What If I’m Wrong?

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 11.37 AM I’ve always thought my entire life, ever since I was a kid, that I would die before I’m 50, and if that’s true then it’s going to be really soon as I’m running out of time as I turn 50 in January. I’d just always had a feeling, and thought, hoped, assumed,planned, and accepted it……

But what if I’m wrong?

What if all this time I was wrong and I don’t ? What if January and my birthday comes and goes and I turn 50 and I’m still here? Then what? I hadn’t counted on that or planned that far. I have no “back up plan”, I can’t even  imagine YRS, or even worse, decades still left to live; what will I do with myself? I hadn’t planned on living that long…but what if it turns out I’m wrong and I don’t die before I’m 50 afterall? I had never really considered it before and just sort of always assumed it, but now it’s really close  the thought occurred, what if  not? Then what?

For one thing I will be really disappointed, let-down, and pissed-off. I don’t want to live any longer than I  have to and the sooner I go, the better. If I turn 50 and I’m still here I’m going to be really mad and I’ll never hear the end of it from my family,too; but why would I  have that life-long feeling if it weren’t true though?(and I had the same kind of feeling for YRS we’d have a fire too and we did) I still have a few short months left to “test” the theory but if it proves to be wrong I don’t know what I’m going to DO…..

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 07.28 PM Here is also a picture of some of the guys at FanExpo in their hand-made costumes.I think my hubby looks kind of like Ozzy Osbourne, ha,ha! I have absolutely no idea who they’re supposed to be; some anime characters. They got back home in time for my hubby to pick me up after church but he still didn’t and I had to walk and I was all hot,tired,and out of breath and I was mad; he could have at least picked me up so I’d only have to walk the one way,  and for lunch we ordered in pizza too and could only have 2 pieces each and of course my mother snatched up the biggest piece and her one piece was as big as both of mine together(plus she had another one as well) so I wrote “pig” on a note and put it on her pizza….and then she wrote a note for me that said “Pothead” and left it on my place-setting.

Walking home from church yesterday I almost got hit by a car too as I was daydreaming and not paying attention and that happens alot; my head’s always up in the clouds, and who says fantasies, dreams, and rich imaginations are only for kids? No way! I *still* have an active fantasy life and lively imagination and you’re never too “old” to dream! I happen to like living in my head and I prefer it as it’s better than my reality.

 

Being Fey.

Warning(new) My grandmother used to call it “being Fey”; the ability to know ahead of time what’s going to happen, to know things you wouldn’t normally otherwise know, to have warnings(dreams, thoughts, visions) ahead of time of things that later end up happening, of knowing when you’re going to die, to have dreams that later come true, etc. She had that gift, I have it, my 15 YR old has it and so does my mother to a certain degree, as does my hubby. I remember when I was a kid my grandmother telling me how she saw this story on the news about a missing woman and she knew she was dead and knew exactly where the body was( in some hidden obscure place); she’d had a vision of it, even though the police were looking all  over for a long time, and when I asked her if she called the police and told them where they could find her she said no because then they’d think she had something to do with it ( I hadn’t thought of that) and later on when they’d eventually found the body it was exactly where she’d thought.

As for my mother, she has this “feeling” that she should go and visit her own mother( who she hadn’t seen in YRS) so she did and then shortly after her mother died. She also gets an uneasy feeling if something feels  not right and then avoids it, which my hubby has as well, such as driving down a certain road he gets a bad feeling as a warning so he’ll turn on to another road and then just seconds to minutes later finds out there’s been a bad accident on the road he was just on. As for our 15 YR old she has dreams that later end up coming true and sees things in dreams and in an order of sequence that later occur in the same sequence she saw in her dreams and remembered it.

Mine is more complicated: Even when I was a kid I remember it; for my entire life I had dreams that would later come true, ranging from seeing people in my dreams I don’t know and then later on meeting them in real life and recognizing them from my dreams,dreaming something I ordered will come in the mail the next day and it does, dreaming for YRS we would have a fire, KNOWING we would, not just a fear and knowing it was more than just a dream, and then we eventually did but because of the recurring warning dreams I was prepared and we all got out alive( even though the fire chief was baffled as it spread so fast and couldn’t see how we all got out alive) and knowing our son had leukemia even though he didn’t have the classic symptoms; I just KNEW in my heart that he did AND I kept having dreams that he did, incl. a particularly chilling one where I kept hearing a voice calling out sternly, “CANCER!” and woke me up in a cold sweat. I had dreams and a feeling as well that we were unsafe where we were and an enemy would come for us, which they did and we had to flee on short notice and move elsewhere. I also have had a feeling my entire life that I would die before I’m 50…..the same knowing feeling that I had about the fire….and the cancer. In any case, these are powerful abilities and not to be ignored. I certainly tune into it and pay attention and listen. Personally I believe it’s Heavenly intervention to protect us, guide us and to keep us safe. Whether it’s God, the Holy Spirit or our Guardian Angels ( or a combination) I am grateful for the “heads up” and advanced warnings and I heed the warnings.

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As well, the 11 YR old said she has 3 black hairs on her “rude-part” and tried to brush them off and pull them off thinking they were dirt but they wouldn’t come off and then realized they were pubes (she’s been in puberty for a YR already and has boobs and wears deoderant) and I told her that means “Aunt Flow” will be coming soon,too, and she said she doesn’t want to get it and asked me what can she do to prevent it! I told her it’s natural and just something she’ll have to put up with,so she searches on the Internet how to prevent it and it said to not eat spicy food, to exercise, and to avoid food that puts heat to your belly, etc. and I told her that’s just a load of horse crap; the only way you can delay it is hormone injections but she’s NOT getting into that! She’s also a good 2 inches or so taller than the 13 YR old who hasn’t even started to develop yet!

What If I’m Wrong?

GrimReaper I’ve always had a “feeling” that I’ll die before I’m 50 (I’m 46 now) ever since I was a kid; a sort of”knowing” feeling, just like how I did ever since I was 9 YRS old that we’ll have a fire, and we DID, 17 YRS ago. I’ve never known HOW, just that I would die before I’m 50. If so, that doesn’t leave me much time. I was thinking the other day though: what if I’m wrong? What if I DON’T? Then what? I have believed this ,thought this, planned on this, counted on this, and hoped this, my entire life, and if I don’t, I won’t know what to do, will be disappointed, pissed-off, let down, angry,and won’t know what to do. I have no other plans. I can’t imagine living ANOTHER 30, 40, or even 50 YRS like this, into my 70’s, 80’s, or even 90’s, miserably unhappy, in a life I hate, a place I hate, where everyone hates me(incl. my own family) and picks on me. I’m tired of being bullied my whole life,living here, being fat, ugly, stupid, cursed with bad luck and misfortune, and know I’ll never be happy again. I’d kill myself before then. I hope so much that I’m NOT wrong, but what if this is yet something ELSE that doesn’t work out or go right for me,TOO? I’m looking forward to dying and finally escaping my miserable existance and Purgatory on Earth! I will finally be FREE! It’s my only way OUT!

While I was typing on my keyboard the 18 YR old also came up behind me and snickered, “What would happened if I pressed Alt- F 4?”(which would delete everything I was doing) and then gave a menacing laugh, and when I asked him why he always harrasses me he shrugged, “Because it’s fun!” and said it’s “karma” and “payback” my kids bully me like *I* “bully” MY mother, even though in reality it’s the kids copying seeing how SHE treats me and they imitate HER and treat me the same way; learned behaviour, and my hubby says I should “just ignore” him and that MY “attitude” (“letting” him rile me up and get to me) is the problem but it’s NOT that “easy” and it’s like telling kids to just “ignore” bullies; he’s obviously never BEEN bullied; it doesn’t work that way. It hurts even more the way he treats me because I still love him in spite of it, and we used to be close once, when he was little so that makes it even worse.

The 10 YR old’s the only one that loves me and she’s my life-line, the only light in my life,and the only thing that keeps me going and why I haven’t killed myself yet because I don’t want to leave her, I don’t want her to be left devastated or leave her behind or left alone with those wolves who will tear her apart( like they do to me) without me here to protect her(and they’ll target her because she actually does love me and because she’s a “sensitive soul” like I am) and now I take the brunt of their attacks but with me not here I fear they’ll turn on her without me here to defend her. If not for that I would have killed myself a long time ago. She’s the only reason I’m still alive. No one else would care if I was gone or miss me. They’d probably even be better off.

Another reason I’m ready to die soon is I have no future, no more hopes, dreams, or plans left, and the 4 things that I want the most and that would make me happy( to have a Chihuahua again, move back to the city, move out of Canada, and live on my own) are also always going to be out of my reach either due to financial reasons, my Asperger’s, or my mother and hubby stifling me, so there’s no joy and happiness in my life anymore,and this is all there is, it’s not going to get any better or change, this is it, this is my life, this is as “good” as it’s going to get,and there’s nothing left to look forward to anymore,and I don’t want to be alive to see my future sons and daughters-in-law or grandchildren,either,  as with my Asperger’s and Social Phobia I can’t relate to people so it’s best to just stay away and I DON’T want to be a grandmother like MY mother,either; meddling, interfering, over-bearing, over-stepping boundaries,and don’t want to strain and get in-between the relationships between my kids and their kids like she’s done to me and my kids; she’s turned them against me,and having grandkids would just be like having kids all over again,too, except when I’m old and have less patience to put up with all their shit, so I hope I die before my kids get married and have kids so I won’t have to worry about dealing with it.

As well, if I die before I’m 50 I also won’t have to worry about my future later once all the kids have grown up, moved out and have their own adult lives and my mother’s died and my hubby’s left me and I’ll be all alone and stranded with no $$$, nowhere to go, and no one to take care of me, as with my Asperger’s and no life, job, or social skills I can’t survive on my own( as much as I WANT to be able to live on my own) and I’d end up homeless on the street. If I live a long life what will become of me? Where will I GO? What will I DO? There’s no future or future provisions for me, so it’s best I do die young.

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” – C.S. Lewis