Ganja Liberation Day!!

Screenshot_701 After being illegal for the past 95 years (other than medical marijuana being legal for 15 years, like what I have for the past 3 years now)  weed is now finally legal here in Canada! It has now finally, at long last, been legalized for recreational use. Even before this country was already one of the highest consumers of weed (we’re a nation of potheads, ha,ha) only it was underground so now the real only difference is that people will be more open about it and not so secretive, no longer having to hide from the police, but can now do it openly and not have to hide anymore. My hubby and the girls look down on me for my medical marijuana use though, even though it’s all but eliminated my migraines, that were so bad I’d generally have them pretty much daily, and lasting weeks on end, with my longest lasting for 33 days straight. Weed has been a lifesaver for me and there’s no way I’d ever go back tot he suffering and torture I had with my migraines like I had before.

My family acts like I’m some sort of junkie though, like some kind of crack addict or something, even though I don’t even take my prescribed daily dose, which is 2 gm, because I can’t afford it; I don’t have the $$$$$ to be able to take it that often or to buy that much, so I ration it and make do with less taking a much lower, less frequent amount, but I have been prescribed 2 gm daily, spread out twice a day, the equal of 2 joints daily. Then the question remains: what is the difference though, between an addiction and a habit or routine? How can you tell if one is addicted or if it’s just a part of your daily routine, such as with any other daily prescribed medication you take, or even vitamins; you take them every day, and you depend on them and need them, in order to stay healthy and yet no one accuses you of being an addict or a junkie, yet once that medication is marijuana everyone suddenly gets all judgemental…

I’m also utterly lost and confused that for the past 2 years or so all 5 of the girls have all been shunning, blacklisting and ignoring the Edmonton Boys (the oldest, who just turned 29 yesterday, and the 20 year old) and yet when I ask no one will tell me why or give me an answer. They’re their brothers and yet they’ve shut them out of their lives completely and don’t even talk to them…..but why? There must be a reason, but when I ask they won’t tell me saying they don’t remember, it doesn’t matter, or when I ask one of them they’ll tell me to go ask the other and vice-versa, so no one’s telling me anything, and the only hint might be is the 17 YR old said they use and sell drugs so we don’t associate with them and they’re “beneath” us,  and the 23 YR old said they put up a SnapChat video of them snorting Ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer and is used in anesthesia during surgery… and then he said the oldest’s been selling drugs since he was in highschool and then chided me for how could you not have noticed or known? and when I said I had no idea he goes, That’s because you didn’t ask…. except I do ask…..but nobody ever tells me anything! He criticized me for “not noticing” but if nothing looks suspicious why would I and if they’re good at hiding, keeping secrets,sneaking around, and covering for one another how would I notice or have any idea that anything was wrong? I’m not a mind reader, afterall! Excuse me for trusting my kids when I never thought there was any reason not to.

Until now that is.

So then there’s also this: what’s true and what’s not. The kids also have a history of causing drama, of causing trouble, of making up stories, holding grudges, making big things out of little things, playing mind-games with me, playing on my worries,setting eachother up,lying….is any of that even true, about the drugs I mean, and is that why they’ve shut them out of their lives, or was it just over some stupid little disagreement or something and they’re holding a grudge? My mother wonders if maybe they’re gay or something but even if so that’s still no reason to dis-own them and cut them out of their lives and social circle, so I wonder what it could be? Did someone do something so bad ( I can’t imagine what, like stealing or something maybe?) that got them banished, or was it all just a stupid misunderstanding of some sort, or an over-reaction, a dumb grudge, did they have a fight, take “sides” over some issue that divides them, or what? All the 15 YR old would say is it’s sibling stuff.

It bothers me though how they’ve just cut them out of their lives like that, and not even telling me why; I wish they’d just make up and make peace and end their feud, whatever caused it. The 23 YR old said I need to work on my relationships and that’s true as due to my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia I know I don’t relate to, connect with, bond with, socialize well, etc. with people easily, well, and can appear distant but I do still care and it makes me sad to see that some of my kids are feuding and shunning others.It hurts me as well that they always keep stuff from me, even important stuff, even though I am the mother and I do have the right to know what my kids are up to and esp. if anyone is struggling in any way and needs help, like with the 15 and 20 year olds when they went thru their mental health crisis; the other kids knew but no one told us, delaying treatment. Their UsVSThem mentality can be very harmful.

Cheap.

Screen Shot 09-16-17 at 08.19 AM I noticed on the church bulletin that funeral Masses cost 300$ but if you just have a Mass said for your intention,say like for your soul, then it’s only 20$ so I’ll probably end up going with that option because it saves $$$$. I can’t even afford to die. My God, I’m so cheap, or maybe it’s just that I’m poor, and I never have enough $$$ and can’t afford anything but I always have to do everything I can to try and save $$$ and make things last as long as they can and stretch everything out further. For instance, I cut the Poptarts in half so they last longer. I re-use plastic baggies rather than just using them once and throwing them out. I re-use paper towel as well unless it’s wet. I only buy stuff on sale,and that incl. all of our groceries. If I see coins on the street I pick them up. Buy stuff used.Buy in bulk.Now I sort of remind myself of those friends I had when I was younger and how their parents told them to walk on the grass so their shoes would last longer and not wear out, and like my Scottish uncle used to say, I’m not cheap; I’m thrifty!

As well, as I was outside enjoying the return of summer-y warm weather I turned on my iPod to listen to some music and I felt this pain in my baby finger; it felt like it was being cut by glass even though it didn’t make any sense and when I looked down to see  what the…..????? I saw a wasp there so I knew I’d been stung and after a few minutes not one, but two elevated bumps with a dot in the middle showed up, so I was stung twice! I tend to react allergically too so I took a Benedryl to lessen it but even so my poor finger really swelled up so much it felt like it was going to split! It really hurt,too, more than usual, I think due to the location, that the baby finger is so small.

I also remember that my Topamax that I take for my migraines( and that also helps my bi-polar) can cause kidney damage, incl. kidney stones, so that could be what’s causing my issues, or maybe it’s even just my stomach ulcer back again, although the pain is lower down, below the belly-button, not above it,  and my gut-feeling is that it’s cancer and I’m dying, but it could just be wishful thinking too, just hoping that I’m dying soon, sort of like when you’re a little kid and you think that if you want something badly enough, hope for it enough and wish for it badly enough that you can will it to happen and make it happen…it could be true, but it may all just be in my head,too….I’ll know soon enough though, once I get the CT scan results…but I know that it’s something; that something’s causing me to have all the symptoms and to feel the way I do, and why I’m declining day by day and feel like the life is being drained out of me…

Weed.

screen-shot-01-20-17-at-02-08-pm The medical marijuana licensed supplier finally got in their new shipment following the recall(due to a pesticide) and not too soon as I’m almost all out (and I don’t want the migraines to come back!) so as soon as I got the e-mail informing me I went right online to their site to try and order more before they sell out.Easy enough….

Not so easy. Nothing ever is for me.

First of all the site wouldn’t even load and I couldn’t even sign in, I assume to the high volume of traffic as everyone was all scrambling at once to get on the site and order more weed as their supply would also have run out due to the recall so the site would have been extra busy, so then I decided to try and phone them instead and place my order that way. I was caller 85 and after waiting on hold for 20 minutes I ended up caller 60…..and then I got cut off…..so I went back online to try the website again to order and this time  I was able to finally sign in but it kept saying “incorrect password” even though it wasn’t, and then “client not found”…….and then the site crashed.

F*ck.

After that, then I e-mailed them explaining my situation and asking them if I could place an order that way and they have my credit card on file or if not to just phone me back and I’ll give them the info…..but I never heard back, so  then I went back online again to re-try a few HRS later and I actually got to the end, to the checkout and it took forever to load verifying payment so I’d refresh it, and even cancelled it and re-did it,and after forever it finally worked and my order was processed.Yay! Success!!

HA! Not so easy.

When I received the order confirmation(s) by e-mail it said that I’d had THREE orders placed, so the ones I’d refreshed and cancelled actually weren’t, and were included in the final  checkout, so instead of ordering one bottle of cannabis oil for 90$, I ended up ordering 3 bottles….costing over 300$! Holy shit!! Just my luck! Their whole system’s just so over-loaded and screwed up as with the recall everyone’s running out and all rushing out to order at once as soon as the new stock arrived and it overwhelmed their website and their phone lines……but now  somehow have to try an un-do it and cancel 2 of the orders before they ship out my order which is unlikely as it’s a weekend and the shipment arrives just 2 days after the order plus with their systems crashing I’ll never be able to get a hold of anybody!

Double f*ck.

Of course my mother is beyond furious at me and shrieked, ” 3 hundred f*cking dollars?”….the good news though is at least I did get free shipping, so I saved  10$!(and I’ll have enough weed to last at least 9 months or so!) I spent all day trying to get thru and place my order and I was so worried that by the time I finally got thru that they’d already be all sold out of the new stock with everyone re-stocking all at once and I’d have to go to the local neighbourhood guy to get my weed and buy it off the street until they get their next shipment and when I finally did get to order it there was a glitch. It figures. Nothing can ever go right or just work out for me. I can’t believe my bad luck all the time.

F*ck to infinity and beyond.

Pogue Mahone.

screen-shot-01-08-17-at-12-57-pm Did I ever tell you the story of where I got my screen-name Pogue Mahone from? I got it several YRS ago when I was in Dublin. It’s actually an Irish Gaelic phrase, pogmothoin, which means, kiss my arse. I thought it was just the funniest, most hilarious thing ever, plus it sounds like an actual name, and the oldest and I also collaborated and together we even invented this comical cartoon character we named Pogue Mahone that has an actual ass for a face,and I decided to use Pogue Mahone as my screen-name online, for this blog, for Facebook, etc. for anything where I want privacy, it’s my alias. I silently chuckle inside every time I use it because I know what it means yet very few other people do, unless, of course, they happen to be Irish, and I’ve had a few of them comment on it, saying they know what it means and it cracks them up, but others have no idea,and I even got a letter addressed to me once as , “Dear Ms. Mahone…..” It was the funniest thing ever.

So now you know.

As well I also have this weird headache for the past few days but it’s not a migraine, and I feel dizzy with it,too, and Tylenol won’t even get rid of it and I can’t quite figure out what it is, and I also feel light-headed, and I have an app’t with my doctor next week to have him check out the lesion on my back/shoulder that I highly suspect is a melanoma/skin cancer and I know that he won’t have any idea what it is( he can’t even tell his ass from a hole in the ground!) but will have to refer me on to a dermatologist but at least I’ll eventually find out.

It’s snowing yesterday and today as well and I like going for a  walk when it’s snowing, it’s like living in a snow-globe and there’s almost something magical about it, and I also heard the gov’t has banned the sale of menthol cigarettes now; more  Fascist Big Brother policies banning and regulating everything yet again, telling citizens what we can and can not do, and even in North Korea (which clearly is a dictatorship) they don’t ban or regulate cigarettes, and surprisingly even weed is legal there, too….so when your country starts banning stuff that even one of the most closed-off, secretive, brutal, suppressive,and harsh regimes allows freely then you know democracy is dead and you’re in trouble….

Hare Krishna.

screen-shot-12-21-16-at-08-42-am

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna,

Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare,

Hare Rama, Hare Rama,

Rama Rama,

Hare Hare

I love this Hare Krishna mantra and I often say it over and over when I want to relax and meditate, when I need peace and serenity, when I am trying to clear my head, find my Happy Place, and leave my body.I find the repetition of it very soothing and calming, and since “Krishna” is just another name and form of God I see nothing wrong or contradictory with it. I think that there are many different paths to God, not just one, and I also think that it’s very arrogant for anyone one religion or faith to claim that they alone are the one and only way to God, to the exclusion of all others, although most of them do seem to be guilty of that.God shouldn’t be restricted in such a way; He’s available to everyone that loves Him.

I don’t think God can be limited to just one faith, one religion, one denomination, one belief system. I believe that there are many different ways to worship Him, depending on where in the world one lives and which culture they were exposed to and brought up in. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, for example all believe in God, they just have different ways of worshipping Him and some have different forms in expressing Him, but who’s to say which one is “right” and which ones are “wrong?” I think that God accepts worship from anyone that truly loves and obeys Him the best to their ability, and that there are many roads to Heaven.One person may find a particular religion is best “suited” to them and their lifestyle and someone else prefers another, yet both are acceptable to God, who is far more accepting, loving, forgiving, and less restrictive and limiting than people are.

screen-shot-12-21-16-at-10-39-am I also saw this when the 9 YR old was playing Super Mario Galaxy and this is what I would like my house to look like in Heaven; it just looks so Heavenly, the shape, with the green on it, the flowers,  the door, and it has a circular window on the other side, and I love the stairs and the flowers leading up to the walkway, it just makes me think of what I’d imagine Heaven might be like and how I’d like my house there to be like.Are you listening, God? hint, hint…..

I had a dream as well that in time I still will find my True Love , that it’s never too late,and that he’s someone I already know, from my past, that I will meet up with again,and I think  the reason I started getting migraines when I was 13 was probably damage to my brain from doing all that math in school; it burned a hole in my brain, and I saw on the news pagans were celebrating the winter solstice,too, and I wondered, why would anyone celebrate winter? I can see celebrating the end of winter, but who would celebrate winter itself? I mean, really! I’d celebrate summer!!

Neuro.

screen-shot-11-28-16-at-06-43-pm-001 Yesterday I had my yearly app’t with the neurologist. It was in a city an HR away, which also happens to be the same city that the 13 YR old was born in and the same city the 18 YR old had to go to have his leukemia treatment when he was younger. My hubby had the day off(he got from working overtime) and I made a day of it. While there I also went shopping at the mall and I treated myself to a French Manicure at the nail salon for the holidays! This was the first time I’d ever been  to a nail salon or ever had a professional manicure! I even saw an old man there getting his feet done! (ewww!!) It’s interesting how all the nail salon ladies all seem to be Vietnamese,too! The lady used this tool like a wood working polisher, then using like a small paint brush dipped a liquid in a white powder which turned to a thick gel and she put it on my nails and it burned and stung my cuticles where I had bitten them( I’m under sooo much stress lately I’m a wreck and bitten my nails really bad so I’m also hoping the manicure will deter that) and then glued the tips on and then I dried it under a warm light,and then they were buffed and polished again and coated with a clear glossy polish. It took about 30 minutes and cost 50 $ and should last 2-3 weeks and then “grows” out. It made me feel pampered and pretty,and for the first time I didn’t feel completely ugly. I also bought a glitter eyeliner at Sephora.

The doctor renewed my prescription, did a few basic neurologic tests,and I got bloodwork, and was concerned about the seizure I had last YR so I had an ECG done to check my heart( boy and I ever glad that I wore a bra! I don’t usually, I usually just go au natural but figured I’d better wear one for my app’t as you never know what part of your body they might want to look at or listen to your chest,etc.) and is booking me for an EEG( to check for abnormal brain waves) as well but it takes about 2 months. He doesn’t think smoking weed could have caused the seizure and thinks most likely due to something with my heart that caused a sudden drop in blood pressure, or that I’ve been having “silent” seizures all along but they’re so subtle they’ve gone unnoticed and now scar tissue has formed causing the Big One. He said if I only have the one and no others and if the EKG is normal he has no concerns, but if I have more or it shows abnormal brain waves then it needs to be treated using medication. He also agreed that cannabis is good for treating migraines and said he’s glad that it’s helping me.

Buddy really missed me( I was gone 6 HRS) gone for most of the day,too, he was waiting at the door for me alot of the time and sulking under the couch and when I finally did come back he was overjoyed and yelping and  jumping all over me in jubilation and when I went up to have a bath he was whining at the door and even as I sit here at the computer he jumped up onto my lap, wanting to cuddle and stay close by me. He’s just the sweetest little guy and loyal little friend. I just love him so much!

Cannabis Oil.

screen-shot-10-20-16-at-08-40-am I got the new cannabis oil I ordered!  I got the Indica strain as  it  has more relaxing and calming properties(as opposed to the Sativa) to also help my anxiety and nerves. The 40 ml bottle cost 80$ but then there was delivery and tax so it was 100$ total.It arrived just 2 days later, and comes with a dosing syringe. I started at the smallest dose and then waited to see if anything happened, if I could “feel” anything happening, feel it’s effects, know it was working, etc. I had a headache from my sinus infection and was curious to see as well if it would go away. So I took the ever-so-small dose,1/4 ml,  and it was a thick oily slightly sweet taste, with a slight “weed” taste to it. I waited…and waited…I didn’t feel any different but I had to give it time to digest….. 1 HR went by….then 90 min. went by….still nothing….I guess I don’t notice anything….

and then at exactly 1 HR 45 minutes after I’d ingested it……wham!! It just suddenly hit me, a sudden gush of warm, vibrating waves just came rushing at me and I started “rippling” along with the vibration and went with the flow….and so off I “sailed”…off and on….and I watched the  news in “3 D” only without the benefit of 3-D technology, I kept spacing out, I craved a carrot muffin and a chocolate bar, I heard church bells and rap music playing in my head, thinking in slow motion,danced around the kitchen, and I think may have time travelled too and am still feeling the effects of it now as I type this, so I’m not sure how long it lasts, but yes, they were right: it is much stronger(and at a lower dose) than the inhaled type of marijuana!(apparatnly it lasts longer,too) As long as it still gets rid of the migraines I’m good, and oh, it also knocked out that sinus headache that was plaguing me, and I  figured out how “The Blacklist” will end!

As well, my mother had to go to the pharmacy and quickly re-new her pills as she only had 2 of the insulin pills left but she  thought she had over a week left and figured she must have mis-counted, but she was right, she did originally have a week more; I took them that time I tried to kill myself, remember, only it didn’t work, and now she’s short a week’s pills, and she also sniggered that Buddy’s “never too far” from me so I replied like how the 9 YR old’s never too far from her and then she didn’t say a thing; she can dish it out but she can’t take it and she’s always making snide little comments like this to me!

When the kids are at the store and walk by the counter and hear lotto winners they also thought the machine said, “Winner! Daniel!Winner!” but in actual fact it was saying, “Winner! Gagnant! Winner!” with “gagnant” being “winner” in French, but they thought  they were saying “Daniel!” It’s so funny,  and the 15 YR old’s really tiny ( the perfect size for gymnastics and cheerleading) and the 17 YR old  jokingly teased her about her small size saying, “You’re so short even a midget can’t see you!” and I told her, “They like to be called “Little People!”