would also cause liver, kidney and gastric issues as well plus my debilitating fatigue and   increasing forgetfulness.

Perspective.

TwoSides When I was out walking Buddy a guy pulls up along side in a truck and pokes his head out the window and called out to me, How much for your dog? and I was taken aback and recoiled, horrified, and said, No! I wouldn’t sell him for anything! and I quickly scurried back into my house, afraid what if he tried to steal him or something, and then only later the thought occurred that maybe he wasn’t really asking how much I wanted for him, as in he was interested in buying him, but rather, he was asking how much I paid for him, that perhaps he was interested in getting a Dachshund too and wanted to know how much they cost and then I wondered which of the two he meant and if it was yet another Asperger’s Moment where I misinterpret and misunderstand what’s been said to me or asked of me, and it also got me thinking once again how perspective is everything; how you look at things, see things and interpret things, makes such a difference.

Another example would even be with Buddy himself: to the scared chipmunks he relentlessly hunts, chases, and scares he would be seen as this big scary, mean, imposing, threatening, fierce killing machine….yet to me he’s the complete opposite; he’s the sweetest, most loving, affectionate dog and best friend and companion I could ever ask for, so it all depends on the circumstances and how you see it as it relates to you. Like those guys in the Mafia, for example,too; to the authorities they are lawless, ruthless, murdering criminals, yet in their own families they can be the best fathers to their children who see them in a totally different way even though it’s the same person, and so, along those same lines, even though I see myself as this fat, crazy,ugly, worthless, dumb, boring, bald old woman perhaps to someone else, to the right person, they may see me as something completely different and even be intrigued by me and see me as this wild, funky, free-spirited, bold, fascinating bald and tattooed woman with an unbelievable, bizarre life…..maybe there really is hope that someone out there will see something in me someday; that to the right person I will be appealing and interesting; I just have to meet the right person and they just have to see me from another perspective.

As well, the new people who bought G.P’s former house have….gasp!…..horrors!…..cut down the lilac bush at the side of their house( who would ever do  such a thing? Who would want to get rid of such a beautiful thing?) and I saw the poor desolate remains of it piled up in the back of a truck and it was the saddest sight to see and while walking Buddy I also noticed that 4 neighbours on the street have boats in their driveways on trailers as well,too, getting reading for boating season, and I’m testing foods too like the gastro doctor suggested to see which ones worsen my irritable bowel and dairy and grains are really bad, and my diet is practically 90% grains(toast, bread, muffins, pasta, oatmeal,tortillas, buns, cereal, etc.) so this isn’t good; if I eliminate grains and dairy there won’t be much for me to even eat; just meat, fruit and veggies… maybe that’s also why I’m having the weight loss all along too, due to the gastro issues?

My hubby and the kids (except for the youngest) are also all away at an anime convention near Toronto all weekend as well so I have a nice quiet weekend with hardly anyone here other than my mother, the 11 YR old,and Buddy, so I’m getting a break as well with hardly anyone here so it’s like a little mini-vacation for me,too!