Pizza Man.

Screenshot_497 They say You are what you eat and the 11 YR old (pictured here) loves pizza. I mean ,he loves it more than life itself. He loves it like how I love chocolate and pumpkin spice.At Wal-Mart he saw this and it was perfect for him. Pizza Man. It’s the funniest thing ever and so fitting.  I had another emotional breakdown sort of thing again last night as well: I was cuddling Buddy laying on my bed before bedtime and looking at him grateful for him and realizing how much I love him and am so happy he’s in my life and the tears just started to flow I just got so emotional so I don’t know if it’s just my bipolar again or maybe I’m being hormonal from menopause like I used to get during Aunt Flow and when I was prego. I notice it happens frequently lately though; I get so emotional and just start bawling over nothing. It’s so weird.

Buddy also is so smart even he (like the kids) tricks me and takes advantage of my failing mind and forgetfulness as well: he’ll try and “sneak” extra walks in, hoping I’ll forget that I just took him out, trying to convince me it’s time for another walk and indicate he wants to go out,hoping I’ll forget that we just did. Sneaky and under-handed, but smart.

Screenshot_528 The 17 YR old also got me this: pumpkin spice egg-nog! She works at the grocery store and saw a customer buy it so she got one too. I had to take my lactose pills though first otherwise in 8 hours I’d be sorry. It’s creamy , smooth and good, and tastes sort of like a pumpkin milkshake. I’ve never seen it before though so I think it must be something new. It’s really weird when you think about it though: pumpkin is really actually a vegetable , like a squash, not a fruit and here we are putting it in all kinds of dessert foods like cake, muffins, ice cream, drinks, cereal, etc. Maybe it’s like tomatoes; they’re actually fruit but they have an identity crisis and they think they’re vegetables and they even hang out in the garden with all the other vegetables instead of on the trees or vines with the other fruits!

My mother also got mad and yelled at me (but not at my hubby, of course, even though we were both yelling at eachother) saying she hates it that we’re always fighting about sports as I was watching the news and had the sports parts muted as I don’t watch it and then he un-mutes it even though he doesn’t even normally watch the news; he just comes in and takes over like he’s the king or something…….. or he just does it to piss me off…….. and then when I said, BOTH my mother and I don’t like it, don’t watch it,and mute it, so it’s 2 against one…..what happened to majority rules? so then she had the nerve to smirk, Well, then, in that case I abstain… just so I wouldn’t win(she even goes out of her way to get me riled up, make me upset, make me look bad, or make me lose out) knowing if it’s 1 against 1 and if it’s just between me and him he’ll always get his way as I never over-rule anyone because I’m nobody and hold no power or influence.  Because she’s a  spiteful controlling bitch like that. Then when I asked her why she always sucks up to him, kisses his ass, and takes his side all the time and never mine she coos, Because  you’re always WRONG!

and they wonder why I hate my life and my family?

Why does she hate me so much,anyway?

Raw And Real.

Screenshot_232 With my hubby and the girls away 4 days my mother, the 23 YR old,11 YR old and I and I ordered in KFC and pizza. This is the best pizza in the world (other than the thin-crust one I had in the wood oven at the trattoria in Rome; real Italian pizza!) from a local restaurant, the best Italian place around. It has chicken, mushrooms, feta, sun-dried tomatoes, onions, and hot peppers. Seriously, it is to die for. It could be my last meal and I’d die happy, with a full tummy,and a smile on my face. I’ve actually been looking forward to this for the past few days. I know, it doesn’t take much to get me excited. I could have even eaten the entire pizza.(but I didn’t.)

Buddy also caught a mouse! I saw him quickly jump off a chair he was napping on and dart into the bathroom and I was like, Buddy! What the hell? Are you ok? What’s going on?  and I wondered if maybe it was The Creature so I ran after him, following him,and saw he had cornered a mouse in the bathroom and he kept swiping at it with his front paws and batting it around, sort of like tossing a salad, and needless to say he killed it before I could stop him and he tried to eat it as well but I took it away before he could. I also had what I’m pretty sure must have been a hallucination: I was sitting outside on the front veranda and I saw this guy walk by and he was shirtless, wearing tight jeans and had the most buff, toned, amzing body ever, abs of steel, and he had such a deep tan….oh, God, he was gorgeous! I couldn’t stop staring. I may be old but I’m not dead yet.

I noticed as well in my years of experience blogging that other than the 2 or so blogs I read that are honest and real mostly others(and on Facebook too or any social media for that matter) are not so transparent but rather portray themselves as happy, successful people with happy perfect families, posting photos of smiling happy kids and what appear to be happy couples when I bet you in reality most of the time that’s actually far from the actual truth and reality. At least with this blog here, with mine, it’s raw and real. I keep it open, honest, transparent, and tell it the way it is, warts and all.

I am honest and up front about my struggles with mental illness, unhappy marriage, family issues, kids’ disrespectful way they treat me, my toxic family, the traumas in my life,my suicide attempts, my weaknesses, failures, etc. It’s not phony or falslely presented to try and make me or my family look better, happier, nicer, holier, more “perfect”, all “together”, cleaner, politer, etc. than we really are; I lay it all out bare. Of course there still are a few very private and intimate things that don’t get posted here, some that even my own hubby and kids don’t even know, but for the most part what you see is what you get and it may not all be pretty, but I present a real glimpse into what our lives are really like; gritty, messy, full of strife, crisis, stress, etc. It may not be pretty, but if you want an honest look at our life, this is it.

An example would be just a few minutes ago the 11 YR old screamed at me, Go kill yourself! and the other day just before they left the 17 YR old was being her usual mouthy disrespectful self and mouthing-off to me and my hubby said , You shouldn’t talk to your mother like that! which really startled me as he never says that; he never tells the kids to show me respect or reprimands them when they’re rude to me like he should, and, in fact, he joins in, and when I said, He’s right; you shouldn’t; it’s disrespectful and mean. and then the 2 of them laughed and said he was just joking. Yeah….I should have known. No wonder  they treat me the way they do; they copy how he treats me. He’s also my mother’s little toady,too: he always does whatever she says and he never stands up to her, defends me or tells her to stop over-stepping boundaries with our kids, most likely because she carries us most financially and he’s probably afraid if he says anything that she’ll make him contribute more so he does what she wants and defers to her and lets her be boss and she’s always used $$$$$ as power and control over people her entire life. Not too many people would likely post this, or even admit it, but with me it’s raw,and it’s real.


The Pepperoni.

Pizza So my hubby and the kids ordered pizza last night when I was in bed and this time they actually remembered to save me a slice. Often they forget, or they save me the smallest, dinkiest piece ever.This time though, it only had one pepperoni on it and all the others had been all picked off and I could tell as there were still imprints left indented on the cheese where they had been. I was mad(because I always get the crap) and when I asked my hubby what happened to all my pepperoni he just shrugged, You don’t even like pepperoni! but I told him he knows that I always pick mine off and give it to Buddy who loves it and he goes , It fell off…. and then said it was “payback” for when I plucked a pepperoni off the 11 YR old’s pizza he’d left out on his place setting at the table and gave it to the dog……even though he also failed to mention that it was left out there all night, out in the open, not in a bag, container or in any other protective covering and it was all hard and plastic-like and he wasn’t going to eat it and it would have just been thrown out anyways and I wanted to make sure Buddy got it before my mother tossed it out for the squirrels…..

That didn’t matter though; it was just an opportunity for him to get in a little “dig” at me, to be mean, to hurt me, to be an asshole,a shit-disturber, just to piss me off, like he always does and like how he always looks for,and jumps at, every little chance he can find to use to annoy me, only I was having none of it and then I just went and took a piece of pepperoni off a slice of his pizza that he was saving for his lunch and put it back on mine; just taking back what was mine, what he took from me…..and he was FURIOUS! He was yelling at me,berating me,calling me names, and really mad, so it’s ok that he did it to me but he didn’t like it when I did it back to him? Then he threatens that next time they get pizza he won’t save me any more, no more pizza for me,I’m a bitch, etc…. blah, blah, blah…. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but I’m not letting him treat me like that or control me like that. He’s not getting away with that shit. He’s such an asshole, and I don’t really want to say that I hate anyone, but he sure comes close, and is the one person that I severely dislike the most in the world. I have to get out of here. Please God, get me out….get me out of here….

The plumbers also came and fixed the leaking toilet pipes that dripped thru the ceiling and were luckily able to fix it the “quick fix” using a replacement part in just 3 hours for just over 300$. They said they weren’t sure at first if they could, and if not they’d have to tear out and replace the plumbing in the entire third floor which they said was not up to code once they started tearing further into the ceiling and exposed it when the third floor addition was put on long before we bought it and moved in and it would all have to be torn down and rebuilt,not only the plumbing but the entire third floor, costing thousands and thousands(when we just had a 2 bedroom addition put onto our old house it was 40K just for that but that was when we used to have $$$$), which, of course, we don’t have (and my bedroom’s up there,too, can you imagine going months without a bedroom?), and now I’m also wondering is it safe? maybe that’s why we have so many cracks and bulges in our walls and ceilings? Is the house structurally unsound? Is the foundation sinking and the house will eventually collapse or something if it hasn’t been built properly, will the third floor come crashing down onto the others?…..oh, shit, and I did notice a small sink-hole at one side of the house on the other side of the fence and the fence is leaning inwards,and how are we ever going to be able to sell it now? With our luck the entire house will likely get sucked into a gigantic sink hole….

My mother also always makes my hubby a special, separate meal when he doesn’t eat the same meal as the rest of us as if he’s royalty or something even though it’s not a restaurant and you eat what’s served or you go without(or get your own), except for him; she makes his own special stuff because he’s so picky and when I asked about it she coos, I take care of everyone when in actual fact what she really does is meddle, interfere and  take over everything,always with an ulterior motive, all the while acting like she’s some sort of martyr, and she goes out of her way and bends over backwards for my hubby,too, almost as if she’s trying to “win” him over, or impress him,getting him to take her “side”, and it’s so weird the way she treats him more like a son than she’s ever treated me like a daughter and how the two of them always stick together and gang up on me,scheming, and he’ll never stand up to her, either, or take my side or support me(and neither will she against him); it’s like they’re 2 evil partners in crime and I’m always the odd one out. He even tries to sabotage my bond with Buddy now too; he’ll purposely contradict any command I give him(eg. I tell him to Stay! and he’ll call him to Come!) to confuse him,lure him away from me, and to over-rule me and piss me off. I hate my toxic family. I wish I could just go away and never come back.

Early Birthday Lunch.

Screen Shot 12-28-17 at 03.04 PM My mother and I went out for my early birthday lunch. We went to our fave. Italian restaurant, also the finest dining in town but also expensive, which is why we only go twice a year, for birthday and Mother’s Day. Above is a photo of the left-overs we brought back home. We shared French onion soup, garlic bread, a chicken penne pasta with cheese, mushrooms and a creamy sauce, pizza with chicken, Feta cheese, mozzarella, mushrooms, hot peppers, onions, and sun-dried tomatoes, and the most decadent chocolate mousse cake imaginable. It was just beyond amazing and I savoured and relished every single bite. I swear I had an orgasm, and I have no doubt as well that gluttony is my biggest sin. With tip the bill came to 95$ but you only get what you pay for and honestly I can’t think of anything better to spend 95$ on… God it was just soooooo good and if I die now and it ended up being my last meal then at least I’ll die happy with a smile on my face and with a full stomach!

Also, if I really actually am going to die this year while I’m 50 I literally only have days left and I had this feeling before it’ll be on the 29th although I never knew which month; the 29th of what but if it is this YR this is the last month of the year and that makes today the last 29 th of this year as well so will it be today?It’s exciting though to think that I could finally be free in just mere hours, that Heaven is just so close….. my mother also thinks it’s her hemmoroids causing her rectal bleeding esp. as she said they were really itchy and she was scratching them and thinks she must have popped it causing the bleeding, which is next to nothing now, so it sure seems possible… It was nice having lunch out with her too, just the two of us, and we were able to talk and even almost “bond”, like in the Old Days when we were closer, before I had kids and she started meddling and taking over. There was actually a connection between us and it was nice.

The Gingerbread House.

Screen Shot 12-03-17 at 08.16 AM 001 The 14 and 16 YR olds tried to make a gingerbread house from scratch but as soon as they put the last piece on ( doesn’t it figure, right at the end, after all that time , effort,and hard work) it all collapsed, so instead of a gingerbread house it ended up a bunch of jagged and ragged broken gingerbread cookies instead, but the important thing is that they still taste the same. The 14 YR old also has this kind of “radar” where she can sniff out and detect every sneaky trick I do and put into her food, too, even the other day when I tried to sneak butter into her muffin by carefully and meticulously injecting it with a syringe! I melted the butter to a liquid and poked tiny little holes into it and injected it using a baby medicine dropper/syringe thinking she’d never know the difference, but she still did. I swear, that kid is like those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport that can detect anything. 

The 23 YR old also left a pizza on the floor in his room and of course Buddy could smell it so he opened the door, went in, opened the pizza box with his snout…..and ate all the pepperoni off it! but just the pepperoni,which also happens to be his fave. food, nothing else; he didn’t eat all the pizza, just the part he thought was his, and I guess he figured it was on the floor so it must have been left out for him because we put food down on the floor for him! He’s such a funny dog and always makes me laugh. A neighbour also asked me while I was out walking him what happened to our outdoor Christmas lights this year and I told her my hubby’s too lazy to do them this year and she said that was disappointing. I saw the perfect  Ugly Christmas sweater for me the other day at Spencers while I was out shopping too; it said Merry Christmas F*ckers! only it cost 69.99$ which is too expensive so I never got it. A Facebook friend in USA also had her first baby 2 days ago, on her 37th birthday, a 6 pound 7 oz girl, and she was in labour for 2 days and pushed for 4 hours! Man, it’s insane what we women go thru to bring babies into the world!

I had a bath bomb in my bath as well and it turned the water an orange-red colour and it looked like I’d been butchered, and the other night I was really nauseated(I had to come downstairs and get a Gravol) and on and off I would get really dizzy it felt like the room was spinning and then I’d feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it makes sense that my heart is what’s causing my issues, my seizures, my black-outs, my shortness of breath, my sweats, my not being able to exert myself , walk too far, and get breathless going up a flight of stairs, and my bad fluid retention, nagging cough I’ve had for months, blue lips I often get( poor circulation), cold hands(POOR CIRCULATION AGAIN) light-headedness, dizziness, extreme fatigue, etc.. maybe now I’ll finally have some answers!  I asked for insight from God as well and loudly and clearly the words ventricular fibrillation came into my head, which I have no idea of so I Googled it, and holy shit, if you’re going to have a heart issue this is like one of the worst possible ones to have; the electric rhythm is off-kilter and can it can just suddenly stop beating resulting in a fatal heart-attack. To this my mother replied, You always have to go to extremes, don’t you? You always have to have the worst or rarest of everything! Story of my life.


Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 08.08 PM The 22 YR old’s in California now visiting his GF and staying with her and her family and will be gone for 2 months. I love California,too, and, in fact, went there 6 or so times myself as a teen before we finally moved there when I was 17 but we didn’t stay long because we kept getting mugged. Such is our luck. Just as he was finishing up packing and zipping up his suitcase on the way out the zipper broke so I had to let him borrow my luggage but I love that luggage; it’s so funky and I paid a fortune for it so he better take good care of it and make sure it doesn’t get lost, abused, or stolen! I remember the last trip I was on about 2 YRS ago the same thing happened to my suitcase too, only in the airport hotel so I had to  rush and take the hotel’s airport shuttle and buy a new one at the luggage shop at the airport and it cost me 200$!

The 22 YR old has a big itinerary planned out for him as well; he’ll be going to Beverly Hills, a Korn concert( and his GF’s dad is a music promoter,too, so maybe they’ll even get backstage passes?) camping at the beach, etc. This will be his third time in Cali; the second time visiting her and  once with our family. I’m sure he’ll have fun and it’s a little treat for me,too as without him here I won’t have to lock my computer for 2 months as he’s not here to sabotage it by putting Hitler stuff on it or occult things just to annoy me, and we don’t have to hide our food,either, for fear he’s going to take it….. 😀

With my hubby away I also got to finally order the kind of pizza that I like (that would be mushroom and green pepper) instead of always getting the kind he wants all the time, and I enjoyed it so much( it also happened to be my Weed Day, and having Pizza Day and Weed Day on the same day was one of the  best decisions I  ever made!) I ate the entire pizza! (not all at once, mind you, but throughout the entire day!  I also shaved my head into my weekly Buzz-cut and I noticed as well that you can tell my mental state by the length of my hair and, like Katy Perry said, my eyelashes are longer than my hair.

It’s also Mother’s Day today but I decided that no matter what my toxic family may try to say or do to insult, provoke, annoy, or goad me, I’m just going to try and ignore them, stay away from them, and not let them ruin it for me,and how’s this for a sign from God; a nudge? I just got this random e-mail(but addressed to me) from my travel agent saying, What can I do to help you? and stating that she doesn’t only book cruises, but all types of vacations……how about that? Just at the exact time I knowneed to desperately get away if I’m going to have any chance of survival and want to go to a beach resort in the Caribbean….ok, God, that was pretty obvious…..I know that was you! ♥

Speaking of Mother’s Day, with my limitations, such as my Asperger’s, bipolar, depression, etc. it made parenting even harder and more challenging for me than for others, even more of a struggle, but it was my dream, and I did mean well and have good intentions and I did try and did my best, and did the best I could with what I had to work with, but I know the kids hate, blame, and resent me for it, and that I probably wasn’t the mother that they would have liked,wanted, or deserved, but I also can’t help it and I’m also sorry that I “passed on” my crazy on to them and made their lives more difficult having to grow up with a crazy person, but I ‘ve always loved them and cared about them and only ever wanted what was best for them and tried to protect them. I am sorry for being me and even if they don’t see it, or choose not to see it, I do love them in my own way, even if my Asperger’s, bipolar, and depression got in the way or may have “clouded” things and I apologize.


20 Pounds.

Screen Shot 04-01-17 at 09.56 AM I’ve noticed when I get out of the bath that I look and feel thinner, like there’s less of me, less flab, less jiggles and rolls, flatter stomach,smaller boobs, narrower hips…..just less so I suspected I might have lost some weight so I weighed myself on the scale, something I haven’t done in awhile as with the 13 YR old and her eating disorder we were told to hide the scale where she won’t have easy access to it as she was obsessively checking her weight several times a week. I did and I was surprised and shocked ( but happy!) to see  I’ve lost 20 pounds!  I needed to lose weight and can certainly use it but I was surprised as I haven’t even been dieting! I am now a skinny hippo!

I figure it must be my stress diet  as I’ve been under so much emotional stress, anxiety, and worry lately about the 13 YR old that I haven’t got much appetite lately and it’s been hard for me to eat and I have to force myself to eat and often find I skip meals and only end up with 2 meals a day, but also a combination as with my diuretic I would have lost about 5 pounds, plus about a month or so ago I stopped one of my anti-depressents as it had caused me to gain so much weight, like over 35 pounds, (don’t worry, I’m still taking  the other one) so maybe now I’m off it the weight is coming back off? It might also explain why I’ve been feeling so yucky lately; rapid weight loss, and I find it kind of ironic as well:I’m helping the 13 YR old recover from her eating disorder ( which also gives me purpose and my life meaning, helping her, and shows that she does still need me,too) and now I’m  the one losing weight!

I notice as well the 13 YR old eats much better when her sisters sit down and eat with her instead of with just my hubby or I (or, as the kids call us, The Oldies)  as she has a special bond with them and they’ve always been close and I got insight  what may have been the “trigger” for her eating disorder and self-harm starting 2 YRS ago: when the 20 YR old left for university! She was really close to that sister,too, and maybe when she moved out she took it really hard,and maybe she’s feeling  abandoned with her gone and in the fall the 17 YR old will also be off to university and in a couple more YRS so will the soon-to-be 16 YR old…..and then all her sisters will be gone and she’ll be stuck here all alone with just The Oldies and her little brother. Maybe she just feels all alone with everyone growing up and moving out and leaving her behind? Maybe she’s only always identified herself as part of a sibling group and  feels vulnerable on her own without her own identity and separate life? Just a thought….

The 13 YR old was also playing her new Zelda game as well and her character kept getting killed by an enemy that appears to be unbeatable and I told her everyone has a weakness, even the strongest enemy, you just have to find it and hit it. My biggest weakness is my kids, if they’re threatened, in danger, or of anything happened to them, yet when my family is endangered it also empowers me,too, as the fierce protective mother bear comes out, who will stop at nothing to protect her kids so my weakness actually makes me stronger. I also had my weed on pizza day and it worked out really well since weed enhances flavour and taste so pizza tasted even better than it normally does, and it made it into a whole new experience, and the 10 YR old loves pizza enough as it is; he was honestly even making moaning sex noises of pleasure eating his! It sounded pornographic!