I Remember.

Screenshot_675 I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683 Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676 In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677 The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679 Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.


Screenshot_233  I can’t believe it’s Labour Day already, the end of summer! I was also thinking how it’s weird the odd things that we remember from the past, from our childhood, even things that don’t matter much to us in our daily lives or have much impact on us,and one of those things is the Beothuk Indians. I still remember learning about them in grade 7, the now extinct tribe from Newfoundland, and I remember first hearing the word, thinking, Beothuk? Wow…what a cool name! I love it! probably because thuk sounds like  someone with a speech impediment trying to say, F*ck. I also clearly remember in grade 3 when my friend D (who ended up 6 feet tall by the time she was 12 and was not surprisingly on the basketball team in highschool) sat on J’s leg and broke it and she had to hobble along on a walking cast and crutches for weeks, or the matching blue knit ponchos my Babushka made for my doll and I, doodling with markers all over my arms as a kid and getting into alot of trouble for it from my mother,eating the bottom of the pointed ice cream cone first and sucking all the ice cream out that way(my mother hated), crushing tin cans on the bottoms of my feet and clomping along with them on my feet like horsehoes(my mother absolutely loathed) laughing my ass off seeing a pickle stuck to a wall at McDonald’s, digging my toes in the clay in the bottom of the creek at the cottage when I was 4-5, learning to roller skate at the cemetary, etc. it’s just funny the things you remember, so random.

Screenshot_199 Look what I also found at the Ex last week! An Astro Pop! I haven’t seen or had one of these since the 80’s when I was a teen.I used to just be able to buy them at the corner store. I even oddly had a dream about one the night before I found this. I can’t believe I found it! It cost 5$ but what the hell. I deserve a treat every now and then and besides, it’s nostalgic! I enjoyed every lick of it and remembered it sticking to my teeth and savoured every single flavour and even saved it for one of my Weed Days so I could enjoy it even more when my senses are enhanced.

As well, I had that same hallucination again today,too: seeing that same hot guy walk by shirtless, tan, and with abs of steel. It must be a hallucination too as no guy can possibly be that fine, esp. not around here. I finally saw my neighbour L too and she said the fire trucks weren’t for her the other day but rather for next door; they were just parked in front of her place, and she told me her dog(he’s 12 like Buddy) had a dental infection and had all his teeth removed….and it cost a whopping 2000$! Shit! I wonder where she got that kind of $$$$ from or if she even had to take out a loan? I couldn’t even afford that for my own dental care, let alone for a dog, and, in fact, my mother only has a couple of teeth left; they’ve all rotted and fallen out but she doesn’t have a dental plan and doesn’t have the $$$$$ to pay for dental work.Luckily for my hubby, the kids,and I we have coverage from my hubby’s work that covers 80% of the cost, otherwise we’d be S.O.L. too.

Screenshot_241 This is also the new tie-dye skirt I got at the Ex. I keep looking for the past 4 years or so and I finally found it. Tie-dye shirts are easy enough to find but not the skirts or socks.I just love tie-dye. It’s one of my faves. I’m an old hippie! The one fabric and pattern I wouldn’t be caught dead in though is black lace or animal prints; so trashy and tacky! My anxiety’s been really bad lately as well it keeps me up late at night and I can’t sleep( I couldn’t fall asleep last night until Midnight) and my nails are chewed right down to stubs and I also had a feeling I’m going to die this week, the first week of September( unlesss it’s just wishful thinking, ha,ha) and so I asked a prayer to God to send me a specific sign if so: that I see something orange(as it’s not a colour you see too often), and that I see something orange in church yesterday(and my hubby wasn’t here to drive me and with the humidex it was 38 C and I had to walk), not incl. leaves which would be too easy now fall is near…..and I saw 2 guys walking by separately both wearing orange shirts….and then in church I saw another guy wearing an orange shirt and another guy with an orange hat!OK, then….



Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM The 10 YR old was playing Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.



Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty.

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 07.54 AM Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. That’s me! It was my alter ego I invented when I was a kid. She was a grown-up version of me and she was beautiful, strong, brave, confident,independent, courageous, lived in a castle and was married to a handsome prince, you know, the typical little girl fantasy. I don’t know where I got the Peacock Dynasty part from, I guess it just fell out of my imagination, maybe because peacocks are so pretty, perhaps? I would go into my head and become this character whenever I was sad or lonely, or when I felt afraid, self-conscious, vulnerable, bullied, etc. as it gave me the inner strength, afterall I was the Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty, I could do anything and I was strong and brave and fearless and nothing could stop me  and I was destined for great things. I was no ordinary kid. I was special. I was chosen. I was different than everyone else. I was a princess. Even sometimes now I still need to remind myself that I am Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. I still need that reminder, that ego boost, to get thru. It makes me laugh to think about it now, but who knows…..it might just still work. In any case, it will lighten my mood when the days are dark.

As well, at the clinic yesterday the NP said it was a good call putting the 14 YR old on the Prozac, which was my idea all along, right from the beginning,and I had to practically twist their arm to finally get done, but she said she can see the difference it’s making too and it was a good idea to get her on it( yes, I know, and I’m just glad she’s starting to feel better) but she’s lost a bit of weight, likely due to all her physical activity lately( swimming, biking, walking) and she’s grown taller too so now her ideal weight has changed so now she’s 8 pounds underweight and we have to add stuff to her meals and increase her portions to get her weight up, since she had been gaining but now she’s more levelling off,and the therapist wasn’t there this week so no family therapy so I wasn’t stressed out and didn’t feel singled-out, ganged-up on, attacked, or blamed this week so I got a bit of a break! Yay!

I also saw some hollyhocks which I haven’t seen around in years and it brought back happy memories of my childhood, when I used to see them everywhere all the time, and I saw signs of fall already,too, even though it’s still the middle of August and summer’s not over yet: I saw a Monarch butterfly and some leaves turning orange! I’m feeling really sweaty again as well but I can’t tell if it’s just the hot weather or if it’s hot flashes with menopause,and whenever I ask if it’s anyone else or just me my mother always says it’s just me(even if it isn’t) because she’s too cheap and doesn’t want me to put the A/C on!!

I also think the guy across the street (who’s a highschool teacher) has hostages in his basement. He just seems to be this weird, solitary guy that keeps to himself and he lives all alone in that big brick house and never has any company and he never talks to anybody; he doesn’t even wave hi to any of the neighbours, and no one knows anything about him, and he’s super nerdy wearing a belt with suspenders and he’s balding and has glasses….just seems to be a really creepy guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did keep hostages down in his basement, you know, like on those CSI or Criminal Minds TV shows. It wouldn’t surprise me one day if police vans and the SWAT team swarm the place and arrest him and it’s all over the news how he’s kept people prisoner in his house all these years……either that or I watch too many crime shows on TV….  😀

Tahitian Treat.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.01 PM For lunch yesterday I had a donair…..and a Tahitian Treat pop, which I haven’t seen in ages, since I was a teenager, so having it again was going back to my childhood! I remember when my friend S and I were 12 we’d get these all the time, although I’m pretty sure it was called Tahiti Treat at the time, and I remember it was her fave. pop and I even had a lip gloss that flavour! I love it sooo much and I couldn’t believe it when I saw the donair place had them! I’ve never seen them anywhere and didn’t think they sold them anymore! It was like a blast from the past. It’s basically a carbonated fruit punch, or a fruit punch soda/pop. My hubby stopped by on the way back from the clinic for chicken and the donair place is right next door, and it’s been months since I’ve had one, at least since the winter, so……of course there was this huge line-up though and it’s this small store; it’s take-out only( or as they call it in the UK take-away) and no tables or chairs and there were 7 military guys from the base plus another guy all ahead of me in line…..oh, doesn’t it just figure? But I got my donair…….and a Tahitian Treat,too!

The app’t at the clinic only lasted an HR (instead of 2 HRS) this week but then we got stuck in traffic on the highway for 45 minutes due to construction so we still weren’t home much earlier…figures…and my hubby of course was doing his usual distracted driving where he actually puts on deoderant and clips his fingernails while driving and I always tell him it’s distracted driving and unsafe( and illegal and if the cops ever see him he’s going to get a massive fine, like hundreds of dollars) but he just always blows me off and acts like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t drive(and also because he thinks I’m stupid and dismissive of anything I say)…..but I do know what’s dangerous, and I do know you’re always supposed to keep your eyes(and attention) ahead of you, on the road,and keep both hands on the steering wheel! My God, he’s going to get us into an accident one day….

At the clinic we have 2 new therapists there now,too, and the new social worker kept saying again how I can’t form attachments with people and I let them know that I have formed strong bonds, attachments, connections, and friendships fine with other people; I just have problems with people who abuse me and with toxic relationships, and they also saying that everyone’s issues with trust, relationships, security, etc. come from attachments(or lack of) they formed early in life with their mother, so , in other words, if you’re emotionally f*cked up or have trouble with relationships later in life it’s your mother’s fault which I think is a bunch of shit. I agree the early bond has some affect on your personality and emotional development to some degree, but not entirely and you can’t blame your mother for everything,and it’s everything in your entire life, and due to your environment, experiences, and interactions with other people too and life events and traumas that mold you and either damage you or build your confidence.Me for instance, not only feeling rejected and unwanted by my parents but I was also rejected and bullied my  peers as well, and by the opposite sex, and then bullied and excluded by my own kids,too, so it all adds up, plus endless traumas, on top of my Asperger’s, bipolar, etc.. all combined that broke me, not simply because I’m not close to my mother.That was just one factor.

They also kept denying that the Prozac is responsible this early for the positive changes both my mother and I have noticed in the 14 YR old; she noticed that she’s not so grumpy and mean, and I noticed she now has  a “spark”, a “light” and a “brightness” about her that she didn’t before, and with me it only took a few days for the medication to start taking effect, but they wouldn’t give it any credit and kept insisting instead it was due to her behaviour modification techniques and that she’s doing things she enjoys, like swimming and bike riding. They also said if I feel excluded from my family to go along and do things with them that I don’t like and I’m not interested in but that they are, to put my own interests aside, and just force myself to go, such as going to Fan Expo, a nerd-fest like Comic-Con for anime, sci-fi and comic nerds where they dress up as their fave. characters….so not my thing and I find stupid and boring…..why should I be forced to do something I don’t want to do?(plus, they don’t want me along anyway and have a better time without me) I don’t feel left out not going to Fan Expo because I  don’t want  to go there, and I am allowed to have my own separate interests, I don’t have to change to conform to what they want me to be in order to fit in; I mean I feel excluded from the family because they never tell me anything, never include me in discussions  or decisions,ask for or value my input or opinion, keep secrets from me, have their own little “club” I’m not invited to,their own little “inside” jokes they won’t let me in on, that kind of thing. I’m getting really fed up with the way the clinic seems to be blaming everything on me and being so dismissive of medication and being so solely focused on the behaviour modification even though it’s clearly not working, and they want me to do stuff I don’t like and don’t want to do and have zero interest in doing just to fit in and to appease a toxic family that abuses me and doesn’t want me around in the first place.

Yeah…..I don’t think so. If they keep attacking me, saying everything’s my fault, criticizing me every week, and trying to force me to be something I’m not when all I want is for my toxic family to stop demoralizing me I’m probably just going to stop going to the sessions altogether. Just my hubby and the 14 YR old can go from now on.  I don’t need this shit. I really don’t. I don’t need them tearing me down, too.They also neglected to realize that it’s my family that pushed me away first  with the disparaging way they treat me and that the more they push me out the more I retreat. At this point I just try to stay away from them as best I can simply to avoid conflict. Besides, why would I even want to be with people who treat me like shit? With my Asperger’s I’m aware that I do have a different way of seeing things, understanding things, processing things, interpreting things, etc. than others do but I still do have feelings and I don’t want to be around people that abuse me.

The Chair.

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 01.17 PM 001

I love this chair. It’s in one of the therapist’s offices at the eating disorders clinic we take the 14 YR old to. I just shrieked with joy when I saw it and quickly claimed it as my spot for the session. It brings back so many happy nostalgic memories of my childhood in the 70’s. This one’s either bamboo or wicker and the social worker said it was a gift from her husband and that he got it at Pier One Imports which makes sense since they’re known for their wicker furniture. The one I remember from my childhood that I liked to used to curl up in and fall asleep in was also round like this although I think it might have been plastic though although I can’t be sure, and the cushion was a bright orange, either velour or velvet, I can’t remember. I also remember my colourful bean-bag chairs as well that I had and loved. I don’t currently have room in my bedroom now, but I did make a mental note that if we do move again( and my hubby and mother are talking about it and thinking about it) I will buy myself another chair like this for my room, like I had all those years ago and loved. Awww….sweet memories…..

As well, my hubby got the new Google Home device( it links up with other electronics such as your phone, TV, etc.) and adds items to your shopping list, gives you information, turns on the TV and even puts specific stuff for you, gives you weather,plays games, etc. and he’s just like a kid with a new toy. He always has to have all the newest and latest electronics and tech gadgets as soon as they come out! Me, not so much. They’re too complicated for me and they just frustrate me. I don’t even have a cell phone. All I have are the computer and the iPod. The pool guys also can’t come back until next week to fix the pool and the green murky swamp really reeks and stinks like a sewer but my hubby tried(at my suggestion) and he was able to get the pump started so at least now the water’s circulating which should help and when they come back they can put the necessary chemicals in and get the ladder and railing put up. They estimated it’ll take 15 big jugs of “shock” ( liquid chlorine) as well as all the other usual opening chemicals to get it clean, clear, and blue again!

$$$$$$$$$$$….. money pit…..money pit…

The 18 YR old also went to her BFF’s graduation last night and today she left on the train to see her BF again and is going to be spending the long Canada Day weekend with him and going to the festivities at Parliament Hill in Ottawa which worries me as with the big 150th celebration I’m worried it might be targeted for a terrorist attack, with something like half a million people there, and they tend to go for large groups, like that concert and the soccer stadium….. also he’ll be teaching at the same Cadets camp as her as well(which is where they first met,too, at Cadets camp) so they’ll be together all summer,too, which I think is so romantic and sweet and even when she goes off to school to Ottawa in the fall he lives in a town not too far from Ottawa so they’ll still be able to get to see eachother alot.

The 2 boys in Edmonton also got new jobs, and in July the 14 YR old goes to performing arts camp in Toronto and my hubby said he’s staying in Toronto most of the month with her,too, staying at the second-oldest’s place, so it will also be a break for me,too, with him gone for pretty much an entire month and not here to belittle, demean, insult, or put me down,I’ll feel so free, and also a break for a month from having to plan, prepare, serve, and monitor the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks,too, which I’ve been doing, all on my own, for the past 3 months now and it is alot of work so a little break will be nice and most welcome and appreciated.

At the 14 YR old’s app’t the other day the NP also asked her if she likes Toronto and she said she does and the NP said she doesn’t and can’t wait to get out of there as soon as possible and my hubby agreed with her saying he hates the city and I said how I love it and miss city life; that I grew up there and had a life there, and I really miss it, and my hubby snarked how you can’t do anything there and I told him I did lots of things there; O’Keefe Centre, Massey Hall, Centre Island, CNE, great shopping, restaurants, festivals, and I love and miss the diversity and culture,etc… I’ll always be a City Girl…..and he’ll always be a redneck.