10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Shirley Fall.

Screenshot_692 It is surely fall. This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Yes, that’s right, it was below freezing!  When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk we froze our asses off. I put his warm wool sweater on him and I had to wear my heavy wool sweater, hat and mitts! I also finally took the A/C out of my window the other day as the cold wind blowing thru the cracks made my bedroom freezing cold during the night and last night I still even had to have my little heater on in my room and the furnace even came on for the first time too! It’s officially fall now,and you can tell it looks and feels like it now, all dull, cold, windy, rainy, with coloured leaves all over and you can smell and fell a briskness and chill in the air.

Winter is coming!

Screenshot_693 Another sign of fall: now I’m wearing leggings and thick warm socks. No more shaving my legs or nail polish on my toenails anymore now until spring.My legs hibernate over the winter. I wish I could,too.

Screenshot_694 Look! Pumpkin cheesecake! We had this for our Sunday dessert yesterday. It was just so good, it was beyond words.It’s a good thing it wasn’t a Weed Day or else I probably would have eaten the whole thing. In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting in front of me who had this tattoo on the back of his neck and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it said but I never could as the script wasn’t in English and usually I’m pretty good with languages but I couldn’t figure this out and didn’t even recognize it what language it was, the letters look almost inverted, reversed and upside down, so maybe it was some sort of gang symbolism or something, I don’t know….it was almost like some sort of secret code and I spent the entire hour trying to figure it out. It doesn’t take much to amuse me, ha,ha.

My hubby and the girls were making fun of me as well as I got the A-B-C order mixed up and thought M came before L and that I always have to recite the Alphabet Song to remember and figure out which letter comes next and they laugh at me and call me stupid even though I have White Matter Decline(which is similar to Alzheimer’s but affects a different part of the brain) and can’t help it, but they like to say it’s because I’m a pothead, because then they can blame me for it and make me look bad,shame me, and say it’s my own dumb fault, and they’re always talking about Satan’s Day (Halloween) around me,too, purposely knowing it gets me upset as I don’t want anything to do with the occult and I avoid it and then they mock and ridicule me for my religious faith and obedience(to stay away from anything occult) but I just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction, and just consider where it comes from.It doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a reply.I just pretend I don’t even hear them or just walk away. I care more about what God thinks(and thinks of me) than what they think,anyway.

Occult Symbols.

Screen Shot 10-15-17 at 07.22 PM The 16 YR old baked cookies with an occult symbol on them( seen here) even though she knows nothing occult is allowed in the house out of respect for God as this is a Christian home and the Bible says you have to choose to follow God or Satan; you can’t follow both, and we are also told to avoid everything to do with the occult, incl. Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) and any occult symbols such as the Jack ‘O Lantern yet she continues to defy me and she also had this glittery Jack ‘O Lantern occult decoration in her room as well and she said was for a friend, for her birthday( yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, as in, My friend needs advice,  or I’m just holding them  for a friend… yeah…..right…) so I told her in that case then to just put it in a bag and hide it away somewhere until her birthday and then give it to her but we are not to display any thing occult or have any occult symbols in this house, and if they do then I will get rid of them,and she was really mouthy, snotty, and talking back, being really defiant and disrespectful, and saying she’ll “throw out Jesus” then, etc. and snarking that it’s just my rule, no one else cares….what, so if it’s just me then it’s just to be ignored, defied,disobeyed, dismissed, who cares? I don’t think so, you little brat, and I told her if she brings in any more occult things I’m taking her phone away. I’m really tired of her and her attitude and one thing I will not tolerate is blasphemy.

I don’t think they realize(or care) how symbols have great significance and meaning, how powerful they are, what they represent, and why it’s so important to keep our home free from any occult influences. Think about the Swastika, for example, or the Confederate or the ISIS flags; what comes to mind when you see them? They symbolize something; something bad, not something you’d be proud to be associated with or would want to proudly display in your home. It’s the same way with the occult. It’s like inviting demons into your home! We don’t have many rules and this isn’t asking too much and as long as they live here, they obey the rules. The kids have broken me and beaten me down now to the point where I’ve all but given up and I have no authority, say,respect, and they just laugh in my face and ignore me and just do whatever they want while mocking me, but this is something that I will never back down on; when it comes to spiritual matters; I will not allow them to disrespect God or to bring the occult into our home.They will never take my faith from me.

The 22 YR old also kept coming into my room during the night trying to kidnap Buddy and I kept waking up so I didn’t sleep well (he’s just sooooo annoying) and my mother announced we will be moving next summer and she wants to get a bungalow as she can’t go up and down the stairs,and I have a hard time,too, but I hate bungalows, but hopefully I’ll be dead by then anyway and I won’t have to worry about it, and I should get my biopsy results this week,too, and she said they only call if something shows up so no news is good news and if they call then you know they found something. The main reason my mother and hubby said they want to move(as well as downsizing now we have less kids at home) is also to force the 22 YR old out to get his own place as he’s still living here at home and refuses to leave but when we move he has to move out, which I think is a mean tactic, but that’s what Patti also did to get her son to move out,too; she  just moved.

The leaking roof is even worse now as well and now I can see it leaking in 3 spots and we had alot of rain and now it’s soaked the towels we put on the floor to absorb the water, and the heavy rain and 100 km winds were really bad but luckily it was while I was at church and in-between when I had to walk there and back so it wasn’t raining while I was walking, and I know that was God looking out for me. Others would deny it and say it was just coincidence or just luck but I know better. I have faith and I know He answers prayer and cares about His faithful people. I know He cares about me and takes care of me and watches over me and that He loves me even when no one else does and that He must see something in me no one else does because even though my family makes me feel unlovable I still matter to God. I also have this suspicious feeling that the kids don’t really go to church Sunday mornings either but probably just walk over to Tim Horton’s or something and hang out there instead and just say they went to church. Someday I should go over there and spy on them just to have the satisfaction of catching them in the act…. I’d just love to see the look on their faces…..

 

Solar Eclipse.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.22 AM We had a full solar eclipse yesterday, but in this area we only got 70% of it although I never saw any difference; it never got dark or anything but I did stay inside all afternoon( and kept Buddy indoors,too) and watched a movie rather than being outside like I usually am. I just saw it on the news. If you look directly at the sun during an eclipse you can go blind, and after each one you always hear on the news about a couple of morons who still did anyway and lost their vision. BTW, the movie Dunkirk was really intense(and you can almost feel the experience, such as escaping from the torpedoed ship and the panic they must have felt) after you’ve had weed. It also turned it into a 3-D movie, as I had to take an extra dose for pain since after walking around at the Ex all day everything hurt so bad;  my legs, my back, my hips, my thighs… I could hardly even walk and was all bent over like an old crone…..I’m all buggered up…..I just wanted to lay down and roll around all over on a sheet of plastic smeared with A5-35. Weed works better for pain,cramps, and headaches even better than Tylenol. It just relaxes all your muscles and you can literally feel all the tension melt away.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.26 AM The kids were really over-reacting about the eclipse,too: they had black-out curtains on their windows, refused to go outside at all,and the 14 YR old was walking around all day shrouded in a towel, covering up her face like a burka. For the past 3 nights trying to settle to sleep Buddy and I have both been really restless and agitated as well and have trouble falling asleep,and I keep tossing and turning and lay awake for HRS trying to fall asleep and keep waking up,and he keeps running up to me and whimpering so I wonder if it’s the atmosphere of the eclipse affecting us? I expected during it he would react like he does during a thunderstorm too but it didn’t seem to bother him. I remember when I was a kid too, age 12 or so, walking home from school during an eclipse,making sure I never looked up at the sky,always looking down at the sidewalk.

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While I was away all day the other day one of the kids dyed Buddy’s tail a bright red,too!(probably because they know his tail is my fave. part on him) I know it was either the 14 or 16 YR olds(I ‘m pretty sure the 16 YR old….) but they both lied and denied it even though they didn’t even hide the evidence: his dog leash was up in the bathroom on the counter and red-dye stained wash cloth and towel still in the bathroom,and did they really think I’d believe that he dyed it himself? I mean, really? Then one finked on the other one and then they both blamed eachother. My hubby also always belittles and berates me for repeating myself too even though it’s due to my Asperger’s and I can’t help it and I’m not even aware I’m doing it, and he always harps and criticizes how I’m annoying,too, but you know what?  think he’s annoying,too!

Whenever I try to include myself into their little “circle”, conversations, discussions, activities, etc. they just reject me, push me out and discourage me anyway, snarking things such as Shut-up! Mind you own business! No one was talking to you! No one cares what you think! etc. making me withdraw even more and want to try even less and to just try to avoid them, and then they wonder why I’d rather be on my own than join them when they treat me like that,  and the kids and my hubby often bring up topics they know bug me, such as Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) and other occult anti-God stuff too so instead of fighting about it , playing their little games, letting them get me all riled up, “feeding” off it, allowing myself to be “played” or used as their “pawn” I simply either just walk away or put on my ear phones and crank up my music and tune them out and just ignore them….and then they wonder why I avoid and ignore them, and my hubby complains my music’s “too loud” too when he blasts the TV way louder than my music, and the kids also like to torment me by hiding my stuff to (1) make me think I’m losing my mind (2) drive me crazy (3) make me question my own sanity (4) annoy me, and then they accuse me of always being high and losing it myself and forgetting where I put it. They set me up. My family sucks. They deserve eachother…..but I don’t.

The Loaner.

screen-shot-10-31-16-at-09-02-am This is our loaner car while our van is in the shop for repair. It even has heated seats and steering wheel! Oooh, how swank! It’s a different model than ours, but still has 7 seats like ours, and it oddly has a Quebec license plate! The kids don’t like it and think it’s “ugly” because it’s white(?????) but I think it looks nice,and it looks new,too. Ours won’t be ready until the 11th as the damage is extensive. The part didn’t arrive until yesterday and it’s been at least a couple of weeks since the accident so now it can finally get fixed at long last. I’m just glad that we have a car in the meantime; can you imagine going that long without one?

As well, yesterday the oldest and the 18 YR old in Edmonton sent me smart-alecky e-mails on “Satan’s Day” with the message: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! MAY SATAN’S DARKNESS BLESS YOU AND GUIDE YOU ON THIS HOLY DAY. to get me all riled up ,and when I was walking Buddy a neighbour also wished me a “Happy Hallowe’en!” so I just told her, “We don’t celebrate that!” Ugh.  I’m just so glad that’s over for another YR! I also had a dream last night I was supposed to move back to my old Toronto house( again) and kept waiting,and waiting, and waiting,and days passed, and it turned out my mother had made an offer but the current owners never responded to it yet….I wonder if it’s symbolic of me in real life praying to God every night to die? I ask Him to take my life as I’m just waiting  to die…..yet nothing happens…it’s like I make an “offer” and He doesn’t reply…and so I wait…

I also had an argument with my friend F ( who I have known since we were 12 and he’s now an accountant) on Facebook: he was mad at one of his FB friends who posted they immigrated here but regret it due to the too-high taxes and he told them if they don’t like it to go back where they came from( sounding like the rhetoric from a racist redneck Canadian even though he’s an immigrant himself; he moved here from China with his family when he was a kid!) and I agreed with his other friend; taxes here are way too high(we are one of the most highest taxed countries in the world) and it’s not uncommon for immigrants to move here and then become disillusioned and regret it once they arrive and find out that it’s not what they’d expected, thought it was, or were led to believe(I know someone who hated it and went back after only a few months, and another who stayed but hates the racism she faces); it’s not the wonderful place it makes itself out to be and thinks it is, and portrays itself out to be to prospective immigrants,with the high taxes, unaffordable housing and living costs, police abuses, treatment of Native people, blatant racism , prevalent anti-immigration attitudes, Fascist Nanny-State gov’t. and policies, etc. and many new immigrants regret their decision and want to go back but they have no $$$$ to as they spent it all to come  here so they’re just stuck…..

….and then he rips into me saying, “Canada’s not good enough for you?”(actually, no, it’s not, and I was thinking more along the lines of Europe, Australia, New Zealand, or the Caribbean) and “If you don’t like it, then move” and I said I wish I could but I can’t afford to move,and he says it’s due to “poor $$$$ management” and NOT due to taxes or the country…..uh, excuse me? It’s NOT poor $$$ management(we don’t even have $$$ to manage!) when mortgage or rent takes 50% of people’s income,monthly  hydro bills are 600$, and income tax takes 40%; no one can afford to live! I half-expected him to un-friend me, even though it’s childish to un-friend someone just because you disagree with them, but he did un-friend a mutual friend of ours over a disagreement last YR.but so far he hasn’t….sheesh….some people…and you’d think he’d be more understanding to other immigrants,too!

Satan’s Day.

Due to it’s occult nature we don’t celebrate “Satan’s Day” (Hallowe’en). It’s not uncommon among true Christians, once they realize the true meaning of it to not celebrate it. Muslims also don’t for the same reason. In the Bible we are commanded to avoid anything to do with the occult(such as ouija boards, seances, tarot cards, mediums, fortune tellers, psychics,spells and curses, witchcraft, Satanism,horoscopes, etc.), and this most certainly incl. the most demonic day of the YR, the “holiest” day for Satanists, Wiccans,pagans, etc. and also the day the “veil” between here and the spirit world is thinnest and it’s easier for demons to be summoned to come over.(Why do you think the Catholic Church has All Saints Day just the day after on 1 November? To counter-act the evil from the day before!) It’s basically like celebrating Satan’s birthday party and lately has so much publicity ,consumerism, and popularity almost as much as Christmas! Satan is deceptive and disguises it as “harmless fun” and “everyone is doing it….” It’s banned in our home as we follow and worship God, NOT Satan and the demons, and we don’t glorify Satan, witchcraft,and the occult in any way, shape, or form….even if everyone else is doing it (whether they realize it or not.)

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I can’t wait for this evil day to finally be over and then I won’t have to keep hearing about it for another YR! I’m just soooo sick of seeing it and hearing about it everywhere I go and all over the Internet.

NOT everyone celebrates it!!!

The Dream.

screen-shot-10-29-16-at-11-44-am I had a dream last night that I had all the dogs that I’ve ever had,over all those YRS, incl. the Beagle, the Samoyed, the Afghan Hound, the 2 Shih-Tzus, the Pugs, and all the Chihuahuas, and of course Buddy the Dachshund. I had them all at the same time, all together in the same place, and I was playing with them on the floor and they were jumping all over me, licking my face, and I played with them all, and fed them all, but it was only Buddy that came in bed with me at night, because out of all my dogs in my lifetime he’s my fave. and the best dog that I’ve ever had! I wonder now too if the location of the dream was supposed to be in Heaven as well, afterall, where else could I possibly see every dog that I’ve ever owned all at once? If so, that might be an indication that there are animals in Heaven afterall! I sure hope so, and although no one really knows for sure (until you actually get there) I would like to think that there is, and being a splendid place filled with beauty, happiness, and love, how could there not be pets and other animals there, right?

I had another dream as well I was in the Philippines and I was in a shop and wanted to buy a fridge magnet ( I collect them from all over the world whenever I go on a trip) only I’d forgotten my credit card, and in real life I casually mentioned how most women gleefully look forward to winter because we don’t have to shave our legs (since we wear tights and no one sees our legs) the 22 YR old was horrified and he gasped, “If they’re single!” and I told him, no, it’s a common thing among pretty well every woman!(in the Northern latitudes, anyway) I also either fell asleep or passed out for 90 minutes outside ( it was a mild 17 C!) on the porch swing in the backyard yesterday…I laid down at 2:30……and woke up at 4 pm! I was woken up at 5:45 am by a thunderstorm,too.

My hubby got this fancy framed mirror for the 15 YR old’s room at some antique-style shop as well and it was some ritzy 200$ mirror and he got it for only a dollar as the guy selling it said it was “cursed”…..holy shit……I sure hope that they’re just trying to trick me and that it’s not really; we don’t need to invite demons into the house(curses are real, too, not just some superstition), and I’m hoping and praying for a miracle for the world for the American election,too; that both Trump and Clinton will either resign or be forced to drop out and someone else (hopefully Sanders?) will become their new Prez…..