Anxiety Makes You Look Like An Asshole.

Screenshot_798 I saw this on Facebook and wanted to share it here as it describes me and my life with anxiety perfectly:

Anxiety Makes You Look Like An Asshole

I don’t reach out to people.

I’m terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I’m even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong, of graduating from a concerned friend to an annoying nuisance. So I delete messages. I wait too long to answer back. I don’t let on that I care.

But I care more than anyone realizes. I care so much it hurts.

I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m only trying to survive — because, to me, social interaction is a war zone. It makes my cheeks redden, my lungs flutter.

That’s why I don’t look people in the eye as they’re talking to me. I look at their lipstick, at the wall behind them, I might even glance down at my phone. It makes me seem like I don’t give a damn about what they have to say, but avoiding their gaze is just a crutch. I’m paying closer attention than they can imagine. Absorbing every word.

I’m not a good conversationalist — and it makes me seem like a shitty friend.

I don’t jump into conversations. I’m quiet in groups. People assume that I’m sitting there, judging them for every word that pops out of their lips when really I’m in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them. How human they are and how fucked up I am.

Of course, they don’t realize that I have anxiety. They just think I’m quiet. Shy.

No, they don’t realize I have anxiety, because I’m not shaking at the table and hyperventilating into a paper bag. My meltdowns happen before I see them.

The night before, on my drive there, in the car — I’m freaking out the entire time. Imagining all of the things that could go wrong. Picturing how embarrassed I’ll be.

But when I’m finally in public, I internalize everything. I try to minimize my physical symptoms to avoid drawing attention to myself — but just because I calmed my shaking doesn’t mean I’ve calmed my mind.

I’m still anxious. I’m just not showing it. Secretly, I’m freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look.

And if I need to compose myself, I’ll escape to the bathroom and heavy breathe inside of a stall or splash water across my face, and then walk back into the room like I’m perfectly fine.

But I’m not fine. Anxiety makes sure I’m never fine.

It makes me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say.

It makes me look like a complete asshole.

But that’s not true at all. I’m just someone that’s trying to get through the day. Someone that wants to be liked, but feels like they’ll never belong.

Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.

 

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.

 

Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

Smile!

Screenshot_337 I have decided I will to embark on The Smile Project. I am going to consciously make an effort to try hard to smile. It doesn’t come naturally for me and it’s something I hardly do. I usually have this sour, dour, stone-cold blank stare sort of look on my face, which I guess basically just reflects how I feel. My expression shows my mood, which in turn, shows what my life has done to me and how it makes me feel. It’s hard, actually, for me to smile, takes a real effort on my part, and is something I have to remind myself, tell myself, and make a conscious effort to do. It doesn’t come naturally for me like it does for most people, I assume due to my Asperger’s.That, plus all the SHIT in my life that broke me and beat me down so I no longer have a reason to smile anymore.

I know smiling is attractive to people, it brightens your face, is more inviting, makes you appear more friendly, confident, approachable, agreeable, happy, cheerful, inviting, receptive, warm, open, cheerful, fun, etc. and if you don’t smile or are stone-faced or scowling, it is seen as “defensive” in a way and turns people away, so I am now going to try and smile, and often, but it’s really hard because it’s not something I normally do or that comes naturally and I have to always remind myself and force it and it feels so weird, so fake, so unnatural, so phony, so forced, and it makes me feel very self-conscious, and I wonder how goofy it must look and like Can I really pull this off or do I just look like the Joker?  Whenever I try to smile it looks like more like some sort of sarcastic smirk .It’s also very difficult for me to smile as in order to do so I’d have to make eye contact and look directly into the person’s face,too, which makes me very uncomfortable with my Social Phobia and I tend to shy away and look down, away, or at the floor but not directly at the person, which makes me very nervous, panicky, and uneasy. The idea is I smile, feel more confident, smile more, gain more confidence…

BuddyToe This is also the stubby-nubby what’s left of poor Buddy’s toe/thumb. Now what you see here is a tip of bone of a stump attached to flesh.The rest of the toe and the entire nail are gone. Yummy, huh? Now for a joke I call him Stubby or Stumpy. He licks it frequently, keeping it clean, and there’s a healing property in dog saliva too that disinfects and dogs seem to have a way of knowing how to take care of themselves. I had a nightmare as well that he told me he has a tumour behind his eye and he’s dying soon and that’s what’s causing the lumps under his eye.  I hope NOT in real life!! The 11 YR old was also mad at me and to be hurtful he yelled at me he’ll kill Buddy.  That kid seriously is disturbed.though. I also keep having recurring dreams my ex-friend J is dead now,too.

File this under WORD OF THE DAY: This is my new fave word now: phlegmon. It defines as an infected area within a tissue less defined than an abcess. I just love the sound of that word; it’s sort of like phlegm. I wonder too if maybe it’s eeven an absess that’s the trouble under Buddy’s eye,too? My hubby and kids were being obnoxious, cold-hearted, and awful yesterday as well, celebrating 9/11, having a party, playing games, incl. Jenga, which is like a tall tower that collapses, making innapropriate and disrespectful comments and “jokes”, very crass, wrong, insensitive, appalling, and that crossed the line. I told them how awful they were and it would be good if I had died on 9/11 and then they’d really have something to be happy and celebrate about and then they actually wouldn’t be able to have their annual  Happy 9/11! day because everyone else would think they were celebrating the anniversary of my death,too, and would know that they are insensive crude assholes,celebrating the anniversay of when their mother died, and maybe also then as well they would know how the families of the victims of 9/11 felt at losing their loved-ones,too, although if I died they wouldn’t even care though; no one would miss me. The only one that would even care is my dog.

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

Screenshot_316

The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.