10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Reprieve.

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I think this must be my new favourite food…..only there’s nothing left by the time I thought to take a photo because it’s so good I just gobbled it up so quickly there was nothing left! It’s the yummy spicy mashed potatoes that the 23 YR old invented and whips up. He also does these really good and hot and spicy “glass” noodles. I didn’t know it at first (and found out the hard way, several hours later, when my lactose intolerance  and IBS loudly declared itself in the form of stomach pain and abdomenal cramps) but he puts lots of butter and milk in, and then adds lots of spices.  I asked him for the recipe but he says he doesn’t really have one; he just sort of makes it up as he goes along, and he doesn’t measure,either; he just puts in a pinch of this spice and a pinch of that. The end result is always so good though, like the sort of thing you’d have at a high-end restaurant, like at a French place where you’d have those fancy stuffed potatoes or something.

I also have a sort of “reprieve” on possibly having to move( which I don’t want to do, it’s always such a hassle, plus I’m settled here and this is my home and I don’t want to move) as well as the other day my mother declared, Well, at this point if we’re even going to move it won’t be until at least the spring now; no one wants to move over the winter! (Last time we did move in winter but it wasn’t by choice; we had to flee and it just happened to be in winter)So it looks like we’ll be having Christmas still here afterall then and I’m “safe” at least for a few more months I can relax and not have to worry about it. My hubby is also selling all his remote control toys( cars, motorcycles, other electronic gadgets that I’ve bought him as gifts over the decades for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day,etc.) online, saying he’s downsizing, getting ready to move, and de-clutter but to me it’s “fishy” as giving away or selling your personal pocessions and things can be an indication that you’re planning on committing suicide,too, so I asked him and he just gave me this incredulous look and a  condescending look of disdain and like he thinks I’m the dumbest person on Earth like he always does whenever I say, ask, or do anything he thinks is “dumb’ and he said it wasn’t, but who knows, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of anything I gave him, and that reminds him of me, and of us, esp. since we’ve moved something like 3 times before and he’s always taken all his stuff with him, incl. all his “Man Toys” so it just made me wonder.

My mother also was yelling at poor Buddy and body shamed him for farting ( even though it’s just a body function and we all do it!) saying it reeked and made him feel so ashamed, so guilty, so badly, and he thought he was being bad and in trouble, that he hid under the couch and was sulking, the poor old dog! I felt so badly for him and I had to coax him out. One of my friends said the next time she farts I should yell at her and my friend T (in Ottawa) said overall with the nasty way she treats me and interferes with my raising and disciplining my kids that I should send her to a home.  😀  I accidently gave Buddy my hubby’s left-over food as well; he’d left some ground beef on a plate on the table after he’d eaten and just left it there, indicating he was finished but didn’t clean up his plate or put it away and so I figured he was finished and I didn’t want it to get thrown out( because we can’t afford to waste food) so I gave it to the dog….and then later on he comes back and goes, Where’s my food? and I’m like, Uh….uh,oh…You don’t mean the plate you left on the diningroom table, do you? and when he said it was I told him, Well…..there’s still some left if you want it…..I  thought you were done and gave it to the dog….it’s on the floor….   ha,ha…

On Sunday my hubby wasn’t here either to drive me to church and it was really raining and I had to walk in the rain and I got soaked( and no, I don’t have an umbrella) and I was wearing this gauze blouse and skirt from India with bright black and red colours on a tan background on it and the black dye ran in the rain and it ran all down my legs and had this really gross musty smell, sort of like a damp basement, and later this month my oldest turns 29 as well and I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since I spread my legs and launched him into this world(and then that I still shat 10 more others out of my womb after,too!)! It just seems like not too long ago that he was just a baby, and when I was prego with him, and now it makes me feel really old.

Angry.

Screenshot_469 This is what the scrape on my knee looks like from when I fell up the stairs. Angry, nasty-looking thing, huh?I think it must be getting infected( despite cleaning and disinfecting it and keep ing a Band-Aid over it several times a day) as it looks angry, red, and oozing, and it hurts quite alot actually, esp. considering it’s just a scrape, but it’s actually very sore and quite tender, even not having to touch it,and when I turn in bed at night or when my pants even just rub against it, it really hurts. It looks like a a few good layers got torn off. With my virus or whatever reason I’m so run-down tired lately as well it feels like I’m fading away and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled.When I sit down it also feels like I’m sitting on something,too and it hurts a bit, almost like there’s something inside, pressing on either my tail-bone or arse….it’s so weird….maybe that’s why my lower back hurts so much lately? I wonder if I might even have a prolapsed uterus or something?

In Mass yesterday as well I felt like I might pass out a couple of times, and as  people were talking around me I could hear the voices swirling around in my head like I do just before I faint and it was a  close one and  as I stood in line for Communion I literally had to talk myself into keeping it together as well when I could feel a panic attack rising. I had to keep repeating over and over in my head, Just keep walking, just keep following the lady in front of you. No one can tell. Just breathe. I had to keep talking myself thru it. There was this one old guy too that kept staring at me I presume because of my hair and I felt like going up to him and saying Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare; that it’s rude?

It was also a freezing 5 C when I got up and for Buddy’s walk he had to wear a sweater and I had to wear a knit hat, esp. with hardly any hair, and my hubby was spying at my computer  again and he goes, Oh, you’re going to Jamaica? as I had vacation info up on my screen, and I told him, No, I wish, but I can still dream!  I told the 11 YR old as well Americans are nice people, they just have a shitty President,  and he said, What about all the shootings? and I told him, Those are the bad ones, and there’s bad people everywhere you go; the good ones are the ones trying to get rid of the guns!

Screenshot_471 I also noticed that the stalk of one of my sunflowers in the vase on the coffee table was bent and it was falling over; my guess is that one of kids was fooling around and broke it, and it was starting to die and it can no longer absorb water, so I just cut it and all the others down shorter and now it looks like this (seen in the photo here) which turned out nice, so instead of getting me mad which was probably their likely intention, it worked out nice, so ha, ha! The lyrics in that song from The Cure also remind me of my BFF: You make me feel young again, you make you feel whole again, you make you feel fun again, you make me feel home again .Whenever she and I get together it makes me feel like we’re kids again, just like old times, when I was the Old Me, the one that was happy, the one that I lost and wish I could get back again.

My mother also walked into the rec-room and spying all the boxes packed and piled up on the shelves she asked, What’s all this? and I told her how my hubby’s so sure that we’re moving, he’s got it in his head and convinced himself that we are so he’s packing stuff already, but we’ll never be able to de-clutter,anyway; in our house clutter is LIFE, even though we likely won’t because we can’t afford it and it seems now even the 15 YR old has regisned herself to that fact and even said as much the other day, woefully admitting, We’ll probably never move….yup, probably not.

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All packed and nowhere to go.

Gaaaccckk!!!

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I saw THIS on the sidewalk this morning, and it wasn’t alone; it had friends! An orange maple leaf….it’s changed colour, it’s dead….it’s…..almost fall! Summer’s almost over!!! My heart just sank and I let out a sad sorrowful sigh of resignation at the thought . I just wanted to scream. I’m not ready yet. I’m just not ready.refuse. I’m not ready for summer to end and I refuse to allow it to be fall already. It’s too soon. It’s not time yet. I’m not ready for summer to be over. I won’t give in. I just won’t.

The kids also pulled yet another prank on me: my hubby told me that he thought we’d caught something overnight in the rat trap we had set out so I went over to look, even though I had doubts as it wasn’t making a racket or moving around , and I found…. a fake rubber rat! The kids had put it in there as a joke. Ha,ha, very funny. Actually, it’s funnier than you think: when I was around 12 I did a similar prank on my mother: I glued hair onto a squeaky rubber rat and hid it somewhere in the dark and it freaked her out. Where do my kids think they get their pranking genes from?  😀  Speaking of which, both the 17 YR old and I heard Buddy let out a loud yelp, as if something may have bitten him, or maybe he stepped on something or got poked by something, but we both did hear it, so I know that I wasn’t hallucinating.At least not this time.

The plumber had to come as well as something was leaking under the sink and where it connects to the dishwasher. I never even knew the dishwasher was connected to the sink….I know…where do you think it gets the water from?…. I know….I know…. I’m dumb…..I just never thought about it…. it turned out to be just a simple loose clamp or something that needed to be tightened and I would have thought my hubby could have done that himself( shit, even I probably could have myself and I’m the least technical and least mechanical person on Earth!) but he said he didn’t have the right tool for it.

My mother commented too about my love for clawfoot tubs, Maybe we’ll find a place(another house if we move) that has a clawfoot tub! so sometimes she does consider moving but not too often as realistically we just can’t afford it and we wouldn’t be likely to sell this house,either as houses in order to be “staged”, shown and sold for a good price have to always be so pristine, so clean, so perfect, and we’re just so, not! We’re messy, sloppy disorganized pigs with mess, junk, clutter, and crap all over the place and we could never clean it up to those  ridiculously unrealistic expectations( I mean, we have a large family! When you have kids you have clutter, crap and mess!) we’re the total opposite and even no matter how hard we clean it will still never pass inspection!

I had a dream as well I heard a voice speak to me, It breaks easily for such a big heart. talking about me, and when I questioned how I have a big heart, esp. with my family always saying what a horrible, awful person I am, it replied because of  how deeply I feel for other people, how I can empathize and care so much,even for complete strangers,such as those on my Prayer List, carrying other people’s pain and sorrow, bearing their burdens as my own,feeling other people’s pain and having such profound sympathy, grief and loss as if it was my own self, and praying for them; as it showes great love.

Two Words.

Screenshot_18 I overheard the kids playing this game where they had to try and describe each family member using only 2 words and then they had to try and guess who it was. The 2 words they used to describe me were weed and sleeping. (I would have said hippos and sunflowers but whatever) and for my mother they said angry and old lady. I figure I got off pretty easy though; I was practically cringing and on edge waiting, wondering what horrible description they would probably come up with for me but it wasn’t so bad. My mother also told me once marijuana becomes legal for everyone in October that it’s probably not a good idea for me to try and grow my own since I can’t even grow sunflowers and that comment and realization made me feel like such a failure. I wonder, is there anything I can do right?

As well, my hubby is so set on moving and so convinced we will and every time I tell him it’s not likely as we can’t afford it and my mother said we’re only going to sell if we can get more selling this house than we pay for the next one, as well as to cover moving costs which doesn’t seem too likely and he replies that the story keeps on changing depending who he talks to; that she tells me one story and tells him another, so I talked to her and to him explaining the situation, trying to get it all straight and she told me and then later repeated to him(in front of me) so it’s all clear and he can understand that no, we can’t afford it, and no, she’s not taking out any more loans, and yes, she is still in debt, and is still paying off a loan she pays 200$ a month to, and we did used to have $$$$$ before but we don’t now and we’re only going to sell this house and move if we can downsize and save $$$$$ NOT if it’s going to cost more $$$$$, esp. $$$$ that we don’t have. For some reason he seems to have a problem understanding this. He either doesn’t seem to realize, or refuses to accept(and is in denial) how bad our financial situation really is.

We also had a good storm during the night that woke me up at 2:30 with the loud thunder and lightening.Now I know why I had that massive headache. Poor Buddy was freaking out and he was trembling and shaking and whining, the poor dog. I like a good thunderstorm at night when I’m in bed though, all curled up under the covers.

The Intruder.

Screenshot_1190 I noticed that Buddy’s food, which had been left out overnight( while he was in my room during the night, in bed asleep and not even downstairs all night) had disappeared. Something had eaten it. This made me suspicious that we had something in the house. Some kind of wild animal that must have snuck inside somehow one time when one of the doors was open. It must have quickly ran in unnoticed. I’ve also noticed that his kibble had been quickly disappearing lately as well….and then it hit me: we have something in the house!

It all added up: Buddy’s odd behaviour lately: the missing food, why Buddy’s appeared to be so anxious,nervous,stressed, and bothered recently, why going for a walk around the side of the house he sniffs a trail intently and then will now only go part way for the past while and then stop at the bush,look up at me with intense, sad eyes and refuse to proceed any further, as if there’s this invisible wall there he won’t cross, and he pulls on the leash and runs the other direction, signalling for me to turn back, as if warning me there’s something bad there, and why he’s always acting so hungry and losing weight( I’d assumed his food was gone he was eating, but maybe not; maybe something else was stealing his food all along and he wasn’t getting any) and eating everything he can find off the floor and “telling” me he needs more to eat, and also what bit his tail…and maybe also what happened to his eye….maybe he got scratched or something…and why I hear the odd thump or yelp from him and he hides in fear under my bed or the couch…..he was trying all along to tell me…

We had an intruder. He was under siege, having his food raided, and being attacked in his own home.

and I was right.

At first I thought it was just my paranoia, or just my suspicious nature or hallucinating again, but I was right. I suspected most likely a cat or a raccoon, although it could have been a skunk, fox, coyote, or anything. Then, as I was opening up the back door to let Buddy in from the yard I saw from behind me this cat quickly dart by and run from the kitchen, from inside our house, out the back door! It was so fast, in a flash, but I saw it; it was mainly black with some copper colouring on it,and it looked pretty big too! I’m just glad it ran out of the house, and hopefully now it won’t come back in, and we’ll have to be extra watchful and careful now that we don’t leave any of the doors open and that when we do open the door, even to just do going in or out or even to just quickly look for mail, that we look and make sure nothing quickly sneaks in again! The 15 YR old jokes that the intruder is some homeless guy but why would a person bite Buddy’s tail or eat his food off a plate on the floor when he would much prefer to just raid our fridge?

I also had a dream we move in October, which would give me one last summer to enjoy in my backyard( seen from the view here from the porch swing). I love how over-grown the trees etc. are. it makes it feel so secluded, private,and cut off from the rest of the world; my own private, hidden oasis, like I’m contained safe in my own little cocoon hidden away in my little safe corner of the world, safe from the outside, and I like it in my own little world. It’s peaceful, safe, spiritual, and where I can escape to, to be free and just float away, lost in my own imagination. I really love sitting out in my backyard. It’s my fave. place in the house and my sanctuary and private, special place. I’m really going to miss it if we move.  😦

The Wrong Tree.

Screenshot_1183  I was outside and I saw 2 squirrels sitting in a tree, a black squirrel and a grey one and the grey one I didn’t even notice at first as he almost blended in completely with the tree; he was camoflauged, but the black squirrel stuck out and was really noticable and I remember saying to myself how he doesn’t blend in…. and then I thought about it for a minute and then re-phrased it, He’s just in the wrong tree.It’s not that he doesn’t blend in. In the right tree he’d blend in. If the tree had dark brown bark instead of grey-ish he would have been hidden. It got me thinking: it all depends on how you look at it,and it also reminded me that I’m like that squirrel in life.(and my tree would be a rose-gold glittery palm tree.)

I have never blended in, been the same as other people,don’t fit in, and have always stood out, been different, been an outcast, the odd one out, the one that doesn’t belong, the one that doesn’t blend in and I always thought it was me but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me( other than the obvious, that is) maybe I’m just in the wrong tree? I just have to find the right people, the right group, my Clan, my Tribe, my People, my fit, my niche, my Home, my team, my squad, my comrades, my place where they’re the same as me and we can all relate….like how I did at the YMCA group in Ottawa in the late 80’s, the only time I ever felt accepted, welcomed, part of the group, fit in, liked, and belonged. I found it once, maybe I can find it again? I just have to find other fellow-minded people that are also shiny, glittery, off-beat,crazy-ass,free spirit, sunflower, hippo people like me….

Screenshot_1185 My cut sunflowers have also opened up, and I was outside with Buddy and heard a gunshot so we came inside and Buddy just bolted up and ran in like a bat out of hell, and I knew it was a gunshot too and not fireworks as there was just the one bang! and no echo, unlike fireworks which always come with an echo, more like a boom! boom! My hubby in cleaning and packing up prepping to move is also throwing out lots of stuff, incl. other people’s things and he doesn’t even look and check or ask to see if they even want it thrown out or if they want to keep it; he just chucks it out,and I’ve rescued a few things from the garbage and I tell him not everything has to be thrown out and we are allowed to keep some things,and he kept tossing out the Shel Silverstein books I love too and I had to keep fishing them out for garbage and I finally just ended up hiding them. Books should never be thrown out( or burned) though but always kept or donated so that someone will always be able to love and enjoy them.

Screenshot_1186 This is also my sad pathetic, wilted and last sunflower, on it’s last legs yet I still won’t give up on it. I’m determined to “resurrect” it and have it perk up. I still faithfully keep watering it and every day I go outside I bring it out with me and sit it in the sun and then bring it back inside later in the day so the squirrels and raccoons won’t ruin it. I keep putting hope, love, time, and effort into it hoping eventually it will pay off and I’ll eventually get a nice sunflower in the end, despite all the set- backs. It reminds me of me and my life. I could be that sunflower: despite all the set-backs,hardships, teetering on the edge. losing hope, trials and barely holding on, some days it looks like it’s starting to perk up and other days it’s almost dead, and even on days it’s looking particularly haggard , wilted,and weary it still holds on, endures, survives,and lives on, and with hope and care, maybe it can make it one day? Just like me. We just need time,love,care,hope, and the right conditions to blossom.  Sometimes though, despite our best efforts trying to hold on, the outside environment is just too hostile and we can’t withstand the storm or survive the elements and we wither away and die.

I also notice as well that I’m increasingly having trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination/ fantasy and being able to tell if something’s real or not or if I just imagined it, dreamed it, or if it was a hallucination, and my hallucinations are increasing in frequency as as well, both visual and auditory, and the paranoia is getting worse as well, as well as increasing anxiety and it’s hard struggling when you can’t even trust your own mind and you can feel yourself losing your grip on reality and spiraling down the slippery slope of insanity being lost in the haze of mental illness, feeling it carrying you off, helpless to escape it and I don’t know if it’s due to my white matter deterioration or just my Asperger’s, bipolar,and depression, or maybe some of each?

Both my mother and I have such bad memories and are so forgetful as well we’re like a TV comedy sitcom about senile old folks. I hadn’t remembered if she’d put the suntan oil on my back or not( I can’t reach back there myself and need a hand) so I asked her if she did it yet or not and she didn’t remember either and goes, I must have done it…..don’t you remember? and then I told her, I don’t remember….and if you did do it, don’t you remember doing it? and she said she didn’t remember,either, and then I reasoned, Well, is my back all shiny? If it is, then the oil’s been put on, so she looked and said it was,and the tanning oil had been put back in the cupboard, so I guess she did. We have days like this, moments like this, and conversations like this all the time. I think I’m losing my mind.