Person Of The Year.

Screen Shot 12-06-17 at 06.29 PM I agree: Time Magazine  Person Of The Year: should be Fiona the Hippo! Also along those lines here are my other choices for other worthy and notable distinctions of the year:

Asshole Of The Year:  Donald Trump

Amazing Pet Of The Year: Buddy Humperdinck

Story Of The Year: Exposure of perverts in Hollywood scandal

Disaster Of The Year: Hurricane in Puerto Rico

Best Item I Bought Of The Year: Either tie-dye socks or peach/mango Charmed Aroma bath bomb

My Most Memorable Event Of The Year: When I fainted and hit my head

Musician Of The Year: Tom Petty

Funniest Event Of The Year: When Buddy ate all the pepperoni off the pizza but left the rest behind

Worst Event Of The Year: The 14 YR old’s eating disorder,etc.

Best Thing I Did Of The Year: My solo trip to Cuba

Saddest Event Of The Year: When my Facebook friend died of cancer

Song Of The Year: Despacito by Luis Fonsi

Biggest Surprise Of The Year: I lost 50 pounds without even trying! (but I’m glad!)

Biggest Disappointment Of The Year: I’m still here and haven’t died yet

Indulgence Of The Year: Getting my nails done at the salon

TV Show Of The Year: The Blacklist

Best Gift Of The Year: My purple Converse hi-tops

Movie Of The Year: La La Land

Medical Procedure Of The Year: Colonoscopy

Sensitive.

Screen Shot 08-26-17 at 06.58 PM  Due to a lifetime of always being bullied, picked on, criticized, victimized, abused, hated, taunted, rejected, ridiculed, and excluded it had made me very sensitive and fragile. Hippos are normally thick-skinned but not this one. I have a very thin skin and so now every criticism hits me really hard and I have a really hard time with it because it’s all I’ve ever had my entire life, hate, blame, criticism, never being good enough, never measuring up, always failing, always struggling but never being good enough, always falling short, always messing up no matter how hard I try, etc…and my Asperger’s and Bipolar only complicates things and makes it even worse. My best way to try and avoid being hurt is trying to stay away from people and situations that will likely cause trouble and to avoid conflict and stay away from people.

Generally people can take a bit of criticism and it just rolls off their back but for me it’s devastating as it’s just yet one more on top of many,many others,piling up, never ending,drilled into my head,non-stop, that keep on reminding me what a failure I am, how worthless and useless I am, and it’s hard NOT to take it personally when it is directed at me,too, such as You always make everything worse! You keep doing the same stupid things over and over! You’re so stupid! You’re the problem! No one loves you! No one cares what you think! which is a small sample of some of the things my family have said to me. It really breaks my spirit, shatters my heart and crushes my self-esteem. I’ve been put down and constantly told that I’m worthless, stupid, useless, and that no one loves me or wants me around, and then they wonder why I’m so broken, fragile, and sensitive to criticism? You know, people, a little bit of kindness, compassion, love, support, and understanding  go a long way.

As well, it seems ever since the 18 YR old got back from camp that she’s more “distant” from the 14 and 16 YR old, that she doesn’t spend time with them like she used to and doesn’t hang out with them as much anymore, almost as if she’s “outgrown” them, or thinks she’s too “old” now or too “cool” now to hang out with the younger kids, but I guess it will make it easier for them when she leaves for school next week at least. I also caught the 14 YR old trying to hide food at her meals; once trying to hide part of her muffin in the muffin wrapper or “skin” by wrapping part of it up  hidden in there and leaving it behind on the table only I saw it( she forgets that I used to be a kid once too and I know all the tricks for hiding and disposing of disgusting and unwanted food, mostly beans,broccoli, and Brussels sprouts) , and my mother found part of her bagel with cream cheese on it from her snack stuck to the kitchen floor as well although that could also have been from when she stuck it to the side of the dog,too, and it fell off. Don’t ask.

My friend J in Ottawa is also on vacation and going to Vegas like he always does and he retires soon too just like my friend I did as they both work for the gov’t and you can retire after 25 YRS and get a good pension and then still go on to find another job somewhere else in the private sector. Most of my friends in Ottawa work for the gov’t, actually, and  there when someone says they work for the gov’t no one ever asks what they do, what dept. or for more details; they just leave it at that because lots of times they’re not allowed to say.It’s just understood. Lots of secrecy and cloak and dagger stuff. Classified and all that. Everyone just “works for the gov’t”. No one really knows doing what.

Long-Lasting Effects.

Rastaman Today I said something-or-other (I don’t even know what it was) that my hubby and the 16 YR old deemed to be stupid and they shook their heads in dismay at my stupidity(like they always do) and jeered about me, referring to my medical marijuana, It must be the long-lasting effects, insinuating that the cannabis I take for my migraines is  causing brain damage and making me even dumber, and like my hubby snarked before to me,  I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells, and they’re always putting me down like this and insulting my intelligence ( or lack of),but it did give me the idea for today’s blog post(so I guess they are good for something) and got me thinking, not that the marijuana has long-term lasting effects, but rather that they do, with their bullying, and demeaning, cruel mistreatment and ridiculing me.

Screen Shot 08-07-17 at 06.24 PM The way they treat me has long-lasting effects.Bullying always does.

Every time they say how stupid I am.

Every time they tell me how worthless  I am.

Every time they say that no one loves me.

Every time they call me names and then say I can’t take a joke, and don’t have a sense of humour.

Every time they make fun of my for my disibilities and limitations.

Every time they insult me, my looks, my weight,

bully me,

put me down,

demean, devalue, dismiss, berate, exclude,

and mock me

it leaves long-lasting effects.

When will they see the damage they cause and take responsibility for their part in it?

They hate me for what I am and for what I’ve become, due to how they treat me.

they should have known it leaves long-lasting effects.

The marijuana wears off but the scars of bullying leave long-lasting effects.

Commencer Votre Journee.

Screen Shot 07-15-17 at 06.49 PM I was reading the back of a cereal box yesterday as I was eating  and it said in French, Commencer votre journee which means Start your day….except I had my weed so I thought it said Start your journey, you know, kind of like a mixture of French and English, as my mind wasn’t processing too efficiently. So then I thought maybe it was meant as some sort of message or sign for me regarding my future. I’m going to be starting a journey in life. Starting over. Starting again. Something new. A new journey in life. How exciting!

But what?

It could still be true, though, but if so I wonder if it’s a new life I’ll be starting over as in moving out and living on my own, or maybe even finding love and happiness later in life, or if it means a new beginning in Heaven, that my journey will soon begin there? Change is scary but I also know that I don’t want to keep going on like this,either, and I hope I am going to embark on a journey soon that will transform , change, and renew my life….

Until then I will start each day. Start each day with hope as I wait for my journey to begin.

As well, I have bad abdomenal pain and cramps again as I often do, and I’m bleeding again too even though “Aunt Flow” finished over a week ago, and that’s what happened last month as well; bleeding in-between periods, but I guess it’s just the menopause because I get alot of hot flashes,too, but it’s really annoying whatever it is and I’m too old for this shit now. I’ve been itchy alot as well so it might be my liver acting up again, and I’ve also been woken up by headaches the past few days,too that start as a stiff neck and work their way up the back of my head.

We also heard really loud fireworks last night, and they lit up the sky and kept loudly going boom!-boom!-boom! and they were the big professional ones and at first I wondered if the military base was under attack and poor Buddy was frantic and freaking out and he was trembling and shaking and whimpering and hid under the bed, poor little guy. He hates any really loud noise, such as fireworks, thunder, or gunshots.

Why I Like Animals More Than People.

Screen Shot 07-14-17 at 02.06 PM I like animals more than people. Not in that animal-freak way where I think their lives are more valuable than human lives or that animals are equal to humans or take priority, but I just like animals more than I like people. I think they’re nicer and I can relate to them more and get along with them better. They have pure souls and good hearts. They are very loving and they love you unconditionally. They don’t care what you look like, how much you weigh, how much money you have, if you’re disabled, if you’re popular, or any of that stuff. If you’re kind to them and take care of them they will love you back with all their heart and loyalty and they won’t hurt you, betray you, use you, turn on you, laugh at you, reject you, ridicule you, exclude you, etc. but they will just show you friendship and love like no other and ask nothing in return. They are the most selfless beings. All they have for us is love.

When they say that Dogs are man’s best friend, for example, they weren’t kidding. I have never had a friend as dear and devoted as my dog. Animals are very keen and tuned in to our emotions and well and can sense if we’re upset, hurt, sad, or not well. They are good listeners and good comfort. They are good companions and can develop good connections with humans. Animals can also be very therapeutic as well such as therapy horses and dogs. They lift our spirits, put a smile on our faces, heal our broken hearts, ease our loneliness, take away our sadness, dry our tears, teach us how to love, develop compassion in us, etc. and I know esp. with someone like me that’s become so defeated  and beaten down by my life that I don’t even have the emotional stamina to attempt anything beyond the usual day to day life I know the love and companionship of my dog means the world and is a huge blessing in my life. He truly is my best friend.

If I see an animal my instinct is to go up to it and say hello. If I see a person I hope it goes away. I’d choose an animal over a person any day. Animals don’t hurt me like people do. All they do is love, and they don’t judge or hate. They love and accept you just as you are. I certainly can trust animals more than I can trust people. They love even the most broken and damaged of us. They love even the most undesirable, unwanted, and  unlovable of us. You love them and they love you back. Too bad people weren’t like that,too.

Weird Things I Do.

Screen Shot 07-07-17 at 08.49 AM

Weird Things I Do:(or interesting facts about me, whichever you prefer)

I talk to inanimate objects

I chatter away to my dog, an entire conversation, as if he’s a person.

I shave my legs but not my armpits

I talk out loud to myself( but I don’t answer)

If I bump into something or knock it over I say “sorry”

I can’t sleep without music

I use weed but don’t drink alcohol

I speak 4 languages but I can’t do math

I can turn my eyelids inside-out

I can bend my thumb all the way back down straight against my arm

I can be thinking in one language but talking in another

I put corn and gravy in my mashed potatoes

I sunbathe topless but would never wear a low-cup top

I shave my head

I can imitate doing funny accents and various voices

I can make “fart” noises by putting my hand under my armpit

I used to be able to make this noise that sounded like a walrus

I can write with my feet

I write, eat, brush my teeth, etc. with my left hand, but use scissors with my right hand.

I can crack my knuckles

As a ‘tween I kissed the posters of celeb guys I had on my bedroom walls

As a teen I practiced kissing with pillows and stuffed toys

I’ve been to 36 countries but I’ve never been to NYC

I can “curl” my tongue