First of all at the clinic it went well: the 14 YR old’s back to putting weight on again ( and over her temporary setback it would seem) instead of losing it, and the NP said that the medication is helping and she even increased the dose from 10 mg up to 20 mg, admitting that I was right all along! I knew she needed the anti-depressant! She can tell she’s starting to feel better as well, and she’s more bubbly now,too, and more “playful”.
Now the bad part, the same as the past 3 weeks….. the new social worker said once again during the family therapy session how I’m not able to bond with my kids, have “attachment issues”am “avoidant”, the kids don’t “feel secure”, insinuating I’m a bad mother, neglectful, and blaming me for the 14 YR old’s eating disorder, etc, that I didn’t bond or “attach” well with her as a baby,etc…. which is a load of shit, esp. since I was the closest to her of all the kids when she was younger, and I swear, as God is my witness, I’ve been an excellent mother to her, and loved her more than anything and was the closest to her….yet it still wasn’t enough…..she still ended up messed-up and they still blame me and say it’s my fault anyway? I just can’t “win” either way, no matter what I do. (I think it’s likely genetic and she simply inherited mental illness.)
Then the therapist has the nerve to ask me why I’m “defensive” (which I didn’t even realize that I was; it was just an instinctual survival mechanism and automatic response to attack) to her and everything that she was saying, even though she made me always feel under attack, and made me cry,too, and she scolded me and talked down to me like I was a misbehaving dog, and I felt she was being dismissive and always taking my hubby’s side, and he kept praising himself as this great involved father and said that the kids see my mother at the mother figure and not me; it’s like not only have I been pushed out, I’ve also been replaced, and he complained that I “didn’t used to be like this” ( not going out and do things, being less social, so withdrawn and broken,etc..) but that was also before I was beaten down and broken by all of the traumas in my life,too; it was before any of that had happened, so of course I wasn’t like this before! The therapist also criticized me saying it’s not good for the 14 YR old to see her mother and therapist arguing…..oh, but it’s ok for her to see her therapist tear down her mother every week? She warned it’s only going to get worse as well….. I can’t keep doing this. This is taking a heavy toll on me. A price I can’t afford to pay….
I prayed to God for strength and direction, as being blamed and made to feel like shit for the past 3 weeks in a row has beaten me down even more, and the suicidal feelings are back again. Then I saw this inspirational saying show up on my Facebook feed. It ironically came from a poster called, “God”. Whaddya know. It came at just the right time and right when I needed it most. I just hope it’s true. All this therapy crap has done is rub it in what a shitty person I am, how useless and hated I am for having Asperger’s and bipolar and how it ruins all my relationships and makes me a shitty mother, reminding me of what a failure I am at everything in life, how I can’t do anything right, and how I’m always hated and blamed for being me even though I can’t help it, and I struggle with it every single day, and all I ever get my entire life is criticism and blame and for once I just want someone to show me some compassion and kindness.
I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore though, attending the family therapy sessions, I mean. It’s harmful to me emotionally and mentally and is pushing me to the edge, and making me feel badly about myself. it’s too much stress. It wrecks my nerves. I am supportive of the 14 YR old and her recovery,and I’ve been going to her app’t’s weekly for the past 6 months, but I can’t keep doing this to myself; I’m an emotional wreck after, just shattered, feeling bullied and ganged-up on, and what if they’re right? What if I am the problem? I certainly don’t mean to be, want to be, or purposely try to be, and if I am the problem and if I am responsible for her brokenness that would be too heavy a burden to bear, too heavy a load to carry, and the guilt would just be too overwhelming to live with,and it would be best for everyone if I was just removed from the equation. No one wants me around anyway, and if I’m the problem everyone would all be better off with me gone.
I just want to disappear and fly away. I’m just so defeated, so broken. I’m no “use” to anyone anyone; just a problem, a burden.If everything really is my fault and I am the problem then why should I even bother? Why keep trying? At this point I don’t even want to be a part of this family anymore, they’ve pushed me so far away and beaten me down so much, I just want out.