Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Failure.

Screenshot_284 This is my sole sunflower/ Still no signs of any flower yet. I think it must be broken.Failure to thrive.Just like me. Yet  another failure of mine. I seem to screw up everything I try. Nothing ever just goes right or works out for me or goes the way it’s supposed to. I also thought I might die this week and yet the first week of September has come and gone and I’m still here. Talk about disappointment. I always get my hopes up and then they end up dashed.I feel like God’s almost stringing me along and then nothing.  All of a sudden today my stomach just started to really hurt as well and then felt like I was going to barf. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m a failure.

As a daughter.

As a wife.

As a mother.

As me.

In life.

Screenshot_283 I don’t usually like to take photos or “Selfies” of myself due to my looks but this one actually didn’t turn out half-bad considering, so here goes. This is a rare photo of me. One of my cousins in Europe her son started university as well(he’s taking accounting) and I had a dream that Ottawa is going to have some sort of attack although I wasn’t sure if it was like some of aerial attack like in war, or whether it was a bombing or other sort of terrorist attack, but it was big. I hope not though. Funny,too: the pool guy was here to close up for the season and at first I didn’t even see him there but I did see Buddy trying to sneak downstairs to the basement( and there’s paint, sharp things, poison things, mouse traps,etc. down there) so I yelled at him, Hey, you can’t go down there! and the pool guy goes, Sorry…… and then I realized he thought I was talking to him and I had to tell him, Oh! Sorry! I didn’t see you. Not you; I was talking to the dog!

Buddy1 Here is a cute, sweet photo I took of Buddy. His sore toe still bothers him and he limps along and his walks are shorter now as he heals and last night in bed he hobbled over to me and snuggled into my arms in the cradling “baby” position he wants to be held in when he’s scared or in pain, which is reclining on his back cradled in my arm like a baby. It makes him feel safe, secure, and comforted.Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable position for me to try to sleep so I wasn’t able to fall asleep until something like 1 am. I also prayed to God asking Him of all of the religions which one has the most truth and is the most pleasing to Him and I felt the answer: The one that shows the most love. So I would take that to mean the one that’s most loving, caring, compassionate, welcoming, forgiving,merciful, inclusive, accepting, non-judgemental, and charitable.

Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

The Relic.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.54 PM This is the mummified arm of St. Francis Xavier, a Catholic Saint. It has been preserved and what the Church refers to as “incorrupt.” The faithful come and venerate it to show respect and honour, as one would a king. It’s currently “on tour” if you will, across the country and is currently in Toronto now where they showed on the news this huge big long line-up of people patiently waiting to get a glimpse of it and to venerate it.

I just think that’s gross.

That’s one thing about my religion that I could never understand or relate to; relics. It just grosses me out to venerate dead body parts of anyone, Saints or otherwise. It also seems an awful lot like idol worship, when the only one we’re to worship is God, although it’s ok to show others respect God is the only one that you worship, and besides, the idea of being fascinated with, gawking at, lining up for, touching, venerating, or having any sort of curiousity with any part of a dead person just seems macabre, disturbing,and sick,, and as the 16 YR old would say, Too much H.B. (human body) and besides, I thought the Church said that people have to be buried( or cremated) anyway, and not to have their bodies disposed of in any other way,and I’d think that having them on display like some rare museum piece must be disrespectful to the dead, and to God, whom worship is due alone.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.52 PM This is also the 16 YR old’s new pet hamster. It’s only 9 weeks old so hopefully will live longer than her last one which only lived for a month or so. She named this one Aries. She has to keep it away from Buddy though and keep her bedroom door closed at all times, otherwise the poor little hamster will end up his appetizer. Isn’t it just the cutest thing though? It’s so fluffy and soft,too!

Trump also is now under fire for more racist comments, this time for referring to African-origin countries as Shithole countries and at first I just thought he meant poor underdeveloped Third World countries, like Banana Republics, which was insulting and bad enough(and not professional, diplomatic, or Presidential) but then found out it was actually racist,too; that he was actually talking about countries where Black people come from…..he’s such an asshole,and the only shithole is his mouth!

Book Review: The Ebb Tide.

Screen Shot 08-29-17 at 07.45 AM I finally got to read Beverly Lewis’ newest Amish-themed novel The Ebb Tide ( her latest is coming out next week! I wonder how long until I get to read that one?) My hubby said  he’d ordered it, but that was way back in April so I just thought he said that but didn’t really but it finally showed up! It took me 2 days to read instead of the usual day because it came later in the day so it was broken up over a period of 2 days.

Sallie is a young Amish woman who has wanderlust and has always dreamed of travel to faraway places,with a special longing for Australia and going to the beach and the ocean. Travel isn’t allowed for the Amish, who are expected to be uniform and conform, not be individual and dream of life away from the farm and community, but she hasn’t yet been baptized into the church, something that concerns her mother and that somehow always keeps getting delayed. Both these goals conflict.

Sallie has saved up enough $$$$ from her job as a waitress to finally fulfill her dream of going to Australia, with the plan when she returns to get baptized, but then her little nephew needs life-saving heart surgery and there isn’t enough $$$$ from the community fund so she donates the $$$$ she’s saved up for her trip. God has a way of working miracles and working things out for the good, however, and Sallie is overjoyed to be given the opportunity to be a nanny to a family over the summer that has a summer home at the beach, along the ocean, where she can partly fulfill her dream for travel, where she falls in love with the ocean and finds inner peace and contentment.

During the summer, Sallie also meets a Mennonite marine biologist named Kevin who is continuing his studies and shares Sallie’s love of the ocean and travel. The two become close and Sallie realizes she cares for him more than a friend and breaks things off, figuring they come from 2 different worlds and can’t share a future. She returns home at the end of the summer and gets back to Amish life on the farm but her heart remains there and with Kevin. She tries to settle for an Amish guy ,planning to marry him, join the church and be content, but she can’t. Something beyond her world still continues to pull at her and eventually she and Kevin reconcile and marry and she joins his Mennonite church, allowing her more freedom and individuality, the ability to travel( and with his job they are always living along the ocean coastline) but at the same time still living a life faithful to God, and as a bonus his parents even sent them on a trip to Australia for their honeymoon!

Pay To Pray.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 08.14 PM I read an article a Jewish journalist wrote and he said that it’s expensive to be Jewish,  and that’s why He thinks many Jews are Jews in name only but not actually practicing their faith, such as going to synagogue. He said that to go to the synagogue and attend religious services you actually have to pay a membership fee, sort of like at a country club, costing into the thousands of dollars a year, and that to attend the holy days (such as Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah) you have to buy a ticket, at the cost of hundreds of dollars, pricing many people out. I was really surprised and never knew that. Unlike the Christian and Muslim places to worship where your monetary contribution is voluntary, and you’re not prevented from attending because you can’t afford the membership fee. I’ve never heard anything like it and I think it’s sad. I had no idea. Seems discriminatory to me.Only for those with $$$$. The Old Marxist in me is pissed-off.

I don’t think that you should have to pay to pray. In our church we’re obligated to donate 10% of our income but we’re not audited(although in the Mormon church they do; they actually audit you where once a year the bishop sits each congregation member down in his office and reviews his finances to make sure their tithing is all “up to date” and if you haven’t paid the full 10% you can’t go to the temple) or prevented from worshipping if you don’t donate or pay a certain amount. I think that’s awful. What about the devout but poor widow? or the pensioner? or the immigrant? or the single parent? or the large family? or the guy that got laid off? I’m sure that there are many devoutly religious who are being prevented from going to the temple due to financial restrictions and that only the wealthy can afford memberships at the Jewish synagogues just makes me sad and I feel badly for the others and I try to imagine how I’d feel if I’d have to pay something like 1500$ a yr to go to church and then hundreds of $$$$ extra to go to Christmas and Easter Masses? I think it should be on a voluntary basis and you give what you can afford,without being called-out on it, shamed, made to feel guilty or cheap, and to worship freely, as God loves us without price. Whatever you choose to tithe should be between you and God.

As well, I got stung by a wasp! I was just laying out in the sun, minding my own business, and the mean little f*cker just landed on my leg and stung me for no reason! Now it’s all swollen up to a big bump  the size of a hard-boiled egg so I took a Benadryl. I also saw a cute little brown rabbit hopping around the neighbour’s yard and I’ve seen them in our own backyard at times, too, just wild, we had a BBQ as well and it was Buddy’s lucky day too because my hubby accidently dropped 3 hotdogs so guess who got them, and the 18 YR old also visited from camp.

Ethnic Festival And The ER.

Screen Shot 07-09-17 at 03.11 PM I went to a local ethnic festival where they had 11 food vendors from various countries and I got Tibetan momos and noodles. They had less vendors selling wares than they usually do though but on the way home I stopped off shopping and found this ring( pictured here) I’d wanted for a long time and even better,too: I got it 61% off! Woo-hoo! I also got a pair of funky shorts(since I lost 42 pounds and have none that fit this summer) at American Eagle that are denim with different colours, rips and frayed.I always buy men’s shorts as with my wide girth they fit better plus they tend to be longer than the women’s which are always way too short and slutty  and show your ass-cheeks hanging out.I didn’t get a photo of the shorts though as my iPod was full and it wouldn’t let me take any more photos and I can’t figure out how to delete stuff because I’m dumb like that and have to get the 10 YR old to help me. As he was scrolling thru my photos he saw some of me and he remarked, You’re so ugly!” too to which I replied, I know… and I know it’s true but it still made my heart sad even so because kids are honest and they tell the truth and point out the obvious in a not-so-tactful way but tends to hurts people’s feelings.

My mother also went to the ER as her BP was really low, it was 87/58(normal is 120/80) and she was dizzy. She was scared she was going to die esp. as it kept steadily dropping thru the day but I figured she was probably just dehydrated or something, perhaps even due to her diuretic , but they did an x-ray, ECG,and bloodwork and it all came back ok, she just has a slight fever so they think she’s coming down with something and gave her a prescription for Tamiflu, which cost 50$ and she has no coverage for meds, either! If it were me, I think I’d rather have the Flu than pay 50$! I could tell she was really nervous, scared,and worried, too, and I offered her some of my weed and told her, You won’t have any anxiety or worry for a few hours…. but she declined. Even though we don’t get along I still don’t want her to die, but she’s turning 76 tomorrow and every now and then the thought does cross my mind because she is getting “up” there and it’s a real possibility any time now even though I don’t want to think about it……

Screen Shot 07-09-17 at 02.54 PM

This is also the cool glass hippo the 22 YR old brought me back from California. He said he found it at an antique shop. Isn’t it neat? I heard a gunshot outside my bedroom window last night as well and it freaked out poor Buddy who was shaking and scared and ran and hid under the bed and I was trying to comfort him, It’s just a gunshot,don’t worry, you’re ok… and then realized what I’d said, just a gunshot…. as if it were no big thing….sadly this is the world we now live in… and I made up a new word,too: forkage: we can never find clean forks so when there are clean ones in the utensil drawer I exclaim, We have forkage!  The 16 YR old also painted Buddy’s nails a bright pink so now the poor dog won’t be able to show his face in public.

In church yesterday I got sudden cramps and diarrhrea as well and barely made it to the bathroom on time, and it bothered me how the priest was saying that any religion other than ours is “false” religion, incl. Islam and even Prostestantism, even though they’re even fellow Christians, and he said that even if family members and other loved ones have “certain lifestyles” incl. being gay or joining another religion that even though we continue to love them that doesn’t mean that we agree with them, support them, condone them, or approve, and I would never disown my kids for being gay or be upset if they went to another church(I’m upset if they don’t go to any church at all), and I  don’t believe that there’s only one true religion to the exclusion of all others, and I think that God accepts anyone of good faith and that there are many paths to God(and when you get right down to it, the Bible says that the Jews are actually God’s chosen people) .The Islamic Society also had an info booth at the ethnic festival to teach and inform people the truth about their religion( other religions did as well) which I think is a good idea as people fear what they don’t understand and there are alot of misconceptions out there, such as people wrongly thinking they’re all terrorists when in actual fact it’s just a few extremists(and the media)that unfortunately make them all look bad, just like the pedophile priests; they’re just a small minority, something like just 1-2% but they give them all a bad name, and that’s not fair.