He’s Finally Going To Get Laid!!

TrumpHump Buddy’s wish is finally going to come true; he’s finally going to get laid!He’s desperate to get laid and at almost 12 years old( next week) he doesn’t want to die a virgin and the poor desperate old dog is always humping my leg and Patti sent me a message yesterday saying her female Dachshund is in heat and she’s thinking of breeding her and asked if Buddy was up for it and I replied, Are you kidding? It’s his dream come true! The standard breeding transaction for the stud dog owner is they either get the first choice of puppy from the litter or are paid a stud fee, the equal cost of one puppy and of course the first thing my mother said was about getting the stud fee and was adamant about no more dogs(even though Buddy’s the only dog for me and I don’t want any more dogs and he’d be so jealous anyway) but I wasn’t even thinking of charging her a stud fee; we’re friends and I’m just going to do it because it would make Buddy happy and help her out financially (as she’d make $$$$ selling the puppies.) I can’t wait to see the puppies later though; mini versions of Buddy, mini- Buddys walking around, his progeny to carry on. ♥

I also went to church yesterday instead of today because I knew we were getting freezing rain today and there’s no way I can walk in that, and for Valentine’s Day they had married couples re-newing their vows and there I was, sitting there all alone, and as I was listening to it it literally made me feel sick imagining saying that to my hubby again, it made me shudder, he treats me so terribly and has ruined my life. Meeting him was the worst thing I ever did and my biggest loss in life is never finding love or having romance. The best thing I ever did was getting Buddy. I regret having kids too, although not my kids personally (even though they do treat me like shit) but rather just the idea of having kids in general and what it does to your relationships and your life, and if you have a choice between having kids or getting a dog, go with the dog. Unlike kids, dogs won’t stop loving you once they grow up. They remain loyal  and loving. They won’t suddenly  wake up one day and decide they  hate you. A dog is the most selfless creature created and exists solely to love.

I also went to trim my hair and noticed that both (different measurements) the clips on my clippers are broken, most of the “prongs” in the clippers have been broken off, with only 2-3 left on each, leaving me unable to shave my hair, no doubt one of the kids did; they’re always sabotaging and ruining my stuff to get me mad. The 14 and 16 year olds and my hubby always mock my brain decline and Asperger’s as well and call me Groundhog Day after that dumb movie, because I keep repeating things, the 16 YR old scoffed to me that I’m probably a lesbian and says Buddy and I have sex,too,  and after I’d said or done something deemed stupid my hubby snarled You’re just being you, even though I don’t know who else to be, and the 14 and 16 YR olds were complaining about our “ghetto” dishes too as we have plastic and paper cups and plates, kids’ Spider-Man The Incedibles, Strawberry Shortcake, etc. plates, and can never find utensils and nothing matches so they went to the thrift store ( I call the Peasant store) the only place we can afford to shop and bought some dishes. My mother also said she’s ashamed we’re so short of $$$ we have to ration food to make sure there’s enough for everyone and on the news they said the average family here spends 500$ a month on groceries too when we spend that much on food a week!! I have to replace the leads on my heart monitor after a bath as well and hook it back up but I had no trouble finding the right spots as there was still big red circles left behind on my skin from the old ones so I knew where they go.

 

 

 

 

My MRI.

MRIPrep Here I am, dressed , prepped and waiting for my MRI, which I had yesterday. This time it only took about 15 minutes, I guess since they were only focusing on one specific part ( liver and bile duct) whereas the other times it took much longer, an hour or so, but it was a full-body scan. I’m glad I changed socks before I left too as the original ones I was wearing had holes in the heels and it reminded me of what my great-grandmother on my mother’s side always used to say, to make sure you never go out with holes in your underwear in case you get in an accident and then at the hospital they’ll see it and think you’re poor. The hardest part is to keep still and not move the entire time so I just went off to my Happy Place and pretended I was on the beach in the Caribbean by the ocean, under a palm tree,  in the sun. Being enclosed and strapped in the capsule like that also seemed to Sci-Fi as well and made me feel like I was about to be launched off into space somewhere and there was also this grey line that went all the way down the middle of the tube along the top and it made me wonder if it’s there for some functional reason or just to give us something to look up at while we’re entombed in there although most of the time I kept my eyes shut.

During some the test I felt a warmth on my belly and lower back and also cramping in my belly and a burning feeling in my back and abdomen, sort of like when you get a sunburn. I was worried as well it may affect my new tattoo or my manicured nails but it was fine; I didn’t end up getting stuck to the inside of the MRI walls like a magnet on a fridge or anything like that. They said they got lots of good images as well so hopefully they’ll see whatever’s there causing my liver issues, if something’s stuck in a bile duct, for example, or any masses on the liver. Waiting for my ride home I also sat and observed everyone limping and hobbling into the ER and I tried to image what they were in for, and the worst of it was I couldn’t eat or drink up to 3 hours before and I was so thirsty (I dehydrate really easily) I felt like a dried up cactus in the desert, all withering away.

On the way back I also asked my hubby to help me bring in the empty garbage and recycling that was left after pick up, that we each take half and bring it in, and I couldn’t do it all as my arms were full and he refused to help me and snorted, Just make 2 trips! He’s such an asshole and certainly no gentleman and he always does this and makes me do it all myself and never helps. My mother ordered in a pizza last night as well(and never the kind that I like but always only the one my hubby likes) and only gave me 1 slice even though she gave the 10 year old 2 slices and my hubby got 4 slices and when I said it was unfair (I get 2 slices and save one for my lunch the next day) she smirked, paid for it! and she’s always done that, used money as power and control over people and using it to punish and reward people that she likes or doesn’t like and it made me feel like a Second Class citizen in my own home. I’m always the last, the least important, the one left out, given the least; it makes me feel like a dog, being given the crap, the left-overs, the gross parts, the small pieces, the scraps, the morsels left from everyone else….the after thought…

The 16 YR old also mocked and jeered that I was “jealous” about the pizza when really I just want it to be fair and to just be included and treated like everyone else and not inferior, second-class, the one who gets whatever’s left over after the ones that matter eat first. Then she taunted me, At least I’m pretty and people like me, unlike some people! (referring to me)Bye-bye,loser! and I told her, You’re not as pretty as you think you are ( she needs to be humbled) and at least I have ethics! It really concerns me how mean she is; she’s just so full of herself, so shallow, vain and mean, like the Mean Girls in school that look down on and bully everyone else, which she does; she’s always going around saying how pretty she is and how everyone else is ugly and “beneath” her. With me being bullied for years in school that’s NOT how I raised her; it’s not right to talk to anyone like that, let alone your own mother, and my hubby never says anything because he treats me and talks to me the same way; that’s where the kids learned it from. They constantly put me down, insult me, call me names, make fun of my appearance, bully me and generally treat me like shit and then they wonder why I regret having kids, hate my family and life, am miserably unhappy,and want out…… The thought also came into my head: Anyone you meet could be your potential soul-mate…. I just hope God sends whoever it is into my life soon…I desperately need someone to show me life can be worth living again and that I’m worth loving.

I’m pissed-off as well I miss all my TV shows for an entire month because of the dumb Olympics, taking over all the TV networks and it’s not right that everyone should be disrupted and miss their regular shows; not everyone cares or watches that crap. They should put it on TSN so whoever wants to watch it can pay for it and watch 24 hours a day if they want but the rest of us aren’t disrupted and still get to watch our shows,too. That way it’s fair and everyone’s happy. That’s one of my biggest pet-peeves: missing my regular shows because of some stupid sporting event! Why does that shit always take priority, anyway? What about the rest of us, that aren’t rednecks and don’t give a rat’s ass about sports?

 

 

 

Shut Up, You!

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.08 PM Once again when I was asking the 14 YR old something she huffed, Don’t talk to me!! and that’s just the typical way the kids, my hubby, and my mother all speak to me, with disrespect, contempt, disdain, condescension, belittlement, and scorn. Anything that I have to say isn’t important, doesn’t matter, doesn’t count, isn’t valued, is vetoed, is never considered or factored, and no one ever wants to hear it. I am always being silenced.

Anything I have to say is quickly dismissed, shut down, interrupted, quieted, shot down, vetoed, insulted, mocked, ridiculed, talked over, laughed off, ignored, disregarded, never taken seriously, discouraged, etc. they say they don’t want to hear it, don’t want to listen, don’t care, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, they don’t have time, who cares, no one cares, shut up, no one asked you, mind your own business, no one’s talking to you,Who cares what you say, no one cares what you think etc..

I feel so invisible, so insignificant, so small, so devalued, so unwanted, so second-class.Like I’m nothing.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 02.29 PMMy thoughts, opinions, needs, input, etc. is never considered either, even when it comes to big family decisions or problems, such as when the hall got renovated, or for painting( should we or not, what colour to use) no one ever asks me or my opinion or what I think, in fact, they don’t even discuss it with me or even ask me! I’m left out of all important family discussions, financially, life changing, involving the kids, etc. No one ever tells me anything , asks my opinion or input, and I’m always the last to know anything, even about the possibility we might be considering moving sometime in the near future; I have no say in the matter; whether I want to or not is irrelevant, and I don’t get a “vote”, or a say; my voice doesn’t count, and I overheard too the 18 YR old took a train somewhere to visit someone until the weekend too but no one would tell me where or who, even though I am the mother and would just like to know where my child is and who she’s with and I do have the right to know but I’m left out of everything. They’re really pushed me out in so many ways and it’s very hurtful. Eventually I’m just going to give up trying to get back in.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.25 PMAs well, after I had weed, all the furniture was dancing all around the livingroom, and the 16 YR old wants a summer job and she has a job interview at a hair salon next week and in 2 weeks the 22 YR old comes back after being in California for 2 months and next week the pool guys come and open the pool for the season,too, and the 22 YR old and his GF were on a late-night show as well! They were in the audience during a live taping and he got interviewed by the host! I don’t know the name of it though; I don’t watch late night stuff but I know the host was some British guy because I saw a video of  the clip.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.14 PM The 16 YR old also got a cute little hamster for her birthday! She’s always wanted one, for like the past 7 YRS or so but my hubby hates pets and was always refusing but he finally gave in. It’s name is Tug and it lives in her bedroom but we have to make sure she keeps her door shut so Buddy doesn’t go in there and EAT it, esp. since Dachshunds are bred for hunting and he does like to go after the mice and chipmunks.I had a hamster,named Hammy, that looked just like this when I was a kid and I also had mice, guinea pigs and gerbils. My hubby also sold one of our family businesses to his brother and nephew, (the mobile laser tag) but we still have the vending machines and now all 15 of them have all finally been placed.

 

 

The Crack.

Screen Shot 06-16-16 at 12.27 PM This hardy weed is growing in a crack in the concrete and astroturf in our backyard porch. Despite the harsh conditions(no soil, little water) it beat the odds and somehow grows and thrives despite adversity. I didn’t have the heart to yank it up, and so I left it there, as a testimony to it’s resilience, to be able to grow and stand strong, despite the odds against it. It reminds me of myself. Despite all the traumas I have endured in my life I am a survivor. I am still here. I have survived less-than-ideal conditions, hostile environments, adverse surroundings, and unstable foundations, yet here I am. I am that weed that still stands even though by all accounts I shouldn’t be here.

Yesterday for the 15 YR old’s birthday she also went to the nail salon with a friend and they got their nails done, and they shopped at the mall and then went back to her friend’s house and she dyed her hair. The 13 YR old also saw another musical, and I like it that she’s getting some culture, and 3 of the kids made Father’s Day cards( that you can tell they worked hard on,too, not half-assed jobs) for my hubby…yet they never made me cards for Mother’s Day, using the excuse they “don’t make cards anymore”…..yeah….my foot….just not for me…do you know how that makes me feel? I’M the one that carried them for 9 months, went thru indescribable pain bringing them into this world, and nourishing them with my milk from my body, yet that means nothing…my family sucks.

I was also standing in front of the microwave about to open the door to re-heat Buddy’s food, cold from the fridge, and my mother just swoops in and butts-in  ahead of me trying to get to it to heat up her tea, and then ranted, “That f*cking dog always comes before everyone else!” and threw her cup across the room in a rage, and I told her, “It’s not the dog;it’s for me; *I* was here FIRST, you have to wait your turn!”. and then she grouses, “Who even heats up DOG FOOD anyway?”……geez…..she really IS a piece of WORK! It’s so sweltering as well( 29 C with humidex of over 30 C) it felt like my eyes were melting out of the sockets and sweat was all dripping down my head, into my eyes, down my neck and back, in my rolls of fat(ewww!) and under my boobs, yet she refuses to put the A/C on, not wanting to pay for the electricity it costs to run it! She’d rather we all die of heatstroke instead,and what’s the use of even having the A/C if we can’t even use it? It was 84 F in the house and it’s usually 70 F.

I’m sweating like a pig!

Our Mother’s Day & A Birthday.

Screen Shot 05-06-16 at 06.56 PM My Mother’s Day sucked. Guess what I got from my kids and hubby? …..NOTHING! No gift, not even a card, they didn’t even bother to make me a card,and,in fact, didn’t even bother to SAY “Happy Mother’s Day” and when I finally mentioned it, “Well, is anyone going to even say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’?” only the 16 YR old did and they used the excuse, “Oh, that’s TODAY?” and the 14 YR old says Mother’s Day is the “worst day” of the YR and my hubby always uses the excuse, “you’re not MY mother!” even though I DID birth his KIDS!” and they always make a big deal out of Father’s Day but Mother’s Day is over-looked and is just like any other day.It’s very hurtful and I was really “down” all day.

I was hoping for a book, or perhaps a hippo figurine to add to my collection or something, and my hubby had a few chances to find a hippo collectible the few times he was in Toronto recently, plus he also knows I want a few books….really no excuse… and to top it off they wouldn’t even let me order-in Chinese food for dinner like I wanted,either; they  got fried chicken instead because it’s what THEY like! My family sucks! No *wonder* the 18 YR old left home! I can see why he DID! I wish *I* could,too!  I also went to church in the morning yesterday too as the kids tricked me and said my hubby wouldn’t be here in the afternoon to drive me and I can’t walk with my sore foot plus it was supposed to rain. I guess the people at the afternoon Mass I normally go to might just think I wasn’t there because I have a “nice” family that took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day.

HAH!

Screen Shot 05-06-16 at 06.57 PM Today one of the girls also turns 13! She’s an official teen now, although she’s had the attitude for quite awhile now.So now we have 3 teens in the house now, all girls!(Lord help us!!) and I think I might know why my foot hurts: from using the “Weed Hound” pulling up dandilions as I have to push down hard on it…..using my left FOOT! It’s the only thing that I can think of…and my cousin with the brain tumours found out her primary cancer is in her lungs but it’s not too surprising considering she’s always been a heavy smoker!

The 18 YR old also didn’t get the job he’d applied for and was hoping for,either, as they found out he’s taking an anti-psychotic but that’s discrimination! and he’s back to texting his siblings now again,too, and said he has a pet rabbit and I think it might be good for him and helpful in his recovery, having something to take care of and that depends on him, and the doctor at the hospital told him to NOT come home and to move in with a friend as he said as soon as he walks in the door of the house the “aura” stresses him out and he doesn’t like being told what to do and having chores(he sweeps the kitchen floor and puts the garbage out) and having to go to church, even though the *other* kids do too and it’s just part of being a family but if that’s how he feels then it’s better for all of us that he has moved out…

My Family Sucks!

YouSuck(new) My family sucks. Case in point: the 12 and 14 YR olds decreed to me that I am not to speak to them until I am spoken to(because I am not worthy and I am “beneath” them), the 21 YR old kept referring to me as “fat, obese mother”, and when I got mad that he ate one(without even asking,of course) of my 2 mini turkey, brie, cranberry, almond sandwiches my mother snarked, “Stop being so  GREEDY!”…and all that in just one day. Typical of how they treat me though, and I’m always being told how stupid I am,how fat I am, taunt me for looking masculine and say I’m a “man”, and being put down,blamed, demeaned, degraded, called names, talked to condescendingly by my mother and hubby and disrespected by the kids.

I wish someone loved me.

Buddy92 As well, here is an adorable photo of my beautiful boy.I just LOVE this little guy so much! He loves laying out in the sun with me,too, and stretches out beside me as I get my tan, snuggling up next to me. He’s the only one that really loves me.If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have anyone. I’m so lucky and thankful to have him in my life!!

My left foot has also been really sore for the past few days, the bones at the top, and it hurts so much I can’t bear pressure on it and it’s hard to walk and I limp along and it’s swollen at the top too and I wonder if I maybe broke it somehow but I never fell or kicked anything, banged it, twisted it, and nothing fell on it to injure it, so maybe it’s arthritis, like how I have in my knees? That’s highly likely, esp. as when I move it it does crack alot. My mother likes to rub it in as well that SHE only has to see the specialist(doctor) every 6 months and *I* have to go every 4 months, so she’s better off than me( and I’m in worse shape than her) even though I’m younger and I told her that she should just be grateful that she’s relatively healthy, esp. considering her age.

Out Of Step.

HippoSteps I was involved with a discussion online about a photo of a little girl and how it was tagged as “offensive” that she was praying at her mother’s grave…and I, as always, posted a comment, not even noticing that it WAS at a gravesite; I just thought she was sitting in the grass playing in the garden; once again I didn’t “get” it, as always, with my Asperger’s I’m always out of step, I miss the boat, the parade always passes me by, I’m oblivious and clueless, I’m not with the program, I’m out of tune, out of touch, on a different page, miss the mark, etc. you get the idea. I just don’t see, notice,interpret,process, react to,or understand things the same way that other people do and I always end up embarrassing myself and looking stupid and then I wonder why I even bothered to participate, comment, get involved, care, etc. in the first place as I only end up laughed at, belittled, or criticized anyway.

It’s so hard being different.

My family is no different and they hate me for being what I am as well even though I can’t help it and are constantly berating,demeaning, devaluing, and ridiculing me for it and for being me, and when I was upset about something the 18 YR old scoffed, “Everything’s NOT always about YOU!”  and when I replied, “Nothing’s EVER about me!” he goes, sarcastically,”Oh, poor muffin!” and the 14 YR old sniped, “That’s because you’re so annoying!” and she was being mouthy and disrespectful so I warned her to cut it and to watch her mouth if she didn’t want a smack upside her head and the 18 YR old said if I did that HE’D “kick me across the room” and then he cackled to me, “Go smoke some weed!”They always talk to me like that and treat me like this.

I hate my family.

One of our relatives in Europe is also in the hospital with a heart-attack and she just got over being hospitalized with pneumonia recently,too….shit…hopefully she’ll get thru this too….she’s just in her 60’s.