Never.

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 I have never been pretty.

I will never be pretty.

I have never experienced romantic love.

I have never come First, been the best, been anyone’s first choice,favourite, or

ever been chosen above others.

I have never been good enough, felt good enough, met expectations, been worthy, or gotten it right.

I have never known a normal, stable, happy family life, either as a child or as an adult.

I have never had a single day without struggling with either some anxiety, stress,fear, or worry eating away at my brain.

I have never been to a prom.

I have never truly experienced real independence and freedom.

I have never found True Love.

I have never felt self-acceptance or self-love.

I have never been popular.

I have never had a happy adult life.

I have never been whistled at or cat-called.

I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I see.

I have never been “hit” on.

I will never find peace within myself.

I will never be happy again.

I will never be able to soar.

I will never be free.

My Regrets.

Regrets(newest) Things in life I regret; that I regret doing, that I regret not doing, that I wish I could change, that I would have done differently, and that I wish had turned out differently, and , if given the choice to do over again, would have changed:

I REGRET:

– Being an only child. I wish I had siblings. I was very lonely growing up.

– Not having a father around. I was also the only kid in school without a dad.

– Not having a stay-at-home mother. I hardly saw much of her, and felt rejected by both my parents. I was also the only kid who’s mother wasn’t at home. This was the 70’s remember.

– Not being “normal”. I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s, Social Phobia, Depression, and my other limitations that isolate, ostracize, and limit me in life and cause me to be bullied. I also wish I was pretty or at least normal-looking and not ugly. I would have had alot more choices and opportunities in life and it wouldn’t be such a struggle.

– Not experiencing the normal things in life that others take for granted, like dating, being asked to dance by boys, and going to a prom, etc.

– Not marrying for love. I didn’t exactly have much choice as my hubby was the only one that wanted me so I just settled.

– Not losing my virginity to G. I know it sounds sleazy, but my hubby’s the only one I’ve ever been with and G only ever liked me as a friend but I was just sooooo attracted to him ( he looked like James Dean!) I WANTED to do IT and if I had done IT with him I would have known what passion is like. Now I’ll never know and will just have to keep wondering. I missed out on so much in life. Other people get to experience things I can only dream of.

– Not marrying my True Love. As it turned out he’s gay, but I didn’t know it at the time and he was The One, I really loved him, and I thought I would marry him.

– Having kids. It was my dream but it ended up being a nightmare. It wasn’t what I expected or thought it would be and just brought stress, worry, fear, and trauma into my life that I didn’t even think was possible. They also bully and pick on me like the bullies did in school, copying seeing how my mother and hubby treat me, and it breaks my heart.

– Leaving the city. We were forced to move and I’ve missed city life ever since but now we can’t afford to live there anymore.

– Losing N’s friendship. In grade 6 N was my best friend and we had a fight over a stupid little thing( she bent my thumb back and it hurt) and I got mad but I was over it the next day but she refused to ever speak to me again, despite my repeated efforts to make up and be friends again.

 

 

A Wasted Life.

GarbageCan Ever since I was a little kid I’d always had a feeling I’d die before I was 50 and I’m 47 now so I’ve been thinking about my life and what I’ve done and I realized that it’s been a wasted life. I haven’t done anything worthwhile or meaningful with it. I’m not successful, I haven’t done anything interesting or contributed to society; all I’ve done is have kids, that’s it. Sadly, due to my perception problem( I can’t drive, do math, follow maps, directions, instructions, or assemble things) Asperger’s and Social Phobia I’m at a disadvantage and am limited, as well as the fact that I’m not smart and due to my financial limits it also holds me back in life and prevents me from doing more, being more, and fulfilling and dreams and goals I’ve had. For example, I’ve always wanted to fly. I spent most of my childhood trying to fly but the only way I’ve ever been able to do it is in a plane or helicopter but I’ve always wanted TO fly but flying lessons are expensive and  when we can barely afford to buy groceries we just don’t HAVE any extra $$$ left over for extras. Plus, with my perception problem I can’t even drive so flying would be out of the question, and I don’t see ( or hear) too well and pilots need to have perfect 20/20 vision.

I see other people with interesting careers and doing interesting things and they’re always out of my reach: doctors, lawyers, federal agents(like the ones I see on TV) pilots, archeologists, engineers, etc.and doing cool things like surfing( I tried it once when I was in Hawaii but it’s so physically demanding and(esp. with my breathing problem!) I almost collapsed and it’s so incredibly hard,too, I kept getting knocked off my surf board) but I’m not smart enough to do, plus with my Asperger’s and Social Phobia I can’t relate to people and don’t work well in group settings so I have all these hopes and dreams and things I can only dream of but in reality are always so far out of my reach. I HAVE travelled  extensively and I’ve SEEN lots of cool things( The Alps,the Wonders of the World, ancient cities, places where Jesus walked, etc.) but I’ve never actually DONE anything.I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile or done anything. My life is a waste. I pray God can forgive me for being a failure, for not being able to do anything or be anything. If only I wasn’t so limited. If only my abilities could equal my dreams.

As well, with the blizzard my hubby had to stay an extra night overnight in Kingston because there was zero visibility and the highways were shut down so he couldn’t drive back and it’s cold again ( -25 C) and my “furby” froze off and I seriously need to move somewhere nice and warm and defrost, the 6 YR old had a raging tantrum and when I told him off he called me “Ugly face!” and the 10 YR old found a membrane in her chicken so now she won’t eat chicken anymore and she put toilet paper in her chest for church(I made her remove) to make “boobs” (even though she’s already getting some and doesn’t even need it) and I remember when I was younger(when I was flat but my friend was already developing) and I did it too only it was in my bathingsuit at the pool and the tissue got wet and all came out!

My hubby also prepped the hole in the ceiling to fix and when I reminded him(because he’s careless) not to cover up the heating vent(as he was moving stuff out of the way) and to be careful and not ruin the calender( because he doesn’t respect my stuff and I didn’t want it ruined like he broke my wall plaque) he starts ripping into ME and saying he’ll do it later when I’M not there,and always condescendingly talks down to me too and refers to my talking as “yakking” and “nagging”, dismissing me and anything I have to say, which is demeaning and really pisses me off. He’s such an asshole. It was a nice break for me with him away all weekend; he wasn’t here to belittle me.

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