I Remember.

Screenshot_675 I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683 Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676 In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677 The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679 Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.

 

Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

Screenshot_490

The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

Screenshot_492

I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

Rebel.

trillium I knew the answer  to a question they had to a call-in contest on the radio: What is the official flower of Ontario? – the trillium.(seen here). I will never forget it and will always remember it as it is connected to one of my first acts, if not, the first act, of rebellion against authority. I remember how during a nature walk in the woods once at camp the counsellor explained to us all the various different trees and plants and pointed out trilliums saying how they’re the official provincial flower and so on and how the gov’t made a law that it’s illegal to pick them……so, of course, me, being the little rebel that I am, and always was, guess what I did? When everyone’s backs were turned and no one was looking I discreetly bent down and plucked one up, smirking with satisfaction to myself, thrilled and empowered with my bold, courageous, rebellious act of sedition! This was my first(of many) show of defiance against the gov’t telling us what to do, making Fascist and often stupid laws, curtailing our freedoms, imposing upon our lives, and so I begun my life-long journey of civil disobedience( ha ha) just like that, with the plucking of a trillium flower; my first thumbing my nose at Big Brother,showing a sign of defiance and silent protest, beginning a long tradition of sticking it to The Man. 😀

I’ve always been a rebel.

The 15 YR old also has a birthday today and I hope and pray with all my heart that she has a good day esp. since, like me, ever since she broke, life has changed for her and she is a different person than she once was it’s hard now for her to be happy and the slightest thing sets her off. Losing the closeness and the loving relationship I once had with her(not my choice) is one of my biggest losses and regrets in life as well and when I really think about it, most of my regrets in life are all based on love, and loss of love, be it unrequitted love( I love people that never loved me back) or lost friendships( and the regret that they could never be mended again, even when I tried) or broken relationships( such as with my mother once I had kids, or with my kids once they got older and I got more traumatized and damaged over the years and they started hating me) everything is always about love and love is the main, and most important thing in life, and the loss of love is the most painful and most regretful thing.

We also figured that Patti must have tightened her Facebook privacy settings so that only her friends can see what she posts now since we’re not seeing any more new posts but there’s always still a way around it; there’s always another way, and I’m so slow now that even Buddy, who’s an old dog at 12, walks faster than I do. That really makes me feel old, as does realizing that many of my school friends are now grandparents and that many of my own kids’ friends they had as teens as now all grown up and are married and have kids of their own, and now instead of reading the birth notices in the paper to see if there’s anyone I know I find myself reading the death notices!

Funny,too: the 11 YR old made up a new word: he mixed up kilometres( which we use) with miles( that his school books use as it’s American) and he said kilomiles  and as I was lazing in the sun with Buddy it brought back a happy childhood memory of a simpler time,too; of  childhood summers of me at either the cottage or visiting relatives in the country, the adults all sitting out on the veranda talking and me laying on my stomach on the porch swing on the wooden country porch, still barefoot and in my bathingsuit, with one leg and one arm dangling down, still sweaty, sunburned, wet, and sandy from a day at the creek, gently rocking back and forth as the breeze blows past and the sun sets, enjoying the sights and sounds of wildflowers, fresh cut grass and the chirping of birds and cicadas in the lazy summer heat, just blissfully drifting away, no cares in the world, a perfect day, the perfect feeling, just the joy of life, the joy of living, the joy of life,and the love of living. I really miss that. I miss that feeling, that serenity, that joy.When life was good and worth living. When I used to be happy.