Oncology Appointment.

 Our 14 YR old had his annual check up at the oncologist’s yesterday to make sure his leukemia hasn’t returned(it’s been 7 YRS since diagnosis and 5 YRS since treatment ended) and even though we have no reason to actually suspect he’s relapsed I’m still  always nervous for the app’t until I know everything is ok.It went well and the doc noticed his abs and asked if he’s been working out.(He’s been doing the “Insanity” daily exercise regimen with my hubby and the other kids) and he passed his physical exam but the blood test results won’t be available until TODAY(they said they’ll phone us) so we still don’t know for sure and still don’t have that total reassurance yet that everything’s ok as it’s the blood work that’s the real indicator. I swear people are so half-assed! It only TAKES an HOUR for the results to come back from the lab so WHY the hell won’t they have them for a DAY, or at the very least could have had them later that same day, esp. since his app’t was in the morning? As well, I read a blog and the kid saw the specialist and is already scheduled for surgery next WEEK but here it takes MONTHS to be booked for surgery; when I had my gallbladder and it was inflamed (and as it turned out on the verge of rupture) I had to wait 3-4 months until I got my surgery! My hubby’s excuse(he’s always excusing the incompetency of this country) is that because in USA they pay so they get fast service…..except how does he explain my referral to the plastic surgeon for my boob reduction(as my big boobs affect my quality of life)..it’s been 2 months already and I still haven’t even heard back about my app’t yet, yet alone seen the doctor or have a surgery date, which my doc told me typically will take about 9 months after I see the surgeon….

As well, My hubby sneered I should just “get ‘over’ ” my Social Phobia and compared it to a character weakness, like trying to quit smoking, but he has no idea; it doesn’t work that way and it’s like telling a diabetic to just “get over” being diabetic; it’s a medical problem and to insinuate that is very hurtful,insensitive, and insulting. I told HIM, “So why don’t YOU just get over YOUR MPD then,TOO?” and his excuse is,”But it doesn’t bother me!” and I replied,”Well, it bothers the REST of us!” and he snorts I’m religious but a “hypocrite”(yet failed to explain,likely as he has no case) but what can HE say when HE doesn’t even take Communion and hasn’t even been to Confession in over 35 YRS,and at least I TRY,and so far we caught 26 mice in the traps in our kitchen cupboard and I found out my abusive babysitter(when I was around age 7) who used to hit, punch,and kick me, made me deeply inhale a cigarette so I choked and then she’d laugh,threw me in the deep end and  tried to drown me in the pool, and threw me off the couch so I’d bounce off and hit the floor, etc. who’s 8 YRS older than me now has 10 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild( the wonders of Facebook!)I sure hope she’s nicer to them than she was to me!

My mother also snickered with our financial situation I won’t be able to get my surgery now and I told her, “Yes, as I’ve already saved up for it; just like how YOU’VE already paid for YOUR trip this YR, just no more for anything else from now on” and then she shut up, and I worry if we’re forced to move that if the new house is so much smaller that we won’t have enough room for all our furniture, like in the livingroom; now we have 2 sofas, 5 chairs, piano, Grandfather clock, TV, lamps, 3 tables, etc. and cramming all the kids into 2 bedrooms it’ll be even more cluttered than it already is at this house,we likely won’t have a pool or central A/C like we have now either so it’ll be sweltering in the summer, and I really resent that the one responsible for threatening me and possibly forcing us to move(to flee their persecution) decides our fate(whether we move or not, depending on whether it escalates or blows over) and that our lives are in their hands and it’s not right,and the dark circles under my eyes are so bad it looks like bruises, like I have black eyes,and in the news it said this country is wary of a Chinese telecommunications company investing here as they’re worried they’ll use it for espionage…..geez, xenophobia and paranoia at it’s “finest!”

“Multiple Stones….”

 Yesterday I saw the surgeon for my follow-up app.t.He’s a “hunk” too so that was my “thrill” for the day,and he said my incisions healed well, and the pathology report on my gallbladder was that it was “inflamed” and “had multiple stones in varying sizes from 2-7 mm.” So it wasn’t just a few stones and being inflamed it would have ruptured so it’s good I did have it removed! I also asked him about a referral to a plastic surgeon to have a boob reduction and he said I likely won’t need a referral; to just call and book an app’t and that one has a waiting list 4 YRS long! Geez….I was thinking just a few MONTHS….

It was also 34 C and felt like 44 C and we were in the pool all day and in this country as well as in others there are problems with either severe drought,floods, mudslides, or wildfires,  and it was even TOO hot to suntan yesterday(as stupid as that sounds) and the air was so humid and “thick” it was hard to breathe, I want to get another tattoo( “Om” in-betwen my shoulder blades) and my hubby said I “have ‘enough’ tattoos” and sneers with my Social Phobia not being able to talk on the phone is “just a convenient excuse to not do something I don’t want to do” but why would I NOT want to talk on the phone? It impairs my life to not be able to, so why would I purposely do it or choose it? He has NO IDEA what it’s like! I also got a new Acer black computer monitor and it’s much thinner, flatter, wider, brighter and has much clearer colour than my old one did!

I also eat raw hemp hearts, chia seeds and cocoa nibs which are high in fiber, protein and energy and my hubby jokes I’ll plant the hemp and grow  cannibis plants and that if I had to take a drug test it would show up positive for marijuana, and my cousins, aunt and uncle are going on a European cruise in Sept. (they go twice a YR) and one of my cousins is even paying not only for himself but for his 2 nieces and their combined 5 kids as well, easily costing over 25 000$! He’s a stockbroker and now works online catching people doing money laundering.I guess it must pay REALLY well….In Toronto there was a shooting at a neighbourhood BBQ as well  which was gang related and 25 people were shot and 2 were killed, incl. a 14 YR old girl and this reminds me of WHY we left in the first place: too much crime and it only keeps getting worse. The 9 YR old feels sick as well: really pale, bad headache and upset stomach so maybe sunstroke or perhaps a virus? Poor kid.

UPDATE:

She just barfed. 😦

No More Diaries.

 I have been writing in a daily diary now ever since 1980 when  I  was 13 and got a diary in my Christmas stocking. The problem now is  no one makes them anymore or sells them, with everything being on computers nowadays so I have been unable to find any more after this YR’s is done. The company that makes the ones I’ve been using no longer makes them and no stores sell them and I couldn’t even find any online to order. I’ll have to end up getting books with lined pages that I’ll just have to put in the dates and make my diary myself. The one I have now(my last one) has each day pre-dated and it has a lock. It is sadly the last of it’s breed and has now become extinct. This saddens me and my diaries are the kids’ legacy; I have everything written down and recorded preserving memories both good and bad, so that later when I’m dead and they inherit them they will have a written record of their history where nothing has been forgotten.

As well, it’s supposed to get up to 35 C today and feel like 44 C and my hubby said he’ll return and exchange the new a/c and it makes me feel badly as it’ll be rejected and unwanted like I am so I told him it’s good enough, and my mother and I were sitting outside on our front porch when these girls walked by and they kept staring at my bald head so my mother yelled out to them,”See what happens when you dye your hair?” and they just looked horrified, and what I was thinking was, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer!” Even in this oppressive heat the 16 YR old still wears heavy long sleeved hoodies and such(I wonder if she’s cutting her arms and is hiding it?) and in the summer the kids don’t need to have baths either as they’re in the pool all day, and the water now is 82 F which’s the warmest it’s ever been!

The 11 YR old also has sewing and quilting camp this week and her and the 9 YR old dressed up in funny costumes and wigs and went dancing down the street and I remember childhood being such a fun time and you can look and  be as outrageous as you want in public without a care in the world ,just having carefree fun,despite if people laugh at you and you don’t care what people think,and I see the surgeon for my follow-up app’t today as well and the kids were wondering if he still has my gallbladder that I can bring home and keep in a jar…..yeeeeccchh! My hubby makes me flash him my boobs whenever he does something for me too and it occurred to me am I sort of “prostituting” myself?

Hawaiian Tropic.

I love the smell of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. It smells like coconuts and reminds me of when I was 13 and in the summer my friends and I used to hop on the streetcar and go to the local Greenwood pool and suntan and swim. I used it then and still use it now, as well as my “magic formula” of baby oil mixed with iodine. I have fond memories of that time, esp. as most of it was marked with the scars of bullying so it made me cherish and remember the happy times(such as this) even more. I also remember how I was pissed that my friends always  got deeper darker, quicker tans than I did, but they were Asian and already had a head-start on me on having darker skin to begin with,anyway! 🙂

I still have pain where my gallbladder was as well(even though the incisions have all healed up) almost as if the gallbladder’s still there, and I wonder if it’s maybe “phantom” pain, or perhaps a stone somehow got left behind and stuck in a duct, or maybe just something’s still sore, bruised, or twisted from the surgery 13 days ago? I also found out my aunt had gallbladder CANCER and it spread to her bile ducts and eventually liver, and that’s what killed her, and I now wonder if  she had  had hers out (like the other 5 of us did) then it wouldn’t have happened and now wonder if now since we have had ours out that it prevents it,and had we hadn’t that we might have ended up with gallbladder cancer,too? My friend from grade 6’s mother also died of cancer the other day as well.So sad.

The 5 YR old also continues to be holy awful: he asked the 9 YR old to get him a freezie and when she did he tried to slam the freezer door down on her head and he tried to push her down the stairs too,and he bit, hit,kicked,and pinched her, and when scolded he threw a chair at me! He likes to wear his shirts on backwards and his shoes on the wrong feet as wel and said he “has a geocache in his ear.” I seriously think he’s disturbed. I scooped a dead chipmunk out of the pool skimmer as well but was also able to rescue another one in time  that had fallen in.

I heard former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak had a stroke and is in critical condition and on life support and I don’t know for sure what kind of person he is on the inside(who am I to know or say?) but I still pray for him  anyway because he’s still a person, and asshole Canada smugly refuses to help “bail” Europe out of it’s financial crisis and said it’s “not their problem”(serves them right later when Europe rebounds and it eventually WILL, and remembers that they weren’t there to help them when they needed it and then refuse to trade with them) and here there are cameras in the airports already that spy on people but now they ALSO want to install listening devices too to spy on people’s conversations,and just when I think this country can’t POSSIBLY suck any MORE than it already does it somehow manages to find a way, and many foster homes in the Child Welfare system have been exposed in the media  for rampant abuse, incl. sex cults and sex rings, with kids being ,molested,and we always knew they’re evil but now everyone else will, too, and my cousin said about Child Welfare that “they snoop around alot”,and a family fled this country and moved to Jamaica as well, telling people that, “The gov’t takes your kids away in Canada.” That about says it all. This country SUCKS and is NOT the “free” democracy that it wants people to think but becoming a fascist Police State more and more all the time!!

My Unexpected Adventure.

 Originally my plans for yesterday were to lay out in the sun and tan and to spy on the half-naked and tanned  pool guys with their shirts off….but alas, my body had ANOTHER idea! Instead, I ended up spending 6 HRS in the ER as from 1 am I woke up with this severe god-awful pain(worse than my gallstone attacks ever were!) under my right ribs and it felt like a “knot” underneath and it hurt so bad I couldn’t even move or call for help; I was frozen in pain. I was also coughing and short of breath and every breath hurt, esp. the deep ones. I was worried it was a blood clot in my lung which CAN happen following surgery.

I got seen right away(like in 10 min. a new record!) and they gave me a chest X-Ray, a pain shot in the arse(which didn’t work,nothing works for this pain!) because I refused to let them give me an IV as they refused to freeze it first, blood work(which DID come back positive for a blood klaat) an ECG(it was the same guy I recognized who did my pre-op one a few weeks ago) and then a lung scan which the machine looks like a CT scanner; a thin tube you pass thru and that rotates around you taking shots. The first part of this scan lasted 17 min.and I breathed in radioactive mist thru a mask for,(and it’s hard having to stay perfectly still and I was so stiff and sore now as WELL as in pain and my back was killing me!) and the other part 10 min. and they injected contrast dye into my veins.This test came back clear, no clot or tumor showed up so they guess it must be a chest inflammation either from the surgery or a virus. I got  NSAID pills for inflammation and pain but they don’t work either(NOTHING does for this pain and I STILL have it, now just a 6/10 on the pain scale now though) and I hope it doesn’t last long. They also admired my suntan and said I “rocked” my shaved head “like Sinead O’Connor” and thought my mother(who came with me) was my GRANDMOTHER and I laughed so hard my pain was even worse! I still can’t lay on either side now and it hurts when I take a deep breath or change positions, eg. standing to laying down,etc.Shit.

As well, the pool guys have FINISHED all the tiles! Yes, really, you read that right! They improvised and made a temporary “ledge” out of wood to hold the tiles up until the glue “sets”. Today they’ll do the grout and drain out the rest of the pool and clean it and hopefully tomorrow we can get the water delivered to fill it and can use it over the weekend when it’s supposed to be scorching hot again!

The 16 YR old also told the 14 YR old that she doesn’t come downstairs until I’ve gone up to bed for the night because I’m “annoying” and “no one likes” me and she wants to “avoid” me and this really hurts. SHE’S the transgendered Goth Vampire freak yet somehow I’M “annoying” and at fault because I DON’T put UP with it and am trying to raise her right? They were to be told about summer camp at Cadets as well and they didn’t and said they’ll either phone or e-mail them up to 2 days before they leave.Typical last minute here. NO ONE  is organized or plans ahead and I HATE it!

Over-React Much?

 People SERIOUSLY over-react when it comes to animals. They are obsessed and insane. For 2 days in a row the main story on the TV news was how people are leaving their pets in locked cars(which become like ovens and not a “smart” thing to do; at least leave the windows open) and how they get fined over 200$ and in the case where it died they were even arrested and face 6 MONTHS in JAIL! I mean, really, people? They’re DOGS for Pete’s sake, NOT people! Nowadays animals have MORE legal rights and protection than PEOPLE do; I mean, you can KILL your defenceless unborn BABY and it’s LEGAL but if you kill or abuse an ANIMAL you go to jail! Something is clearly wrong here ,society has it’s priorities all wrong,and people treat people like animals and  treat animals like people! A 200$ fine? You can buy a new DOG for that and animals are easily replacable, and what I  wonder if WHY do they even bring it in the first place? They’re not kids; they CAN be left home alone! They should have just left it at home. It really boggles my mind how bent out of shape people get over animals and how their status is superior to people! I just don’t “get” those animal freaks one bit!! I also KNOW all the animal freaks will come out of the woodwork reading this but don’t even BOTHER leaving scathing comments because I don’t give a rat’s ass WHAT you think, anyway!

As well, now my post-surgery pain suddenly got  alot WORSE: now my stomach/liver area has really swelled up and is tender and sore(I can’t even bend now) on the inside, and our 16 YR old got her driver’s learner’s permit as well,my mother’s weird and always sets her clock radio 10 minutes AHEAD(I thought the idea of a clock is so you know what the time REALLY is so you’re not late) and when I innocently asked why(because it makes no sense to me at all) she got all defensive and snarled, “I don’t have to explain myselt to YOU!” Well, excuuuuuse ME! She also sneered that I “don’t have to know everything” which is a laugh because I’m always the LAST to know anything(even though being the mother I SHOULD be one of the FIRST!) and no one ever tells ME anything and I’m always the LAST to know! She said she doesn’t understand it either why I wanted to spend time with her as a kid(I hardly ever saw her; she was always at work and I was farmed off to daycare, school, or camp) when NOW I “can’t wait to get rid of” her!

The 9 YR old also caught the 5 YR old trying to talk to strangers online “chat” so she told him no and my mother barges in, yelling and meddling as always telling her to leave him alone and not “boss” him around, etc. as usual NOT knowing the whole story, when she was TRYING to HELP him, and when I asked why the kids always leave the doors open and never remember to close them the 10 YR old goes, “Because we’re stupid kids!” and I saw on the news a town in USA has now BANNED public swearing and they’re fined 20$ if caught! So much for freedom of speech! MORE Big Brother tactics and censorship yet again! What will be outlawed NEXT? Welcome to the New World Order, where you have no rights or freedoms….unless, of course, you happen to be an animal, that is!

Shit!!

 Shit. I knew it. It figures. Yesterday the pool guys came to start on the tiles but of course something HAD to go wrong(like it always DOES for US!!) they wouldn’t stick and they kept slipping and falling off, so the pool guys got pissed off, gave up and left. A few HRS later 8 of them returned and the put wood “ledges” to hold the tiles up(until the glue “sets)) and managed to get a good part of one side done. Of course it’s storming all day today, so once again the work (and the progress) has been set back yet again. I’m so SICK of nothing ever just going right for us or working out. My mother says we should just forget it and close the pool up. We’d hoped to have the repairs done and have it open the end of May and we’ll be lucky if it is the end of June….and it’s so hot we really miss swimming and cooling off!!

As well, now following my surgery I can sit up but I still can’t lay on my right side or bend over. It’s still sore(mainly on the inside) and hurts more when I first wake up(after moving around in bed?) and before I go to bed at night(from moving all day?) and 2 of my “Steri strips” have come off and the ones that remain I can take off using water after a week, which will be on Thurs.

I also mentioned how when I was a kid I was  a “freak”, different than all the other kids because back in the 70’s I was the ONLY kid that DIDN’T have a father(and didn’t even know where he was and haven’t seen him since I was 2) and who also had no siblings and the only one who had a working mother! I never had a chance! I was so lonely, rejected and abandoned,and ostracized and bullied as well, I never knew my father, never saw my mother, and was raised by strangers in daycare and had no one to play with, a lonely only child,and my mother hissed that ,”It’s not MY fault!”(actually, it WAS) and I told her, “Well it wasn’t MY fault, either! I was just a KID,and I didn’t do anything to ‘ask’ for it or to ‘deserve’ it!”Then she snickered, “I bought you EVERYTHING you WANTED!” and I told her I didn’t want THINGS; I wanted TIME! She still just doesn’t “get” it.Then she smirked, “Are you going to punish me with this for the rest of my LIFE until I DIE?” Well, *I’M* punished with it the rest of MY life until *I* die…but with her it’s somehow never HER fault, always someone else’s, usually mine. So now not only was I always the odd one out, now it’s MY fault for it,TOO? She honestly doesn’t see the damage it caused and how she was responsible for it, and to top it off, she’s not even remorseful, takes no responsibility,and has no regrets.It’s still MY fault for being affected by it and not hers for creating the situation!

I have also been hurt and betrayed by everyone I have ever loved and trusted as well: family, friends, professionals. authorities, people who are supposed to be helping…..and now people wonder WHY I DON’T trust anyone anymore?

Shit!