Awesome!

HippoShirtShelfies

Check this out! I finally found the awesome hippo shirt I’ve been looking for! There’s this online place that makes T-shirts and stuff and lets you create your own they custom-make for you using the photo images you send in, incl. your own face if you want.They have short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and even do pillows! I decided on the short sleeve as this way I can wear it all year in both summer and winter but the long sleeve only in winter, plus the short-sleeve one costs less. This was the perfect answer to my dilemma of never being able to find a hippo shirt with hippos all over the shirts, front, back, sleeves, everywhere…..but this is!It’s also made of the stretchy polyester material I fondly remember having shirts of as a kid in the 70’s so for me it’s nostalgic,too. So, this will be my Christmas gift from my hubby. We always do it this way as he never knows what to get me anyway(he knows I like and collect hippo things, for example, but he can’t remember which ones I already have or not) and this way he knows I like it, it’s the right size, the right style or colour, etc. I just give him the bill. ūüôā

One day a week for the next several weeks my hubby’s also in Toronto all day taking a course for work to upgrade and I¬†don’t see him all day and it’s¬†wonderful! It feels like such a huge weight’s lifted off where I can just relax and not always feel on edge like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and where I can literally¬†feel my stress level go¬†waaayy down with him not here getting in my way, getting in my face, always putting me down, cutting me off, upstaging me, proving me wrong, embarrassing me, dismissing me, devaluing me, being condescending to me, humiliating me, insulting me, etc. and I really¬†enjoy that day each week; it feels like my special Day Off, a stress-break, freedom, a sense of relief and,¬†Oh, good, he’s gone all day! Today’s the day he’s gone! I also had the job of manually expressing Buddy’s impacted anal sacs today.¬†My life is so glamorous. Ha ha.

 

Seventeen.

Screenshot_797¬†I saw this recent issue of¬†Seventeen¬†magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even¬†under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the¬†Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes¬† and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the¬†shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t¬†believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I¬†still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the¬†inside that I always was,¬† and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the¬†outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my¬†inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my¬†body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

I Remember.

Screenshot_675¬†I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still¬†can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her.¬†She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683¬†Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676¬†In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my¬†Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the¬†Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and¬†people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677¬†The¬†best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just¬†stay there forever. It was¬†the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679¬†Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and¬†I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only¬†forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.

Slices Of Life.

Screenshot_482¬†This is so weird: I must be¬†really losing it: I was looking on my daily calendar I have on my computer and I noticed I’d had noted I’d had something checked off that I’d done on 19 September but then I thought to myself,¬†Well, how can that be possible? It’s not even the 19th yet! That’s not until next week….am I in some sort of time warp, or what? and so I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend this and I just sat there staring at the calendar and then it finally hit me,¬†Oh, wait a minute….we’re already into the last week of September! The 19 was last week! Generally I don’t know what day it is(Like,¬†What day is today, anyway? Is it Wednesday or Thursday?) but this has taken it to a whole new level. I’m such a space cadet. It was funny as well the 17 YR old had just walked in the door coming back from work and then she went out again(I presume to the corner store or something quick) which I wasn’t aware of…..only to walk right back in the door again less than 10 minutes later and when I asked¬†Who is that? Who are all these people that keep coming thru our door? the 11 YR old said it was her and when I said she’d already came back he cracked,¬†It’s The Second Coming.

My friend A (from Ottawa) his aunt(who is originally from Chile along with the rest of the family but she now lives in Ottawa) also turned 100 years old and the Ambassador of Chile came and visited her and brought her flowers and a commemorative plaque! How cool is¬†that? She lives in a nursing home now and the poor woman’s so frail now she’s in a wheelchair with her head crooked to one side but I still remember her from over some 30 years ago, and she made the BEST turkey stuffing ever! We had Christmas dinner at their house one year and it was amazing. It was sad too how my friend told me how she had a Great Love once but he was killed in the war and after that she stayed a spinster. They always called her¬†Tia,¬†Spanish for¬†Aunty.

Buddy’s lump under his eye also looks¬†bigger again now, leading to me wonder if it might be an allergy or plugged sinus as if it¬†was a tumour of some sort it wouldn’t keep getting bigger¬†and¬† smaller and then disappearing and then coming back and then getting smaller again and then bigger…..it would just¬†stay there permanantly and keep growing bigger. I’m also trying bit by bit, piece by piece, to try and connect with the person I once was, the¬†Old Me that was happy and knew how to laugh and smile and have fun, sort of like trying to find my¬†Inner Child again in a way, to reconnect with who I was, who I used to be, who I miss and wish I was again in which feels like almost another life, ages ago, before all the traumas, before all the brokenness, before all the damage.

Now the 15 and 17 YR old are playing on my worries, anxieties,and fears as well by saying that the 19 YR old’s BF is a¬†typical arrogant rich boy and that he’s¬†not a nice or a good person and he’s¬†just like all her¬†other friends, implying¬† good-looking, popular, mean, elitist, looking down on others less attractive or deemed less “worthy”, and bullying, the exact kind I can’t stand, the exact kind that tormented and bullied¬†me in school, the exact way I did¬†NOT raise my kids to be OR to hang out with and they also said that he¬†doesn’t ‘let’¬† her be with her friends which concerns me and is a red-flag warning to posessive, controlling behaviour and an indication of future abusive behaviour/ domestic violence as they¬† first isolate the victim.

I’ve only met him briefly, once, when he picked her up, only for a couple of minutes, but my hubby’s spent some time with him so I asked him what his impression was and all he said when I asked if there’s any actual¬†truth to it or if they’re just trying to start drama and to make me worry was¬†He’s, well…..different from us…. and when I asked how, different in what way, he goes,¬†I don’t know….just….different but knowing him that might just mean that he’s cultured, polite,and has manners or something,too, or maybe he’s¬† just neater, or more ordered or something, less chaotic or messy as compared to us., in a good way…or, maybe the guys’ just normal and doesn’t come from a weird, crazy family like ours and he doesn’t know what to make of it ?Why do they keep¬†doing things like this to me though? Why do they keep saying things they know will cause me panic, distress, worry, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and so on? it’s just not right,and it’s cruel, is what it is and I’m just left not ever knowing what’s true and what isn’t and even now the kids are older and away from home with their own lives I¬†don’t¬†stop worrying about them I just can’t¬†do anything about it anymore to try and protect them and keep them safe(other than prayers)…..and¬†that’s what¬†really worries me.¬†I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

So now I worry I may(assuming what I’ve been told is even true, that is…) have 2 kids that sell drugs and another in an unhealthy possibly abusive relationship on¬†top of¬†all the other shit in my life and stress. No wonder I have high BP and stomach ulcers!!

Orange.

Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM¬†The 10 YR old was playing¬†Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to¬†The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking¬†No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality¬†gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with¬†ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.

 

 

Running.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 05.11 PM¬†It seems that I’ve been running my entire life. Always wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, restless, longing, wanting to run away from who I am, from myself, from where I am, always wanting to be someone else; anyone else rather than me, reinventing myself, trying to run away from and escape my life, myself, all the trauma and pain in my life, trying to escape all my self-loathing and self hatred, my lack of self confidence and self-esteem. I have been running from my enemy, from my past, from my memories, myself, my hurt, my pain, my brokenness, my life.

It started when I was molested as a kid from ages 4-12, and then from the years of bullying as a young teen,and then only carried on, continued,and worsened with being rejected and unloved, outcast and undesirable as an adult, plus trying to hide and run away from my Asperger’s, social phobia, bipolar, and depression, and all the traumas, misfortunes, bad luck, failures, failed hopes and dreams, disappointments, and general overall misery and¬† f*cked-up-ed-ness in life, it just took a toll after awhile until I couldn’t do it anymore and just shut down, eventually dropping out of life pretty much completely.

Just keep running….

That’s why I look forward so much to Heaven. I will be healed and made whole. I won’t look like this or feel like this anymore. I will accept myself and maybe, just¬†maybe, even be able to love myself, or if not, at least be okay with myself and with being me, and not be beaten down by self hatred and always wanting to run away from who I am, change who I am, hide who I am, re-do who I am, etc. I will feel loved, valued, included, good enough, welcome, a sense of belonging,self acceptance, worthy, happy, fitting in, and everything else that I’ve never felt here in my life. I will no longer have the instinctual need to run and hide in fear from danger; I will instead have something to run¬†to and not¬†away from,and no one will ever make fun of me or make me feel badly about myself ever again. I will find peace.