Update.

screen-shot-09-11-16-at-10-25-am Shit. I’m still here. I tried to kill myself again, tired of my toxic family’s constant abuse, but it didn’t work  again. I’m such a failure I even fail at killing myself, I can’t even do  that right! I was so sure that it would work this time,too; I swallowed a bunch of my mother’s insulin pills, and esp. since I don’t even  have diabetes I thought for sure it would work, and her dose is 250 mg and I took 1500 mg so it had to be a lethal dose, so I took the pills, curled up in bed  next to Buddy and listened to the thunderstorm, waiting to fall asleep, then lapse into a coma and die……but nothing happened!

WTF? Even now, the only lingering after-effects are I’m sweaty and have diarrhrea, that’s it. I feel so angry, so cheated, so disappointed, so ripped-off. Why won’t God just hurry up and take me already? I’ve had enough, I’m done, I’ve reached my breaking point and have had more than I can bear, and they’re never going to get any better or treat me any nicer, and in Heaven I’ll be thin again and I’ll be beautiful and at peace,free of my limitations, and I’ll be loved, welcomed, accepted, fit in and belong,with no more rejection, bullying, ridiculing,or ostracization; everything I’ve always wanted here but was always out of my reach.I can understand too why the 18 YR old tried to kill himself, the toxic environment in this house is unbearble.

screen-shot-09-11-16-at-10-24-am I never did bother even telling my family of my suicide attempt though. Why bother?I don’t want to be stopped or saved, and  they wouldn’t even care,anyway, and wouldn’t be supportive, but just critical and ridicule me,anyway,and I really don’t need any  more of their shit, I really don’t. If I really  am as bad as they think I am  and I’m the problem then I deserve to die anyway,and they’ll be glad to be rid of me so I’ll be doing everyone a favour, and I know for a fact they hope I DO die before I’m 50 and I’ve even heard my hubby even planning what they’ll do with my life insurance $$$$ once I’m gone,too( wouldn’t it be funny and serve them right though if something happens and they end up getting nothing?) They’re just so cold-hearted and cruel and when I told my mother how it hurts me how they always make fun of my looks, my weight and my lack of intelligence, she goes, “Well, you make fun of yourself,too, you call yourself a hippo!” and I told her, “It’s because sometimes it’s easier to try to laugh along with them than to have them see me cry” and then she smirks, “Well, then, keep doing it!” She just doesn’t  get it. None of them do.

My only hope now that I still hold on to is that maybe it’s a delayed reaction, that maybe the insulin takes HRS, or maybe even a day, to digest and absorb, to cause damage and that I still could overdose and lapse into a coma and die, maybe just not as quickly as I’d hoped, not instant,or maybe I just didn’t take enough ? There’s always another opportunity,too….

Self-Acceptance.

Screen Shot 07-18-16 at 10.53 AM I struggle every day with self-acceptance and self-love. I hate it

that I’m fat and ugly and I hate myself for being fat and ugly.I just want to destroy myself. I hate having my photo taken and I hate looking in the mirror. I wish I had lots of $$$$ so that I could get extensive plastic surgery to make myself look better, incl. liposuction and gastric-bypass(stomach-stapling) to lose weight.I’d also get my jaw fixed, get cheek implants to fix my flat face, and get dental veneers. If I looked better then I’d feel better about myself and have some self-esteem and wouldn’t hate myself. I was also bullied in school for my looks and it has left a lasting impression and lasting emotional scars.

Sometimes I try and tell myself since I can’t do anything about it, that it’s just the way I AM and the way I’m made, that I just have to accept it, and try to embrace it, do the best I can with what I have and work on my good qualities, and try and work on self-acceptance and self-love, yet I just can’t. There’s this barrier, this “wall” there that prevents me from doing so. I’ve been looked down on and told I’m not worthy, not good enough, my whole life, and it’s been so deeply engrained into my psyche, into my soul, that it’s all I know.

Screen Shot 07-19-16 at 11.25 AM I try and tell myself that looks don’t matter, that it’s what’s inside that matters, but to *other* people looks DO matter and I know that I’ve missed out on so much in life due to my looks and it hurts. I know my life would be so different if I didn’t look the way I do. I know God loves me the way I am, and I try to see the value and worth in myself that He does but I just can’t. All I see is this flawed, broken, fat, ugly, unlovable piece of shit that doesn’t even deserve to live and never asked to be born. I know I should just go, “Ah, f*ck it!” and try to embrace and accept who I am since there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, and realize that people should like me and accept me for who I am(and it shouldn’t matter how I look)and if they don’t then that’s their problem and they’re not the kind of people I’d want as friends anyway….and all that’s true….

yet…..

I don’t think I will EVER be able to accept the fact I am who I am, that I am what I am, or ever be able to accept myself, like myself, love myself, or be glad that I’m me. In fact, I’ve always wished I was someone else, anyone else, other than myself.

As well, I had the munchies so I went to the corner store and bought chips and a chocolate bar and I barely had enough $$$$; it cost 8.50$ and all I had was coins and I was down to my last few and as I was desperately digging down to the bottom of my purse counting out my change to see if I had enough I was just sooooo embarrassed and I’m sure the clerk must have thought what a poor peasant I was…..in the end I had just enough…..and with only a dime left in my purse. Being poor really sucks.

Yet another reason to hate myself and my life.

 

Anything.

Screen Shot 06-30-16 at 07.16 PM I just realized…..if it weren’t for my sweet dog Buddy I wouldn’t have anything to live for. He is my faithful companion who is with me constantly, who loves me unconditionally,and is always with me and follows me everywhere I go . Without him I:

wouldn’t have anyone to love me at all

would feel sad and all alone

would have no reason to live

would have no joy in my life

would have no light in my life

would have nothing to keep me going

would have no one to cuddle with

would have no one to comfort me

would have no one who loves me best

would have no reason to not kill myself

would have no one to cheer me up

would have no reason to get up each morning

would have no one in bed at night to keep me warm

would have no affection from anyone

Would have no one that cares about me

Would have no one that misses me when I leave and happy when I return

would have no one to return my love

would have no one to dote on

would have no one to listen to me

would have no one who likes me just as I am

would have an emptiness in my life

 

That sweet little guy is my everything….and if I didn’t have him…..

I wouldn’t have ANYTHING. He literally SAVED MY LIFE.God knew exactly what I needed and He sent me Buddy. ♥

I don’t know what I’d do without him.

 

 

Reflections Of My Life.

Reflection  The 8 YR old told me to “Shut Up!” and my hubby heard it but he didn’t care or say anything but when he thought he’d said it to HIM he got mad and thundered, “WHO are you saying it to?”, yet he lets him disrespect ME and talk to ME like that because everyone does (and the kids learn how to treat me, or rather, mistreat me, by watching and copying how he and my mother treat me) and the 12 YR old calls me a “lesbian” because I’m ugly, am masculine-looking, and because I have short hair. These are just 2 examples of the cruel way my family treats me, disrespects me, insults me, puts me down,and hurts my feelings. To put it bluntly they treat me like a piece of shit and they make me feel like a piece of shit,too.

I have been really tired for awhile lately and for the past couple of days even more short of breath than I usually am, so that combined with my blue lips and severe fluid retention(esp. in my lower legs)makes me wonder if I DO have a heart problem afterall ( and I see the Internal Medicine doc next week) and everything’s leading up to a heart attack, and if so I really wouldn’t be surprised. My poor heart has just  been thru so much trauma, heartbreak, sorrow, despair, hurt, and desolation I don’t think it can take any more.

It has finally reached it’s breaking point.

It has had enough.

I think my cause of death will literally BE from a broken heart.

Prince DickWeed.

PrinceHans(new) The 10 YR old and I have this game where we hide a picture of villain Prince Hans ( who I dubbed “Prince Dickweed”) from the movie “Frozen” in eachother’s bedrooms every day and the other one has to find him.It’s kind of like a scavenger hunt. I also joke that she loves him( although I think she really does have a crush on him because every time I mention him she blushes and giggles) and she jokes that he’s my husband. It’s this funny little game we have. We have all sorts of little jokes and games that we have for just the two of us. I have so much fun with her, and I can joke, laugh, be goofy, and have fun with her like I never could with anyone else.When I had her God saved the best for second last. I also heard on the news that a policeman who was killed 3 YRS ago his wife and son “are living out of the country” so they don’t like it here either and I wish so much I was them; I wish I could move out of this shithole as well and I wonder where they moved to? USA? the UK? Europe? The Caribbean? That’s what I want more than anything else in the world, to be able to move away from here….sigh….if only I had the $$$….

As well, I got blocked on Facebook by someone I genuinely cared about and prayed for, someone I showed concern for and asked a legitimate question out of love and she took it the wrong way and accused me of “judging” her and I wasn’t; she’d had non-emergency gallbladder surgery even though she’s 6 months pregnant and I questioned why they’d do it and risk the baby like that and not wait until after it’s born and that if it were me I’d refuse and not allow it until after and that they can’t force you to have the surgery…and now her amniotic sac has ruptured so it’s almost certain she’ll lose the baby…and it really hurt that she blocked me like that when I was just concerned and I WAS a really good friend to her; I consoled her thru the trauma of rape where she nearly died, and thru several miscarriages, and talked her out of suicide many times…..and yet now she’s so quick to dismiss me over this and just toss me away when I was just worried about her baby(esp. after so many miscarriages before)….I just don’t get some people and they’re so quick to block people over every little thing and throw friendships away like that…it really hurts.

My hubby and mother also hate it and berate me for always  harping on everything, nagging and nattering all the time, but no one ever listens to me, does what I say, pays attention to me, or cares about my wants,feelings, or needs,and I have no say or control in my life, and I need their permission to do anything, go anywhere, or buy anything and feel so trapped and stifled, and they hate it too I try to micromanage and control everything but I always need everything to be just right, need routine,and to keep being reassured everything will be ok or else I get really anxious and I’ll emotionally destruct, and when God answers prayers the answer is often there but we just don’t recognize it and it’s not always clear how events interact with one another when we want,either, or it could be wrong, a disaster, or become a time of incredible prayer if the answer is “no”, “wait”, or “not now”, and suffering may be allowed(or healing denied) to keep from even worse suffering and God always provides us what’s best(even if we don’t see it at the time) and the best possible answers that many times would never have occurred to us but which ultimately are much better responses to our needs than we could possibly envision.God knows what we need, not just what we want. Sometimes answers are not immediate and the outcome would be better at a later date(or not at all) or an important lesson would have been lost without the passage of time….yet HOW can me wanting to be loved and happy, to be pretty and normal and not ugly possibly be wrong? Those prayers of my heart will never be answered. I also can’t help but feel I’m so ugly even God can’t love me.

Shitty Week!

Shit(blog) This has been such a shitty week! We didn’t have any Internet for a few days and then my weekly magazines( my only pleasure in life and I look forward to every week) didn’t come,either; none of the stores here got their delivery, so I didn’t even have that! What’s going to go wrong next, I wonder, will the satellite go off,too,and I’ll miss a TV show, or the electricity will go off, or something? I have the worst luck. Nothing ever goes right. We also got a blizzard( 15 cm) the day after it was mild( 7 C) and I’m so sick of snow, sick of winter, sick of this country! and we ran out of bread, buns, meat, milk, and cheese again(I hate being poor) and my mother’s so lazy she hasn’t been doing any of her work this week,either, so I’ve had to pick up the slack and do her work FOR her(and she also naps during the day as well and then wonders WHY she can’t sleep at night…..duh) AND the 5 YR old with the brain tumour I’ve been praying for for the past 4 YRS died yesterday ,too. What a shitty week! The only good is I’ve really enjoyed the peace and quiet with 4 of the kids gone( on a Cadets trip to USA) and look forward to the day when they’ve all moved out of the house!

 The 10 YR old was also asking about cremation and I made the mistake of telling her about it( and that I’m going to be cremated) and she was distraught and sobbed that she doesn’t want me to burn up in a fire and I explained that once you’re dead you don’t feel anything and that your body’s just an empty shell; you’ve already gone and what really matters is where your SOUL goes, not what happens to your body, and that I’d prefer to be cremated(which is fast) than to be buried and be eaten by worms and maggots….and then she cried  even more saying she didn’t want me to be eaten,either, so I couldn’t “win” either way. FAIL. In church on Sunday the 19 YR old also flicked the 16 YR old on the head as he walked by on the way up for Communion and the oldest, the 19 YR old,and the 10 YR old were playing with Nerf guns in the livingroom and refused to leave and go in the Rec-room even when I kept telling them( not wanting them to hit things that can be damaged such as the TV or my wall plaques) and the oldest suggested as well we dip the Nerf “bullets” in lighter fluid and then set them on fire and when I freaked out my hubby agreed with HIM and I told him that he’s NOT helping. I *NEVER* have any support.

 The oldest also has these Armani jeans he paid 130$ for which he says is half-price and I honestly couldn’t tell the difference; they just looked like any other jeans to me and I can’t see the sense in spending so much $$$, and gave me fancy chocolates he got from his first class flight, but I fear he’s turning into a redneck,too, as he said he was at the Calgary Stampede(a rodeo) and sat in the front row at a hockey game….turning into a redneck just like my hubby wants the kids to be, and tries to get them to be, his bad influence rubbing off on them,turning them into rednecks like he is, even though I try so hard to get them NOT to be rednecks and want and expect much more from them(and it’s not too much to ask) wanting them to be cultured, and for the past few days I haven’t had ulcer pain,either, so either my pills are finally starting to work( after a month…finally) or I’m just having a few good days, and the price of natural gas( our furnace runs on) is going up 40% which we can’t afford…..we can hardly even afford it NOW as it is! I hate this place so much!

 My friend P from grade 6 is also engaged!He proposed on Valentine’s Day! She’s been dating the guy for a few months now and they went on vacation together over Christmas and every week he sends her red roses( because he’s sweet like that) and even though I AM genuinely happy for her I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also feel sad and envious as well; I wish *I* had a love and romance like that, but no one will EVER love me like that; she’s a pretty woman and guys have always fallen all over her, and it hurts to see others find love and be happy while I’m always left behind. I wish I knew what it was like to have love and romance, instead of having to settle. I wish I wasn’t so ugly.Guys never like me. I’m always so limited in life and missed out on so much that others take for granted and that comes so easily for other people and it makes me feel left out. I don’t hate them for it(and I am happy for them) but it does hurt to watch the world go by and see others have what I wish I had(and can only ever dream of) but know I never will.

I’m Cheddar And Sour Cream.

CheddarSourCreamChips We have these cheddar and sour cream chips that no one likes (except me) and I know how they feel; they’re just like me: everyone hates them. That’s me, I’m cheddar and sour cream, the one that no one likes. I’ve always been the one that’s been hated, bullied, taunted, ostracized, picked on, rejected, ridiculed, abused,and victimized. Due to my unfortunate looks and Asperger’s Syndrome I’ve always been the one without a gym or lab partner, the one without friends, the one off on my own, the one eating lunch by myself, the one without a date, the one boys never asked out or asked to dance, the scapegoat, the one singled out for ridicule, the last one picked for teams in gym class, etc. You get the idea. Being fat, ugly, stupid, AND having Asperger’s is a combination and an identity so absurd and outrageous it’s a cosmic joke of epic proportions and hitting the jackpot of incredibly bad odds and extreme unfortunate bad luck all in one. My life is so defeating and disempowering I keep hoping for bright sunny days but all I usually get are dark cloudy rainy ones. I’m the bag of cheddar and sour cream chips that gets left behind on the clearance rack,an odd combination, not liked,not wanted, never chosen.

As well, with my mother away( and I’m here doing all the work myself instead of the 2 of us dividing the workload) everyone resents I make them be more self-sufficient, such as everyone do their own dishes, and my hubby, for example, had to set his own TV show to record(his redneck wrestling) and wondered why it hadn’t been set (I refuse to record redneck things, and everyone has to record their own stuff,anyway) and he said my mother always set it FOR him(even though the kids and I set OUR own shows ourselves) and when I said,”What IS she, your slave?” he goes, “Yes!” and has to put his own laundry away( I DO the laundry but then everyone has to get their own clean clothes out of the basket and put their own stuff away) even though he’s a grown man and perfectly capable of programming his own shows and putting his laundry away, and the work itself isn’t what’s overwhelming( I normally cook breakfast and lunch anyway and my mother does dinner, now I just have to do dinner,too, for example); it’s their ATTITUDE,and their attitude towards it and towards me( the 19 YR old snorted to me, “YOU actually cooked food?”) THAT’S what I’m having a problem with! The belittling way they treat me is always the problem.

My hubby also got a letter from the IRS about his American stocks he’s invested in; he has to sign a statement that he’s not an American citizen so they won’t come after him; they suck THAT much that they’re even coming after foreigners now,TOO? In any case, he’s NOT American and doesn’t even live in USA so they can’t bother him anyway, but what assholes(who do they think they ARE,anyway?) and I laughed seeing someone Tweet on Twitter about Dancing With The Stars that “Rednecks have it on speed dial”(I guess viewers have to call in to vote or something?) as they’re right; only losers would watch that lame show, and my friend in Ireland has her brain surgery later today to remove her tumour and it’s a 5 HR procedure(and she’ll stay in the hospital for 4 days) but I won’t hear for awhile though as she’s 5 HRS ahead of us but she’s in my thoughts and prayers.