I’m Still Here!

StillHere Well, much to my surprise, I’m still here! I really thought I would be dead by now given my extreme pain in my stomach( either liver or stomach ulcer) and kidney area. It feels like my organs are shutting down and like something’s going to explode, yet despite this I’m still alive although it still continues on and I continue to decline. When I woke up in the morning I also had a rash on my arms and chest and my eyes were swollen, likely a reaction to all the toxins building up in my body due to the liver and kidneys shutting down. I’m also itchy as well likely for the same reason and so cold last night in bed I was freezing despite having my little space heater on I had to slip into my sleeping bag under all my covers in order to keep warm; I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

I also alternate between shivering and sweating,  and I’m bleeding out of my arse again,too, like I did 6 months ago when I had that colon polyp; bright red blood so I know it’s fresh and not old blood, my stomach feels nauseated, and I get a bit of relief when I bear down and push like I’m trying to shit( and it always feels like I have to pinch one off to even though I don’t) but I can only do it once or twice as I haven’t got the energy. On top of that “Aunt Flow” also showed up, almost a week late, so now not only do I have stomach and lower back pain but also abdomenal pain,too, and I don’t even have any painkillers left either as I used them all up for my suicide attempts, so I’m screwed.

My guess for the pain is either my stomach ulcer is back again and perhaps bleeding or even rupturing, or the colon polyps are back, or it could maybe even be my appendix or an abdomenal aortic aneurysm or something, or just my usual liver and kidneys failing….or maybe some of each? Perhaps I maybe even have stomach or colon cancer or something,too? In any case, I see the doctor next week so he can at least give me something for the pain, assuming I’m still alive by then.

I still can’t believe either how Patti, or should I say Judas, betrayed me and just dropped me like she did. She was my friend and I confided so much personal and confidential stuff to her; she was the one I trusted and could confide and unload to about, the friend I could lean on, that listened and supported me…..or so I thought. That’s why it hurts me as much as it does that she just blocked me from her life as abruptly and without explaination the way she did. I don’t even know what I did, or what she thinks I did, to warrant it. I was nothing but a good friend to her. It just goes to show that you really can’t trust anyone and that everyone will end up betraying you in the end and you should never get too close to anyone. This just breaks my heart. I really liked her and I thought she was my friend.

Friends First.

videoGaming Here are 2 of the kids playing a video game.This is one of my fave. things about my kids. Not only are they siblings but they’re also good friends. They’ve always gotten along well with one another, always been close, hardly ever fight( nothing more than the odd spat that is made up quickly afterwards or the older ones teasing the younger ones) always played together, hung out together, go shopping together, some share the same friends and interests, and they actually like eachother. As for the oldest ones that have moved away they still keep in contact with them regularly as well, still connected, some of them even daily by text and SnapChat. They’ll even watch a fave. TV show together live using their phones or computers or however they do it. I’m really pleased how well they get along and how close they are and I hope they will continue to be life-long friends and keep in touch with eachother all thru their lives.


Christ died so I could make a mother fucking hickory smoked apricot maple apple cider pineapple glazes spiral ham.  I win Easter.
This is the e-mail I got for Easter from the oldest.This is also the dinner him and the 20 YR old ( I call them The Edmonton Boys) had that he made.  He’s such a good cook and to think that when he first left home for university some 11 years ago ( oh, my God, I can’t believe it’s been that long!!) the only thing he could make was toast and oatmeal. 🙂

DontForget My excruciating pain in my stomach and kidneys also still relentlessly continues on, only now even worse. I’d put it around an 8 out of 10 on the pain level scale. I have a high tolerance for pain but even I’m really struggling trying to cope with this and it’s the kind of pain that’s so bad you want to throw up. It feels like my stomach’s going to explode, actually, and I’d guess due to the location it’s either my ulcer or liver so I did a sort of “test” by eating ( which was hard in itself as I have no appetite,either, but I’m so excessively thirsty yet I’m hardly peeing much) to see if the pain lessened as with the ulcer it’s worse on an empty stomach and gets relief when I eat but if it’s the liver the pain will still remain…..and it made no difference so it must be the liver and I know the lower back/flank pain is the kidneys.

I also slept most of the day, no energy to even move, and every time I did it worsened the pain, and my hubby and mother said to go to the ER but I prefer to die at home. I’m pretty sure my kidneys are shutting down now and I feel like I’m dying. I think today might be the day.I also have this tightening in my chest and my eyes are itchy and sting  and I’m the tiredest I’ve ever been ,and it feels like I’m fading away, almost as if a vacuum is sucking all the energy, life, breath, and “beingness” out of me and I can literally feel myself getting weaker and weaker, sicker and sicker, and fading more and more as each hour passes.

Buddy seems to be sensing something as well as he’s been anxious and in a “twist” all day, like something’s bothering him, maybe he can somehow sense something’s wrong or that I’m dying? All day he’s been barking, whimpering, licking and scratching me,  and cuddling even more than usual. He also has this worried, sad look on his face, poor boy. I hope he’ll always remember how much I love him. Just in case this is the end I asked my mother to plant my sunflower garden for me in spring, just as I had planned to do; it can remind them of me, and it would have been cool to die yesterday though as it was 2 April, 2/4…and 2 and 4 are my fave. numbers and they always have been as far back as I can remember, at least since I was 4 or so!

I just hope that in the joy of my death they don’t forget about me.

Know that I did love you and I tried my best. Forgive me for being me.


ultrasound Yesterday I had an ultrasound, this time of my bladder and kidneys. They were 30 minutes late seeing me and my bladder was bursting as I had to drink 1 litre of fluids 1 hour before and not go pee so I was swimming in it and then I was late getting seen(so I had to “hold it” for 90 minutes!!) as they had emergencies(it was at the hospital, afterall) they had to squeeze in in-between.  The technician questioned why I had the scan when I just had CT scans and MRI’s but whatever….ask my doctor, he’s the one that ordered the test. I know the bladder and kidneys since lab tests repeatedly show blood in my pee and bloodtests continue to show kidney failure, so there’s that, but I know what she means though; the other scans are more precise and would pick up more details than the ultrasound would.After the scan was done I did this tremendous colossal pee that lasted about 10 minutes long! I just kept going,and going,and going…what a relief!!

In any case, I was so bored waiting too as….wouldn’t you know it….just my “luck”, they had redneck hockey shit playing on the TV in the waiting room and there’s no way I’m watching that, and they never even had any magazines I could look thru either and I didn’t bring my iPod to listen to music as I didn’t expect to be waiting that long…so all I could do was try to focus looking up at the ceiling or down at the floor, not side to side or the other people waiting there might think I’m staring at them,esp. the 2 lesbians that were there, I didn’t want to appear rude. In any case, the scan itself took under 10 minutes and I noticed she spent more time scanning the left kidney than the right one so I don’t know if she found anything and was concentrating on that or if she just might have had a harder time getting a clearer image and had to keep re-doing it… my next test is an echocardiogram in April but I’ve had so many scans and tests and medical appt’s and doctor’s visits I don’t even remember which hospital that one’s even at; the one here in town, or the one in a nearby town….just so many…. I get them all mixed up…

I just hope with everything they finally find out what’s causing my liver, heart, lung, and kidney failure. I just keep getting more and more fatigued every day, no energy, just tired and drained and I can only manage to do one thing and then I have to lay down and I don’t sleep well at night and wake up every hour yet I’m so tired all the time all I want to do is sleep and today my abdomenal pain is so bad for awhile there I even wondered if something was about to rupture. Funny too: the 10 YR old heard me mentioning about Aunt Flow and he was confused and asked the 14 YR old, Who’s Aunt Flow? We don’t have any aunts…. and she just smiled, stifling a laugh. 😀



Lady Parts.

OvaryScan My doctor called me to discuss the ultrasound results, the ones so urgent that they couldn’t wait until my app’t next week (which I cancelled BTW) and it turned out not to be anything too concerning or that couldn’t wait; they saw the cyst on my right ovary again and said it’s 2 cm in diameter, which I must say is bigger than I’d imagined, making it almond-sized, about the same size as the actual ovary itself, and I had just imagined a little pimple-like thingy. They said they want to keep up follow-up scans on it annually but he said he’s going to send me for another one in about 9 months. I guess they want to keep an eye on the cyst, to see if it keeps getting bigger,gets twisted,ruptures, or if it develops into cancer or something….to tell you the truth, I’m disappointed and was sort of hoping that it was, and then that would be my escape from my life, my way out, my opportunity at last.

Blood also showed up in my urine again, like last time,so he’ll be booking me yet another ultraound, this one an abdomenal one focusing on the kidneys and bladder. He said my bloodwork has always shown low kidney filtration rate so that just means that it’s “normal” for me although I somehow don’t think a low anything or continuing abnormal  lab test results is “normal” for anyone…… The specialist called as well and I have my liver MRI next week! That was fast! Usually it takes months!

Most of the snow had melted as well with the recent mild temps and rain but now we had it snowing for 2 days and it’s back again but it looks nicer now, all sparkling, glistening and white, it looked gross before, all melting and dirty, like in spring, like in the end of March. The 14 YR old also made me sad before not knowing who Eric Clapton was but the other day I was listening to Led Zeppelin and she recognized who they were and it just made my heart so happy! She really is one of mine afterall!! My mother had mentioned about buying a sub,too, and I thought she meant the navy was going to purchase another submarine;that she’d heard it on the news, I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was the sub sandwich and she goes, You had your weed today; you’re really out of it! 😀

Old House.

TorontoHouse(ours) Yesterday I went back to my old house in Toronto(seen in the photo here)….well, sort of.virtually did. That is, a few hours after I’d ingested my cannabis oil I drifted off and floated off somewhere else and I was able to go back to my old Toronto house( that I lived in from grade 6 to 11 and even though I only lived there for a few short years it feels most like my home of all the places and houses I’ve ever lived in over my entire life, and I have the fondest memories of.) in my mind. I  closed my eyes and was able to free my mind and let it wander back there, and I could still remember and see, in startling detail, every single room, furnishing, and decor in the entire house, even after all this time, even though we moved out in 1984 and left for California.

As I floated thru my old house it was still exactly as I remembered it all those years ago, even though I’m sure by now the new owners would have put in alot of changes such as the walls, carpets, windows, paint, etc.. but in my memory it had to be the way I last saw it when I was 17, and I passed over the claw-foot tub I loved, the hideous green bathroom carpet that looked like it belonged on a back porch, the mirror that opened up , the hardwood floors, the 3 bedrooms on the top floor, the kitchen with the small counter space, the small table and 2 chairs, the horse painting on the wall and the frilly lace curtains in the window that let in the sun and made it so cheery and bright, the living room with the colour theme  and decor still from the 1970’s in brown, orange, gold,and green, the lamps, the chairs, the brocade couch,the huge TV that stood on the floor with knick-knacks and photos on top of it, the shag carpet….and the French doors and fireplace , and in the diningroom which I used as my play room that also had the corduroy couch, the stereo and the china cabinet, and the pretty textured floral wallpaper, and the heavy orange curtains that matched the lamps…

Then there was my room,too, with my wood bed with it’s carved bedposts but painted white Princess-style bed I inherited from my babushka , my dresser with vanity mirror, my desk,all the posters, art, drawings,etc. plastered on my walls, all my stuffed toys, and looking out my bedroom window you can see the majestic maple tree, and down in the kitchen walking into the pantry , the phone hung on the wall, the dog’s bed,and going downstairs outside the back door into the small yard or down into the damp basement, the stained hard wood stairs going upstairs with orange carpeting on them, and the big mirror next to the front door……… oh, how I loved that house….it was my Happy Place, my sanctuary. I can still close my eyes and see it perfectly, wandering from room to room, the place I felt the most was my home.

As well, my ears are still achy but the thought occurred to me that maybe it’s not my ears afterall but my lymph nodes instead, which are located just under my ears? If I do have cancer or even some kind of infection then they would be enlarged, inflamed, and tender, so it could be…. I noticed as well my pee is often cloudy at times and sometimes “foamy” or has bubbles in it, and where I pee from feels all swollen and hurts a bit now,too, so I think everything most likely pointing to bladder now, whether bladder cancer or bladder infection, and if not bladder, then probably kidney if not, based on the location of the pain, blood in my pee, cloudy pee, I notice I’m peeing less and less often now as well, but it’s obviously something to do with my peeing plumbing, and hopefully the CT scan will clearly show us where the problem is! My friend L(from the old church) also had surgery to remove her gallbladder like I had  5 years ago. I haven’t heard how it went, so can you please pray for her as the last time she had surgery there were complications with the anesthetic and she stopped breathing and they had to ressussitate her…

The Lights.

screen-shot-11-27-16-at-06-44-pm These are our outdoor Christmas lights! Over-the-top, yes, I know. My hubby always over-does it and out-does himself every YR and it gets sooooo tacky it looks like Snoopy’s doghouse, The Griswold’s house,or the Vegas Strip! I bet it’s even visible from space, and that NASA satellites can take pictures of it and they can see it from the International Space Station! They blink and flash on and off and even play music,too, and you can’t see it but there’s an image projected in light on a screen on a wall, but I draw the line at inflatables; those things are just crossing a line. There’s tacky….and then there’s tacky.

As well, I have to adapt to life with my new nails, incl. wiping my ass, opening up a can of pop, pulling up zippers and doing up buttons, washing my hair,attaching Buddy’s collar and leash, typing,etc. it’s a whole new world, but they make me feel glamorous,and  I know I’ll never be pretty and I’ll never be thin again but I can still have funky hair and pretty nails. I’m also worried my mother’s kidneys might be failing as she’s had lower back pain for the past week and hasn’t peed much all day today and her BP was low, but she got her blood taken and sees her doctor next week so we’ll see….

screen-shot-11-29-16-at-12-48-pm I also ordered this “smoking” shirt yesterday online for a Cyber Monday special( I saved 10$) even though it was actually  on a Tuesday but I’ve always been behind everyone else all the time,anyway! The funny thing is, I was looking for this exact shirt in the mall but never found it, so I did a Google search for “images” and when I found this picture I went to the site….and it turned out to be “Rasta Empire”……a company I already had bookmarked that I had ordered stuff from before! I was so high  as well that I thought there was a portal thru our Christmas tree,  and I don’t want to have to kill myself due to a threat that’s returned from my past,either, and endangers me, but unless there’s a miracle and it resolves in my favor, I won’t,  and  can’t live like that,and just don’t have the strength anymore to fight it or to endure living thru that nightmare again; it broke me the first  time and I simply don’t have anything left to do it again.

I heard as well that PM Trudeau is not going to Cuba to attend Castro’s funeral as it would “anger” people and it is “inappropriate” to do so,etc. but it’s actually disrespectful and rude to not go; whenever a world leader dies it’s expected protocol that other world leaders or their emissaries attend and to not go is poor manners, a sign of disrespect and just plain rude. It’s not every diplomatic,either, which is surprising considering our 2 countries get along well.What an asshole.

The Scan.

Scan Yesterday I went to the hospital and had my abdominal scan done. It felt sort of weird having an ultrasound without being prego though! My liver, pancreas, aorta, spleen, and kidneys were scanned. They didn’t do my stomach and the technician said the adrenal glands don’t show up in an ultrasound( shit….that was one thing I wanted done as I wondered if it might be an issue) and the lungs don’t either and they didn’t scan the stomach either so I asked why I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink from the night before and she said if the stomach has food ,fluid, or gas in it and it’s full and expands it blocks the view of the other organs and they can’t see them to scan so they want the stomach to be “flat” and empty. I also had to take in deep breaths and hold it while she scanned so that she was able to see the organs more clearly( the lungs had to be out of the way) and I had to do it so many times that I was dizzy! The whole scan took 30 min.

Of course they never actually tell you anything, and she said my doctor will have the report in about a week, but I noticed that she scanned my liver and my kidneys( esp. my right kidney) alot longer than anything else, in fact, she spent longer on them( and on taking measurements of something) than on all the other organs combined so I’m pretty sure that they found *something*, and that’s how it was before when I had the gallstones,too;they spend forever going over the gallbladder and sure enough….of course they normally scan the gallbladder with this exam as well but I don’t have one anymore so it was one less organ for them to scan. I would also normally be embarrassed laying there with my big ‘ol fat hippo gut hanging out but the technician was even fatter than me so I didn’t feel so bad afterall, and by the time I got back home it had been 16 HRS since I last ate and I was FAMISHED and I don’t know *how* the Muslims can do it every day for an entire MONTH for Ramadan, and the worst of it was I was so thirsty not being able to drink( and I get really dehydrated quickly) and my mouth was so dry so I had to chew some gum to get some moisture in there; I normally don’t even chew gum as I think it’s uncouth and very unbecoming( it looks like a COW chewing on it’s cud!!!) but I was desperate here and it really did help.

So what do I suspect? I think the bile duct in my liver is still enlarged and as for what’s obstructing it? A tumour, perhaps, or maybe scar tissue from my gallbladder surgery, and I suspect something with my right kidney as well, which would make sense with my high BP, low potassium,fluid retention, swollen legs,etc., and the dull nagging pain I get on my lower right side/back, but soon we’ll see…I just hope that whatever it IS, that it clearly showed up on the scan…if it’s something really BAD with the kidneys I wouldn’t go for dialysis though; 8 HRS or so a day several times a week…..no way….I wouldn’t go for that shit….I know someone who used to have to go thru that….not for me, no way…screw it!