Screenshot_53 My mother’s pain is back again and so she took 2 of the 500 mg of Tylenol and then she said to me, I think I’m high! She said she feels all floaty and like I’m floating but that she didn’t like it at all as she doesn’t like not being in control. Boy, is that sure the truth; she always wants to be and has to be in control of everything and everyone; herself, her environment, other people, everything. I told her if she’s lucky she might even leave her body and to just let it go and to go with it; that it’s a nice peaceful, freeing, relaxing, liberating feeling and relieves you of stress and anxiety, to just allow it, to float along , relax, and enjoy the ride, but she didn’t and she fought against it not wanting to get “lost” in it, not wanting to “surrender” to it, not wanting to be free and just see where it takes her.I also think she was scared; maybe scared that she’d float off and never come back? She’s never really been one for adventure or the unknown,either. That’s too bad though, she really could have had quite the experience, quite the “trip.”

As well, my allergies have been so bad lately this year has been one of the worst ever and I have to take allergy meds pretty much every day this summer but it’s so bad this year that even taking Reactine still doesn’t clear up my itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose, etc. and I then have to take a Benadryl as well and sometimes also a Dayquil and even then most times the symptoms still remain, which is very frustrating and annoying, esp. when I’m trying to sleep!Yesterday was National Spoil You Dog Day as well but I spoil my dog every day. I love my boy and I let him know it and show it every day.

As I was coming back from one of Buddy’s walks I also saw someone coming down the street and I don’t see too well but oh, my God did it ever look like Patti and then I heard her shrill voice call out my name….holy shit…. I had to quickly haul ass and drag Buddy inside the house quickly and close and lock up the door behind me as I could hear her calling me louder and louder….then I hunkered down inside waiting for her to bang on the door but she never did, thankfully, so I guess she got the message. I was hoping she would just think that I didn’t hear her, but I guess it was too obvious based on how loud she was calling me and how I quickly hurried inside. That was a close one!

I feel badly scurrying off and  hiding on her like that, but she’s the one who betrayed and used and then dumped and blocked me; she’s the false friend and I have nothing to say to her and don’t need people like that. I can no longer trust her and now there’s also the worry what if she tries to take Buddy back or reports us to the school authorities or something over our homeschooling just to get me back? She’s the type that would too, and has often reported various neighbours for frivolous things to authorities, such as noise infractions, or messy yards,uncut grass, unkempt yards, tresspassing, fence heights, property lines, etc.She’s the stereotypical nosey neighbour that can’t mind her own business and always reports everyone.

My Smart Idea.

Reactine I am now in the worst stage of my cold, you know, the part where your nose runs like a faucet and you have to sleep with a wad of toilet paper shoved up your nostrils. I have been taking Dayquil every 4 hours for relief of the congestion and runny nose even though my mother and Patti brag, as if they are somehow superior to me for not having to medicate for their colds, that they don’t take anything for their colds, they just suffer thru it, but I have small sinuses and narrow nasal passages so I get really stuffed up and can’t breathe, so I have to take something to relieve it, but it only works for 2 hours or so…..so, I had the bright idea Why not try Reactine instead, like I do for my allergies? esp. since it lasts for 24 HRS so you only have to take 1 pill once a day, and it relieves the same symptoms as a cold: sneezing, runny nose, stuffiness…. so I did, and it works wonders and lasts longer! My nose is so clear now I can actually breathe!  It’s like some miracle and from now on I know what I’m going to be taking every time I have a cold! No more cold meds, just Reactine! Weird too, I can’t even find any Contac C in any of the stores anywhere around here anymore, so has it been banned in this country for some reason or are they out of business now, or something?

My friend in France also posted a cute hippo video on my Facebook wall only he spelled it as hyppo which I thought was really cute, and tomorrow my cousins leave on a 2 month cruise to Australia the lucky buggers, and my hubby thinks in just 2 weeks he may not have a job; they’re calling everyone in for a “Big Interview” and there’s talk about relocating it all to India and everyone will be out of a job….oh, shit, if he is let go what do we do about $$$$? How do we pay the bills, which we already struggle to pay, plus my medications are covered under his employer drug plan, and we don’t have the $$$$ to pay, and all the meds I take it would cost hundreds a month and I need my meds…..oh, my God, what are we going to do?(the kids can kiss all their lessons and activities goodbye now,too) The company isn’t having anyone work remotely( from home) anymore now either like he does; he said we’d have to move closer to Toronto so he can commute if he can even be relocated elsewhere in the same company somewhere but there’s NO WAY we can even afford anything near there where the minimum cost of homes start around 500K, and that’s in the towns outside of the GTA…. I know God has always provided our needs and taken care of us before and I have no doubt He will again now but this really scares me…..

I also wonder as well when I woke up this morning if I might have been unconscious and woken up out of unconsciousness as I suddenly just woke up startled and disoriented and I had come out of a deeper place, not like a normal sleep; it felt like I had been in “deeper” and I felt like I had the best sleep ever,too, like how when you wake up out of an anesthetic,and I kept waking up during the night like I usually do, every hour or so and I remember the last time when I looked at the clock and could feel myself drifting off I could see and feel the familiar sensations of going into another dimension and saying to myself, I’m going in…. I got my weed in the mail as well; I order it online from the licensed medical producer and it’s delivered in the mail and I have to sign for it, and when I opened the door the mail lady said, This must be for you…. so I guess she somehow knew what it was, even though it comes in discreet plain packaging(like porn) and has no distinguishing labelling or return address, and I must have looked spacey,out of it,sickly, dishevelled, or something, like a pothead( ha ha) or maybe because I’m bald and she thought I have cancer or something?  😀



Screen Shot 11-07-17 at 06.58 PM I am a drop-out. A drop-out as in I dropped out of life. Just basically given up on living and life, non-stop ongoing traumas ,constant misfortune, mental illness, unhappiness, struggle, damage,bullying,abuse,rejection,victimization, etc. in life has broken me to the point that I even tolerate the daily tasks of life anymore and I just don’t give a shit anymore. I gave up. I don’t care. Not my problem. I withdrew from life and it’s demands, expectations, chores, cares,responsibilities, etc.  Out of order. Retired.Broken. Unavailable. Damaged goods.Return to sender.

I realized as well, once I started thinking about it, that it’s been 5 years since things really started going downhill, both health-wise , mentally,and emotionally. It was when I was 45 and my gallstone attacks arrived and then the removal of my gallbladder when up to that point I had been quite healthy other than the Obstetric Cholestasis with my last child when I was 40, but after the gallbladder trouble then everything just started to decline and  fall apart in rapid succession ,liver, BP, kidneys, stomach, colon,etc. causing a massive crash. It was also that time I started on all my meds(other than the weed for my migraines which I was first prescribed 2 years ago) gained 30 pounds(likely due to the meds) was diagnosed with Asperger’s and Bipolar( we had known about the depression since my teens) and I had survived a few suicide attempts, and now recently a cancer scare due to puzzling symptoms we still have no answer for…………annnnndddd soooooo….

My health is bad(and has been for the past 5 years) and continues to decline, I keep getting crazier and crazier and fear that one day I will just lose my mind completely, plus then there’s also the way my family emotionally abuses and bullies me( and even the therapists agree that’s what it is) and after 25 years of homeschooling and raising all the kids(and after all that they still hate me), I’m just……done, and after all the trauma I’ve endured in my life I’m so broken and damaged I’m not even the same person I once was before. The experiences changed me. You can even look in my eyes and see a sorrow, a hollowness, that wasn’t there before. I literally wear my pain. I’m not who I once was. It was all just too much so I basically dropped-out of life. I’m basically just waiting to die. I eagerly look ahead to each day hoping, Maybe today will finally be the day?

Something weird,too: I was drinking my Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi from the can and took a big gulp and as I swallowed it I felt something large,hard,and sharp stick and lodge in the back of my throat; it must have come off of either the top of my pop can or something from inside the can in the pop that I swallowed when I drank it, I was wondering if possibly metal, glass, or a razor, as bizarre as it sounds that’s what it felt like and I tried to cough it back up but it was too far down and it eventually just went down the rest of the way and I assume it made it ok as I’ve drank and ate since and nothing feels “stuck” or painful and I’m not shitting or barfing up blood or anything so hopefully whatever it was will just pass thru safely on it’s own, safely wrapped up in food waste so the sharp edges of whatever it is won’t slice my intestines on the way thru….

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

Emergency Session.

Screen Shot 07-21-17 at 01.03 PM The good thing is that Patti (who moved away last YR) was in town for a doctor’s app’t so she came by for a visit, which was nice! It was really nice to see her again. The bad is that the 14 YR old didn’t have her emergency session at the eating disorders clinic yesterday afterall; we were about 30 minutes into the drive on the way there when they called and cancelled as one of the team was really sick and had to go to the hospital, so the next app’t isn’t until the regular one next week. Just our luck. It figures.  My mother says If it weren’t for bad luck, we wouldn’t have any luck at all! She really needed that extra app’t though and she refused to eat her breakfast as well and balking at other meals,too, and my hubby got really mad and really went off on her and ripped into her yelling he knows she doesn’t want to live here,and she doesn’t behave for us, and doesn’t do what she’s told, won’t eat, and he  doesn’t want her to live here,and she was sitting there crying….. the poor kid…..it’s not right that he gets mad at her and blames her for being sick, and I went over to rub her back to try and comfort her as I felt so badly for her…..and my hubby yelled at me I always make everything worse and ordered me to get out of the room! What she needs is medication and support, and I’m sick of his bullying! He’s such an asshole and when I told him so he said that I’m annoying! Even if she does want to live somewhere else telling her that he doesn’t want her here is NOT helpful and is part of the problem. (I just want what’s best for her, whatever will make her happy and get well)

It’s also really hard for me to keep watching the 14 YR old spiraling down deeper into depression and despair and not being able to do anything to help her, feeling so helpless, and no one does anything to help; she needs medication, desperately, and not only are they not giving her any anti-depressants, now they also took her off the medication that she did have, that was keeping her eating disorder at bay, and has now been unleashed since stopping the medication and has taken hold of her again.

It’s killing me watching her crashing so hard, so I did what I could: instead of weaning her completely off the medication I started giving it back to her again…..or at least I tried, I tried giving her a pill again to get her re-started, hoping it’ll make her eat again, she never should have stopped taking them. They were helping her, so I just merely continued, only she got suspicious seeing the whole  pill again and thought I was trying to kill  her or slip her a Xanax or something, and then her, my hubby,and the 16 YR old all really tore into me , accusing me of trying to give her my pills (which I didn’t; it was her own prescription), that I think I’m a doctortrying to kill her, etc.. when I’m just desperate for her to eat again and to feel better.know those pills were helping her,and I know how hard she crashed when they were cut in half and stopped. She needs them to control the eating disorder, and they need to put her on anti-depressants, too. Why am I the only one that seems to see that? I’ll do anything to help her. She needs to get back on those pills! I can’t just sit here and watch as she falls further and further down and do nothing, esp. when I know medication will help her yet no one else seems to see that or do anything, , and she still has enough left over, so why not? It’s her own prescription! Yet just another “reason” to berate me.

This is killing me. I can’t keep doing this. If my hubby’s right though and I do always make everything worse then does that mean if I was gone that everything would be better? If I’m the common factor and you remove me from the equation then the problem’s solved…..

6 Weeks, 2 Days.

Screen Shot 07-03-17 at 07.28 PM “Aunt Flow” finally came, over 2 weeks late, at 6 weeks, 2 days, and of course the cramps are off the charts , bad enough I had to take the prescription medication from my doctor, but even that didn’t do the trick so then I also took another “miracle” medication that cures most ailments( that I usually take for migraines but also helps other headaches, cramps, anxiety, insomnia, nausea,etc…) ….cannabis oil! True medicine for the mind and body! That finally did the trick and shortly after the cramps were gone, and the weed and naproxyn together are apparantly even more effective.  I’m surprised the flow isn’t a real gusher, though, going so long,(I do have clots though)although usually the second day is the worst…seriously, I’m too old for this shit anymore! Where is menopause? I’m also thinking that maybe the reason it went so long this time is because last month I was also bleeding in-between periods; either that, or menopause…

The thought also occurred to me that maybe the reason the 14 YR old “turned” on me and hates me and disrespects me now is because I use weed for my migraines twice a week and she doesn’t approve and looks “down” on me and is being judgemental, even though it is a legal medical prescription, prescribed by a medical doctor to treat a medical condition,  making it no different than any of the other medication I take for other ailments such as my high BP, ulcer, depression, etc. although she, the 16 YR old,and my hubby hassle me about all my pills,too, even though none of them are opioids or addictive in any way, none are painkillers, and are are for legitimate medical conditions.It’s not like I’m some junkie in a crack house! I think they’re just always looking for a reason to tear me down.

In case you were wondering, I also made the weed meme seen here myself, You’re welcome. I got the idea based on a friend’s FB quote, and then I added the background as I’m thankful for God’s bounty, and that incl. the cannabis plant! It alleives so many medical issues and it’s just an added bonus that it also comes with nice side-effects,too, unlike most medication side-effects such as constipation, dry mouth, weight gain, etc.

Screen Shot 07-02-17 at 06.43 PM I also put this photo here of baby Fiona(at the Cinncinati Zoo; I have been following her since her premature birth back in January) simply because she’s such a beauty and when I saw this it just made my day. It’s so cute I decided to share it. The guys in Toronto also went to the Canada’s Wonderland amusement park, and my hubby drove back later in the evening to take the 16 YR old to one of her activities that’s still on during the summer, although it’s too bad another of the parents couldn’t have taken her so he wouldn’t have had to come back and do all that driving. As soon as he saw me the first words out of his mouth were criticism,too, critical that my music was too loud. Somehow I can’t say that I was surprised… It was also my cousin’s birthday yesterday and I sent him a greeting on Facebook and he replied, Thanx, Cuz! and that tiny 3-letter word Cuz (short for cousin) just stood out, and meant alot to me, it gave me this sense of belonging, of inclusion, of family, of affection,of being a part of something; something that I haven’t felt in a long time.


Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 02.37 PM SWF: soft warm fur. Sun-kissed. The girls and I just absolutely love Buddy’s warm fur from the sun and he loves basking in the sun just like I do; we’re sun buddies! Laying in the sun relaxes him too and puts him in a better mood as well and he’s less “snappy” and more agreeable to letting the kids “maul” him after a nice sunbath.(Just so you know, he’s never been snappy, growled at, or bitten me, because I’m nice to him and he loves me) If you look closely you might be able to see his painted nails,too, courtesy of the 15 YR old. I told her it was gay because he’s a boy (and he doesn’t like it) but she didn’t care. Poor dog. He must be so embarrassed to go out in public like that. He does have some dignity, you know.

I also was up to see the sunrise yesterday as I took Buddy for his morning walk and it was really pretty and we went to the 13 YR old’s weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic and this time I brought my iPod to listen to music on the HR drive there and back to help pass the time faster and my hubby sniffed, Good, now I won’t have to listen to you yapping! but I don’t have to listen to you,either, asshole, or your redneck crap on the radio which he did have on both ways, and on the way home we got gas at the Mohawk reserve as it’s cheaper not having to pay tax,and stopped off at Sephora as the 13 YR old had to exchange a birthday gift she got someone as it was the wrong colour and I tried on a purple lipstick there and her and my hubby gasped, what did you do to your lips?  and she also wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her in the store,either; I had to pretend I was alone and didn’t know her and when her and my hubby were walking in the mall they were always so many steps ahead of me too and I was trailing along behind..that’s just so symbolic of how my family treats me, how they make me feel, and my place in my family.

The 13 YR old continues to make progress and do well, but as we left the parking lot and tried to cross the street to the hospital she suddenly felt like she was going to barf and pass out and she sat down right there in the middle of the sidewalk so my hubby ran across the street and got her a wheelchair but her BP and heart rate were ok, so maybe she’s just coming down with something, some sort of virus, as someone’s usually sick over Easter, and they increased her anxiety meds(which also help her sleep better) and said she needs more structure and routine, such as for meal-times and bed, whereas we’ve always been more “free”, flexible, let the kids come and go and make their own schedules, more of a free-range parenting style without much structure, rules, or routine.

Both the nurse-practitioner and social worker really loved my new hair as well and they said it was edgy and alternative and gushed how much they loved it so I guess they really did, otherwise they didn’t have to say anything, and they probably all wonder too how my hubby and I ever got together, with me being funky and him such a nerd, with such dissimilar tastes and nothing in common,and I do,too, and when we got home I was really tired as the app’t’s and long drives are exhausting on me both mentally and physically so I had a nap and the 13 YR old goes, why are you napping? and I told her because I’m tired and she says you shouldn’t do weed!…..except I didn’t…..I was just tired.… I can be tired for other reasons,too, not just when I drift off after I’ve used weed!

The Doctor.

Doctor We visited the 18 YR old again and I was talking to his doctor( he gave permission at last so we can help him to get better) and she even asked me what *I* thought was going on with him and I told her probably something like Bipolar Disorder like I have. She didn’t think he was depressed as he didn’t seem depressed but he’s good at hiding it and last time he said he “tricked” the doctor and just told him what he wanted to hear so that they’d let him out, so he can easily fool people,too. She put him on Clonidine for his tics and Haldol as a mood stabilizer and to control his irrational thinking and as well as his usual counselling he’ll also be going to group therapy weekly, cognitive behavioural therapy so hopefully between everything he can get better and find hope and a reason to get better. She also said that it has to come from HIM; that HE has to *want* to live and that the part of him that wants to live has to be stronger than the part of him that wants to die, and that we have to “feed” the part of him that wants to live.

She also said that he shouldn’t stay in the hospital for too long or get too “comfortable” there and that it’s important to his recovery that he gets back to his regular life and responsibilities and that he returns to his family and social life so he’ll be coming home at the end of the week, which would give him a week there to clear his head, be monitored, to see the doctor, to get therapy, to see how the medications go,and to be in a safe place where he can’t harm himself. While we were there today 2 of his friends also came to see him which was nice. On the way home I had my music on my iPod and my hubby snapped, “It comes with earphones!” yet everyone ELSE gets a turn having THEIR music on in the van, so why is it not ok for me? Why do *I* have to use the earphones? I really am a second-class citizen in my own family. I’m treated differently than everyone else.

Jury Duty.

Jury Last week when I had to personally go down to the post office and sign for a letter and show ID the thought occurred that maybe it was a jury summons( as it turned out it wasn’t) and my first thought was if it WAS, what excuse could I come up with to get out of it, but then as I thought about it more my perspective started to change and I started to see it as an interesting and exciting opportunity and adventure! Now I’m basically “retired” from homeschooling I have the time for it and it would be interesting to be in a court room and sit on a jury, faced with evidence like how you see on those crime shows on TV…

It would also be a tremendous responsibility and burden though,too, and not one to be taken lightly as a person’s fate is in your hands and it would be done thoughtfully and prayerfully.I would want to be sure I made the right decision and came up with the correct verdict and wouldn’t want to make the tragic mistake of allowing a guilty person to go free, or even worse: convicting an innocent one! What if it were to be a really high-profile , interesting,and exciting case,too, like a murder case? It would be an amazing opportunity that not everyone gets to have.(My mother did once; when we lived in Ottawa she was on a jury for 1-2 weeks or so) Of course at the time I wouldn’t be able to discuss details of it with anyone or write about it on my blog but after it was over I still could and it would make for very interesting topics of conversation and blog posts!

So after it all, in the end I was even a bit sad and felt a twinge of disappointment to find out it wasn’t for jury duty afterall. My mother said she thought they randomly drew names from a list of home-owners, but I thought it came from either citizen’s income tax form info or voter registration info.It would certainly put a little bit of excitement into my dull, boring life though if I ever did get selected…

As well, I didn’t get my usual seat in church yesterday; someone else was sitting there,and my medications must be working as I *wasn’t* all riddled with severe anxiety,agitation, and panic welling up like I normally would have been at the change in routine( with my Asperger’s I get like that) I was just a bit “miffed” but I just sat one row ahead and shrugged it off….no big deal, but before it would have felt like the end of the world…