The Thumb.

Screenshot_270 Guess where this blood on my shirt came from? Buddy! The 17 YR old threw his toy for him to fetch and he was resting on the couch and he jumped down but somehow one of his nails ( on his I guess you’d call it a thumb?) must have gotten snagged on a blanket, and as it caught he twisted and turned the wrong way as he fell and the entire toe just twisted the wrong way, along with the nail, and just bent, snapped, and broke off. Well, it pretty much broke off; his toe’s just hanging there by a thread. Last time a similar thing happened where his nail got caught and his entire nail got torn off(which eventually grew back) but this time it was not only the entire nail but also the entire toe/thumb with it!

Oh, my God, it was just the saddest thing ever to see! Once the poor dog’s paws hit the ground he knew something was very wrong and that he was hurt; he just let out this God-awful scream; I’ve never heard such a pitiful sound in my entire life; it was just so sad; such a deep, hurt, painful, wail. He just had this stunned, shocked look on his face and big sad eyes as well, as if he was trying to process what just happened and he just stood there blankly, as if in shock, and I quickly scooped him up into my arms and held him close to my chest ( hence the blood all over my shirt) and checked out his paw and stopped the bleeding, disinfected it, and just held him,nuzzling him, soothing him,comforting him, and he just melted into me, not moving for what seemed like forever, just staring ahead blankly and so still; he was traumatized.

It’s healing up now(now it’s a bloody red stump of bone)didn’t bleed much or for too long, and he licks it to keep it clean, and I’m taking daily care of it as well(but he keeps taking the bandage off!) and luckily being the thumb he doesn’t need that toe to walk, but for now while it still hurts he’s not walking much and he limps around walking on 3 legs. My poor boy! The kids taunt  he’s going to die but you can live perfectly fine minus a toe, and it would be comparable to us losing a thumb, or de-clawing a cat, where they not only remove the claw but also remove part of the knuckle bone,too.

As well, the new neighbours that bought the nice brick house next to D’s old house are assholes. (I bet they came from Toronto! HA!) they are taking over everything not only on their own property but also on both sides of their neighbours with their tacky statues (they have 15-20 of them all over everywhere) they put everywhere, and even got into such a quarrel with their neighbours over it, about the property lines, that they even had the township come over and measure and put markers on the property lines, showing how far their property extended and where the corners are….and apparantly it goes waaay over onto both their next-door neighbour’s’ too(and they also tore up part of the next-door neighbour’s garden and put a statue there)as they have their ugly statues on their part now,too, and they just cut down that big elegant Black Walnut tree next door,too! (I really miss it!)So, basically, they just come in and move in and take over the place and act like they own it. WTF, man? Some people sure have alot of nerve and are so inconsiderate and rude! So now the neighbours all hate them and they have officially become the Neighbourhood Assholes.

 

Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

Wonderland.

Screenshot_1024 This entire weekend my hubby, the 15 YR old and the 17 YR old are away in Toronto, visiting the second-oldest before she moves to Vancouver next month, shopping, and going to Wonderland theme park, so it was just my mother, the 23 YR old, the 11 YR old, Buddy and I at home it I had a quiet break too with less people, less noise, less work,and less stress.No clocks, no schedule, just doing whatever, whenever. It was esp. nice with my hubby not here. They also met up with the 21 YR old and they were supposed to meet up with the 19 YR old as well and have a Girls’ Day Out except she couldn’t get the time off work and it was already hard enough for them all to arrange and day and co-ordinate all their schedules where they were all off and free on the same day and made plans and had to keep changing it so many times because someone had to work or wasn’t available.

The 11 YR old’s such an uber-genius as well he knows all kinds of things I have no idea about and he asked me to change a decimal to a binary number(and, of course, math has always been my worst subject!) and I’m like, Whaat? I don’t even know what a binary number even is…. (I thought nowadays the term binary had something to do with gender identity, although I’m not sure exactly what it means).I think that’s the worst thing about smart people is that they make dumb people like me feel even dumber.

BuddyEye Buddy’s eye is also looking much better now and still flattened down and hasn’t filled up again into another lump and now it just looks like a cut and I put a antibiotic cream on it several times a day. I worry about him like he’s one of my kids! I was wondering as well with my severe abdomenal pain(which is much better now although the odd time it flares up to remind me, generally as a sharp pain shooting thru and my back is still really bad) if maybe it was just my diverticulitis acting up? Remember a few months ago a CT scan showed I have it, which is basically inflamed sacs, or pouches, in the colon, and during flare-ups they can become infected. Maybe that’s what it was for the 5 days or so, esp. since I had diarrhrea,too….or maybe my hubby really is poisoning me like he said he was?Poisoning is esp. brutal on the intestines,liver, kidneys, and stomach.

I also noticed last night the entire under-side of my left leg where it bends under the knee and the entire under-side of my left thigh is a deep,dark bruise and I have some purple blotchy bruise-y areas on my arms and chest as well, almost as if my platelets are low causing me to bruise excessively, which is also a symptom of being poisoned,and I know rat poison destroys platelet cells, so your blood can’t clot and that’s how you die; you bleed out,so it just makes me wonder and I wouldn’t put it past him and he does hate me and want to get rid of me and he’s even said he puts poison in my diet cola and that he’s trying to kill me off for my life insurance $$$$(he says he’s just joking but that’s not a “joke” and with him you never know…)….

It was kind of suspicious the other day as well when I mentioned if I die the autopsy will show the cause and he said how oh, they won’t do one on me given my medical history; they’ll just assume that’s what it was and he seemed so confident, so sure, of this, and I told him that any suspicious or unexplained death they do perform autopsies to find out the cause… so don’t get so smug, asshole, thinking you can kill me and get away with murder because in my will revision I’ll request they do an autopsy(and mention my concerns why) and you will get caught!! Plus, I’ve also told my doctor and others my suspicions so I have witnesses,and I have evidence saved and hidden so if the police come looking they’ll find it and can test it for poison residue, so there’s that,too….Always make sure you have back up.

I was also outside at 8 am and heard the next door neighbours and it was a woman’s voice loudly yelling to either her husband or her kid:Get your f*cking ass down here right nowso I waited to hear a response, curious to see who she was talking to, and then I heard her again, this time less mad and more cheerful, There’s my little f*cker! and after awhile I heard a fairly deep male voice( so either her husband or teen son but not a little kid): It’s so early! I’m telling you right now I’m going right back to sleep! and then mumbling I couldn’t hear,and then the man/boy again, But I did help out! I mowed the lawn, remember? My guess: her teen son, calling him to get up and do some chores and he wanted to sleep in during his summer vacation. 🙂

The Pool Guy.

PoolGuy The pool guy FINALLY came to check our leak and I was right: it is the skimmer, just as I’d thought. Some part of it has eroded(the pool was built in 1980, remember, so it’s decades old) so the guy did a temporary fix with some cement glue thing and once it dried a few hours later told us to fill the pool and wait and see what happens; if it works or not.Of course with our luck you know it probably won’t.  If the water level stays the same we’re good, if it still leaks out, well then…. hopefully this will work, and then we can get the pump circulating again, put the chemicals in and get it cleared up, although to get it done in time before my cousins visit from Europe in 2 weeks seems unlikely. He said if this doesn’t work, however, then a total repair has to be made, and for this they have to get underground to the pipes and it takes 2-3 days to do(plus time to order-in the parts) and costs 950$ that we don’t have. Hopefully  it can at least last long enough until we move and then it can be the new owner’s problem and they can get the total repairs later? Let’s just hope this works…..  this fix only cost 50$…..The 17 YR old was running around as well asking about the pool guy, Is he hot? Is he hot? What does he look like?  and I told her, You know, he can probably hear you! and I told her if she really cared that much to just go outside and look and see for herself. Hell, truth be told, if he was that hot, I’d  be out there staring at him myself!

Buddy’s lump under his eye also also seems to look a bit smaller today,too(so maybe alot of it is just swelling?), unless I’m just imagining it,like wishful thinking, but the kids all say they think it does,too, and I was so worried about him as well I kept waking up all during the night checking on him, and making sure he was still alive and breathing, just like I do with the kids when they’re sick or hurt ( and I did constantly, all the time, when they were babies!), and the 11 YR old’s really mean, too, taunting that he’s going to die soon!! and jeers that he’s UGLY! now having the big bump on his face, etc. and I think that’s just cruel; he’s just a mean person. He’s always trying to hit him, blow in his face, throw things at him ,provoke and annoy him as well. It’s like he has this compulsion or something to be an annoying pest and to aggravate. I think there’s really something truly wrong with that kid, as in a personality disorder kind of thing.

I think my ulcer’s back again as well, likely caused by stress from worry: my stomach pain is back again, really bad today, maybe even bleeding(which would explain my black diarrhrea!), and yesterday I had bad stomach and abdomenal pain as well as a bad back AND a splitting headache. My mother also said her pain’s mostly all gone now and she’s back to normal but said the odd time she feels like something inside her is moving around and she compares the feeling to like when a dog circles round and round trying to find a comfortable position to sleep before it settles and lies down. That’s just so weird, I wonder if it’s a hernia moving around then, or part of her bowel twisting around loose or something? Hopefully the MRI in 2 weeks will have some answers.

Interesting and kind of freaky as well: the new neighbours that just moved in have the exact same black truck as the old ones that moved out AND their dog even looks the exact same, only a much bigger version, like a huge pitbull. It’s so much a carbon-copy of the other neighbour’s that it took awhile for me to even realize the new people were in; I thought it was the other neighbour’s’ still left behind until I actually saw some of them and saw they were different people! Up until then, I was stumped, thinking, Isn’t that strange? I thought they moved out? Why is one of their cars and dog still here?

I’m relieved as well my mother said that there’s no way we’re taking out a mortgage on another house if we have to move. We either downsize and  buy something smaller we can afford(and it looks  only in this area) around here we won’t be moving elsewhere, such as closer to the city where we can’t afford, the same cost or less as we get selling this house,not more, then we stay in this area and either down-size to a smaller house only in this same area we won’t be moving far, or maybe not even at all, we’ll just stay here, in this house, if we’re not going to save any $$$$ ,anyway,and that way we also still get to keep our same doctors,too. I’m glad, as my biggest worry was if we did attempt another mortgage only now we don’t have the $$$$ to pay it ( we had the $$$$ before and paid it off in 15 YRS) that we wouldn’t be able to keep up with the payments and we’d end up losing the house as it would be too unaffordable and beyond our financial means and ability.

Confused.

confused The neighbours at the corner who recently sold their house moved out. The house is empty now and the 17 YR old said she saw 2 huge moving trucks late last night around 11 pm. That’s an odd time to be moving though; you’d think it would be during the day when they’d have daylight but maybe they don’t want everyone gawking at all their stuff, even though they don’t have crappy furniture or anything to even be embarrassed about. As for us moving, I’m confused now. Before I thought we were meant to move with my hubby getting his new job near Toronto but now the realestate agent came and assessed our house at roughly 100 K less than the minimum we’d have to pay for a house elsewhere now I’m beginning to wonder if maybe we’re not meant to move afterall; if maybe that’s a sign that we’re supposed to stay here, since we obviously can’t afford to live anywhere else….

My hubby would have to take out a new mortgage to cover the extra 100K and to me it just doesn’t make any sense and it feels like we’re going backwards, not progressing forwards since we already own this house outright; it’s completely paid for, no mortgage, so then to have to go thru the process all over again after already having owned a house just seems, well,….ridiculous, and I thought the idea of moving as well was to downsize, to save $$$$, not to have to spend 100K more, esp. when we don’t have it, and it’s not just to buy the new house but we also need extra $$$$ to be able to work with too for moving expenses, such as movers, legal and realestate fees, house inspector, etc. and then there’s also the worry: what if my hubby doesn’t even  get approved for the mortgage or he isn’t able to keep up the payments and we end up losing the house? Or, is this perhaps maybe God’s way of telling my hubby to step up and help out more financially since my mother and I pay most of the bills now?

His suggestion is to just look for something that’s 100 K cheaper except there’s nothing; they start in the range that’s still 100K more than what we’d be able to get for our house here and we’re not renting, or moving to an apartment or townhouse; we’re going to downsize but we’re NOT slumming it and won’t live in the ghetto! So now I’m just really confused and don’t know what we’re supposed to do and I pray for a sign from God what He wants us to do according to His plan. Is it best for us to move….or not? There are several possibilities, too, such as just my hubby moves closer to his work and the rest of us stay here and he just comes up on weekends(that’s the one I prefer, actually, it’s the easiest and least disruptive for everyone), or him and some of the kids move up there and my mother and I and some of the kids stay behind here, or him and all of the kids move elsewhere and my mother and I stay here,or they all move and I get a small place on my own(I’d love but I know I need help and can’t make it on my own) or we all move although I don’t know how we’re ever going to afford it and if maybe that’s God’s way of telling us we’re not supposed to move but stay here.

I also had this weird dream too that the realestate agent told us he found out our house has a Heritage House designation, of historical significance and we can now get 2.1 MILLION$$$ for it, and that would be so great if we really could; then we could get a really nice place,even in Toronto, and with enough $$$$ extra left over as well and even some left for a trip,too! Neither my mother or I really want to move with all the disruption, change, hassle, stress, and inconvenience, and having to find new doctors and stuff and now that it just seems so unaffordable out of this area it looks even more discouraging and the 15 and 17 YR olds had the nerve as well to tell my mother and I to go out and get jobs to help pay for it even though she’s retired and after over 25 YRS of child rearing and homeschooling I’m retired now too and besides now we’re both old and have medical issues and I’m not skilled at anything anyway but we both thought that was very disrespectful and now I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do; if we move( and how we can afford it if we do) or not. I pray God sends me some answers….If I die soon it would solve the problem though as they could use my life insurance $$$$ and they’d have more than enough $$$, more than twice as much as they need!

The pool guys also finally did come and they think the leak is from the skimmer and would be too expensive to fix and recommend that we just fill the pool in with sand….WTF? I hate to think how much it would cost to fill in a 20X40 9 foot hole of dirt, probably even more than getting the leak fixed. At least they said they’ll have someone more qualified come take a look at it but in the meantime we still have no pool and at this rate we won’t all summer. The repairman is also coming next week for the dishwasher .Everything we have is a piece of shit(and we can’t afford repairs,either). We’d never be able to sell this place anyway; everything’s falling apart..

I also heard the neighbours behind us fighting and arguing again just like I did the other day. I was out in the backyard and from the sounds of it they must have been either in their yard or driveway and he was berating her again like last time and they reminded me so much of my hubby and I, and he was scolding her, I just asked you to do this one thing and you can’t even do that! All you do is lay around all day and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass! Sounds to me like the poor girl’s likely depressed and he has no compassion, sympathy, support or understanding for her, just like with my hubby and I. I felt so badly for her and I said a silent little prayer to God in my head for her. I know how it feels.

I heard as well Cyndi Lauper is now 65.A SENIOR CITIZEN. Holy shit that really makes me feel old because I listened to her in highschool.(I still have several of her songs in my iPod) That’s just 14 YRS older than me!  😦

 

 

Mr. Mouse.

MouseInGarbage Look what we found when we opened up the lid on our garbage can. Look really closely, in the middle, can you see it? It’s really dark in there so the photo isn’t too bright .It’s a live mouse! It’s just the cutest little thing(brown on top, white underneath) and my guess was that someone opened up the lid and it scrambled in and then the lid was shut and it got trapped in there(at least it has lots of food) but as it turned out my hubby had caught it in a mousetrap and thought it was dead, then guessed it was probably just sleeping( he seriously can’t tell the difference between something sleeping or dead? Really? I could tell even when I was just a kid!) and removed it from the trap and dumped it in the garbage can.So now we have a mouse in the garbage can and everyone’s scared to open it up so we have this live mouse in there no one knows what to do with. My hubby said to flush it down the toilet but that’s just cruel. I suggested just picking it up and tossing it back outside…then they freak out, Noooo, it’ll just find it’s way back inside!

The 11 YR old also entered a spelling bee and came in third, but only because the word was a homophone and he didn’t know which version it was(he should have asked for it to be used in a sentence) and he spelled the wrong one, and the 23 YR old painted the veranda railing only he did it in white because it was the cheapest paint, only 20$ as compared to the coloured ones that were 50$ even though it looked better the colour it was before( a burnt reddish/brown) and I thought would stay the same colour, as with the white columns it needs some contrast and now all white it looks like shit. My hubby and the girls were also talking and I interjected a comment and he growled at me that I was butting-in my opinion, like anything I have to say isn’t wanted, welcomed, valued, or appreciated, even though I was just trying to add to the conversation, be included and show interest in what they were talking about….but I got shut down like always.

I also failed again last night at yet another suicide attempt. This time I took alot of Benadryl and Trazodone  which certainly by all accounts should have worked and I even took an anti-nauseant to make sure I wouldn’t barf them up…. yet nothing and I was angry, dismayed,pissed-off, and disappointed to still wake up this morning and find myself still alive yet again. I’m such a failure and nothing ever goes right or works out for me I can’t even kill myself properly. I don’t know why God doesn’t just take me though, why He keeps me alive and keeps prolonging my suffering, pain,and misery. I can’t go on any longer and want to find peace. I also hate myself and my life and my toxic family and the way they treat me; it’s all just so hopeless and I can’t keep on doing this anymore. What’s the point? I can’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t kill myself(and they’d be glad to be rid of me,too, so everybody gets what they want)….and I keep trying and trying and pray every day to God I die….but it never works! What plans does God possibly have for my life to keep me here, despite my best efforts to finally just end it all?Maybe He just hates me, like everyone else.

As well ever since I woke up today I’m really dizzy and feel like I’m going to faint and have to keep sitting down( it’s always worse when I change positions,too, like getting up standing after laying down or sitting) and I get double blurry vision and also see these black “spots” and “lines” out of the corner of my eyes, and my chest, arms,and upper back feel heavy and weak and I keep coughing.My stomach and abdomenal pain is bad too. Chronic pain is just a part of my daily life. The neighbours 2 houses down from us also put their house up for sale, moving back to Newfoundland in July, and I met the new owner of D’s old house; she seemed nice and has a Basset Hound that’s 12 just like Buddy!

Van Halen.

VanHalen My mother and I were relaxing in the livingroom (and I had Buddy laying down snuggled up next to me as usual) listening to music and I had Van Halen playing on the Google Home Device and 3 times she told it to turn up the volume because she couldn’t hear and I kept cheering her on, You rock!! You know good music has to be played loud! as the music thumped and made the walls pulse. It was incredible, almost a bonding moment. I would love to see Van Halen play live in concert though, oh, man, what an amazing concert that would be. That would definitely be something on my Bucket List. They were one of my most-fave.listened to bands in highschool. I clearly remember buying their albums and listening to their songs on my stereo blasting my speakers and on my Walkman…God, that makes me feel so old…. I still do like them and have always loved music and once  I met my hubby  it felt like someone turned the music off in my life. I was also dismayed when I mentioned Eric Clapton and the 14 year old goes, Who’s Eric Clapton? What? Is she serious? I can’t believe she doesn’t know who he is. I mean, that just hurts me to the core and wounds my heart. I can’t believe one of my kids doesn’t know who Eric Clapton is. Is she really one of mine?

Aunt Flow also didn’t come afterall like I thought it did; when the ultrasound probe came out of my you-know-what there was blood on it so I assumed it was Aunt Flow but nothing more came after that so I guess it was just blood  from being poked around in there from the test and now I also have really bad pain in my lower left back, either a pulled muscle or it could be my kidney based on the location, plus my liver ,too; I feel sharp stabbing pain on the left side under my ribs.  I’m falling apart. The girls are also trying to convince my hubby to get them a Kitchen Aid mixer for their baking as there’s one on sale now, and they like the silver but I’ve always liked the light pink one.

The light tan brick house( that I’ve always liked and imagined renting) next door to D’s old house is also now up for sale….and for 300 000$ and it’s only 3 bedrooms and even though it is a nice house so I wonder how much we’d get for ours then with our 7 bedrooms, 3 floors, large yard, and the inground pool? She just moved 5 streets over as well so she’s still in the area and hasn’t moved too far away. It’s also mild out 5 C so I was finally able to take Buddy out for a nice long walk once again and he loved it and was sniffing everything along the way and peeing on everything(there was also an unfortunate incident last night on my carpet) and with my sore back/kidney he’s extra attentive of me as well and is staying close-by me even more than usual and is more protective and guarding than usual, and he’s pawing at me and whines, like he can sense I’m hurt and he’s not letting me too far out of his sight. He’s so sweet. I love him so much. He really is my best friend.I wonder too with kidney and liver failure if maybe my hubby really is poisoning me? What else would explain it, esp. when there doesn’t seem to ever be any medical cause for it????????????????