My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Remembrance Day.

Screen Shot 11-11-17 at 08.50 AM I don’t glorify the military; I remember, honour,and pray for the innocent VICTIMS of war and for an end to all wars.I pray for PEACE. This is why I refuse to wear a red poppy like the rest of the sheeple and don’t celebrate Remembrance Day. I DON’T celebrate, glamorize, support, encourage, glorify, romanticize, commemorate, honour, respect, or praise the military, killing,and war.

Old Hippie.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.59 PM I’m an old hippie. Or a Next Generation Hippie. Or a recycled Hippie. I’ve always been a free spirit and embraced the Hippie culture and mindset of peace, love, anti-war, anti-gun,and anti-violence, and with my newfound love for weed, and I love all things tie-dye, peasant blouses, bohemian-style clothing, flowers in my hair, groovy 60’s music, psychedelic patterns, etc. I would have loved to have been at Woodstock; I think it would have been just epic but I was only 2 YRS old.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM 001was born in 1967 near the end of the hippie period but I was born with it in my blood, and have always  had the hippie spirit, vibe, soul, and mindset. It even meshes nicely with my Communist background as hippies as well were into communal living and sharing everything they owned, and when you really think about it so was Jesus and His followers, it sounds like Jesus was a Hippie and a Marxist to me. I can still even remember my first tie-shirt shirt when I was 2 years old. I loved that thing so much, even then, and I’ve had a succession of tie-dyed shirts in various sizes ever since. Currently I’m looking for a pair of tie-dyed socks but they’re seemingly impossible  to find unless I go online and pay 3 times as much for shipping as I do for the actual item itself! By then it’ll end up costing me 60$!!

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM I still remember the time too when my BFF and I were 12 and that time we dressed up as hippies and took the streetcar downtown and everyone kept staring at us. It was awkward but fun. We were decked out wearing tie-dye shirts, suede fringed vests, bandanas, large “Peace” sign necklaces, ripped jeans and Jesus sandals. It was hilarious and we had so much fun. I’ll never forget that.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.41 AM I remember in school that 2 of my friends’ parents were hippies as well: J’s parents in grade 2 and T’s parents in grade 5, and it was fun hanging out at their house and going to their birthday parties as their parents were so easy-going, cool, nice, approachable, fun, and friendly, and they had cool furnishings too such as beanbag chairs,beads in the doorways, and lava lamps. and one of my own cousins when I was young was a hippie,too: he was 20 at the time and even had the long hair that my uncle hated and always told him to cut off.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.40 AM As well, on weed I had a “revelation”, an awakening, or an insight, or whatever you want to call it, that death is merely the transferring of matter from one dimension to another (similar to tele-porting) and changing of matter from one property(physical) to another( spiritual) and that the matter still exists and continues on, just somewhere else and in a different form. The 18 YR old’s also all packed up, excited,and ready to go to her dorm/residence in Ottawa this weekend,too, but I won’t be going along, for one thing I can never go back to Ottawa again after what happened there with our enemy and the trauma I endured; it was too traumatizing and I never want to go there ever again as it will only bring back flashbacks and bad traumatic memories. I never want to see that place ever again.

The Truth About War.

Screen Shot 06-05-17 at 08.26 AM

Guns N’ Roses Lyrics

“Civil War”

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can’t reach…
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N’ I don’t like it any more than you men.” *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D’you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said, “Peace could last forever.”?
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
An’ I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can’t trust freedom
When it’s not in your hands
When everybody’s fightin’
For their promised land

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war

Look at the shoes you’re filling
Look at the blood we’re spilling
Look at the world we’re killing
The way we’ve always done before
Look in the doubt we’ve wallowed
Look at the leaders we’ve followed
Look at the lies we’ve swallowed
And I don’t want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

“We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials,
For example, to create a vacuum.
Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances.
Peace is closer.” **

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
And I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need one more war

I don’t need one more war
What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?

The Sheeple.

screen-shot-11-05-16-at-07-12-pm I am not one of the Sheeple. I do not drink the Kool-Aid and I don’t blindly follow the herd. I think I must be the only person in this country that doesn’t wear a poppy on my lapel for Remembrance Day, to honour and support the troops, glorifying war and promoting the military. Even all the reporters on the nightly news are forced to wear them and even my hubby, mother, and kids, have been indoctrinated by the war-machine propaganda the gov’t foists on it’s citizens and support it but I don’t. I support only peace, not war. I refuse to be brain-washed.

screen-shot-11-04-16-at-07-13-pm Instead of honouring the soldiers that kill innocent civilians,  I instead honour and pray for the innocent victims of war, and pray for an end to war. Jesus was loving and non-violent and told us to “Love thy neighbour.” He didn’t command us to go and wage war and kill our neighbour, and to steal his resources, pillage his land, rape his women, plunder his property, invade his country, kill him,etc….oh, and “Thou shall not kill” is also in there.

screen-shot-11-04-16-at-07-11-pm The only poppy that  would wear would be the white poppy because it symbolizes peace instead of the red poppy which symbolizes bloodshed and means that you support soldiers, the military, and therefore war, which I don’t, so it would be hypocritical of me to wear one, and I’ve never been one to go along with the crowd, anyway, esp. if it’s something that I don’t agree with. I also don’t believe in the “Us VS Them” mentality, nor do I buy into that nationalism, patriotic, flag-waving crap which only creates division and enmity…and leads to wars.

As well, my friend A won a poetry contest and for his prize he got a Tablet and 500$! How cool is that? As for me lately, I’m riding the storm, but am just one step away from the edge of the fall…..

2 Weeks Left?

Buddy15Patti said her son’s having his house warming party on the 22 nd so she’s assuming that he’ll probably be taking Buddy back after that although he hasn’t said anything about it himself either way and if so that means we just have 2 weeks with him left; the rest of this week and then next week….and he’ll be gone, and so will my only joy. I’m taking it really hard and I’ve been so happy these past few weeks with him and then it’ll all come crashing down and be taken away. Happiness for me is only ever temporary and never lasts for too long. I always knew it would be temporary( having him) right from the beginning but we’ve become so attached, he makes me so happy, and he does wonders for my emotional well-being and has changed my life I wish I could keep him. It hurts as well whenever Patti refers to him as her son’s dog( even though he is) as I’ve come to feel like he’s ours and it will break my heart to part with him. My mother calls him my “new baby” and Patti said her son told her he’s worried that the kids will be hurt when he takes him back but in actual fact I’LL be the one who’ll be the most devastated( although they will be upset as well) and I hope against hope that he just lets him stay here with us for good realizing he’s better off here (Patti even said she could tell he’s happy; that he looks perky, his eyes light up, his coat’s glossy, he has so much energy and his tail’s always wagging) and that we’re good to him and have the time and attention for him that they no longer do….and when I prayed my prayer to St. Therese to send me a sign of a rose if we ARE going to end up with him for good( whether he leaves him here or does take him back but ends up giving him back to us) I ended up getting 6 of them in the one day so hopefully(and she’s never failed me before…)it’s the dream of my heart to be able to keep him as our dog for good…

Oh, please, please, please, please, Dear God…..

Buddy also loved it yesterday it was 16 C and he was exploring, running around, and playing in the yard, and he loves to “kill” tennis balls as well: he found one in the grass and skinned it alive; it looked like he was peeling an orange; he tore off the fuzzy outside then cracked it in half like an egg and tore it all apart! I also argued with my mother and the 16 yR old about Remembrance Day, how they glorify the military and war and he said I’m “stupid” for believing in peace and not supporting the military and she scoffed that it’s  just MY opinion(so then it doesn’t matter or count), and I told her that she shouldn’t be a “sheeple” and mindlessly follow the herd and she snickered that I’ve always ” marched to the beat of my own drummer” and I hate it that this shit hole town and country is so pro-military and pro-war; it’s getting almost as bad as USA with it’s flag waving and nationalism!

My cousin’s wife died of cancer as well and now it’s turned his brother away from God and religion as he’s really angry saying it’s unfair and what kind of God would take a mother away from her kids like that and that He can suck his big fat white dick, etc. and the 7 YR old’s doing idioms and analogies in his schoolwork but with my Asperger’s I can’t understand it and my mother smirked that I don’t have any “reasoning skills” and the 20 YR old took a forklift training course to increase his job skills and he got 100% and was the only one( other than the ones who just went to renew their license) who passed and didn’t have to take the second part and he hasn’t been able to find a job for 2 YRS now even though he’s applied everywhere but the youth unemployment is just so high here and he’s so discouraged and feeling hopeless.It bothers me as well how Patti always complains about, insults, and talks behind the back of a certain friend of hers; I don’t think it’s right and it makes me feel uncomfortable and it also  makes me wonder what she might be saying about ME to other people,too!

Remembrance Day.

WhitePoppy Today is Remembrance Day, a day to honour veterans and the military and to glorify war. I however:

I Pray for the innocent VICTIMS of war.

I pray for peace.

I pray for an end to all war.

The best way to honour veterans is to not create any more veterans.

Learn from history.

Do not repeat it.

Learn from the mistakes of the past.

Jesus said to love thy neighbour.