Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.

 

More Musings.

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As well, I was woken at 4 am by my bed shaking and as I woke up startled and disoriented my first thought and concern was Buddy and I frantically reached out for him, still half-asleep and semi-conscious, Oh, my God! Buddy, is that you? Are you having a seizure?….. and then I soon realized(once I was more conscious, awake,and aware) that it was me, I was the one that was shaking and vibrating the bed  and then the realization hit me, Oh…..it’s me! I’m the one that must be having a seizure! but oddly instead of worry and concern for myself I was just glad that he was ok.. I was the one who was shaking the bed, whose body was violently shaking, enough to wake me up, I presume coming out of a seizure, as if I was just cold and shaking,shivering, and trembling it wouldn’t have been hard enough to wake me up like that and when I checked for Buddy he wasn’t even in the bed anymore but nestled on the floor burrowed into a sleepingbag so maybe I was thrashing around and it woke him up too, or maybe I even kicked him or something, and he got pissed-off and left? I have been extra tired lately too though, having to nap pretty much daily, and have had a headache for the past few days as well.Ugh!

Finding My Circle.

Screen Shot 12-26-17 at 07.32 AM I saw this today and it was exactly what I needed to hear and the encouragement that I needed. Christmas was just yet another stinging reminder of how I don’t belong in my family, how I don’t fit in, I’m not welcomed, and it feels like they all belong to this clique I’m not part of and not invited to; like they’re all part of this circle sitting together in the middle, all huddled together as a group, united, with me on the outside, isolated, alone,and not able to come in, no matter how hard I try. It feels like it’s not my circle.I can’t get in and they won’t let me in. Like I’m trying to fit into the wrong circle, where I’m not welcome, where I don’t belong, where I just don’t fit, sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it just doesn’t fit. It’s not my circle. I have to find a new circle. I have to find my circle.

But where is it and how do I go about finding it? Where do I even begin?

There has to be someplace somewhere out there, where someone exists, perhaps even a few someones, that are like me, that will like me and will welcome me into their circle. I need to find my people, my tribe, my group, my clan; I only was able to once in my life, in my early 20’s at the YMCA group in Ottawa where we were all young adults with special needs. For the first time in my life I was accepted and belonged, I flourished and blossomed and came out of my shell. I need to find that place, those people, again, as I haven’t had it since and certainly not from my own family who always make a point of excluding me, pushing me away, making it clear I don’t matter, I’m not welcome, not a part of this family, not valued or loved, not worth the effort or bother, and I don’t fit in or belong. I  hope for the new YR to be able to find My Circle, where I will finally be allowed in, accepted, and belong.

I also hope in 2018 to find my Soul Mate. I haven’t been laid in over 10 years so I don’t even know if that thing even still works anymore but it’s not even about that; I need someone to even just converse with, and for company and companionship, someone to talk to about things I’m interested in without them rolling their eyes, face-palming, or shaking their head in exasperation thinking I’m stupid and annoying, but that actually enjoys my company and being with me and talking with me and thinks that my jokes and twisted sense of humour is funny, and when I interject a comment or a joke into a conversation they will respond kindly instead of either ignoring me or putting it down and being condescending, demeaning, belittling and dismissive of everything I say. I also need someone to give me physical human affection; I need to be touched, hugged, kissed, held,and cuddled, I need to be someone’s everything, for them to love me with all their heart, to smile when they think of me, to see me as “beautiful” because they love me.I need someone in my life that loves me enough to help me heal instead of hating me  and blaming me for my brokenness and limitations I have no control over.

I need someone who will enjoy the same music I do and not call it Druggie music. I need someone who will smoke weed with me instead of being a judgemental asshole and calling me a Pothead. I need someone who’s artsy, creative, a free spirit and an old hippie like me. I need someone that doesn’t think it’s weird I love hippos. I need someone when they see sunflowers they think of me. I need someone that loves music concerts, sunsets, travel, culture, and riding on a motorcycle as much as I do. I need someone who loves  and honours God. A need someone who treats me with respect and kindness. I need someone who loves me  and accepts me just as I am. I need love. I need alot of change in my life. I need newness, change, beauty, peace, love, freedom, independence, friendship, guidance, direction, strength, courage, wisdom, hope, happiness, joy, and light but mostly I need love. I feel like a dried up withered flower that needs to be watered and nourished in order to be revived and regain life and vitality again.

I’m pretty sure as well when I woke up during the night( and then I was awake from 1 am -4 am until I could get back to sleep again which was really annoying and happens often lately and now I’m really tired,too) I was coming out of the end of a seizure last night as my fists and jaw/teeth were both clenched and my legs were rigid and extended and it felt like I was vibrating. I get fitted for the heart monitor next week as well as get the CT scan results so maybe if I have another seizure something odd will show up on the heart monitor,too, some sort of blip in the heart beat, and maybe I have a sinus tumour or something which would explain the headaches and why my nose is almost always stuffy and has been runny lately as well yet no other signs of a cold; it’s like I have allergies only I don’t now it’s winter and sometimes it hurts and aches under my left nostril and feels like a bruise but there’s nothing there…when I see my family doc I’m going to ask him again to refer me to a gyno( he wouldn’t before) and I still have heavy periods, bleeding in-between, bad abdomenal pain and a p*ssy that stinks worse than a fish market…think raw lobster festering out in the summer heat….I think it must be diseased, perhaps I have uterine cancer or something…in any case, I know something’s causing it, there’s some reason,and it’s in that area, so…..my friend O( from grade 10 who is now a psychologist) is doing even worse than I am though; he had a kidney removed last year due to cancer and in the new YR he’s having open heart surgery for a blocked valve! Getting old really sucks!

Shrek’s Swamp.

Screen Shot 06-26-17 at 06.15 PM This is what our pool looks like. Like Shrek’s swamp. The pool guys came to open the pool for the season….except they couldn’t find the “bridge” or something to put up the ladder and railing and there’s no suction so they couldn’t start running the pump so the water’s not circulating and their guess is that something must be stuck somewhere, such as a plug or a dead mouse or chipmunk or something so we have to get them to come back again and “blow out” the system and somehow flush whatever’s in there out so we get suction again and the pump can work. Shit. We always have so many problems, delays,and expenses with the pool. I was hoping we would be open for business but no such luck. Even then and they put all the chemicals in and it starts to circulate thru the system it will still take a few days to a week( maybe even longer if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t for us) for the water to clear up and get all nice and clear and blue….

We also tried having a BBQ but the coals never got white or hot enough for some reason, not even after 3 HRS so hardly anything ended up cooked, other than a few hamburgers,and all the hotdogs just got warm but the skins never got black, peeling, or blistered( the way I love,and then they’re so fun to peel before you eat) or even the char-broil lines on them, so the BBQ was a bust. My hubby just left all the food on the grill and went off to do something else too it was so slow and nothing was happening and we were all so disappointed; that was our dinner and we were hungry and really looking forward to our food! Of course he never had the sense to go get new coals and try again in case the coals were defective or wet, and I have a suspicious that he probably did something to it on purpose so it wouldn’t catch because he didn’t want to do a BBQ! (he thinks I’m paranoid…..but I’m suspicious; it’s not the same thing!)

I also wake up the past 3 days in a row with a headache and dizzy which usually means a seizure is coming, sort of like a warning, like changes in the atmosphere building up before a tornado, and the headache lingered thru the day yesterday so I took a known headache remedy to get rid of it: weed, and it worked; it was quickly gone and never came back, and I said to my mother, My thoughts are solar-powered and I think I saw a giraffe in the backyard….. and she goes, Did you have your weed today? and I said, Yeah! How did you know? I also saw somewhere that seizures can be a symptom of liver failure which makes sense in my case given my past history of liver problems as well as my high liver enzyme count every time I have my blood work and also my bad fluid retention….

 

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 07.19 PM 002 This is just here because I thought it was super-cute and just had to share it. Just because it made me smile. It’s also perfect for summer.

The kids like to hide my stuff ( clothes, toiletries, etc..) just to drive me crazy as well and make me think I’m losing my mind; it’s some sort of twisted prank or head game and mindf*ck  thing they do and my mother’s so obsessed with where things go in the fridge; they have to go in certain spots or she goes ape-shit,like when I put something somewhere and apparantly it wasn’t where it “should” be or where she didn’t think it should be,and she was chewing me out and I said, At least I put it back! What’s the big deal? and she shrieked  Not where it belongs! Why don’t you care? and I told her, Because I’m not obsessed with it like you! It doesn’t matter. She wants me to fill out her passport application too( as her old one is expiring) simply because she doesn’t want to do it and couldn’t be bothered but I hate doing them,too, and hate gov’t forms and always have a hard time and struggle with them and almost always make mistakes and fill something out wrong and they have to return it….. and I don’t see too well,either….I’m really not the one to have do it, and then she implies that I sort of “owe” her because she does my income tax(and that’s how she works; she’ll never do anything just to be “nice”; she keeps “tabs” and you “owe” her and when she wants you to do something for her and you refuse she’ll call out that “favour” you “owe” her in return) …..except that’s only because I don’t know how; it’s too hard and complex, and I can’t do math and don’t understand it, so if she didn’t do it, it just wouldn’t get done, and it’s only for the gov’t so I don’t give a shit ,because I can’t do it, but there’s no reason she can’t do her passport re-newal, she just doesn’t want to but she is capable.

Peonies.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 03.34 PM Here are some peonies from our garden! My mother didn’t want me to bring them in the house because they always have ants on them but we already have ants in the house anyway( ants in the summer, mice in the winter; it’s seasonal) and besides, I love peonies, and they remind me so much of my Babushka who had such a wonderful garden and would always cut me fresh flowers to take home. I also think I had another seizure during the night too as I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was violently shaking the end of my bed but it ended up that it was me; it was my legs that were rigid, shaking, thumping, banging, and thrashing on the bed; my seizures are weird; they always start at the bottom( feet) and work their way up. I can’t be entirely sure, but I’m pretty sure that it was real and not a dream as it is imprinted as a very clear memory on my brain, but I also kept drifting in and out and I often have a hard time distinguishing if something really happened or if it was just a dream.

The other day driving back from the clinic I also saw something I love but haven;t seen in a long time: gladiolas! They were growing in someone’s garden and were a light pink/ white mix in colour, and I also got a phonecall from my doctor’s office; they want me to come in for a yearly BP check since I take meds for my high BP and said while I’m there I can also pick up a colon cancer screening kit and I’m to put a shit in a container for testing (I remember the vet doing this for my dogs testing for worms) and I either bring it back there or mail it off somewhere( can you imagine getting a turd, or even worse,diarrhrea, in the mail?) to be tested, and I wonder how  exactly I’m supposed to do it; I mean, do I scoop it out of the toilet with a spoon and then place it in the container….or do I somehow manage to actually shit into  the actual container, and how, exactly, am I expected to correctly aim without getting shit all over my hands……OMG…..I don’t know….I’ve never had to shit in a container before….

Funny as well: missionaries came by and the 18 YR old answered the door and she didn’t want to be mean to them but she didn’t want to be “recruited” either so she “sells” me out instead, telling them, My mother’s really religious! Maybe she’ll go to your church! and then she goes and takes a picture of Jesus off the wall and shows them and says, My mother really loves JesusIt was just soooo funny, and I felt really old yesterday,too: I was on the phone with a representative trying to activate an online account and he said he’ll “walk” me thru it as I remain on the phone but I said I’ll have to go try and let him know if it works and he was confused so I explained it( the computer) was in the other room (so he must have thought it was a laptop) and then he said to just bring the phone in with me and I said I can’t…..it’s attached to the wall! and there’s a moment of silence as he tries to process it and then he goes, Oh!

It was that moment. He was a young guy and he had just assumed that I had a cell phone that I could take around with me from room to room and that I had a laptop(and not a desktop) which is portable…..but no, I’m this middle-aged old woman who uses a desktop and still uses a land-line phone stuck to the wall…..I just felt so old at that moment, and so out of touch but it’s just that technology doesn’t like me  and it’s just so complicated and never works for me; I prefer the simple, less complicated things. I don’t like gadgets that are smarter than I am. I have such a hard time trying to figure out all this complex stuff and it makes my brain hurt.

My hubby is also a big fan of this Power of Positive Thinking crap to “cure” depression instead of medication but I just think it’s all a bunch of hooey; sometimes you need medication, and him saying to just cheer up, snap out of it, or think positive! mind over matter crap doesn’t work for depression; it’s like telling someone with cancer or diabetes to just Think Positive thoughts! and they’ll feel better, that being positive will cure them; they don’t need medication…..what a bunch of HORSE SHIT! He also likes to always scold me and berate me saying, You never listen! when in actual fact I do listen; I just don’t understand, and they’re entirely different  things. I don’t purposely do things wrong, mess up, not follow instructions, etc.. it’s just that with my Asperger’s I have trouble comprehending stuff, so I’ll listen and I’ll hear what you’re saying but I don’t always know what you mean, what you want, or what I’m supposed to do. I’m just stupid and I always do things wrong, and always need help with everything all the time, need to keep being re-told instructions, and nothing ever works for me and it just enrages my hubby who has zero tolerance for my stupidity or ineptitude.

Skype.

Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them…..so here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

EEG.

Screen Shot 03-12-17 at 09.22 AM I had my EEG done yesterday morning. I had a bunch of electrodes stuck to my scalp like the ones seen here, only my wires were multi rainbow coloured. First the technician measured my head and drew markings on my scalp. Then she rubbed a gritty paste all over, bit by bit, that felt like sand and reminded me of the apricot face scrub I use. Then she carefully applied and reapplied and readjusted the electrodes and had me lay down on my back.It took about 45 minutes in total. I felt like Frankenstein being plugged in, and looked like Medusa with snakes coming out of my hair!

I was told to relax and close my eyes for most of it, and hopefully even to fall asleep. I didn’t but I did try to find my Happy Place, imagining myself at the beach in the Caribbean, floating in the ocean,and I could feel myself starting to leave my body.At the end of the test she flashed various flashing lights and then said to open my eyes and then close them, and an after-image  remained and it was moving and looked like a psychedelic kalaidescope, and it felt like I’d just had a few good bong hits and was tripping out…..except I hadn’t had any weed! I asked what the results were, as hopefully it’ll give some idea as to why I’ve been having seizures,and even though they weren’t lucky enough to actually catch me having one during the test, people that do still often have abnormal brain waves that the test picks up,and also shows which specific area of the brain affected and it originates from, but she said she’s just the technician and the neurologist has to read the results and I should hear back in around 5 days. So now I wait……. I just hope that something showed up so we have some answers, but I bet with my luck it’s be normal or inconclusive….

As well, my purple Converse high-tops my hubby got me for Mother’s Day are now up on top of the china cabinet in the diningroom until Mother’s Day, but I visit them regularly, anticipating when I get to wear them, and I always feel so completely and utterly drained all the time,too, and so run-down fatigued every day, so faint and sleepy it feels like something’s just sucked all the life and energy out of me, and I really do wonder if maybe I have some sort of cancer they haven’t found yet, or maybe it really is kidney failure?

I also like the movie quote from Black Mass that Whitey Bulger said, “If nobody saw it, it didn’t happen” (even though God sees everything and you can’t hide from Him) and from the movie Moonlight how the older mentor was explaining to the boy that in his kitchen no one ever sits with their back to the door, so that no one can sneak up on you from behind and you can see them coming, and I realized that I’ve always done this instintively myself my whole life,subconsciously, without even being aware of it; sitting at the table, or in the livingroom, or even the way my head’s positioned in bed; I never have my back to the door but I’m always facing it! My life and traumas have taught me to always be on guard: for enemies, for attack, for battle, to flee, for danger, to fear,to run,to hide, to expect the unexpected, for emergencies, for betrayal, I never feel like I can ever fully let go and relax or let my guard down. It’s like I’m always living in this constant state of alert.It’s like I’m always in survival mode.