I Remember.

Screenshot_675 I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683 Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676 In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677 The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679 Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.


Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM The 10 YR old was playing Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.




Screen Shot 11-06-17 at 08.14 AM My hubby got quite  a surprise when we went to pour himself a bowl of cereal: there was a live mouse in the cereal box, as you can see here if you look closely. I know it’s hard to see in the photo but you’re looking down, into the cereal box from the top, and the mouse is the dark thing in the top upper left corner.You can see his pointy nose and head sticking out. He announced his find to me like this: We have to get mouse traps again! and when I asked How do you know? he showed me! When it gets cold for the winter the field mice start to come indoors to keep warm and we get them in our kitchen cupboards and find them, or evidence of them( such as chew marks or their little shitties) usually nibbling on our cereal boxes or Pop Tarts in our house every winter. In the summer it’s ants. The pests tend to be seasonal but the kids are all-year long.

The 14 YR old also said that she has a baby bat in her room, and when my mother and I were watching the news and when the redneck sports came on and she groaned, Oh, not this again! and told me to Just turn it off and put the time back on! and the 14 YR old heard and said, But I thought you (said) you liked sports? but in actual reality she doesn’t any more than I do; we both think it’s a meaningless waste of time and low-class and we mute it when it comes on the news; she just tells my hubby what he wants to hear when he said she doesn’t mind it and she didn’t deny it even though she actually hates it and the 2 of them always stick together and back eachother up,no matter what, like a couple of villians always scheming, plotting and teaming up together all the time.

Funny as well: the eating disorders clinic tells us how we have to increase fats in the 14 YR old’s diet such as by adding butter and sour cream even if I have to sneak it in and hide it in food,making her paranoid now and she hates, so when she went to eat out at a restaurant and a waitress asked (I presume for the potato) if they wanted butter or sour cream with that she was horrified and she goes, What, are they trying to force it onto everyone now? and she said the story of my little toy zebra makes her cry as well which I found touching and reveals her tender side; it’s about how when I was in Kindergarden I lost my little toy zebra in the snow one day walking to school and every day I would keep looking for it on the way to school, hoping I would find it and even once spring came, after the snow had melted I still kept looking, hoping that one day I would still find it but I never did. I still remember it though. It’s weird some things you never forget.

Our scale is broken so there’s no way to know for sure but by the way I look and feel now I would guess I have gained back 10 pounds probably of the over-50 pounds I’d lost over the past few months without trying either way. The only difference was having the colon polyp removed. I just hope that the rest of the weight doesn’t also come back though as it’s nice being, well, I wouldn’t say thin again, but not fat anymore,either, and I’d like to stay this way, yet at the same time once I gained back a bit of the weight I could actually feel different, it felt more like me, like my I had almost lost my cover, my shell, my protective layer, my insulation, and once a bit of it came back I felt like I was back in my own “skin” again so to speak. I looked and felt more like myself.



The Furnace.

Screen Shot 08-27-17 at 08.36 AM I still remember when I was a kid I was scared of the furnace at my grandparents’ house. It was similar to the one in the photo seen here. It was big and loud and scary. It rumbled and shook and made scary noises and it scared the shit out of me. It was like some sort of scary monster and I was scared to go down to the basement afraid that it would come to life and eat me. I wouldn’t even go down to the basement unless there was an adult with me I was so scared of the noisy terrifying furnace. It smelled bad too and I was convinced that it was out to get me. I even had nightmares about it. For some reason though I wasn’t afraid of the furnaces at my aunts and uncles houses, just at my grandparents. I guess they just had regular furnaces, not the scary kind. It makes me laugh now to remember it, and it’s funny the things you can still remember from your childhood.

I also remember the Lava Game where you place pillows on the floor and you have to hop from pillow to pillow and can’t touch the floor otherwise you fall in lava. My own kids play that same game,too, so it must be some sort of universal kid thing. I also thought I had rabid dogs living under my bed( a fear I developed because I actually really did see 2 rabid dogs in the school yard fighting during recess one day and there was blood all over the snow and it was scary and they called us to get back into the school early) and I had to turn the light off at one end of my room and quickly make a run for it and take a flying leap and jump into my bed from across the room and not stand next to it or else they’d grab me by my ankles and pull me under the bed. I also had an unusual fear of earthquakes and quicksand, likely from movies I’d seen. It’s funny the things that play on your mind and scare you when you’re a kid.

As well, a Facebook friend who lives in Texas got her house badly flooded with the hurricane and they lost everything; the water was as high as the toilet and it was everywhere and they got evacuated, and my hubby said he could finally drive me to church(after having to walk for the past 2 months but I still get tired and out of breath and prefer a ride if I can get one and don’t want to walk if I don’t have to) but then of course just before it was time for me to go he conveniently had to go out somewhere and left so I had to end up walking afterall, and he never even came to pick me up afterwards either, using the excuse he was going to, but I came home before he could…..yeah….right… we also had a guest priest this week and he had this nice French accent and even did part of the Mass in French which was kind of cool, and I realized too when I prayed to God to send me someone to show me love, compassion and kindness and to show me I’m worth loving that He already did: Jesus and Buddy! The 22 YR old also says it was a “waste” of $$$$ the oldest kids’ university degrees as their jobs have nothing to do with their degrees or the field they studied in but I don’t think that education is ever a waste.

The Laneway.

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This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty.

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 07.54 AM Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. That’s me! It was my alter ego I invented when I was a kid. She was a grown-up version of me and she was beautiful, strong, brave, confident,independent, courageous, lived in a castle and was married to a handsome prince, you know, the typical little girl fantasy. I don’t know where I got the Peacock Dynasty part from, I guess it just fell out of my imagination, maybe because peacocks are so pretty, perhaps? I would go into my head and become this character whenever I was sad or lonely, or when I felt afraid, self-conscious, vulnerable, bullied, etc. as it gave me the inner strength, afterall I was the Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty, I could do anything and I was strong and brave and fearless and nothing could stop me  and I was destined for great things. I was no ordinary kid. I was special. I was chosen. I was different than everyone else. I was a princess. Even sometimes now I still need to remind myself that I am Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. I still need that reminder, that ego boost, to get thru. It makes me laugh to think about it now, but who knows…..it might just still work. In any case, it will lighten my mood when the days are dark.

As well, at the clinic yesterday the NP said it was a good call putting the 14 YR old on the Prozac, which was my idea all along, right from the beginning,and I had to practically twist their arm to finally get done, but she said she can see the difference it’s making too and it was a good idea to get her on it( yes, I know, and I’m just glad she’s starting to feel better) but she’s lost a bit of weight, likely due to all her physical activity lately( swimming, biking, walking) and she’s grown taller too so now her ideal weight has changed so now she’s 8 pounds underweight and we have to add stuff to her meals and increase her portions to get her weight up, since she had been gaining but now she’s more levelling off,and the therapist wasn’t there this week so no family therapy so I wasn’t stressed out and didn’t feel singled-out, ganged-up on, attacked, or blamed this week so I got a bit of a break! Yay!

I also saw some hollyhocks which I haven’t seen around in years and it brought back happy memories of my childhood, when I used to see them everywhere all the time, and I saw signs of fall already,too, even though it’s still the middle of August and summer’s not over yet: I saw a Monarch butterfly and some leaves turning orange! I’m feeling really sweaty again as well but I can’t tell if it’s just the hot weather or if it’s hot flashes with menopause,and whenever I ask if it’s anyone else or just me my mother always says it’s just me(even if it isn’t) because she’s too cheap and doesn’t want me to put the A/C on!!

I also think the guy across the street (who’s a highschool teacher) has hostages in his basement. He just seems to be this weird, solitary guy that keeps to himself and he lives all alone in that big brick house and never has any company and he never talks to anybody; he doesn’t even wave hi to any of the neighbours, and no one knows anything about him, and he’s super nerdy wearing a belt with suspenders and he’s balding and has glasses….just seems to be a really creepy guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did keep hostages down in his basement, you know, like on those CSI or Criminal Minds TV shows. It wouldn’t surprise me one day if police vans and the SWAT team swarm the place and arrest him and it’s all over the news how he’s kept people prisoner in his house all these years……either that or I watch too many crime shows on TV….  😀

My Aunt.

Screen Shot 03-26-17 at 08.02 AM I was doing a Google search for some hippo images and for some reason this picture showed up, of decorative antique glass shoes and I got this flashback of a long-forgotten memory and I was instantly transported back to my childhood: it reminded me of my fave. aunt as she had a collection of these exact same things(as well as the cranberry glass collection, which I also collect, among other things) and so many happy childhood memories just came flooding back. It’s amazing how one picture can spark a memory and remind you of so much and bring up such warm feelings.

My mother and I used to visit my aunt and cousins twice a YR when I was younger; during the summer and at Christmas. We lived in Toronto and they lived in North York but when you take transit to get there it was quite a long trip. She was my fave. aunt and I always enjoyed visiting them and I can still clearly remember every single detail of their house. We even lived with them for awhile when my parents first split up.I remember it was her that first introduced me to yogurt, buttermilk and cottage cheese, and who taught me to  rub  cucumber slices on my face, and I have fond memories of climbing the tree in their front yard with my cousin and going to the corner store with her, and of her older sister putting pearly pink nail polish on me and how fascinated I was watching her putting on her make-up( she looked like a model) and the time she took me to the Yorkdale mall near their house and bought me a baton. The last time I saw them I was 13 and we just sort of lost touch, for some unknown reason they just stopped all contact with us, and I never did find out why, and I even sent them letters but never got any reply. I still really miss them and wonder how they’ve been over all the YRS.

As well, I said this prayer to God to let me know if I’m going to die soon to send me a sign: that I’ll hear Stairway To Heaven 3 days in a row, and not only did I hear it 3 days in a row…..I heard it 4 days in a row ( twice on the radio and twice randomly on my iPod) and my mother says because it was 4 days and not 3 that it “cancels” it out, but I take it to mean that it’s extra reassurance affirmingwill die soon, just in case it wasn’t clear the first time, but time will tell, and we’ll see…She also threatened to kick Buddy when he tried to sneak down to the basement and I told her if she kicks him I’ll kick her and then she huffs she’ll kick me back and I told her then I’ll kick her again; she’s not abusing my dog! She goes, “How else do you get him to behave?” and I told her, “You just tell him off; he knows when he’s bad,you don’t kick him!” She’s just so mean!!

I also had this intense dream that I was an angel in Heaven and that I came down to Earth to live a miserable, unhappy life full of challenges, trauma, crisis, trials, and misfortune to test my faith and loyalty to God and my bad luck and struggles aren’t a punishment but ,like the man in the Bible born blind, so that God’s works can be revealed, and I have to prove I can still stay loyal to God and my faith despite a life of adversity and return Home, and that’s why I’ve always been so spiritual, had a strong faith and love of God, fervently prayed for others, and sense of justice, peace,and non-violence, and also why I’ve never had love, gotten too close to anyone for too long, and am distant from my family; I’m not to have strong Earthly connections so I won’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind when I go back Home. It was very insightful and interesting! Wouldn’t it be amazing though it that really was my purpose and meaning in life?