The Tweet.

Roseanne I am sad and disappointed to hear the Roseanne show, despite how popular it is, has now been cancelled, all due to a stupid racist tweet Roseanne Barr posted on Twitter the other day, comparing a Black woman to an ape. Well I agree it was stupid, racist, inappropriate,and uncalled for, I also keep in mind that she is widely known for her big mouth, brashness, unpopular opinions and controversial humour,but, that being said, she still does have the right to her own personal beliefs and opinions and along with that, the right to freely express them on her  own personal social media accounts and it’s not right that she loses her entire career , which she has built for decades, just over one stupid Tweet. it’s just not right. I think it’s over-reacting that a person is smeared and loses their entire reputation, career and livelihood just because of something they’ve said, because of an unpopular opinion, or something stupid they posted, or because it’s not politically correct. Political Correctness has gone too far. What next, the Thought Police?

I personally don’t like, or agree with, her personally, or her politics(she’s a Trump supporter, a gun rights advocate, pro-abortion and a feminist) but regardless I still do like her TV show( and think it’s funny) because I am still able to separate the two. Like with any celebrity; singer, actor, musician, writer, etc; they can be the shittiest human being in the world; drunken, racist,arrogant junkies that cheat on their spouses and beat their wives and kids or what have you but that still doesn’t make them any less talented; they can still be excellent actors, musicians, writers, etc. and you can still enjoy their creative work without liking them as a person, and their personal private life and their personal opinions and beliefs are their own and their own business and shouldn’t have anything to do with their professional life.I have loved so-and-so’s work and then been disillusioned to find out how terrible they really are as people but it doesn’t mean that I all of a sudden stop liking their work. This is just as bad as the McCarthy Era where celebs were blacklisted for being Communists or being gay.Your personal and private life is your own and has nothing to do with your professional life and should be separate.it’s no one’s business.

Now due to one stupid Tweet, many other actors and writers on her show are all out of work; it affects several people,and I think Roseanne should have just made an apology and deleted her account and moved on. People do stupid things and shouldn’t be punished for a mistake for the rest of their lives. People need to be more forgiving and move on. What good does it do to destroy a person for a mistake?Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid things. We’re human.

 

30May2018 As well, look how oppressively HOT it is! It actually got up to 31C. It’s so hot it’s even still hot in the shade and even I had to come indoors to cool off,as much as I love being outside; I was starting to get heatstroke.I’m so glad we got the pool open and now with these hot days it won’t take too long for the water to warm up!

SunflowerSprouts Look! Some tiny little sunflower sprouts are also starting to grow! yay! Finally! Success! My little babies!!!!!

Numbers.

Screen Shot 10-03-17 at 03.03 PM The 14 YR old gained 300 g this week and I was elated, so relieved, so glad,ever so grateful, so overjoyed….and then the NP at the eating disorders clinic tersely responded, The goal is 500 g at least even 1000 g a week! and then once again reminded how we keep failing and need to improve and I just felt so….deflated. Deflated, weary, disappointed, hopeless, and tired. I do everything they tell me, I toil, and it’s emotionally very difficult and emotionally exhausting work, and there’s not the improvement in the time they expect and we keep falling short despite trying hard and sometimes I wonder if it’s all for nothing if it’s really not working, helping, or progressing the way it should be. I mean she has gained significant weight over the past 6 months we’ve been in the program and isn’t too far off from her ideal weight; it’s just that she started going back and then stagnated for awhile instead of gaining…

It’s all about numbers. Everything. No wonder I hate math. I always have. It continues to ruin my life. She’s only off by 300 g. What’s 300 g in the context of everything? She’d lost weight last week and this week she’s gained 300 g…ok, so it’s not quite the 500 g they want but it’s still a gain! Everything’s always defined by numbers and restricted,too. If your baby’s born before 36 weeks off to the NICU. Just 1 more week later and you’re good to go. I heard the other day now if a baby weighs less than 6 pounds 5 oz ( when I had my kids it was under 5 pounds 5 oz) it also has to go to the NICU. See the difference a week makes? Viability of a pre-term baby is generally considered to be 24 weeks. Just a mere week earlier the outcome is much more dire. Everything is  all about the numbers, and  sometimes even close still isn’t close enough and the difference in-between is vital.

It made me feel like how it was with my aunt. This particular aunt was always mean to me and I’m sure that she hated me. She’d even go out of her way to make me cry or get me upset(we lived with her a few years when I was little) an example would be she knew the pink cup was my fave. so she’d purposely NOT let me have it, things like that, just to be cruel, and she was always yelling at me for every little thing, and nothing I ever did was right or good enough and I spent years trying to please her, to measure up, to be good enough, to get her to like me, to be nice to me, to accept me, to love me, yet no matter how hard I tried I was still never good enough, never up to her standards, never worthy of her love and kindness; I always fail and disappoint, just like with the clinic; no matter how hard I try it’s never good enough for them and I can’t achieve their standards.That’s me: never good enough. Inferior. Less-than.

I also saw pictures of wounds like the burn on my arm and it looks the same as flesh eating disease which they said people with compromised immune systems are at risk for, such as with diabetes( I recently just got tested and I’m ok) and cancer…. and who have recently been in fresh saltwater….like I was in recently in Cuba….uh, oh…my hubby says no way though as it’s been longer than 24 hours but it sure does look exactly like the pictures in the earlier stage and it would also explain the extreme pain, too, but I’m not going to do anything about it though until after my colonoscopy as I don’t want it to get postponed or anything. I could, potentially, find out this week if I have cancer….whoa…that’s BIG.

It gets me angry as well how they call the shooting in Las Vegas a “mass shooting” or  a “massacre” instead of a “terrorist” attack and I know why: because the attacker was a white home-grown American, but if he had been Muslim, brown, or a foreigner then it would have labelled a terrorist attack, because in this racist society it’s labelled not by the act itself ( as it should be) but rather based on who did it, on their race, nationality, skin colour, or religion. I’d say though with the large amount of people both killed and injured on such a grand scale it qualifies as a terrorist attack.It just happens it was a white American terrorist. Not a Muslim, not a guy with a turban, not a brown guy, not a foreigner, not an illegal, not your Indian neighbours, not someone tighter borders would have kept out.

My hubby also made some comment referring to when I die I’ll be in Hades and I replied, What can you say? You don’t even care about God! and then he gave me this incredulous look at the clinic the other day too when I saw a sign that said tele-psychiatry  and I thought it meant they can read your mind and he thought I was a dolt. Well….what about telepathy, the ability to read minds or to move objects with the mind? Who’s the dolt, now?

 

The Black Walnut Tree.

Screen Shot 08-16-17 at 08.08 PM This is the story of the black walnut tree. It’s just a little baby black walnut tree and it’s in our backyard. It’s only about 2-3 years old but I noticed that this summer it’s really getting so much bigger all of a sudden.  Now it’s almost as tall as our three storey house! It wasn’t there originally though, and we never planted it, so what I’m pretty sure happened is that one fall a squirrel must have buried a nut in the ground and forgot about it or got killed and never came back for it or whatever, and the conditions were right in the soil and it took and started to grow…and over time it just got bigger….and bigger….and bigger….

I think it’s kind of neat to watch this tree grow and progress right from the beginning, from a little tiny sapling,and in time it will bear fruit ( usually at age 4-6 years old) and will bloom and blossom into this massive gigantic tree but I don’t think I’ll ever get to see it though as I’ve always thought I’d die by 50 (and I’m just 50 this year so it’ll likely be sometime within the next few months) and even if not they’re talking about moving in the next year or two anyway, so I probably won’t get the chance to be able to see it grow into maturity. A similar experience I had before was with the peach tree we had at our first Ottawa house; the owner’s daughter had planted it and the year we moved out was the first time it bore fruit. Of course. (and our apple tree at our last Ottawa house was  knocked over and died in an ice storm the first year it bore fruit,too!)

I also saw a blog I read they put their house up for sale for a million 695, 000, and that’s American so it would probably be something like 3 million $$$ in our money with the exchange, and I heard on the news too the price for an average detached 3 bedroom house in Toronto now is over a million $$$(and they may not necessarily even have a garage or even a driveway) and you have to earn on average 200 000$ a year to be able to afford it, with an average cost of close to 5000$ a month between mortgage payments and utilities! Holy shit! Buddy and I were out the front as well and saw an argument at the Drug Den at the corner; 3 thuggish-looking young guys came running out with this really fat shirtless guy running out after them, his belly jiggling, reminding me of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers  movies, yelling, Get outta here! and they’d keep stopping and looking back behind them,and I was worried someone would start beating up on someone or even pull out a gun or something…..maybe they ripped the drug dealer off and stole it or something, who knows….I wouldn’t be surprised if in the middle of the night there’s a drive-by shooting at his house, or a Molotov thrown thru his window, an explosion, or his house torched or something…my mother also actually saw an actual transaction the other day,too; she saw someone handing something over, exchanging something for $$$$$.

The 18 YR old’s also back from Cadets camp now and she has Strep throat,too, and she works for a couple of weeks and then she’s off to Ottawa for school, and now asshole Trump is upset that Confederate flags and statues are being taken down, saying You can’t change history,and you can’t, but you also don’t have to memorialize and commemmorate a period in history associated with hate, bigotry, discrimination, slavery, oppression, and racism, either, it would be the same as flying the Nazi flag with the swastika on it, or having a statue of Hitler; not something in history that you want to honour and glorify! I also stand up for Muslims and North Korea because no one else will and I was that kid in school that was always bullied and no one stood up for me so now I’m going to be that person.

I also wonder too if the upcoming solar eclipse might be a portent of some sort, a harbinger, of a prophecy, perhaps, such as Jesus’ return, or maybe of the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, The Tribulation, WWIII….who knows? It’s odd as well how the area it hits most seems to cut the USA right in half, along a division, and I don’t know if that’s symbolic or not, and it was 100 years ago since we had the last one like this, and it was almost 100 years ago since WWI ended…it just makes me wonder…it seems kind of eerie…. there’s also this upcoming boxing match I keep hearing about and I have no idea who it is as I don’t follow that stuff but apparantly it’s some long-time champion VS an under-dog so I automatically am rooting for the under-dog because that’s me; I’ve always been the under-dog, and because no one ever roots for the under-dog so whoever he is, I hope that he wins.

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

Skype.

Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them…..so here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

Biopsy.

screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-28-pm I had my biopsy done at the doctor’s office. I was an hour late getting in, plus my hubby dropped me off half an HR before my app’t because that’s when he had the time to drive me so I was sitting there for 90 minutes! The biopsy itself only took 10 minutes and I got dressed in a hospital gown, laid on my stomach and was draped with a sterile sheet with only the spot on my shoulder exposed and he injected a local freezing which only hurt a bit, but less than a tattoo, so I didn’t even wince, and then I just felt pressure but no pain, nothing, and he cut a chunk out of my flesh and put one solitary stitch in and put a band-aid on, and that was it. Now I wait 2-3 weeks for the results. Now the freezing’s worn off it just stings a little bit.

My ultrasound results came back normal as well, which is surprising, so nothing to explain my heavy periods or crippling cramps and he just said…..get this… that I’m a woman and it’s just something I have to live with. I couldn’t believe it!  Did you really just f*cking say that to me?  Only a man would say something like that! He also said it would take a YEAR for a referral to a gynecologist and when I asked, “Why, because it’s just a woman’s issue and it’s not taken seriously?” he goes, “No, because you live in Ontario.” F*ck. I was hoping for a hysterectomy like my aunt and cousin had for their heavy, painful periods. I’m too old for this shit. I don’t need it anymore. My hubby also said with all my medical issues I “have the health of a 60-70 YR old” and I “take more medications than my mother” who’s 75.  At least I did get a prescription for a muscle relaxant though, the only thing he would prescribe me for the cramps.

Dammit.

screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-44-pm-001 Here is also a photo of my friend in Brazil’s baby, who is now 9 months old. Just because she’s so adorably cute! She has got to be the cutest baby that I’ve ever seen and whenever I see photos of her it just makes me smile, and I had the new Blackforest Cake milkshake at Harvey’s and it was oh-so -good,probably even worth the cramps and diarrhrea I know I’m going to suffer later from the cream, and the shooter in the Quebec mosque shooting where 6 people were killed and 19 injured( 2 critically) surprisingly isn’t being charged with terrorism,either, likely because he’s not a Muslim; the victims  are Muslims but the shooter is a home-grown, white, non-Muslim, French Canadian, so they’re just calling it a shooting instead of a terrorist attack and he’s just being charged with murder and not also terrorism charges. It was also clearly a hate crime but he hasn’t been charged with that,either, and he said he was “inspired” by Donald Trump’s policies. It will also be interesting to see how the media will try and “spin” this attack and try and blame it on the Muslims…

There are no words. I’m just so sick of all the hate. An American friend of mine on Facebook told me I’m “ignorant” too for “not seeing that Muslims are enemies that want to destroy us and that we should ban them and protect our borders” and I told him that refusing to hate isn’t being ignorant but rather it’s the other way around,and I refuse to hate. If you get so paranoid that you build walls, become divisive, fearful, and develop and Us VS Them mentality then the terrorists win. Trump banning people from mostly Muslim countries also reminds me of how it started with treatment of Jews in Nazi Germany. No one should be singled out, targeted, or “blacklisted” because of their faith.

Love.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-54-am   I think every mother dreams of having a

little girl that they can dress up, love, and  be extra close to, a daughter where they will share a special bond, a close relationship, the kind of love so intense when you look at them you feel like your heart might burst. I was lucky enough to have that with the now 13 YR old when she was younger, before she grew up and got older and “out-grew” me and decided that she didn’t love me or need me anymore.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-55-am I just love these photos of us when she was little. She was so loving, so cuddly, so clingy,and she followed me around like a dog. She was literally my shadow. She was just soooo affectionate,too, and always ready with a hug or a kiss, telling me how much she loved me and I felt like the Most Important Person In The World to her.Looking at them brings back happy memories.(can you see the love in her eyes?)

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-56-am We had special Cuddle Time every morning as she was waking up and every night as she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. We had our own little fun jokes,skits,parodies, games, nick-names, inside-jokes, rituals, songs, inventions, secret codes, etc. and she knew that when she was afraid she could come to me and that if she was sad, or hurt, or worried, and I was always there to comfort her. She knew she didn’t have to be afraid to talk to me about anything.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-57-am-001 Then suddenly one day she grew up and became a teenager and she began to withdraw from me and she no longer played our silly little games or confided anything in me anymore or told me she loved me, and, in fact, now she even hides things from me and lies right to my face, and you can forget about cuddling; no more hugging and kissing allowed; I’m not even allowed to touch her now, and she doesn’t really talk much,either, other than the occasional grunt passing by, or a toss of the hair or maybe a stomp or eye-roll.It feels like I’ve lost her.

really miss the way things used to be. I miss the closeness we used to have. It was never my  idea to lose it in the first place.still love her just as fiercely and just as strong as I always did.

I  mourn  it. I grieve it. I still keep hoping we can get it back again someday.It’s a deep, deep loss.I hope she’ll “out-grow” the not loving me and not needing me part someday.

As well, I also heard this cool name on the news : Boketsu Boekwa  and I just thought it was the coolest name ever, the way it just flows off your tongue, and so exotic and mysterious-sounding. I wish I had a cool name like that! My real name is very clearly ethnically European  and I do like  it, but it’s not exotic like Boketsu Boekwa! Maybe secretly in my head it can be my alter-ego or something…..ha,ha….the mysterious globe-trotter,and I was sickened to hear US Prez Trump has BANNED People from several mainly Muslim countries from coming to the USA, to immigrate and to travel, and this is clearly discrimination and reminds me of how Nazi Germany treated the Jews….maybe this can even be taken to the Human Rights Tribunal at the Hague, or something?