Progress!

Screen Shot 10-24-17 at 01.57 PM The tie-dyed socks I’d ordered arrived,and here they are! They’re bamboo as well so they’re really nice and soft and comfy. The 14 YR old’s appointment at the eating disorders clinic was a really good one yesterday as well and she’s making progress, meeting important milestones, turning a corner, and showing hopeful signs of health, recovery,progress, gain, and healing, for the first time in a long time, since July actually, she gained over a pound as well,  and for the first time I actually have hope and feel like there’s a chance that she just might be able to get thru this! I pray every day that it’s not a life-long struggle and I’ve noticed an improvement in her depression and mood too as 3 times last week she was laughing,and I mean really laughing, laughing so hard tears were coming out of her eyes and she was shaking and it was lasting for a long time and it was so nice to see her laugh, to see her happy. Thank you, God!

On the drive there and back I also always admire the pretty fall trees with their gold, orange, red,yellow,and brown colours and there was one area where all the trees had yellow leaves all except for one tree that stood right in the middle which was all red,and it stood out, different than all the others and it was stunning, and that’s what makes it so beautiful and special, and then I thought why don’t I see myself the same way,too? I’m also different and stand out, yet I don’t see myself as special or beautiful, just as odd and out of place and not fitting on or belonging. Why is that?

Driving by I saw this big swamp of  rushes as well and they were so tall and graceful, uniformly blowing and swaying gently in the breeze and it was captivating and just suddenly struck me as one of the most peaceful, perfect,and serene things I have ever seen, it was just so peaceful and perfect,enjoy the small things in life, and we passed a farm so lush green it reminded me of Ireland and Scotland, and in the van I’d lean my seat back, close my eyes, listen to my music and imagine I was on a plane, flying off to some destination alone, away from my toxic family and unhappy life, off somewhere, to start a new life,  every bump in the road feeling like turbulence, and I pray to God every day to show me how to learn to laugh, love,and live again.

Validation…Then Blame.

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 03.05 PM First of all at the clinic it went well: the 14 YR old’s back to putting weight on again ( and over her temporary setback it would seem) instead of losing it, and the NP said that the medication is helping and she even increased the dose from 10 mg up to 20 mg, admitting that  I was right all along! I knew she needed the anti-depressant! She can tell she’s starting to feel better as well, and she’s more bubbly now,too, and more “playful”.

Now the bad part, the same as the past 3 weeks….. the new social worker said once again during the family therapy session how I’m not able to bond with my kids, have “attachment issues”am “avoidant”, the kids don’t “feel secure”, insinuating I’m a bad mother, neglectful, and blaming me for the 14 YR old’s eating disorder, etc, that I didn’t bond or “attach” well with her as a baby,etc…. which is a load of shit, esp. since I was the closest to her of all the kids when she was younger, and I swear, as God is my witness, I’ve been an excellent mother to her, and loved her more than anything and was the closest to her….yet it still wasn’t enough…..she still ended up messed-up and they still blame me and say it’s my fault anyway? I just can’t “win” either way, no matter what I do. (I think it’s likely genetic and she simply inherited mental illness.)

Then the therapist has the nerve to ask me why I’m “defensive” (which I didn’t even realize that I was; it was just an instinctual survival mechanism and automatic response to attack) to her and everything that she was saying, even though she made me always feel under attack, and made me cry,too, and she scolded me and talked down to me like I was a misbehaving dog, and I felt she was being dismissive and always taking my hubby’s side, and he kept praising himself as this great involved father and said that the kids see my mother at the mother figure and not me; it’s like not only have I been pushed out, I’ve also been replaced, and he complained that I “didn’t used to be like this” ( not going out and do things, being less social, so withdrawn and broken,etc..) but that was also before I was beaten down and broken by all of the traumas in my life,too; it was before any of that had happened, so of course I wasn’t like this before! The therapist also criticized me saying it’s not good for the 14 YR old to see her mother and therapist arguing…..oh, but it’s ok for her to see her therapist tear down her mother every week? She warned it’s only going to get worse as well….. I can’t keep doing this. This is taking a heavy toll on me. A price I can’t afford to pay….

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 07.16 PM  I prayed to God for strength and direction, as being blamed and made to feel like shit for the past 3 weeks in a row has beaten me down even more, and the suicidal feelings are back again. Then I saw this inspirational saying show up on my Facebook feed. It ironically came from a poster called, “God”. Whaddya know. It came at just the right time and right when I needed it most.  I just hope it’s true. All this therapy crap has done is rub it in what a shitty person I am, how useless and hated I am for having Asperger’s and bipolar and how it ruins all my relationships and makes me a shitty mother, reminding me of what a failure I am at everything in life, how I can’t do anything right, and how I’m always hated and blamed for being me even though I can’t help it, and I struggle with it every single day, and all I ever get my entire life is criticism  and blame and for once I just want someone to show me some compassion  and kindness.

I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore though, attending the family therapy sessions, I mean. It’s harmful to me emotionally and mentally and is pushing me to the edge, and making me feel badly about myself. it’s too much stress. It wrecks my nerves. I am supportive of the 14 YR old and her recovery,and I’ve been going to her app’t’s weekly for the past 6 months, but I can’t keep doing this to myself; I’m an emotional wreck after, just shattered, feeling bullied and ganged-up on, and what if they’re right? What if I am the problem? I certainly don’t mean to be, want to be, or purposely try to be, and if I am the problem  and if I am responsible for her brokenness that would be too heavy a burden to bear, too heavy a load to carry, and the guilt would just be too overwhelming to live with,and it would be best for everyone if I was just removed from the equation. No one wants me around anyway, and if I’m the problem everyone would all be better off with me gone.

I just want to disappear and fly away. I’m just so defeated, so broken. I’m no “use” to anyone anyone; just a problem, a burden.If everything really is my fault and I am the problem  then why should I even bother? Why keep trying? At this point I don’t even want to be a part of this family anymore, they’ve pushed me so far away and beaten me down so much, I just want out.

Fiona Update.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 12.26 PM Remember Fiona the baby hippo born premature at the Cincinatti Zoo(I don’t know if I spelled that right; I’m never sure how to spell Cincinatti; that’s a hard one; how many “n’s” or “t’s” are in that exactly?) back in January at only 29 pounds, when she should have been around 100 pounds and they didn’t know if she would even live? Well, here we are now, 6 months later, and I’m happy to update you that Fiona is doing very well! She has gained so much weight that she is now over 400 pounds, healthy, strong, caught up weight-wise,and is going to make it! Yay, Fiona! You go, girl!! Isn’t she such a beauty though? Just so precious. I have been following her story ever since, following her on Facebook and even praying for her…..yes, I even pray for animals,too…..anyone got a problem with that? God loves all His creatures, and it says in the Bible that not even one sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing.

Fiona is still mainly being bottle fed milk(and she goes thru something crazy like 40 litres a day!) at this stage as hippos aren’t normally weaned until 8 months although she does have some fruits and veggies slowly being introduced into her diet, like how you would with a human baby. She has also been reintroduced under supervision to her biological hippo parents ( she had been hand-raised by zoo caregivers since her premature birth as she needed intensive round-the-clock, one-on-one care,and there was also the fear that her own mother might have rejected her for being a “runt”) and they have integrated well and swim around and frolic together in the community pool, with her mother Bibi acting protectively towards her which is also a good sign. I just love a good story with a happy ending.

So Fiona gained close to 400 pounds over 6 months and I checked my weight and I’ve lost 7 more pounds, now for a total of 49 pounds over 5 months, from the end of February to the end of July, and the best thing is I’m not even trying to lose weight; I’m not even dieting! I couldn’t lose this much weight even if I tried, even on diets I’ve never been able to lose this much, so I don’t question why……I just enjoy it! I call it my Stress Diet. All my “jiggly” parts are either shrunken down much smaller now or have disappeared, incl. flatter stomach, hardly any “bingo wings”,no double-chin, less flabby bits, rolls, “love handles”, “saddle bags”, etc… but the sad thing is though that I’ve also lost my big buffalo butt and I sort of liked my big ass and now it’s sort of flat and looks like it deflated…. maybe that’s why it also hurts alot more now whenever I sit for too long; I haven’t got all the padding there I used to!

I also discovered that looking at sunflowers is even more fascinating after you’ve had weed, and it was really hot( 34 C humidex) but after I’ve had weed for some reason I don’t “feel” the heat as much and am not as “sensitive” to it, so maybe my body temperature cools down or something, making me more “heat resistant”, but it’s the strangest thing, and then after a few hours once it wore off I was back to hot and sweaty again! I guess that’s why it’s so popular in Jamaica and other hot tropical places,too, so you’re not bothered as much by the heat! 🙂

I also got an e-mail from the medical marijuana supplier informing me of a new product and it sounds awesome: cannabis oil chewy gummies! You know, like those vitamins! The form I take it now is an oil taken with a dropper but this sounds like so much fun, like candy for potheads! My mother said kids would think it’s gummie bears and eat them but I’m sure that they have the child-proof lids on the bottle just like my cannabis oil does…duuuhhh….I think that would go without saying since it’s a drug and would be safe-guarded like any other medication…I also think the 14 YR old’s anti-depressant might be starting to work already (they said it takes 2 weeks but I noticed mine starting in just a few days, and my theory is the more severe the depression the sooner you notice the change) and I can just sense something different in her. She seems to have this light, this spark, that wasn’t there before. I mean it used to be there when she was her old self, before the depression and eating disorder took hold of her, but I haven’t seen it in the past 2-3 years…..I think the darkness just might be starting to clear…..oh, I sure hope so….

Shit-Storm.

Screen Shot 07-10-17 at 02.18 PM The 14 YR old went to her eating disorders clinic app’t yesterday and we had the second-oldest come with us as well, as requested by the therapist, who wanted her input. I expected a shit-storm as I was prepared for battle as the mama bear in me was all ready to give it my all and go full force on them to finally put her on an anti-depressant for her obvious worsening depression…..and thank God, they finally did! She got a prescription for Prozac, the same thing I’m on, and that did wonders for me and literally saved my life. They said it’ll take 2 weeks or so to start working, although with me I started to notice the effects in a matter of days; I could literally feel something “shifting” and it felt like this black cloud was just …….dissipating. Then they went into their usual spiel how they don’t like to medicate kids and they don’t want her on medication long-term and that the behaviour therapy is the best treatment for depression,(and how it’s not working as she “doesn’t put enough “effort” into it) etc.. but I’m just glad they finally got her on something, and it’s a SSRI as well, so if she does have a chemical imbalance like I do (which is likely given it’s likely genetic and inherited) this should do the trick as it replaces low seratonin levels….

Thank God. Finally.

The second-oldest also offered when it was discussed that the 14 YR old and I have “relationship problems” ( although what mothers and teenage girls don’t?) that I have relationship problems with all my kids,and then the blame-game began, where I felt ganged-up on and attacked and I was accused of not being able to form attachments which affect my relationships due to my Asperger’s and bipolar, and due to my social phobia and depression I don’t participate in family activities or go anywhere or do anything socially because being with people (esp in crowds or strangers) gives me panic attacks and makes me nervous, uneasy, anxious, self-conscious, and uncomfortable, and they said I isolate myself for having different interests than they do( such as they like anime, sci-fi, and board games and I don’t; I have nothing against it, it’s just not my thing) so I don’t participate, when in actual fact they blame and hate me and exclude me and push me away because of my limitations , disabilities,and differences, and the more they push me out and exclude me, the more isolated I become and the more I withdraw back into myself and withdraw into my own world, and also to try to stay away from them to avoid conflict and simply because I can’t take their abuse anymore. I’m in the wrong family. I simply don’t fit.

The social worker also said she recommends that I go to group therapy counselling to help me with attachment , emotions,and relationships due to my mental health issues, but I’m not so sure about that as with my social phobia the idea of being there with a roomful of strangers is very unnerving, not to mention opening up and expressing my innermost feelings and issues to a group of strangers, I’d just embarrass myself and feel really vulnerable, and besides, I’d need a referral from my family doctor first and my hubby’s always complaining whenever he has to drive me anywhere and the therapy is in another town and he already complains about all my app’t’s as it is, plus she also said that it’s something the entire family would have to take part in and they’re not going to bother, esp. not just for me,and it’s something else they’ll have to use against me to blame me for, and what good would talking about it do,anyway? It’s not going to cure it or change anything.I need to get out of this toxic family.

As for not going to family activities, my hubby used Wonderland as an example, but it’s mostly all rides there and I don’t go on the rides because I can’t stand in those long line-ups or else I faint, so what am I supposed to do there the entire time? Just walk around and be bored…..and endure the long 2 HR drive there….and 2 HR drive back….for something I don’t do? He also mentioned the kids’ Cadets but I don’t agree with the military and I’m not going to something I don’t support or believe in as that would be hypocritical, and I have gone to some of the kids’ events, esp. before, when they were younger, before the worst of the traumas broke me hard and I was able to function better and do more, and before they got older and imitated my mother and hubby in bullying me and reduced me to this; when they were younger they weren’t like that; they’d even say to me, Why does Papa make you cry?” but now they’re older they copy seeing how they treat me and now I’m just so beaten down and have just given up. They’ve pushed me out of this family and made me feel unwanted and unwelcome…..so then why so upset when they feel I don’t take part anymore? Isn’t that what they want? They’ve succeeded in driving me out.

I don’t think I necessarily have trouble forming attachments though as I did the Attachment Parenting thing when the kids were babies, incl. breastfeeding on demand and carrying them around strapped to my chest in a baby “sling”, and I was the one who was the most involved and engaged with them then, plus I do have a strong bond with my dog as well, and my BFF and I have been friends ever since we were 12, and I’m still in contact with other friends I went to school with as well, so I do have bonds and friendships that have endured and am able to form attachments…..just not with my toxic family because of how they treat me! It’s kind of difficult to form close attachments with people that are constantly putting you down, making you feel like a burden, blaming and hating you for your disabilities, bullying you, always criticizing and belittling you, and making you feel like an outsider in you own home. How can I be expected to grow flowers in the desert?

F*ck.

Hawt.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.11 PM 001 It’s been really hot here the past few days, and I do mean sweltering, 30 C with the humidex 37 C or higher. It’s even hotter than it was in Cuba because of the humidity. I like it hot and sunny, but not humid, which is too hot; it’s oppressive and unbearable. When it gets like this the air also feels so “thick” I find it hard to even breathe and I often feel like I’m going to pass out. I like the temperature/heat like in California, warm but not humid, but not like in Florida where it’s really humid. It’s nice in the Caribbean,too, it’s hot but not humid due to the fact that it’s surrounded by water on all sides being that they’re all islands.

As well, now the 14 YR old’s going to the eating disorders clinic every 2 weeks instead of every week and when we were there yesterday( our last weekly app’t) on the elevator my hubby didn’t look where he was going and backed up and stepped on my foot and never even apologized either so I said, Watch it! but still instead of just saying sorry he blames me and goes, You should move further back! and so I said to him, If it were someone else you stepped on, I’d hope you’d at least say “sorry” to them and not “move to the back! You’re so rude! Just showing once again how he has zero consideration for me and he was condescending to me and put me down in front of the behaviour therapist too and she gave me this sad, sympathetic look, but at least she knows how he treats me and now other people see too how I’m emotionally abused; I have witnesses, it’s not just me saying so! He obviously doesn’t see anything wrong with it,either since he even does it in front of other people!

The NP also asked what’s the best treatment for anxiety and I blurted out Prozac! and she gives me this look and says, No……Cognitive Behaviour  Therapy! but she’s never been a big “fan” of medication though even though sometimes you really do need it, such as with me; I have a chemical imbalance and no amount of this psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo will fix a chemical imbalance; only medication can do that, and the 14 YR old was saying she’s still having trouble sleeping and they still wouldn’t give her anything for it except said to keep up with her “therapy techniques” and try melatonin, a natural treatment, and it made me mad; if she needs medication to sleep, to feel better,and to help with her obvious depression, then what’s the problem? It’s better than being suicidal, and I know what it feels like and I don’t want her suffering like that,esp. needlessly, and if medication may help her why not at least try it instead of  all this nonsense, esp. since it’s most likely genetic….

The social worker also asked the 14 YR old about reading and asked her if she likes the Harry Potter books and she said no, and she kept pressing, like she wanted her to try and she kept saying no, not interested, and I informed her, They’re occult and glorify witchcraft; we don’t get involved in that and she looked taken aback and then asked my hubby Do you  agree with this too? and of course he jumped at the chance to make me look like an idiot, to embarrass me, the only one, and he said, No, just her, I watched all the movies! so I added, But he’s a godless heathen and doesn’t care!  but at least she’d also get to see how he was so quick to leave me flapping in the wind all on my own like that, how eager he was to sell me out, to show no support, and he’s like that with everything and he never has my back or supports me and has such little regard for me that even in the van he hogs up all the cup holders for his drinks so I have no place( in the passenger seat up front) to put mine; it doesn’t matter, big things or little things; he jumps at every opportunity to put me down, to discredit me, to belittle me, to dismiss me, to devalue me, etc. and meeting him was my biggest regret in life and the happiest day in my life will be the day I finally divorce him.

I also wish I was the Old Me again. She knew how to smile. She used to laugh and have fun. She used to be happy.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 01.51 PM

I saw this really cool car(just like this one) in a local car lot for the longest time as well and fell in love with it. This is the perfect car for me. I just love it and if I could drive this would be the car I’d get: 2016 blue Mustang with black stripe. It’s just so me. My foot’s getting better now,too, it looks smaller, not as red anymore and starting to scab over. It also concerns me the way the kids have no regard for God, Jesus, or religion, anymore,and the 14 YR old, for instance, refers to God as an invisible sky-daddy  and doesn’t even think He’s real and thinks I’m stupid for believing in something you can’t prove, and makes fun of my faith, they all do, my hubby and mother included, even though I did raise the kids godly and righteous…..I don’t know what happened…..they got indoctrinated by the world I guess and turned away from their faith and it breaks my heart but I pray every day that they come back…

 

Doctor.

screen-shot-01-13-17-at-10-49-am-001 I saw my family doctor about the lesion on my shoulder/back that I suspect may be melanoma/skin cancer and I also asked him for a referral to a gynecologist for my excessively heavy and painful periods which may be anything from uterine cancer to fibroids to endometriosis to polyps, and I also informed him about my seizures. He took a look at the lesion and he said he doesn’t think it looks like cancer yet he still was concerned enough to schedule a biopsy in 2 weeks to be sure. It turns out that I don’t have to go see a dermatologist afterall( which certainly saves time!) he just does it right there in the office and results take 2-3 weeks. He says he’ll just put a local freezing in the area, cut out a chunk,and give me a couple of stitches,and that’s it.

As for the issues with “Aunt Flow” he ordered an ultrasound to see what we’re dealing with first and then he’ll do the referral and he examined my abdomen pressing down with his fingers and it was really tender and hurt even though I’m no longer on my “pad” which surprised me,so I wonder what’s going on…..he also re-newed my Prozac for another 6 months. There was an old Rastaman waiting in the office,too, he had long grey dreads and he was wearing a wool hat with the Rasta colours and there I was, wearing my weed shirt and carrying my Rasta purse and we nodded at eachother and smiled, 2 kindred Rasta spirits acknowledging one another, to which my hubby snorted, “2 druggies!”

As well, I’d heard that diabetes can be a cause of seizures so I checked my blood sugar/glucose level on my mother’s monitor( as she’s diabetic) and it was 7.3 which is within normal range( anything under 10 is normal) so it’s not that, and my mother snickered that I “disown” the kids if they do something that I don’t like,too, and it’s not true; I wouldn’t “disown” them for anything(except for maybe murder) and in actual fact it’s them that have seemed to have disowned me,and my family acts like they seem to think I need rehab or something,too, because I use weed twice a week for my migraines ,and they don’t seem to realize how mainstream and normal using weed really is and how many regular ordinary everyday people do it, how common it is, but they think I’m some sort of junkie or something, like I’m always strung-out but I don’t need rehab; what I need instead is just motivation, hope, goals, a reason to live,and something to look ahead to. It feels like I’m stuck and I just can’t get unstuck.

The Home Inspector.

HomeInspector The home inspector came to check out our house for approval for the new insurance company. He was here about 35 minutes and luckily it was cold so the icicles weren’t melting and dripping and leaking water thru the ceiling for him to notice when he was here. My mother was paranoid about all the clutter and mess, not wanting him to see what slobs we are so we had to do a big cleaning before he came( even though he’s here to check for structural integrity of the house and safety hazards) and the 11 YR old asked me, “Are we secretly moving and you never told us and that’s why we had to clean, because people are coming to look at the house?” He took some photos but never gave us a report yet so we don’t know if we passed or not, and I don’t know what concerns me more; if we didn’t pass and they refuse to give us insurance coverage or if he insists on repairs that we can’t afford but with the virus going thru our house( all the kids have it now, just me, my mother,and my hubby left standing,and I’ve had a headache for 2 days and now a sore throat so I think I’m next…) that can be our “revenge” on him( getting him sick) if he gives us a bad report! Buddy was barking like crazy as well and I had to restrain him but he kept wriggling trying to break free from my arms and go at the guy, dutifully guarding and protecting his home and his family and he’s pure muscle and really strong for such a little dog!

I also can’t believe the cruel prank the 11 YR old did on me; sent a pretend e-mail making it look like my cousin sent it telling me that my fave. cousin had died (I wish they weren’t so tech-savvy and good at hacking) I was really upset and it wasn’t funny; there’s just some things that you DON’T “joke” about. She said she “wanted to see what I’d do” (I took away her iPod for 6 months, that’s what I did) and she did it because she was mad at me for asking her to e-mail me some photos. Another cousin in Europe said it was “really mean” of her to do that to me,and my friend J ( from grade 8) said it was the “meanest thing” she’s “ever heard of.” My kids suck.

When I was taking Buddy for a walk we walked past 2 teen girls and I heard one say, “Oh, what a cute little dog!” the 20 YR old taunts I’m “crazy” because I take “Crazy pills” (Prozac) and for the past few nights I keep having dreams about my old “frenemy” J, all of sudden, out of nowhere, even after all these YRS, so I wonder if it means she died or something? I forgave her long ago though for her back-stabbing, lying, using me,being two-faced, stealing my friends away, and betrayal, and I pray for her now and wish her well. A weird news story,too: they found a 6 ft. high 33 ft. long “bunker”, tunnel, shaft etc. dug underground in Toronto near a Pan-Am Games venue and it was well-built and even had lights, a generator, and sump-pump, mystifying authorities; what was it to be used for? Drug smuggling? To hold hostages? To store and then detonate explosives? A terrorist attack? A bunker to live after an attack? Or maybe someone’s just going to live there in an underground home due the ridiculous real estate prices in the city? It’s a puzzling mystery for sure, and they over-react about the so-called measles “outbreak” as well; a total of 11 people in Toronto have it…..out of a population of over 2 MILLION; hardly what I’d call an epidemic.Just more scare tactics and fear mongering yet again.