Moving?

MovingBoxes I’m still shocked and reeling from the news in 2 weeks my hubby won’t have a job. What do we do financially when we’re just barely hanging on and can hardly pay the bills now and what about coverage for my medications that would cost hundreds of dollars a month otherwise? This is yet another thing to keep my mother up late at night worrying about finances and where the $$$$ is going to come from. We’ll likely have to move as well, to wherever he can find a job, he says closer to Toronto where he’d most likely have to commute to but the problem is the closer you get to the city the more expensive it is and we can’t afford it and the idea was to downsize and save $$$$$. Whatever we’d be able to get selling this house here would probably only end up being half what a house there would cost!

So if we do end up moving my hubby would be happy and get what he wants as he’s always been pushing my mother to sell the house, and the 14 YR old is eager to move but the 10 and 16 YR olds don’t want to and she has her activities and her friends here( although if he’s out of work or in-between jobs for too long there won’t even be any $$$$ for their activities anymore,anyway) and my mother doesn’t want to move since her doctor and pharmacy are all here and she likes to be able to walk into town, and as for me I like the idea of moving and finally getting out of this shithole redneck town that I’ve always hated but I don’t like the actual reality of moving; all the stress, frustration, worry, effort, packing,hassle, uncertainty, and expense of it all. Yet, it’s also an adventure,too,and every now and then you do need a change and to shake things up and it appeals to my Gypsy restless spirit,and it is kind of fun to look at houses and pick one out, but in actual fact I really don’t know how we’re going to afford it and don’t really think we’ll be able to find anything anywhere else in our price range.

As for no job, he’s going to a job fair in Toronto next week but he’s worried at his age no one will hire him as in the tech world they tend to hire younger people, not guys in their 50’s although he does have lots of experience…and if he’s lucky hopefully the same company will find a spot for him elsewhere in the company but they said no one will be working remotely( from home like he does) anymore so we still might have to move closer to the city anyway regardless(unless he just does and the rest of us still stay here?) but even so it would probably still be a good 6 months or so as it takes alot of time to sell this house, find another one and co-ordinate everything. If he gets a job elsewhere then we could be moving anywhere, wherever the job is and when the kids heard they’re transferring it all over to India the 14 YR old staunchly declared, I’m NOT moving to India! but I think it would be exotic and an incredible adventure and opportunity for the kids though and at least over there we could afford it as expenses would be so much less.I actually think it would be kind of exciting….and I could find Butter chicken anywhere! 🙂

As for my meds I also decided I will try and apply for disability benefits like Patti has as that way I can get my medications covered and it will be mine, no matter what happens with my hubby or his job or where I live or if we split up or I live on my own or ever re-marry. I will always have the coverage I need regardless. It also may be the first step towards some independence for me and a start to my new life and fresh start. Who knows what God has in store and what His plans are? In any case, I am secure in knowing He won’t abandon us and has always taken care of us and He will see us safely thru this crisis as well and that gives me comfort and reassurance even though everything is so uncertain,stressful, and worrisome right now. I’d have to pick up the forms somewhere (I don’t even have any idea where to get them but Patti does) and fill them out and have my doctor fill out part confirming my diagnosis(Asperger’s, depression, bipolar, social phobia) and the medications I need(incl. high BP, migraines, depression, etc. I can’t just stop taking) and then I mail it off and someone will contact me…holy shit this is all just so much, too much,but maybe I can even die soon and not even have to worry about it and then they can also have my life insurance $$$$ to pay for the moving expenses,too…I only wish….

As well, Patti says the vet said her dog does appear to be prego afterall ( I knew Buddy had what it takes!) but she’ll be getting an X-ray( that costs 350$, holy shit!) on the 31st to see for sure and to find out how many puppies. It would sort have served Patti right though after how she treated me if there weren’t any puppies though. Oh, well. At least Buddy got laid. The girls and my hubby were also being mean to him and just absolutely destroyed him and hurt his feelings and made him make this most saddest, pathetic, sorrowful face ever too when they insulted him calling him a old grey rotten thing and his face just dropped and he looked shattered and demoralized and slunk down and waddled over to me for comfort, spirit crushed and just deflated. Poor boy.

 

Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.

I Love Hippos!!

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Fiona

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As well, all day I have not only had my usual BAD abdomen(not sure still what that is, perhaps uterine or colon; I’ve had trouble with both) and stomach pain(liver or ulcer, or maybe even both) I’ve had for the past week now but now also lower back pain (kidneys) AND I’ve had this “burning” in the middle of my chest, it kind of feels like when you hold your breath underwater for too long and it feels like your lungs are going to burst and you have to surface for air right away. I don’t know if it’s my heart or my lungs but it’s been going on and off all thru the day. Shit. It really sucks having liver, kidney, heart,and lungs failing. I think I’m dying.

Too Much H.B! *

**Screenshot_24 Yesterday I had my transvaginal ultrasound. Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is. They have to shove the wand( seen here in the photo) up my you-know-what half-way and twist and turn it around for a few minutes taking images of my uterus and ovaries, checking the cyst on my ovary and whatever else is in there causing my excessively heavy periods, painful cramps and irregular bleeding. Speaking of which….of course you know how Aunt Flow  always has a habit of coming at the worst possible time, well, it was due to arrive the day of the test (either that, or maybe it might have even been the day before, I’m not sure but I’ve had crippling cramps for 3 days now already!) and I prayed to God, Please don’t let it come until after the scan!….. and as soon as the wand was removed….there was blood on it. It literally just started at the end of the test!!

For the test it’s like a gyno exam where you lay down on your back, legs bent and ass settled down low and they put a condom on the wand( and this was a really  wrinkly  one, how I would image an old man’s saggy wrinkly shrivelled up dick would be, probably what Trump’s looks like…) and mine was non-latex due to my allergy, thank God….can you only imagine the redness, hives, and itchiness  in there from the latex/plastic medical tape allergy I have that I get on my arms from the IV’s and after blood work if they don’t use the paper tape instead? I don’t even want to think about it. and they put a gel on to lube it up, and in it goes.  Luckily the technician was a woman and not a dude, and she let me insert it myself so it was just like a tampon and I had a sheet covering my bottom half for privacy. It was awkward and uncomfortable though and felt like the cold, hard metal speculum the Gyno uses. Truthfully speaking this was the closest thing I’ve had to being laid in years but it wasn’t anywhere near the same.  😦

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This is part of the results of my blood and urine tests I also had done the other day,too and I was able to access online ( I go back to the doctor next month to follow-up on) which I failed; basically I have kidney and liver failure. The sample shown here is part from my liver enzyme tests, and as you can see my results on the left are very high compared to the normal range showed in the middle. The blood work also showed I have a high red cell count indicating low oxygen levels usually caused by heart or kidney failure and  my urine test showed up cloudy and with white blood cells present, indicating infection, most likely kidneys. It’s what I expected and is likely what’s causing the bad abdomenal pain , weight loss, etc. and why I’m always so drained, tired, lifeless,and have zero energy(my family thinks I’m just a lazy pothead that lays around all day). and for the past 2 weeks or so I also notice I’m not peeing as much,either, which would be the kidneys shutting down. My hubby mentioned about liver or kidney transplants as well but I’m not going to do any of that; I wouldn’t even bother getting dialysis; I’d just let it take it’s natural course. I’m ready to go. I really am. I have been for a couple of years now and the transplants should be left for people with good quality of life and who still have the rest of their lives to live and love and to be happy. I never had that. I’ve had happy times and happy moments but I haven’t had much happiness in life or for too long, mostly just hardship, struggle, sorrow, pain, rejection, abuse, loneliness, self-hatred,hopelessness, despair, bullying,fear, regret, sadness, hurt, and osctracization.  My life’s not even worth saving or extending. It’s an unhappy, miserable life and I’m done with it and ready for it to be over. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.This will be my opportunity, my chance! I’ll finally be free!

*.H.B is what the 16 YR old refers to as Human Body, which grosses her out big-time and whenever there’s talk of or scenes or photos of anything medically graphic or blood,guts,and gore she goes, Too much H.B!

Running.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 05.11 PM It seems that I’ve been running my entire life. Always wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, restless, longing, wanting to run away from who I am, from myself, from where I am, always wanting to be someone else; anyone else rather than me, reinventing myself, trying to run away from and escape my life, myself, all the trauma and pain in my life, trying to escape all my self-loathing and self hatred, my lack of self confidence and self-esteem. I have been running from my enemy, from my past, from my memories, myself, my hurt, my pain, my brokenness, my life.

It started when I was molested as a kid from ages 4-12, and then from the years of bullying as a young teen,and then only carried on, continued,and worsened with being rejected and unloved, outcast and undesirable as an adult, plus trying to hide and run away from my Asperger’s, social phobia, bipolar, and depression, and all the traumas, misfortunes, bad luck, failures, failed hopes and dreams, disappointments, and general overall misery and  f*cked-up-ed-ness in life, it just took a toll after awhile until I couldn’t do it anymore and just shut down, eventually dropping out of life pretty much completely.

Just keep running….

That’s why I look forward so much to Heaven. I will be healed and made whole. I won’t look like this or feel like this anymore. I will accept myself and maybe, just maybe, even be able to love myself, or if not, at least be okay with myself and with being me, and not be beaten down by self hatred and always wanting to run away from who I am, change who I am, hide who I am, re-do who I am, etc. I will feel loved, valued, included, good enough, welcome, a sense of belonging,self acceptance, worthy, happy, fitting in, and everything else that I’ve never felt here in my life. I will no longer have the instinctual need to run and hide in fear from danger; I will instead have something to run to and not away from,and no one will ever make fun of me or make me feel badly about myself ever again. I will find peace.

Bev’s House.

Screen Shot 05-07-17 at 08.14 PM This is G.P’s house. I figure now she’s dead I can tell you her real name was Bev. She was 80 YRS old when she died and she was a nurse. She never had a family of her own, and I want to tell you an interesting story about Bev’s house, seen here. This was the only house that she’s ever lived in, in her entire life! Can you believe it? She was raised in this house; it was her family home where she grew up with her parents, brother and sister, and then she remained in it for her entire adulthood and life and she died in that house.

I can’t even imagine living in just one house, one street, one neighbourhood, or even one city, for that matter, for your entire life, never moving, never living anywhere else! I’ve moved so many times and lived in so many different places; so many houses in so many cities, even in different countries, I just can’t even imagine staying in one same place for your entire life. That just blew my mind when I heard that. It’s pretty sad too, living here in Bumble-F*ck for your entire life…

As well, we visited the 13 YR old, and so did her oldest sister, who took the train in from Toronto, which was nice and also shows her that her family does love her and cares about her. We signed her out( and it’s like a prison where you have to be buzzed in and out by security and everything is monitored by cameras) and took her shopping at the mall(and she bought a new jeans) and I must say I’m proud of myself,too: I went to the mall and I never spent any $$$$ and didn’t buy anything! When I asked her if she wants to come home she said she wants to live with the second-oldest, but that wouldn’t really be fair to her, having the responsibility of having to take care of a kid,yet at the same time she wouldn’t tell us exactly why, or what the issue is with our family, so we can’t help her, work with her, change anything, or try to make things better if we don’t know what the problem/s is!  My hubby even asked her if he and I should get divorced and we split the family up into 2 separate groups and live in 2 homes and she said no, and then he said should we get ‘rid’ of me and again she said no,and when I asked if she wants my mother to move out, she again said no….so I don’t know what it is; is it just the general conflict in the family, or does she just not like the rules, or doing chores, or having to go to church…or what?

On my weed the other day it was funny as well: my mother was watching a TV show and I was hearing it in Russian, and I was even able to read and understand something in Greek,too, and watch and understood a movie in Czech, so it truly does allow you to access a part of your brain that you normally can’t, as of those languages I only know Russian normally other than a few swear words in Greek! 😀

The Mystery.

screen-shot-01-11-17-at-02-21-pm-001 It’s now become a mystery; did I get electrocuted by the heated blanket afterall like it seemed and like I thought……or I wonder could I have maybe had a seizure instead and because I’d had my weed I just thought I was being electrocuted by the blanket because my thinking was distorted and because having a seizure does feel like you’re being electrocuted; with an electric current running thru your body, causing you to become rigid and stiff, your heart to race , you become drained of energy and weakened….so now it’s a mystery: did my blanket actually try to kill me or did I have another seizure? I had one last YR a few days after Christmas….and that’s what I know of, the neurologist said I may have others,too, that go undetected, like my friend W who said he  has epilepsy and never even knew it as he only had seizures in his sleep and only found out once his father saw him have a seizure in his sleep.

So now I’m trying to figure out , reason,and deduce which is more likely, more logical, more probable,and most likely happened, so I was checking online and I was surprised to see that migraines and seizures are closely related and linked and show similar  patterns on scans, and I’ve had migraines ever since I was 13, and for 4 days in a row before it happened I also had this weird headache I always woke up with and I was unable to get rid of that was different than usual and then only after the seizure or shock or whatever it was the headache finally went away…..and I found out that headaches can often precede seizures and are common before their onset! Hmmmmmm….

My mother discounted the seizure theory as she said I was talking all during it and you don’t talk during seizures as you’re unconscious and even though I was unconscious during my last one(and just woke up and was aware of it at the end as I was coming out of it) this time I was fully aware and I was semi-conscious; I knew what was happening to me and I was aware my mother and the 9 YR old were in the room although I wasn’t able to see or tell exactly where, just a vague idea that they were there. She also said that I wasn’t shaking, just ” cringing” and the 9 YR old said I kept staring straight ahead, off into space, with a blank look on my face, and I was curled up in a ball. I know there are different degrees of seizures though,too.

I decided one way to find out would be to test the blanket; to plug it in and turn it on and touch it and see if anything happens; if I feel a shock or anything…….so I did….and nothing happened. It heated up like it usually does but I never got a shock of any kind so it appears to be working normally,and I inspected it closely looking for any loose or frayed wires and there were none( and it’s only a YR old, we got it for Christmas last YR) so it doesn’t appear to be faulty, and my research showed that electric blankets are more likely to catch fire if malfunctioning that to electrocute you….yet I’m sure Buddy looked like he was seizuring too yet both my mother and the 9 YR old said he didn’t look stiff or anything, that he looked normal(and they wondered why I tossed him off me), so maybe the weed made me imagine that he was, and with my other seizure before I remember at first thinking that it was him (also curled up against my legs) that was shaking and I thought, “Why is he shaking  like that?” and then I realized, “Oh, it’s not him that’s shaking….it’s me!” because with the weed my perception was distorted, so it could have been the same thing again.

Also, even once my mother turned the blanket off I was still feeling the “electric shock” feeling coursing thru my body, zapping the life out of me,and if it really was the blanket shocking me it should have stopped once she turned it off and not still continued even after, which would indicate a seizure, and for awhile before it occurred Buddy( who was snuggling with me) was agitated and kept whimpering as he was cuddling with me and the 9 YR old remarked, “What’s wrong with that dog today?” but dogs can sense when something’s not right,so he must have known it was coming and during it he kept pawing at me and whining as well; he knew something was wrong and he was worried!

The only way I could see the blanket electrocuting me as well would be if someone intentionally sabotaged it; that is, if they tampered with it somehow purposely trying to kill me. I don’t even want to go there. They’d practically have to cut a wire loose or something in order for it to short-circuit and shock me. I am the only one that uses it and it would be an ingenious way to get rid of me, but I don’t even want to think of the possibility.

I would think all things considered: at the time I was convinced it was the blanket trying to kill me, but the more I really think about it and reason things out I think it’s probably more likely that I had a seizure and I just thought it was the blanket shocking me(weed can make you paranoid!). Either way I know something did happen, and I can still clearly remember it and how it felt and how scary it was. What do you think it most likely was……the blanket….or a seizure? Luckily the neurologist booked an EEG for me in March so I’ll find out more then…..