F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

Shirley Fall.

Screenshot_692 It is surely fall. This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Yes, that’s right, it was below freezing!  When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk we froze our asses off. I put his warm wool sweater on him and I had to wear my heavy wool sweater, hat and mitts! I also finally took the A/C out of my window the other day as the cold wind blowing thru the cracks made my bedroom freezing cold during the night and last night I still even had to have my little heater on in my room and the furnace even came on for the first time too! It’s officially fall now,and you can tell it looks and feels like it now, all dull, cold, windy, rainy, with coloured leaves all over and you can smell and fell a briskness and chill in the air.

Winter is coming!

Screenshot_693 Another sign of fall: now I’m wearing leggings and thick warm socks. No more shaving my legs or nail polish on my toenails anymore now until spring.My legs hibernate over the winter. I wish I could,too.

Screenshot_694 Look! Pumpkin cheesecake! We had this for our Sunday dessert yesterday. It was just so good, it was beyond words.It’s a good thing it wasn’t a Weed Day or else I probably would have eaten the whole thing. In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting in front of me who had this tattoo on the back of his neck and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it said but I never could as the script wasn’t in English and usually I’m pretty good with languages but I couldn’t figure this out and didn’t even recognize it what language it was, the letters look almost inverted, reversed and upside down, so maybe it was some sort of gang symbolism or something, I don’t know….it was almost like some sort of secret code and I spent the entire hour trying to figure it out. It doesn’t take much to amuse me, ha,ha.

My hubby and the girls were making fun of me as well as I got the A-B-C order mixed up and thought M came before L and that I always have to recite the Alphabet Song to remember and figure out which letter comes next and they laugh at me and call me stupid even though I have White Matter Decline(which is similar to Alzheimer’s but affects a different part of the brain) and can’t help it, but they like to say it’s because I’m a pothead, because then they can blame me for it and make me look bad,shame me, and say it’s my own dumb fault, and they’re always talking about Satan’s Day (Halloween) around me,too, purposely knowing it gets me upset as I don’t want anything to do with the occult and I avoid it and then they mock and ridicule me for my religious faith and obedience(to stay away from anything occult) but I just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction, and just consider where it comes from.It doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a reply.I just pretend I don’t even hear them or just walk away. I care more about what God thinks(and thinks of me) than what they think,anyway.

Too.

Screenshot_1180

It really worries me that I’m :

Too ugly,

Too dumb,

Too old,

Too fat,

Too unlovable,

Too worthless,

Too messed-up,

Too damaged,

Too much of a failure,

Too broken,

Too crazy

and

it’s too late,

For me to find love.

To be loved.

To be happy.

To find redemption.

To find peace.

To be free.

For my dreams to still come true.

 

 

As well, as the girls were getting ready to walk to church in the morning( I go later in the evening) I heard my hubby whisper to them, I’ll meet you at the corner, as he was going in the van to go out somewhere, indicating that they were just pretending to walk to church for my benefit but really he was going to drive them somewhere else and of course when I confronted him he denied it but I know what they’re up to, being sneaky and deceptive; I’m not that stupid, faking going to church, and besides, I know that trick; my friend J used to do the same thing Sunday mornings when we were in Jr. High; her mother would think she walked to church but in actual fact she was really hanging out over at my house and the $$$ she gave her for the offering she actually spent on candy at the corner store. It’s bad enough they’re skipping church, but lying and sneaking around makes it even worse. Maybe I should just have them come the same time as me so I can see with my own eyes to make sure that they’re really actually there?

My hubby was also fixing the dishwasher and he blocked access from the kitchen to the backdoor and I couldn’t squeeze thru and couldn’t figure out how to get outside the back door and thought I was trapped when he said to just go around the other way, thru the play room, like how Buddy did, but I never even thought of that. The dog is smarter than I am, but with my Asperger’s brain it doesn’t work like that. My brain can only think in one way and not find other alternative solutions if my usual way is blocked for some reason, or as my mother puts it, I can’t do problem solving. So my “solution: was to just try to squeeze thru but it never occurred to me that there might be another way to access it by going another way. In my mind I didn’t even think of by-passing the kitchen and getting thru the back door by the play room as I always go thru the kitchen so that’s my routine and I see it as the only way and in my mind I think why would I go thru the play room when I ‘m not going in the play room. My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s does. It doesn’t think the same way or compute the same way. It’s like I have a chip missing or something, or wires crossed, or short-circuited. Life is hard when you’re stupid.

 

 

Failure.

Screenshot_1105 This is my one last, lone surviving sunflower. The poor thing is dying. The leaves are less green and getting yellow and wilted now. Maybe it doesn’t get enough sun, I don’t know. It figures. I fail at trying to grow sunflowers too just like I fail at everything. I’m just a failure in life. I can’t think of one thing that I’ve tried that I’ve gotten right or succeeded at and haven’t failed at. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s big things(like raising kids) or small things( like trying to grow sunflowers) no matter what it is I always seem to find a way to f*ck it up. You can only imagine how that makes me feel, how each failure chips away at my already non-existant self-esteem, how it breaks me down continously and tears me down until there’s nothing left. Why can’t I ever do anything right? Why can’t anything ever just work out for me?

I went to Confession in church yesterday and the priest told me that other people in the parish actually admire me and wish they were me but they don’t know what my life’s really like, how badly my family treats me, how much I suffer,my struggles,my brokenness and trauma, how much I hate myself and my life and want to die, all the suicide attempts, how dark my life is,how desperate I am to escape my existance, and it just floored me; I mean, who would ever want to be meI don’t even want to be me! He knows the truth, the real me and what I really live with and says he prays for me every day. If only they knew what my life’s really like and how desperately unhappy I am and how I pray to God each night begging Him to take me, and how lonely I am for human love , for human contact, for human affection, to have someone hold me at night and tell me that everything’s going to be ok and that they love me but instead I just count the days waiting to die.This is what my life’s been reduced to.

I also saw The Rich Lady there yesterday in church too and she was a vision in white; she looked so beautiful. I wish I was confident and elegant like her. It makes me wonder as well what her life is like, what it’s really like and not just what I see, what it appears to be on Sundays, with her so perfectly put together, dressed so sophisticated and stylish, so elegant-looking; I wonder if she too, like me, secretly hides a hidden pain, a secret darkness in her life,too, a hidden pain no one knows about?Does she perhaps too suffer a painful existance that can’t be seen from the outside? Or, maybe she really is a person who has it all put together. Happy people actually do exist and so do good marriages and loving families. Just not for me. You never really know what people’s lives are like,though,  what secrets, darkness, and pain they carry, what burdens and sorrows they endure behind closed doors.That’s why I’m never really too shocked to hear about a suicide. get it.More than you’ll ever know.

Screenshot_1104 The damn mice also bit this huge hole right thru our sofa made of Italian leather, ruining it, taking stuffing out to build their nests and for all we know they might even have a nest somewhere inside the sofa itself,too. I just wish for once that something good would happen. I’m just so sick of all this shit, all this bad luck, everything always going wrong, so many set-backs ,expenses, disappointments, unmet expectations, problems, financial issues, stresses, issues,second-rate crap,crisis, etc. I keep waiting for my miracle, my break, but it never comes…..

The Hole.

HolePool2018 This is the big hole in the pool deck as the pool guy’s back again trying to find the leak underground in the pipes.I hope he can find it and repair it, and without it costing a fortune because we just don’t have it. My hubby’s always saying how the pool’s such an expense we should just fill it in and one of my Facebook friends said she actually did do that; when she had the pool in Oklahoma they had an underground leak as well and they weren’t able to locate it and it would cost so much $$$$ in the process trying to find it and then fix it that she just had it filled in because they wanted to sell the house and were in a hurry to get it listed. She said they broke apart the concrete and filled it all in with dirt. She didn’t remember how much it exactly cost but she said it was less than continuing on with trying to find the leak. Our pool’s really big and deep though; 20 X 40 feet and 9 feet at the deep end….that would be lots of dirt to fill it in, I’d hate to think of the cost. Why does this always happen to us though? All these repairs, expenses, setbacks, and obstacles that we just don’t have the $$$$ for and can’t afford?

My mother also said we’re NOT going to move unless it saves us $$$, by down-sizing and having less expenses at a smaller house, such as less property taxes and costs less to heat the house and such, but we won’t be if we haven’t got the $$$$ for moving expenses( realestate agent fees, legal fees, house inspector, taxes, movers, connection fees,etc) and if we don’t get more for this house than we have to pay for the next one, which by the looks of things, doesn’t look very likely as everything else is way more expensive than what we’ll get selling this one,and even if it’s the same and we just break even we still won’t have the $$$$ for the other moving expenses.

My stomach ulcer pain is also back again now and I have a splitting headache,too, and I wasn’t able to go to church yesterday either as it was 28 C with a humidex of 37 C (and hot and sunny,too, not overcast or breezy to cool it down a bit) and it was waaay too hot to walk in that; we also had an extreme heat warning and I know I would have gotten heatstroke and passed out and my hubby wasn’t back from Toronto in time to drive me and never bothered to make the effort because it’s just something for me and no one gives a shit and it’s never a priority. It’s been a week since I first got my excruciating abdomenal pain as well and every day since then I’ve been so extremely tired too I have to have a nap every afternoon and today I was almost drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly jolted awake by what felt like something landing with a thud! and bouncing off my bed, but it turned out that it was just Buddy jumping up on my bed and I startled awake and opened my eyes and saw that it was just him and I smiled, reached out for him and he licked my hand and snuggled down next to me and we both fell asleep. Too bad a person like him doesn’t exist; that would be my soul mate and would give me the same love, devotion, loyalty, companionship, bond, connection, friendship, affection, and closeness.

Colleen.

LongWavyRedHair I had this dream that my “next” self I’m going to have long beautiful wavy red hair, be Irish,and my name’s going to be Colleen. That is either going to be my “next life” or else it was a life I’ve already had, but it seemed to indicate in the future rather than in the past. It might also be a “parallel” life that I’m living simultanously along with this one at the same time or perhaps my “new” self in Heaven. In any case, she’s happy,pretty, and she has a life filled with happiness, love,and a loving family, and marries the man she loves, and has the life I’ve always wanted. I also had another dream that was quite the opposite: that what I assume must have been a “past” life I had a twin sister named Stephanie and when I was still a kid I was jealous that she was the favourite and got all of the attention so one day I pushed her off a balcony on purpose and she died, so that way I’d be the only child left and would get all the attention. I was an evil child, and that’s why I’m suffering so much now and have so much misery, unhappiness, trauma, crisis, trials, misfortune, etc. in my life now; as a punishment/ karma for what I did then.

I also have this recurring dream that I go back to L.A. and in the dream it implies that I also move back there although in real life I never would( although I still would go there on vacation; it’s a nice place to visit, just not to live due to the crime) so I figure it must symbolize something else, perhaps going back to my past, or reliving happy moments, as it was nice all the times I’ve been there before we actually ended up moving over there. I also had this “reveal” that I’m going to die on Friday, the 29th of June, although that still remains to be seen. Sometimes dreams are just dreams and that’s it, but other times they have significance and meaning and other times they are even warnings and show you ahead of time things that are going to happen later on, sort of like a preview, usually bad things you need to prepare for, like how I knew years before we were going to have the fire, due to my recurring dreams about it and I knew one of the kids had leukemia because I was told in a dream. God still uses dreams to speak to His people. All you have to do is listen.

In church yesterday I was also talking to Fr. T and he was asking if we have a moving date yet and when I told him the dilemma, how houses where we’re going to cost way more than what we’d get selling our house and we’d have to take out a mortgage he said the prices there are ridiculous and outrageous and that it doesn’t make sense to do that and pay more, esssentially to go backwards and struggle financially, and that my hubby should just do the 2 HR commute each way each day from here and that there are other people in the parish that do it and when I said he doesn’t want to he shook his head and muttered, Stubborn man…. I told him I’m just leaving the situation with God and asking Him to guide, lead,and direct us where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do; to show us what His plan is for our lives.

Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.