Over The Mountain.

Eagle

This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?

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As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.

Happy Birthday Bob!

BMBday(new) Happy belated birthday to Bob Marley. It was actually yesterday, but I didn’t realize until now that yesterday was the 6th already. I know it’s on the 6th but I didn’t know it was the 6th already and that it had come and gone. Now I feel so badly. I know, I’m just so bad at remembering dates and days. Most of the time I don’t even know which day of the week it is.

Jesus.

Screen Shot 03-19-17 at 03.54 PM My mother said she had a dream that Jesus came back! She said we were all in this underground bunker thing, as if it were the Apocalypse or something and there was this hole in the ceiling and she saw a nun get sucked up into it….and then Jesus came back, coming down thru that exact same hole! Interesting, and I wonder if it actually means anything or symbolizes anything, such as His return is imminent, or perhaps that He’s coming for someone; that someone in our family is going to die soon,perhaps her, or maybe even me, like I’ve always felt it’s soon, esp.. with the way I’ve been so fatigued, run-down wiped-out, feeling faint, and like all energy and life is just being drained out of me for the past few months….I picture dying and going to Heaven like feeling the warm sun on your face,too, esp. after coming out of a long, cold winter and then starting to see hopeful signs of spring ahead and then you know things are looking up and are going to get better and soon life will be brighter….

As well, the 13 YR old heard my reggae music and she scowled, What’s with that weird Jamaican crap? and I replied, “What do you have against Jamaica?”  and then she goes, why do you sound so offended? and I’m bored with my hair lately too and think it looks like crap and I want a change, and I miss my buzz-cut and am thinking of shaving it again.It’s also the ultimate in easy-care, I-don’t-give-a-shit hair and saves $$$ on hair dye and styling products…and no more hat-hair or bed-head!I know I’ll never be pretty but I can always be unique.know my family will give me grief over it, insult it, say how “ugly” and “gross” it looks, etc. just like they always do, but they always criticize, hate, and mock everything I do or like anyway, and I’m still always ugly no matter what I do, too, so I might as well just do what I like and what makes me happy, and besides, I’m not doing it for them,anyway, nor do I need their “permission.”.Ignore the haters.  I just have to be sure it’s what I want because it takes 2-3 months to grow it back!

33 YR Old Sea Breeze.

screen-shot-02-05-17-at-07-56-am-001 I came across a box of my old cosmetics and beauty products the other day, back from the 1980’s, when I was a teen, incl. the Sea Breeze face cleanser I had in 1984 when I was 17. That would make it 33 YRS old! Even older than my kids, even longer than I’ve known my hubby! It was still half-full,too, and when I opened it up and smelled it,that menthol, eucalyptus scent, it brought back so many happy happy memories that just came flooding back. I felt like I was 17 again, transported back into time, back to a happier place and a happier time. I put some on my face and scrubbed it in and washed it off like I did then and it almost seemed as though nothing had changed, even though one of my own kids is now that exact same age and when I look in the mirror….well, it’s not a 17 YR old that’s looking back at me anymore.What happened? Where did the time go?

Holy shit……I got old.

There were also others of my long-lost faves. from my teen YRS there,too, probably now no longer in existance, no longer made anymore, and that I haven’t seen in forever: Cachet body lotion, Charlie cologne, Love’s Baby Soft body spray( which smells like baby powder), Egyptian Earth loose bronzing powder, Jean Nate after bath body splash,and Kissing Potion lipgloss(oh, how I just loved that one, it tasted so good I would always lick it off!)……so many goodies that were such a big part of the 80’s and of my “beauty” regimen, and when re-discovered all these YRS later brought back such wonderful nostalgic memories. There were even some old eyeshadows and lipsticks in there too with the brushes all natty and disintigrating, and mascara all dried up, but when I opened it up and saw them all again it felt like Christmas.A blast from the past. Bring back the 80’s.

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To celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday yesterday I also smoked a Big Fatty in honour of it and as a toast to him,as I’m sure millions of people all over the world were sparking up celebrating his birthday,  and as a result I suddenly became fascinated with the song Grease, rode along on sound waves of music notes, pretty much ate a whole chocolate cake, left my body,felt like I got permission to fly across the vast universe with what felt like huge purple butterfly-like wings, and thought it was raining indoors, in the bath, until I realized the shower had somehow accidently been turned on, and as for using weed my mother self-righteously huffed, “I don’t believe in it!” but God made the cannabis plant and in the Bible we are told that all plants are made for food, that is, to be consumed, and it didn’t say all plants except for the cannabis plant, and God made it for a reason, most likely medicinal, and besides, most drugs, remedies, and pharmaceuticals are made from plants,anyway!

We’re also supposed to get more of that awful freezing rain today(ugh!) and my friend’s son’s shoulder surgery went well yesterday as well, she was just upset that since he’s 18 they wouldn’t let her go back to the OR to see him off before they put him under, but everything went well and now he’s recovering.

A Birthday For Bob.

bmbdaynew Today is Bob Marley’s birthday!  He was born in 1945 which would have made him 4 YRS younger than my mother except that he died in his 30’s but his music and his legacy will always live on. I only wish I could have seen him in concert before he died like my friend W was lucky enough to (he even saw Peter Tosh,toothe lucky bastard!) but I was so young and I never got the chance. I guess like most great artists they aren’t truly appreciated until after they’re dead but I’ll light one up for him today. Happy Birthday Bob Mon! Let your light shine. You are eternal.

Yesterday was also the 19 YR old’s birthday and his birth( and pregnancy) was the most perilous ,worrisome,and stressful of them all, and he was born 6 weeks early, during that bad ice storm and he almost died so many times before, during, and after birth! The 13 and 15 YR olds are finally done at the dentist( for now,anyway) as well, having gone pretty well every week since before Christmas, for cavities and various other things, and the 15 YR old even had a couple of baby teeth that didn’t come out and her gums had grown all around and over them so they were removed and stitched up but there were no big teeth underneath! I also have that weird headache again that won’t go away so it will be interesting to see if another seizure is coming soon….is it a warning?

Of all the kids only one of them goes to church willingly on her own as well, the 20 YR old, without being told to,and the oldest might, although I’m not sure or not if he still does, but the others that have moved out no longer do and only 3 of them still at home do although I have to force them; if you live here, you go to church, and it breaks my heart that for the most part they’ve turned away from God and towards the world, and my fave. priest was there yesterday too so I did a Confession as you never know when you might die so this way I’m all set ,and as I confessed my penchant for sex toys since my mood stabilizers have caused me to gain weight and my hubby finds me repulsive and doesn’t bother with me anymore  I could tell that he felt badly for me and he said that it’s his loss and I “have a kind heart” and it’s “what’s inside that matters” which I thought was nice.

The 13 YR old also must somehow know that I sneak into her room at night when she’s asleep and give her a kiss ( the only  way I can even touch her or get near her) as I now noticed a new sign she put up on her bedroom door, directed at me, saying to not open the door and not go in and “bother” her as she’s either sleeping or busy…it breaks my heart; I try so hard but I just keep getting pushed away. I also missed my TV show again last night, 2 weeks in a row, last week because of some stupid beauty contest and this week because of redneck football, and I don’t even know who’s playing in the Super Bowl, which teams or which cities they’re from and I don’t care, I’m just tired of always missing my shows because of some stupid crap.Why does crap always pre-empt the good shows?

The Parka.

screen-shot-01-30-17-at-08-33-am I noticed that my Canada Goose parka (like the one pictured here) was missing, that it wasn’t hanging on the coat rack like it always is and I just froze in fear and panicked, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Someone stole it! I’ve been robbed! I thought someone had come into the house and grabbed my parka and taken it, esp. as I’d heard on the news recently that someone had stolen expensive fur coats and Canada Goose parkas from a synagogue and a coat check at a club! I just felt so violated……..so…..sick, and it was so expensive,too, over 800$ and that was back when I had $$$$; I’d never be able to buy another one again and replace it, and I wouldn’t have a winter coat,either!(and it’s the warmest coat ever!) I was just so distraught, but then the thought occurred maybe the 22 YR old took it esp. since he’s notorious for always taking my stuff without asking(my Crocs, my flip-flops, etc.) so I phoned to check but never got a reply back,so there I was , sick with worry and dread, not knowing if he’d borrowed it or not, or if it really was stolen(and I’d have to call the police) for 2 HRS until he finally came home…….thankfully he was wearing it; he just casually shrugged, “It’s cold  out!” and tossed me the coat. What a relief! I was so worried it really was gone for good, and,of course, then my hubby started making fun of me for even thinking it was stolen, because he always pokes fun at all my anxieties, fears, worries, insecurities, phobias, etc. because he’s an asshole like that; instead of trying to comfort me, support me, reassure me, or calm me, he plays into my fears and anxieties, fueling them,creating them, magnifying them, ridiculing them,feeding them,and provoking them.

Speaking of theft, I remember many YRS ago when my hubby’s car was broken into and the thief stole a bunch of his music cassette tapes, all of them except for the redneck country music ones, so even the thief has some standards and good taste in music, and my hubby and the 15 YR old were also trying to goad me by saying that the 22 YR old( and not me) is Buddy’s favourite, even though I actually am(and it’s obvious); he’s my dog and he loves me the most( he’s probably his second favourite and only goes with him because he has food!) and he’s the only one that loves me yet they won’t even let me have that and even try to take that away from me, stripping me of all love, dignity, happiness,joy, and respect. Why do they enjoy hurting me so much? Why are they so mean?

As well. my mother was helping the 9 YR old with his math( the 17 YR old used to but he kept being mean to her, incl. calling her a retard and saying “I’m going to kill you!” so she stopped,and I can’t do it as I can’t do math) and he was mean to her,too, despite her bragging how he wouldn’t be mean to her ( but he’s just a bratty kid; he’s like that to everyone because I’m the only one who ever disciplines him but when I do my hubby and mother always over-rule me) so she went up to her room and cried, and when I said “I hope she doesn’t kill herself or something!” my hubby smirked to me, “That’s your job!” (to commit suicide) and we were arguing too about my support of refugees; he said we should “look after our own first” and I said we should look after whoever has the greatest need, no matter where they come from, and fleeing war with nothing but the clothes on your back would qualify as the greater need.

I also noticed that the right side of my face is crooked and droopy! My mouth, lip,and the groove between my nose and lip on the right side is crooked and my right eye also droops and is often watery,and the thought occurred to me: I wonder if that time when I had that seizure awhile ago and I thought I was being electrocuted by the electric blanket if maybe I was actually having a stroke? Could it have perhaps maybe been a small stroke? Why else  is  just the one side of my face lop-sided? Great….just great….now I’m more ugly! I saw the movie Lala Land as well and the scene where the guy and girl were dancing up in the sky reminded me of dreams I’ve had where I’m doing the exact same thing; dancing with a handsome stranger up in the sky, and I’ve also experienced on a “trip” high on weed,too, and I was mentioning how the production  Stomp looks good and my hubby made some snide comment about it and I told him, “You just don’t understand art!”( because he’s uncultured) and he goes, “I just like to make fun of it!” He always like to make fun of, belittle,and put down everything and anything that I like though, incl. Reggae; he calls it my “druggie” and “stoner” music, when in reality most Reggae is very spiritual,praising Jah( God), but he’s just ignorant.

Turn your pain into art.

So Much.

screen-shot-11-08-16-at-08-25-am Me and my life are just like that Bob Marley song, “So Much Things To Say.” I just have so much that I have to say, that I wish I could not only post about in my blog(but have to censor or hold back because you never know who’s reading or for privacy reasons) but also that I am prevented from even talking about and expressing myself, my feelings, my worries, and my concerns. I don’t even have anyone to talk to anymore now that Patti’s moved away, and when I started unloading something to my mother she curtly cut me off and snapped, “Stop talking!!” as she didn’t want to hear about it, and so I have all these things built up inside me that I need to somehow unburden; dilemmas,decisions,plans,choices, questions, worries, uncertainties, anxieties, problems,feelings, etc. but no one that will listen, nowhere I can vent(I do on this blog but there still some things that are just too personal, too private, a possible security risk, or too “sensitive” and I’m not “allowed” to mention. “So Much Things To Say” yet no way to say them and no one to say them to.

screen-shot-11-08-16-at-06-41-pm With the American election yesterday my American friends were posting about it all over  the Internet and had alot of funny things such as the ones seen here, above and below, and it’s true, because no matter which won, America still loses!

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After my dose of cannabis oil I also “saw” hippo-shaped clouds in the sky and  the Four  Horsemen Of The Apocalypse,  and I’m hoping that if reincarnation is real that I come back as a hippo; a fierce, majestic hippo, and nobody, I mean, nobody, messes with a hippo! I would also like to think that in Heaven that every dog you’ve ever loved comes running towards you to greet you,too.