What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

What If I’m Wrong?

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 11.37 AM I’ve always thought my entire life, ever since I was a kid, that I would die before I’m 50, and if that’s true then it’s going to be really soon as I’m running out of time as I turn 50 in January. I’d just always had a feeling, and thought, hoped, assumed,planned, and accepted it……

But what if I’m wrong?

What if all this time I was wrong and I don’t ? What if January and my birthday comes and goes and I turn 50 and I’m still here? Then what? I hadn’t counted on that or planned that far. I have no “back up plan”, I can’t even  imagine YRS, or even worse, decades still left to live; what will I do with myself? I hadn’t planned on living that long…but what if it turns out I’m wrong and I don’t die before I’m 50 afterall? I had never really considered it before and just sort of always assumed it, but now it’s really close  the thought occurred, what if  not? Then what?

For one thing I will be really disappointed, let-down, and pissed-off. I don’t want to live any longer than I  have to and the sooner I go, the better. If I turn 50 and I’m still here I’m going to be really mad and I’ll never hear the end of it from my family,too; but why would I  have that life-long feeling if it weren’t true though?(and I had the same kind of feeling for YRS we’d have a fire too and we did) I still have a few short months left to “test” the theory but if it proves to be wrong I don’t know what I’m going to DO…..

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 07.28 PM Here is also a picture of some of the guys at FanExpo in their hand-made costumes.I think my hubby looks kind of like Ozzy Osbourne, ha,ha! I have absolutely no idea who they’re supposed to be; some anime characters. They got back home in time for my hubby to pick me up after church but he still didn’t and I had to walk and I was all hot,tired,and out of breath and I was mad; he could have at least picked me up so I’d only have to walk the one way,  and for lunch we ordered in pizza too and could only have 2 pieces each and of course my mother snatched up the biggest piece and her one piece was as big as both of mine together(plus she had another one as well) so I wrote “pig” on a note and put it on her pizza….and then she wrote a note for me that said “Pothead” and left it on my place-setting.

Walking home from church yesterday I almost got hit by a car too as I was daydreaming and not paying attention and that happens alot; my head’s always up in the clouds, and who says fantasies, dreams, and rich imaginations are only for kids? No way! I *still* have an active fantasy life and lively imagination and you’re never too “old” to dream! I happen to like living in my head and I prefer it as it’s better than my reality.

 

Fall Decor.

Screen Shot 09-03-16 at 12.00 PM 001 Now that it’s September and the beginning of fall-like weather( it was 10 C overnight!) I put out the fall decor. Pictured here is a dried fall-themed wreath that I hung on the front door.

Screen Shot 09-03-16 at 11.59 AM Here is part of the fall leaves wreath that I hung in the window. I tried to take a photo of the entire thing but it’s in a window and kept making a glare and the photos kept showing up weird and you could also see me in the reflection in the glass so this is what you get.

Screen Shot 09-03-16 at 11.59 AM 001 This is the scarecrow and leaves garland that I also put up on our third floor balcony. It’s hard to see but if you look closely you can see it. The scarecrow is in the middle and the garland goes all along the top of the railing. I keep it up until 30 October and then I take it down that day, before “Satan’s Day” (Hallowe’en) as I  don’t want people to wrongly think it’s decoration for  that; it’s just for fall.

Screen Shot 09-03-16 at 11.58 AM Here is a close-up of the scarecrow’s face but from the side as I had to go up  on the balcony and actually lean  partway  over the side to get this shot so you’re welcome. I risked life and limb for you. I told my mother before I went up if she sees something come flying down and hears a “thud!” that would be me falling off the balcony so to call 9-1-1. I can only imagine it: cause of death: misadventure trying to get a photo for blog. Yeah, that sounds about right.

I’m sad to see summer go but I  do also like fall, too. I like the cool, crisp, brisk air, the pretty coloured leaves,  everything pumpkin: pies, muffins, bread, Dairy Queen Blizzard, etc..plus my fave. “Tiger Tail” ice cream flavour, wearing heavy pullover sweaters, my Ugg boots, my knitted Rasta hats and poncho, flannel bed sheets, etc. Summer and fall are my 2 fave. seasons.

Someone also took my Colgate toothpaste for their 3 day adventure too so I had to use the gross Crest(yuck!) that was left behind but other than that it was  nice having a break with hardly anyone here and not running out of towels or hot water, and I’m so dark now with my tan I could pass for a Filipino, and I wondered why as well the 7.1 earthquake in New Zealand wasn’t mentioned on the news….and then it occurred to me that maybe it hasn’t  happened  yet; that it’s another one of those things where I know things and  “see” it ahead of time, before it actually takes place, even though I’m  sure I read about it someplace…I guess we’ll just have to wait and see….

Pogue Mahone’s Long Weekend.

Screen Shot 09-02-16 at 08.16 AM My hubby and all of the older kids (everyone except for the youngest) are away in Toronto for the long holiday weekend so that means that I get 3 days of quiet to relax and have a mini-vacation at home in peace! It’s just my mother, the 9 YR old, Buddy,and I, and we’re going to order-in KFC for dinner tonight! Today everyone’s going to “Fan Expo”(pictured here) which is like ComiCon, which is basically a convention for comic book, anime, super hero, and sci-fi nerds, geeks, and dorks. So not my thing! I have no moral grounds against it, it just doesn’t interest me in the least. They even hand-sewed their costumes ,saved up all their $$$ and go all-out, in fact, it’s the highlight of their YR and they look forward to it  every YR! Yesterday they also went to the “Ex” (CNE) and the 20 YR old took the train in to meet them in Toronto as well.

Screen Shot 07-16-16 at 03.15 PM Tomorrow the 21 YR old’s GF also leaves after spending all summer here with us and goes back home to California. It’s hard to believe it’s been 2 months already, it went by so fast! She’ll be back again over Christmas and it felt like she was a part of the family and she just fit in so well here. The 21 YR old won’t be able to go over there and see her for awhile though because the dingus lost his passport and at 200$ isn’t in a hurry to get a new one…

I’m enjoying my 3 day break, and my freedom also incl. being able to leave my computer unlocked as well with no one here to “sabotage” it, such as the 21 YR old who’s been known to put Hitler wallpaper on it or sneak swastikas on it or some other fool thing that he thinks is “funny”….We also don’t have to worry about all the food getting eaten, or the door being left open for Buddy to get down in the basement, or all the lights being left on or the toilet seat being left up….I could go on and on….the only bad thing is, of course, that I have to walk to church and I’ll be so out of breath.

 

Screen Shot 09-02-16 at 07.37 PM I saw a bald woman visiting the neighbours next door as well(I wonder what her story is? Does she have cancer or is she just funky?) and it made me miss my Buzz-cut( as seen here in 2005) that I had for YRS and she inspired me and I want a change and I’m thinking of maybe going back to it once again. What do you think? It’s funky, unique, striking, and easy-care. I wonder if I should? I really liked my Sinead O’Connor look and think I rocked it.

My Garden.

Screen Shot 05-19-16 at 01.12 PM I went and got my flowers and planted my garden, seen here. I normally get 3 geraniums for each pot( so a total of 6) but they cost over 4$ apiece and I’m REALLY “broke” this YR so I got these flowers instead as they cost less. I normally also get 2 hanging plants for the front veranda (the ones here are in the backyard by the pool)but they start at 20$ each and I only had 60$ in total for ALL my gardening, incl. the potting soil which cost 5$ a bag and I needed 2 bags, so I didn’t have enough $$$$ to buy the hanging plants this YR. I’m disappointed and sad. I put artificial ones we had from before out instead but it’s pretty pathetic. Being poor *REALLY* sucks and it’s so bad now my mother is running out of her line of credit so we don’t know HOW we’re even going to be ABLE to pay the property taxes and home insurance *next* YR! I saw today a damn squirrel was digging up one of my flowers as well so I later put mothballs on the top of the dirt next to the flowers to repel them as they don’t like the smell. Little f*ckers.

Our Internet was also out AGAIN and my hubby wondered if there was a problem with his new credit card or if he’d forgotten to pay the bill but it wasn’t; just more of the usual shitty Internet often going out, and I re-bleached and dyed my hair blonde again,too, but it didn’t turn out at first; it was really yellow-y with a light orange tinge so I put an “ash” shade over it to tone it down and now it looks good.Blonde can be a very hard colour to get just right!! The 17 YR old also had a semi-formal dance with Cadets and soon the 14 YR old has a prom with her cheerleading and they both have fancy dresses for.

As far as I know anyway my friend hasn’t committed suicide, at least not yet,anyway; he’d posted on Facebook awhile ago that all the shelters are full and he’s dirty and really hungry, so it looks pretty hopeless but at least he’s still alive…for now….I just wish there was more I could do to help him…..I hope he can hang in there and that things look up for him….he’s lost everything and he really is down and out.