Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

Raw Birth.

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-23-pm Here are some pretty amazing birth photos from BoredPanda from a birth photo competition that show the raw power and emotion of birth. They capture the journey of bringing forth new life and the anticipation, pain, strength, exhaustion,endurance, love, support, bonding, relief, joy,elation, emotion,and  wonder of the miracle of birth.













Gross Truths.

screen-shot-09-15-16-at-04-28-pm Have you ever read the truth about what really happens to your body when and after you give birth? All the true but gross details? Probably not. Well, I am here to enlighten you, a public service, if you will. All the pregnancy and birth books gloss over it, or maybe purposely leave it out as so not to scare you off or gross you out, and you probably wouldn’t want to believe it anyway, so here goes….

Contractions themselves feel like a tight belt of spikes facing inward being tightly squeezed around your middle and then the actual birth itself feels like your cooch is being pried open by a tire iron and the a blow torch being turned on. The baby’s head feels like a bowling ball and the birth itself feels like you’re shitting a football. If you want to know what it feels like, pull your lips back over your head, then you sort of get the idea. It’s not “discomfort” like the birthing books will try and tell you, it’s excruciating everlasting ungodly, unholy pain! It burns and it hurts! You are being stretched like never before, and your yoo-hoo will very likely( unless it’s made of elastic!) either tear or be cut and then be later stitched up, and when that happens it stings like a motherf*cker.

You are never fully prepared for your recovery after the baby is born. First of all, your belly looks like a big deflated balloon( as seen in the photo here), all stretched out, saggy,flabby, and just hangs there helplessly, sort of like a hot water bottle, or like a Shar-Pei dog, with all it’s wrinkles and folds. It’s a shocking, horrid sight that will literally bring you to tears, and no, it will not get much better unless, of course, you get a tummy-tuck. You will never get your body back the way it once was.

You will bleed like a stuck pig, and it can last for up to 6 weeks! I was shocked at how much blood there was, and standing up in the shower after the birth it just poured out of me like a faucet, and I even passed clots ranging in size from golfball-sized to fist-sized. It looked like my insides were falling out! I honestly thought I was bleeding to death there was so much  blood.I honestly don’t know how a person can possibly lose so much blood and still survive.I wish I had been prepared for how much you bleed after.

Afterpains. These get worse with each subsequent pregnancy, and it’s as the uterus contracts to shrink itself back down to normal size and also is triggered when the baby breastfeeds,and they can be quite painful, painful like contractions,and enough for Tylenol 3, and when you get them you can feel the blood gushing out of you as well. It’s just awful and one of those things they don’t tell you about.

Sitting down. Your bottom area will be sore for quite awhile after. It has been traumatized beyond measure and I wasn’t able to sit for literally a week afterwards with my first baby. I found that soaking in a tub of epsom salts for 30 minute periods helped, as did wearing a Tucks medicated pad, the same kind for hemmoroids.You can also make the same kind yourself by putting witch hazel on a maxi pad.

Bathroom function: It will burn when you pee for the first few days but I found that using a squeeze bottle with warm water on the area as you go pee is soothing and helps, and you will be constipated,too. I wasn’t able to shit for a good week. Your body is so traumatized it’s almost like it “forgot” how to shit! Take stool softeners and laxatives. My first shit was like a rock.

Breast-feeding. It may be natural but it’s not “easy”. It can even take up to 2 weeks for a baby to get the hang of latching on properly and it can be frustrating. When your milk comes in and your boobs are engorged(esp. first thing in the morning, but even if you go too long between feeds) and they will be hard, hot, heavy, veins bulging, sore, and leaking thru your shirt, and I mean really leaking; the front of your shirt will end up soaked! You will wake up in the mornings with 2 big round wet circles on the front of your shirt. I found wearing nursing pads( which fit in your bra) helped.

Sex: This is what got you into this mess in the first place, so you probably won’t be thinking about it for awhile and it’s likely the last thing on your mind with your broken body and your sleepless nights(you will feel like a prisoner of war you will be so sleep deprived with a newborn) but you must wait 6 weeks anyway for the body to heal and be warned: expect it to hurt the first time you do it after you’ve had a baby as the area will still be tender as it’s healing.


The Baby.

Screen Shot 06-20-16 at 06.31 PM I had a dream last night that I had a baby, a girl( I am in the photo here prego with our youngest, who is now 9) which I know isn’t true since I’m still on “Aunt Flow”, plus at my age (49) the “plumbing” is now  broken and I’m too old for that shit now, but wouldn’t it be a “scream” it I ever DID have another baby though? There are worse things that could happen ,though; having cancer would be worse, having AIDS would be worse, being taken hostage by terrorists would be worse, being shot would be worse, etc…plus I couldn’t breast-feed anymore now since I’ve had the 2 breast reduction surgeries AND we’ve given  away all our baby stuff; all the baby clothing, cribs, car seats, playpen, etc. so we’d have to start all over again, and now the kids are older I’m practically “home-free” now  and I’m enjoying the idea of no more kids now and I can just take it easy and relax and enjoy things. It was just a dream, though, but it sure freaked me out just the same. I can’t even imagine…..

Screen Shot 06-20-16 at 07.14 PM Here is also the 15 YR old’s new manicure and I’m considering going and getting MY nails done now,too; I’ve never been to a nail salon before or had it done and it might be the “cure” I need for my nail-biting…. she also has this slushie cup that looks like a bong and it just cracks me up, esp. when she blows bubbles into it…..then I really start losing my shit….

BodhiAndKamarin and here is a sweet photo of the 21 YR old and his friend in California relaxing on the hammock. He comes back home Sunday and she returns with him and stays for the remainder of the summer. I just love this picture; it’s so cute,and you can just see the love in her eyes; the way she’s looking at him. I wish someone looked at me like that, too. We’re getting a big-ass storm rolling in any time now as well, incl. ping-pong-ball-sized hail and a tornado warning even came thru on the Emergency Broadcast network on the TV and I love a good thunderstorm at night when I’m snuggled in bed under my covers, but a tornado not so much….the 17 YR old was also laughing and having fun with her friends and it brought back happy nostalgic memories of my own teen YRS and I hope she cherishes these times and enjoys them now, and that she ponders them in her heart and keeps them as good memories to fondly look back on later, just as I did, and that now she realizes them for the happy times that they are and enjoys the moment.


Pregnancy, Birth and Baby Myths.

 Having had 11 kids here is my advice on all those pregnancy and birth books that down-play and sugar-coat pretty well everything. Here are things they say that are lies, or at the very least, myths, and what I wish someone had told me when I was expecting my first child:


They say you will feel “extra tired”. This is an understatement. You are sooo tired that you can barely keep your eyes open. You can’t get thru the day without a nap. You have such fatigue it’s the extreme kind like when you’re fighting off an illness. The only other times I felt as tired was when I had pneumonia, a liver disorder, and when I was breast feeding, which is also exhausting, even more so than being prego.You are so sleep deprived you know what being a prisoner of war must feel like.This must be what narcolepsy feels like; you always want to nod off.Making a baby is hard work and take alot out of your body!


Morning sickness as they call it is supposed to occur in mornings during the first 12 weeks. For me it wasn’t just in the morning but ALL day,and not on and off either; all day for 12 weeks straight and I wasn’t just queasy,either; I BARFED!


They say your appetite will “increase”. That’s putting it mildly. I was ravenously hungry and had to eat every 2 hours. I would have a TV dinner for a snack.I was always eating and starving-mad hungry all the time.I gained 50 pounds with my first!


You don’t just pee a bit more. I went to the bathroom literally every 10 min. and 3-4 times during the night.Your bladder feels like it’s the size of a pea and it has a watermelon constantly pressing on it. Poor anatomy design plan on God’s part if you ask me. Why couldn’t the bladder be on TOP of the uterus, NOT under it?


They describe labour pains as “discomfort.” Now that’s a laugh! Discomfort is if you stub your toe. Labour is the worst most excruciating pain there is(medical studies have proven it to be the most severe and extreme pain a human can experience) it even hurts more than after surgery.I give my immobilizing headaches a 10/10 and give labour a 12.It was the worst pain I have ever had in my life!! They describe it like “bad period cramps”; that’s like saying you just need an aspirin when your leg’s been cut off. Now very EARLY labour you feel crampy, but when full-blown labour hits you, you will be climbing the walls, screaming in pain,and praying to either be knocked out cold or killed. I drifted to the edge of unconsciousness from the pain. It can be compared to shitting a watermelon, or pulling your lips back over your head, or trying to force a St. Bernard thru a cat door.It feels like a belt with spikes poking inwards being pulled tight around your body, released, tightened again, etc. almost like some sick cosmic torture device.When you’re in heavy labour NO amount of focusing on anything will work. You won’t care less about your focal point when it gets that bad. It helps in the early stages but nothing works later, esp. during transition. Nothing that is except either going into a coma or getting an epidural!


When the baby’s head appears(called “crowning”) they describe the sensation as a “burning.” HA! It feels like a tire iron is ripping your you-know-what open and a blow torch being turned on. That’s the closest description to it. It hurts so bad you howl like a mad animal and I tensed up so much with the pain I almost pushed myself right up over the top of the bed!


After a birth, you will bleed(called “locia”) they compare it to a “heavy period”. Ha, ha, very funny! Mine was more a hemmorage. I had blood clots ranging in size from golf ball size  to as big as the baby’s head. When I stood up blood all gushed out and ran down the legs. I soaked thru a pad a minute. This is NOT like any period I’ve ever had,and it lasts 6 weeks, even when breastfeeding. I wish someone had prepared me for how much you really bleed afterwards. It was quite alarming and frightening.When I passed my first clot I thought my insides were falling out.


They make breastfeeding look so natural and “easy.” It is natural, but it’s not “easy”. It took me 2 weeks to get the “hang” of it.It’s not easy to get a baby latched on and to stay latched on in the beginning, esp. when they’re so sleepy and don’t want to eat. You also generally have to feed every 2-3 hours and for the first few months that’s pretty much all you do. My nipples were black and blue, hurt, were scabbed and bleeding and every time the baby latched on tears ran down my face with wincing pain. You also leak like a faucet and soak thru your shirts and end up with big wet circle stains.I struggled with it so much at the beginning I almost gave up.It is also very painful when your boobs are engorged with milk; they are big, hot, tender,heavy, leaking and have prominent veins.Nursing is also very exhausting and makes you very hungry as well.I literally felt like I had the life sucked out of me.

Secondary infertility?

Even though I have 11 kids I think I may have secondary infertility and this thought makes me sad; sad I’ll never again  feel the flutters of life growing inside me, sad I’ll never hold a newborn again or breastfeed. Sad there will no longer be any more babies in the house. I have been pregnant and had babies for the past almost 20 years and  even though all things must come to an end this saddens me and it feels like an identity crisis. I won’t know what to DO with myself! It took 3 YEARS to get prego with the last one and he’s 2 years old now and nothing since; am I starting menopause? God opens and closes the womb,and although I am grateful I’ve had many babies the fact that it may be over now(I’m 42) fills me with a loss.