All For Love.

Screenshot_942 I woke up this morning by the putrid rancid stink of fresh warm shit, a squishy diarrhrea, in fact, waiting for me right in front of my bedroom door, courtesy of Buddy who has The Shits. He may have tried to wake me up and tell me(he normally does) only I was asleep and never heard him, esp. as I did also sleep thru the news and never woke up and when you gotta go you gotta go, so there I was, before the sun even came out, on my hands and knees, scrubbing shit off my carpet and he was hiding under my bed, thinking he was in trouble and I tried to coax him out and told him,  The things I do for you! You’re lucky I love you so much! and then I was thinking of all the things I do for him because I love him:

I get up early to take him out. I even wipe his ass for him(and this time of year is best with wet leaves to wipe fudge-smudges). I go out in sub-Zero freezing temperatures to take him out. I go out in pouring rain to take him out. I pick up shit with my bare hands. I touch the most disgusting slimy so-called “meat” and cook it for him to eat. I clean brown waxy gunk out of his ears. I express his anal glands. I get farted on, sneezed on and breathed on with his dragon breath. I pick fleas and ticks off of him. I’ve washed shit out of his fur. I’ve cleaned up his puke off the carpet. I’ve had my face licked.

I do it all for love and it’s worth it. He’s worth it.And I’d do it again. And again. And again. And I do. And I love it.

As well, my hubby’s always making fun of me for being forgetful and calls me old (even though he’s 4 years older than me) but now it’s happening to him,too; he forgot where he put his pants and he fell asleep in his relcining chair watching TV just like my Dedushka used to do, also a sign of being an old man, so who’s the old one now? Now he knows what it’s like to be old! Welcome to my world! He denies he reads my blog,too, even though I know he does as he’s made references that have only been on the blog and I’ve even seen  it up on his computer screen once when I went in to his office for something; he just lies for some reason and pretends that he doesn’t. I don’t care either way though; if he reads it or not; I don’t do it for him, anyway, I just don’t get why he has to lie about it, and he’s putting up the outdoor Christmas lights again this year too after not doing it last year and saying he was done with it.

I was also starting to leave my body after I’d had weed and Buddy could sense it and it worried him and he was trying to stop me and interrupt the process and prevent me from leaving and he kept barking, pawing at me, scratching my leg, biting at my pant leg and tugging, licking my leg, as if trying to “rouse” me and I told him, Don’t worry; I’ll come back! but he wasn’t having any of it and he ended up disrupting it and the moment was gone as I have to have just the right conditions for it to work and any distraction pulls me back out of it. I also have increasing nausea almost daily now and I know something’s wrong as it’s highly unusual for me as I’m normally not a “barfy” person unless I have the Flu(which is only like every 5-10 years or so), am prego, or in extreme pain, such as in labour, a migraine, or after surgery, so I wonder if it’s just menopause related or due to an illness? I was also shocked and surprised to figure out that with my all-day Morning Sickness for 3 months with each of the 11 kids it would end up being something like 3 1/2 YEARS of being sick!!!

I cut the 11 YR old’s hair as well and now the other kids are being mean and making fun of him saying it looks awful and he’s so ugly and really ugly now and I did a bad job(yeah, like they could do better), etc. only I think it looks good; it just ended up shorter than originally planned since he laughed and moved when I had the clippers and this big chunk got accidently shaved short so I had to do the rest to match and blend in. It looks nice; it’s just a change and big difference and it takes time to get used to is all. Before he had this thick curly wild hair all sticking out like a mad scientist and now it’s really short and spiky.

The furnace also somehow got up to 80 F and it was really nice and warm in here like it never has been before; it’s always so freezing cold in the house we have to wear coats and wrap blankets around us to try and keep warm and I have to use a space heater in my bedroom overnight but now it’s soooo nice and the kids and I love it but my mother says it’s too hot and puts it back down to 70 F and here I was all this time, all these years, thinking that the furnace wasn’t working, that it didn’t adequately heat the house well as it was always cold, but it turned out it was capable; it just was never allowed; she just always had the thermostat set too low, so it never got to warm up, but now she says it’ll cost too much to keep it at 80F but we don’t want to go back to freezing either so we’ll have to compromise and set it in-between at 75 F and I’m sure, of course, that if she puts it back down to 70 F it will mysteriously somehow “find” it’s way back up again….

 

Rip-Off!!

Screenshot_882 The joint I ordered from the official gov’t cannabis site finally arrived! It took almost 2 weeks….and it ended up being this piddly tiny little thing, smaller than my little finger, and with taxes and shipping it costs a whopping 16 $ for just the one! I got ripped-off! I feel so cheated and it came in this big long tube(seen here) too and made me think I was getting this Big Fatty…..and then when you see the small dinky little thing inside….almost half of it filter…(kind of “fancy” though as I’ve never had a joint with a filter before but even so, it’s like getting a bag of chips and it’s half full of air). Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was like when I was a kid and I sent away for those Sea Monkeys at the back of a comic book and eagerly awaited their arrival only to find they didn’t work and all I got was a bunch of cloudy water.

Never again. I’m still sticking with my regular supplier. I should have known anything from the gov’t would be over-priced, a rip-off, half-assed and take forever. They started off ripping off the Native people and now they rip-off everyone else, too, and now with legalized weed they have just simply found yet another way to cheat us, rip us off and over-charge us somehow. I’m so mad and now I hate this country even more than I already did before and should send them a nasty scathing complaint letter. Maybe I should even send a shit bomb to Parliament Hill?

The only good thing was that whatever rolling paper they used was slow-burning so at least I got to slowly enjoy it. Originally I was going to save it for an emergency, but I’m never too good at saving things; whenever I get something new, esp. a treat, whether it’s a donut, a new magazine, a joint, or whatever, I can rarely contain my excitement and enthusiasm and I end up eating/reading/using/doing it right away; I can’t wait and I can’t save it, and besides, it was a bad day and I needed to de-stress.There’s just something extra relaxing about laying back and taking long slow drags off a joint and blowing out the smoke and just enjoying the moment, like a little temporary escape from the chaos of life. I had such a bad day as well I really needed an escape. When I came inside the 24 YR old quipped, as the smell of weed wafted past, Is Snoop Dogg in the house?

When the guys were out they forgot the yogurt for the 15 YR old(again!) and ever since her eating disorder I still have to meticuously make sure she gets enough to eat and all the right nutrients at the right times and the right amounts and monitor her intake  to try and prevent a relapse, and they went out again and I told them to be back at 6 pm for dinner and of course they never bothered and didn’t return until hours later,disregarding me yet again, and they also got me the wrong wrap too so I never had lunch, and then the 17 YR old was really mouthy, insulting,name-calling disrespectful, nasty, defiant and talking back and being a bitch(I’m being abused by my kids, too!!) when I told her to do something and she refused and basically bragged I have no authrotity over her and I can’t make her do anything and of course my hubby agreed and backed her up and then he starts ripping into me that  never shut up and keep going on and on about everything all the time, and repeating myself even though no one ever listens or hears me and I have no voice or say and I’m never heard. Maybe if they actually took the time to listen  what I have to say(and do what they’re told!) the first time I wouldn’t have to.

I also had the thought cross my mind, being just so fed up with my family, my life, being so unhappy for so long and not seeing any hope or improvement or any end to it, Why wait until Buddy dies (he is my best friend, my joy, and my lifeline and without him I have nothing left to live for, to keep me going) to kill myself? Why not just do it now? What am I waiting for? but then I figured, Then I lose and they win. That’s what they want.

10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Pap Test.

Screenshot_873 I had my Pap test yesterday, only I got the time wrong and got there an HR early so I just had to sit there….. I’d had the time originally written down on my calendar but the kids are always scribbling stuff on it, sabotaging and ruining it(usually by drawing occult stuff on it to annoy me) and one of them eventually just ended up ripping the entire page right off, so I wasn’t able to check and verify . They also updated and now they have a self-sign-in electronically where you swipe your own health card and also had all the patients take this survery only it was on a Tablet and I’m no good with those annoying modern electronic devices, just like with the kiosks at the airport where you have to scan your passport to get your boarding pass; they never work for me  and I always end up having to go get an employee help me, and of course I had trouble with this,too…

When I tried to swipe my health card to sign in it never worked(this happened before at the hospital too when they had the same dumb self-check-in thing for a scan) I swear my body must emit some sort of magnetic field or something that kills electronic devices…so then it said I can punch in the numbers manually so I tried that….it still didn’t work….and I still ended up having to check in at reception anyway,and with the survey I didn’t know how to backspace it and delete mistakes and for weight I accidently hit the wrong numbers and it was so sensitive to the touch it keep repeating and locked in for the answer that I weigh 1808888 pounds and that my BMI calculated as an excessively obese 380! so I had to go up to the reception desk yet again and have her help me with it and everyone in the office was laughing, and it took me so long to manouever thru it,too, and I felt like such a dolt.

Then when I finally went in for the much-dreaded exam they no longer have the fabric sheets to drape over you anymore but disposable paper ones and they were so small it was the size of a paper towel and I told the nurse, My fat ass is going to need more than that to cover! I’m going to need alot more sheets! I must have really clenched up and gone rigid for the exam too as she kept telling me to relax(so I closed my eyes and tried to go to my Happy Place on the beach in the Caribbean, and tried to imagine a hot guy down there, or floating in the water, or laying in the sun) and she asked me the usual woman questions about my cycle and anything unusual and I told her about the unusual bleeding, abdomenal pain, and how I keep asking the doctor for a referral to the gyno as I know something’s wrong and when she got a look in to the cervix she said she did see abnormal stuff just by looking,before any cells were even scraped or examined: she said I have a blister on my cervix and excessivly thick discharge and she said neither is a normal finding for a woman my age and stage in life so she also took extra swabs and is testing for other infections(and I knowdo get frequent yeast infections) as well as cervical cancer.I said why not, since she’s down there swabbing away anyway. Maybe there’s some other kind of infection like staph or something it’ll pick up?

I know I don’t have an STD though as there’s no way I’d get it (unless my vibrator had it)since my hubby’s the only one I’ve ever been with and even with him we haven’t done it in over 11 YRS, since I got prego with the youngest, and the nurse said as far as the cervical cancer if the results are normal I’ll get a letter in the mail  in about 3 weeks and if not the doctor’s office will call me. I wouldn’t really be surprised if that’s what I do have though as it would explain my symptoms, not only the pain and bleeding but also my achy, sore legs, constantly sore lower back, swelling and fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, fatigue, foul discharge, etc. maybe I’ll finally have my long-awaited for diagnosis and answer to my mystery symptoms that have plagued me forever?

Maybe I have cervical cancer?

Buddy is also being very agitated today like he’s got his knickers in a twist and he keeps licking my left  leg and whining and he looks at me intently(as if he’s trying to read my mind almost) and barks, like he’s trying to alert me, like he often does lately, it’s like he can sense something’s wrong, and it made me wonder those times after I’ve had weed and I get this bad feeling like Buddy’s got cancer and is dying only I can’t tell if it means he really is and I’m only aware of it then as that’s when I am more enlightened and can access more full knowledge, or just that I’m rather more paranoid due to the weed, my imagination runs wild, and it’s not actually true, I wonder if maybe I got it all wrong and it’s not actually him that’s dying; it’s me? Maybe the reason that he seems “out of sorts” and mopey and unsettled lately isn’t because he’s dying, but because he’s the one who’s grieving….. for me?

Where’s My Weed?

Screenshot_800 It’s been a week now since I ordered my pre-rolled joints from the gov’t weed supplier off their official website now that weed has been legalized for everyone but it still hasn’t even been sent out for delivery yet even though it was supposed to be shipped in just 2-3 days and they said I’m to get an e-mail informing me of when it gets sent out and I still haven’t got it yet, and I saw on the news as well there’s this huge back-log of orders and shipments are delayed due to the unprecedented high volume of orders and lack of supply; they’re actually running out and demand has exceeded supply,and,in fact, they said all the orders from Ontario alone are more than in the rest of the country in total!

To make matters even worse is the fact that Canada Post is on rotating strikes now as well, always doing it at the worst possible time in order to inconvenience the most people; usually they do it at Christmas time when there’s the highest volume of cards and parcels being sent thru the mail. I normally get my medical marijuana from the licensed medical supplier but I decided to try this as an experiment, and as a comparison in both price and customer service and I have to say that even though I was impressed that the website didn’t crash, wasn’t slow and the items weren’t sold out, (and shipping only costs 5$) when I ordered like I half-expected I am pissed-off it’s taking so long to be shipped and when I order from my regular supplier it arrives in just 1 or 2 days after I order it, and the mail is just one option, you can also get it by courier, although it costs more ( 18 $ to ship as opposed to 4 $ by post, so I order by mail) but at least if the mail’s on strike you do still have another way of getting it, unlike the new gov’t site that only ships by mail so if they’re on strike you’re screwed.

Legalizing weed is the only good thing the gov’t has ever done for me and now they display their usual typical gov’t ineptitude, half-assed service, and substandard ways, and their cannabis oil is way over-priced as well: over 100$ for just a 15 ml bottle and the one I usually get is between 90-100$ for 40 ml, so needless to say I won’t be shopping there again and will continue on with my usual supplier.Oh, well.

As well, my mother said she only has 2 teeth left, one at the top and one at the bottom, like a hamster; the rest have all rotted and fallen out, but she’s on pension and doesn’t have any dental coverage and can’t afford to pay so there’s nothing she can do, and she can’t afford dentures either so pretty soon she won’t have any teeth at all because dental coverage(and drug prescriptions) aren’t covered in our health care; you have to have extra coverage benefits from your employer(like my hubby does but it only covers him, me and the kids under 18, but not her) but alot of people don’t so they’re just S.O. L. I also realized too I have never had sex in my own hometown of Toronto, just in Ottawa, Quebec( in fact, the 24 YR old was actually conceived in Montreal, and the third child was even conceived in the back of a van at the beach!), Hawaii, and here!

Seventeen.

Screenshot_797 I saw this recent issue of Seventeen magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes  and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the inside that I always was,  and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!