My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

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The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

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I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

The Raid.

PoliceRaid We had some major drama in this boring going nowhere town last night! Remember how my mother and I have long-had suspicions that they were dealing drugs at the house at the corner of our street? Well….it turns out that we were right because last night the police raided it!(I wonder if I’m also right the guy across the street keeps hostages in his basement?) There was this huge drug bust and there were lots of police and drug-sniffing dogs and they were there for at least the 4 hours that I was aware of and I also saw the cops with flashlights in the night going into the backyard and up and down the street all along the sidewalk looking for something. I was first made aware of it by seeing the flashing red and blue lights on my bedroom wall when I was up in bed so I looked out the window,and then when I announced there was action going on across the street the nosey girls ran out to get a closer look and said they saw the police bringing out lots of drugs!

Today on the news they mentioned more about it, how it was a big bust 2 months investigation and they raided the two houses, them and the one behind them as well, and that they seized weed, cocaine,and heroin, so it wasn’t just some low-level drug dealer selling weed’ this was some hard core big time shit,and then they also said that 6 people were arrested and that 2 years ago they were also charged with human trafficking, weapons offences and were involved in a murder case! Holy shit! I knew they sold drugs but I had no idea it was this big! Boy, we sure live in some neighbourhood, don’t we?You never really know your neighbours, do you? I’m glad I pretty much just keep to myself around here and just talk to a couple of people! The 14 YR old also informed me that the house next door to them is what she refers to as a Prostitute House which I had no idea about and she shrugged, Everybody knows...like how everyone knew about the drug dealers… well, I didn’t…but I knew about the drug den,and it looks like the police do now,too,and I bet now there’s also alot of people really upset and worried now their dealers are gone; where are they going to buy their shit now? I’m lucky with my legal medical marijuana prescription I don’t have to rely on the neighbourhood dealer or if he gets busted or not: I order it online thru a licensed supplier and just get it in the mail!

NYE. Good Riddance!!

Screen Shot 12-30-17 at 06.43 PM I can’t believe it already, the end of another year. I say good riddance to 2017 though, it was a bad year though between the 14 YR old’s crisis and my medical issues, our enemy’s return, along with the usual shit and stress in my life so I’ll be glad to see it go. 2016 was a bad year as well with the 19 YR old’s crisis. I can’t wait for this year to end quickly enough! I sure hope 2018 will be better but given our luck and past experiences I doubt that it will be. I expect the same old shit, just a different year. We never seem to catch a break or get time off from constant trauma, crisis, and stress. Pretty well every year is a bad year for us. I was hoping I’d die this year, now I’m 50, and I really thought I would, but on the 4th I turn 51 so it had better hurry up and happen fast then as I only have a few days left now and am quickly running out of time. It’s depressing to me to think that I could possibly still be here next year and live thru another year….maybe even longer….holy shit, maybe even decades longer still….oh, my God… that thought really bums me out. I’m ready to go. I have been for a long time now.

I used to get dressed up and go to New Year’s Eve parties when I was much younger, in my 20’s and 30’s but not any more; I haven’t in so long, now I can’t even stay awake that late and nowadays by the time Midnight rolls around I’ve already been fast asleep for several hours! Plus I don’t have anyone to go with and nothing to celebrate anyway and I don’t drink so there’s really no point. Aunt Flow also showed up, 5 days early and the cramps and bleeding are off the chart….I really hate this and I’m too old for this shit now and don’t need it anymore….I really hope my doc will finally refer me to a gyno as I know something’s wrong down there and I just want to get this thing out and finally be done with it for good. Before it used to be a necessary evil but I don’t need it anymore. Enough is enough.

It’s still friggin’ cold out there and continues to break records and NYE celebrations all over the country are being shortened or cancelled due to the frigid temps although it makes me skeptical since we always have cold winters and people here know how to dress for it….I wonder if instead if the real reason might have been some sort of credible terrorist threat and they cancelled it just to be safe, so there wouldn’t be a huge crowd open to attack….it just makes me wonder…. the 14 YR old also complained she hates Canada too because it’s so cold and my hubby asked her if she’d rather live in USA instead with Trump and all the mass shootings but why does it always have to be one or the other with him all the time? There are other choices,too, you know; there’s something like 206 countries in the world…

F*ckin’ COLD!!

Screen Shot 12-14-17 at 07.47 AM It’s f*ckin’ COLD out! It’s so frigid cold you can’t feel your face or anything else! When Buddy went out for his morning walk he didn’t even want to go pee; he just stood there stubbornly in refusal, trembling and shaking, and he was limping along and then collapsed as his feet were just so frozen cold. He eventually did go pee and then I scooped him up under my arm and carried him back inside so he wouldn’t have to walk on the cold snow any longer. When he got inside he quickly burrowed deep under his warm “nest” of blankets and hibernated and I tossed my heated blanket on top of him as well to quickly defrost him and warm him up, my poor boy. I said it must easily have been the coldest day of the year so far and my hubby said no, January or February of this year must have been colder, but no, I even heard on the news it is the coldest day of the entire year so far, even colder than any day this past January or February, so I win. I wish I could hibernate until spring, on a beach in the Caribbean! I’m done with this cold winter shit already.

As well, when I was in the kitchen preparing a meal I all of a sudden felt faint, like I was going to pass out, only this time at least I had a “warning” like I usually get; I had that creepy weird restless feeling plus I started to see the flashing lights warning me I have mere seconds to quickly sit down before I pass out and go down hard, so I sat down for a few minutes until it passed and then resumed my activities but it just all of a sudden came out of nowhere suddenly without any warning leading up to it; I didn’t feel sick or dizzy or anything, and then it was fine although now the abdomenal pain is back again and my stomach feels uneasy. That’s one of my biggest concerns lately if I’m out someone alone, like, say, at church, or even worse; on the way walking to church or back by myself; what if I faint again and no one’s there to help me, or even worse; they rob me or something while I’m passed-out laying there on the ground, or even on the road and I get run over by a car? I was fortunate last time it happened in the kitchen and people were home but next time I might not be so lucky…

 

Person Of The Year.

Screen Shot 12-06-17 at 06.29 PM I agree: Time Magazine  Person Of The Year: should be Fiona the Hippo! Also along those lines here are my other choices for other worthy and notable distinctions of the year:

Asshole Of The Year:  Donald Trump

Amazing Pet Of The Year: Buddy Humperdinck

Story Of The Year: Exposure of perverts in Hollywood scandal

Disaster Of The Year: Hurricane in Puerto Rico

Best Item I Bought Of The Year: Either tie-dye socks or peach/mango Charmed Aroma bath bomb

My Most Memorable Event Of The Year: When I fainted and hit my head

Musician Of The Year: Tom Petty

Funniest Event Of The Year: When Buddy ate all the pepperoni off the pizza but left the rest behind

Worst Event Of The Year: The 14 YR old’s eating disorder,etc.

Best Thing I Did Of The Year: My solo trip to Cuba

Saddest Event Of The Year: When my Facebook friend died of cancer

Song Of The Year: Despacito by Luis Fonsi

Biggest Surprise Of The Year: I lost 50 pounds without even trying! (but I’m glad!)

Biggest Disappointment Of The Year: I’m still here and haven’t died yet

Indulgence Of The Year: Getting my nails done at the salon

TV Show Of The Year: The Blacklist

Best Gift Of The Year: My purple Converse hi-tops

Movie Of The Year: La La Land

Medical Procedure Of The Year: Colonoscopy