Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.

 

Free The Ganja!

Rastaman In less than a month cannabis will be legalized here in Canada for recreational use, not just for medical use( like I have) as it is now. On 17 October, actually, is the day, although the gov’t announced for the first 6 months it can only legally be purchased from special gov’t shops online, no actual dispensaries that you walk-in. They currently do have such places now that run illegally and are always getting busted and shut down by the police and are then always quick to re-open again. As for me and others that have legal medical prescriptions from doctors we currently get ours online from sanctioned gov’t approved and controlled suppliers. My concern is that it’s so limited. I mean, how are people that don’t have credit cards, for example, supposed to attain it? Maybe it’s so it’s harder for kids to purchase it, although I’m sure they’ll still have the street corner dealers that don’t charge tax, for example, and I had my first credit card ( American Express) when I was 16….. and, of course, they can always steal their parent’s credit cards and use their number, or just have an older, legal-age friend order it for them, just like for generations under-agers have had older people sneak booze for them. There’s always a way.

Another issue is that even when it does become legal for people over 18 to sell, purchase and use weed, the gov’t has still put strict limitations on the types of advertising they can and cannot do. It has to be very plain and unappealing and not indicate at all what the product is or what it does and no fancy attractive labelling, packaging or advertising either and, unlike alcohol(which is also federally regulated and controlled and only sold in special gov’t run stores although now some grocery stores are starting to sell it) they won’t be able to run ads on TV, for example. Alcohol is way more harmful than weed yet the rules are more stricter for weed than they are for alcohol and I hate it that the Fascist Big Brother Police State always has to meddle and control and over-regulate everything. In the spring dispensaries will be able to open to the public, but they’ll need a special license and will be strictly monitored by the gov’t. and it will also be strictly restricted where it can be smoked and some rentals are forbidding it altogether in rental units, even though it will be legal!  I’m glad it will finally be legal, but is this really freedom?

Another beef of mine is with the MeToo movement and others like it. I think it’s going way too far. I support it in the theory woman who have been abused ( and I am one of them, I was molested by a relative from age 4-12) should be able to come forward and be supported(when I told my mother her response was a curt, Why didn’t you stop him?……really? I WAS 4 YEARS OLD!!!! what did you expect me to DO?) and have justice and for it to stop, but what I don’t agree with is how now so many guys are being accused of sexual assault and either everyone’s a pervert, they’re all coming out of the woodwork now and it’s all just being exposed now, or some of it is just lies made up to ruin a person’s reputation, destroy their career and life; how it’s so easy now for a woman to bring down and ruin a man with a mere accusation of sexual assault, and woman are so overly-sensitive to it nowadays a man can’t even flirt or compliment a woman anymore without fear of being accused of sexual harrassment. Like ALL  Political Correctness it has just gone too far. Now they even dig far into a guy’s past to bring up dirt on him now trying to discredit him , even though he might have changed since then and not even be the same person,assuming the accusation is even true, and it’s so ridiculous that pretty soon they’ll even be saying something like, He kissed a classmate in Kindergarten in the schoolyard! That’s sexual assault!

As well, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m due for a Pap Smear again( to check for cervical cancer). I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already!At least between that and the pelvic ultrasound if I do have either uterine, ovarian, or cervical cancer(which would explain my symptoms…..) it should show up…. Time flies by so fast when you’re an adult,too,and the older you get the faster time goes by; a year just whizzes right by and feels like a month but I remember when I was a kid how slowly time seemed to move and a week seemed to take forever and the summer seemed to last forever (and it was wonderful) but I think it’s just that your perception has changed; as a kid you’re not preoccupied with time, schedule, deadlines, commitments, worries, stress, etc. like you are as an adult, and so you’re not as busy and your mind isn’t as addled with the worries and stresses of life so you can just peacefully and quietly sail thru life at a more leisurely pace.

The 15 and 17 YR olds are also even more mouthy, talking-back, nasty, and disrespectful than they usually are to me and so I figure it’s either:

1.They’re on Aunt Flow and extra bitchy.

2.They’re bored and have nothing to do so they decided to f*ck with me.

3.They’re just pissed-off about something and it’s displaced anger; they just decided to take it out on me.

4. I did or said something they don’t like and they’re teenagers so that’s pretty much all the time.

My guess? Maybe they’re mad they got banned from the Dollar Store  being accused of shoplifting, or maybe someone finally called them out for their constantly causing drama, starting rumours, gossiping, talking behind people’s backs,talking “smack” about people, etc. and generally causing trouble with their big mouths, like teenage girls always do, yet at the same time it’s an unacceptable behaviour and people get hurt, and it causes anger, division, conflict, misunderstanding, and unnecessary strife and it needs to be confronted, addressed, discussed, and stopped. I think whatever the reason, they just took it out on me(they even hid my iPod and made me think it was lost).

Teenagers. Now I can see why some animals eat their young. I wonder if I can put them up on e-Bay?

I seem to be the “punching bag”  in this family when people get mad I’m the one that always gets the brunt of their anger, sort of like when a guy has a bad day at the office he comes home and yells at his wife and kids and kicks the dog. I’m the dog that always gets kicked. I also had another bad panic attack last night again too that Buddy has cancer and he’s dying. I was hysterical and sobbing and inconsolable. I wonder though as well if at least part of the emotional breakdown has to do with my bipolar perhaps or maybe even the hormonal changes of menopause, or, perhaps the manic phase of my bipolar is now coming to an end and the depressive phase is coming crashing in on me?

 

Rasta Heaven.

Screenshot_344Last night I had this weird dream I was in Heaven and I was wearing a long tie-dye dress(similar to the one here, the pattern and colour but not strapless) only in the Rasta colours instead of the traditional rainbow colours and my orange Converse hi-tops with a crown of daisies in my hair. I know, you’d think sunflowers since I love them so much but I guess it was a practicality thing as sunflowers are just way too big and wouldn’t fit or be practical and daisies are much smaller and better suited for that kind of thing. Usually in those kind of dreams I’m wearing a loose, long flowing white gauze dress and bare feet with the crown of daisies in my hair.

BuddyLump This is also the lump under Buddy’s eye. He seems ok otherwise though; still playing, running around, barking if someone comes to the door, tracking scents, going on long walks, sniffing out mice, chasing chipmunks, etc. I also had this major panic attack last night at bedtime that he has cancer and he’s dying and it just felt so real  and I was convinced he was dying and I was losing him I was crying and crying, my heart was breaking  and I was sobbing heavily the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and I snuggled him close to me and I got his fur all wet.I felt so despairing, so desolate, so shattered, so gutted.

I was so worried and fearful it kept me awake half the night. I hope NOT though, just a fear, and maybe it’s even just allergies or something,too causing the swelling and not a tumour, but in any case, in case he doesn’t have too much time left I’m going to ensure he enjoys what time he does have left, spending as much time as I can with him, loving on him as much as possible, doing his fave. things I know he loves and enjoys,making him happy, making his Last Days as fun-filled, love-filled and enjoyable as possible and so that he knows how much he’s loved. I don’t even want to live in a world without him though; he’s brought love, joy,and light into my life, gives me a reason to get up every morning and to keep going each day. My world revolves around him; he is my heart.

Buddy5 I also took this photo of Buddy and I sharing an ice cream and I love the way it turned out with the shadow effect. So cool.

moi Progress on my Smile Project. It’s hard for me to smile, but I’m trying. Someone also stole the 23 YR old’s bike from the shed in our fenced-in backyard. People SUCK.

Put Your Mask On First.

OxygenMask You know how they always say on an airplane if the cabin pressure is compromised and the oxygen masks are deployed that the adults are to put on their own masks FIRST, before they put on their child’s masks, even though it goes against all their natural instincts as parents who naturally want to protect their child’s needs before their own? Well, the reasoning is that if you are incapacitated you will be in no condition to be able to help your child. You have to have YOUR wits about you before you can be of any use to anyone else.

Yourself(new) Then so the very SAME reasoning should go in all other aspects of life; you have to take care of yourself first or you aren’t going to be any good for anyone else, incl. your own family.

Yet…..

That doesn’t apply in MY family.

Every time I try to do something for me, to “treat” myself, every time *I* have a need, a want, a concern, want to be heard, have a “voice”, have a vote, do something  for myself, have a break,etc. they say I’m “lazy”, “selfish”, “only think about myself”,”greedy”, etc. You get the idea.I’m always belittled and criticized and everything’s always MY fault. I’m NOT “allowed” to take time off, to have needs, to relax, to indulge, to “recharge” my batteries, to have a vacation, to loaf around, to splurge, to think about myself or my needs,to do or buy something for me, etc.

How can I be the best mother to my family that I can be though if I don’t look after myself first…..or if they don’t “LET” me look after myself?

Then they wonder WHY I’m always so burned-out, so depressed, so deflated, so fed-up, and why I hate my life and want out of this family. They don’t see that always being treated like a Second Class citizen and always coming last and not having any value or worth in your own family takes it’s toll, and yet whenever I try to have an “escape” and do something that makes ME happy or that *I* enjoy they always find a way to tear me down and take it away from me.

My panic attacks are also getting worse and more frequent. I even started to have one in church yesterday too just because there was a cute guy standing next to me in the line for Communion and my heart was racing and I was hyperventilating and could hardly breathe and it felt like I was either going to have a heart attack, a seizure, or pass out.

Church.

ChurchPews My fave. priest was there at church yesterday so I went and did a Confession to prepare for Advent( which is in just 2 weeks!) and when I told him I smoke pot for my migraines I could hear him let out a chuckle, and he said he knows someone with migraines and he’s heard that they’re “horrible” (yes, they ARE!!) and that smoking pot ISN’T a sin if it helps and that ultimately, to thank God FOR the cannabis plant, and for penance all I had to do was say an Act of Contrition and pray for someone in my family that no one else would think to pray for( so I chose my father and said a prayer for his soul) and I can bet the priest will never see me the same way ever again now,either knowing what he now knows and I can just imagine him picturing me lighting one up!

I also had a panic attack in church because it was alot more crowded than usual and I felt almost “suffocated” and even though I rationally knew that no one really WAS looking at me or probably even noticed me it felt like everyone was staring at me and whispering and  this panic was welling up inside me and building up and I just wanted to flee so I had to take deep breaths and try and focus on my “Happy Place” and “Safe Place” and then I was slowly able to calm down …..but it was a close one, and getting my make up on before church I also noticed not only were my lips blue but also the area all around them, above and below and I had to wear lipstick on my lips to cover it and put concealer on the rest to hide it.

I heard as well that an enlarged liver( like mine) can be caused by heart failure and mine is soooo enlarged now (as well as all the fluid retention) my belly’s so distended and swollen now I look like I’m 5-6 months’ prego, and my “herbalist” also came by and I got more “herbal remedies” for my migraines( he brings them over in an old cigarette box, not in a baggie like you see on TV) and it’s from a new batch as it smelled fresh and I snuck off to the shed to light one up and Buddy kept coming in to check up on me and I had to keep shooing him out as I didn’t want the poor dog to get “high” from second-hand smoke! I never got “high” either though; I never do; I don’t react to it,and, in fact, don’t get hungry like others do,either, but it rather suppresses my appetite. I’ve never reacted to things the way other people do though.

It’s also nice to see the good of humanity coming out following the terror attacks in Paris as the world unites to support the victims but it’s also disappointing to see the backlash of Islamophobia, hate and anti-immigration towards innocent Syrian refugees as a result as well. When the result is divisiveness and hate then the terrorists WIN.