Prison Break.

Screen Shot 05-11-17 at 01.25 PM After 10 days in the hospital on the child and youth psych ward the 14 YR old is now finally home! I’m so relieved, as going back and forth all the way to Kingston every day was just physically and emotionally exhausting and I was just so gutted from the therapy session the other day that the day after I couldn’t even go see her, I just didn’t have it in me, compounded by the fact that even on her birthday she wouldn’t even let me give her a hug and it was all just too much, leaving me feeling attacked and rejected, plus overwhelmed with stress, and I needed a break. We had a discharge meeting with us, 6 people from the ward, and 2 of the eating disorders people in on a conference call. I’m glad she’s home at last but worried,too; at least in the hospital I knew she was safe; there was no way she could hurt or kill herself there, but now she’s back home there are more opportunities to do so, even though we will still be watching her like a hawk…

The 17 YR old also found out where she’s been getting all the razors from despite me locking up all of our razors: she’s been ordering them from Russia and they arrive in the mail, even though she denied it and said it was the 22 YR old but he said it wasn’t him, so now we;ll also have to intercept her mail when it arrives,too, to “weed out” anything harmful, and we have all the medications and sharp things locked away in a box with a combination lock only I can never do those things and I always need someone else (only my mother, my hubby and I know the combo) to do it for me as it never works for me,and it reminds me of when I started grade 7 and I had to practice all summer getting my combination lock open because it’s that hard for me.Life is hard when you’re stupid.

We also went down this street in Kingston named Albert St. and I just love the old brick Victorian-style houses there and I can even see us living on that street as I feel God  increasingly calling us to move to Kingston, so it will be interesting to see if anything comes out of it, and I bought artificial sunflowers at the Dollar Store to keep in my bedroom as well, with the hope that sometime I’ll find real ones, and I’ve been so out of focus all week too that I thought it was Wednesday for 3 days in a row!

I tried to kill myself again last night,too, since it didn’t work the other night, and I even took Zofran before the other pills, to ensure I wouldn’t vomit them up, and I took a shitload of Oxycontin, and I lay down with Buddy, listening to my music, looking at my sunflower painting on my wall….but nothing happened….I just fell asleep and then woke up…pissed off I was still here. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t have worked though, other than my mother saying It’s not your time, but why hasn’t God taken me yet? I’m done, I have nothing left, I can’t do this anymore. What possible reason is He still keeping me around for, what purpose can He possibly  have for keeping me alive? What plan does He have for my life? My brother-in-law also scolded me to grow up, etc. but he obviously has no idea what it’s like, and being critical like that is not helpful. I’m also still loopy and spacey all day today,too, left-over from the pills, and I even slept in late, until 7 :30 and I’m walking around in a “fog” all day and when I fell asleep on the couch my mother wasn’t able to wake me up!

Something funny about Buddy too: I was watching the Criminal Minds season finale on TV and I kept hearing a dog barking and it sounded like it was outside,and then I remembered, Where’s Buddy? thinking maybe I’d accidently left him outside in the backyard(remember, I was out of focus) so I went to check and found the barking coming from the rec-room, from under the desk….so I looked…..and there he was stuck in a box! It was one of those big tall Rubbermaid boxes,too, like the kind we put the Christmas decorations in, so I guess he somehow got in but was unable to get back out so I lifted him out( after laughing my ass off) and rescued him.Poor little guy. I imagine life is tough when you have short little stubby legs.

Setback.

Screen Shot 04-27-17 at 11.08 AM I found out a couple of saddening things that indicate a setback with the 13 YR old with her eating disorder treatment. It breaks my heart to see her continue to struggle like this, esp. when it appeared she was progressing and coming along so well. I won’t go into too many details but I can tell you that she still continues to cut herself, that she never stopped and has been lying this entire time when she said that she did, and I found a few more disturbing things hidden in her room that are concerning,and she also said she hates me and blames me for giving birth to her, even though having her was one of the best things that happened to me and she’s the girl that I’ve always wanted, dreamed of and hoped for! It really hurts me to see her struggling like this and I also feel badly and guilty that they( the kids) “inherited” my crazy..if I had only known earlier I never would have had kids.

It would appear that her cutting is like a compulsion, or an addiction, or something and that she just can’t stop it, and of course my hubby’s in denial, but I hope in time she can still recover, and she is doing better physically and health wise, so that’s still progress, and I know there will be some setbacks,steps backwards, and some bad days and some struggles, but hopefully eventually her mind can also be healed and this illness won’t always have a hold over her and she can make a full recovery and she can one day look back on this as just a temporary struggle she was able to overcome and put behind her, and notlife-long battle.

Screen Shot 04-27-17 at 01.36 PM My mother also scared me by saying So, what do they do, take the kids away then and put them into foster care and have someone else look after them if they’re not gaining enough weight, or what? (She’s always saying  horrible things to scare me and put scary thoughts in my head)what if they really doI never even thought of that! She’s so selfish and only thinks about herself,too, such as eating all the fruitcups when the 13 YR old needs them for her nutrition and re-feeding program and she needs them alot more than my mother does and her health and recovery is more important, and I also needed my hubby to help me find a file on my computer ( that was hidden under something like 8 steps to retrieve and I didn’t know where it was and I’d never be able to find it on my own) that I needed to send to the eating disorders clinic about the 13 YR old and my mother snatched him up needing him to help her get her TV show set up for her to watch first, even though that can wait and the well-being of the 13 YR old is more important and actually a priority, and she stomps, But I don’t want to wait! She really is a piece of work!

The Eating Disorder Clinic.

screen-shot-03-03-17-at-04-28-pm Yesterday the 13 YR old saw the child psychiatrist and had her assessment for her bulimia and self-harm( cutting.) The doctor talked to her, my hubby,and I all together at first and then to her alone, and then to all of us again. We also filled out some information forms. She asked mainly about mental health history in our family, on both sides, concentrating most on immediate family members.She decided the best course of action for treatment is to go to the eating disorder clinic once a week, at least initially until she’s stabilized, both her and my hubby and I as she said treatment involves working together as a family and they have an entire team that works together incl. a nutritionist, a doctor, a social worker, a behaviour modification specialist, etc. She will also be keeping a food journal and learning more appropriate strategies to cope with anxiety and will receive counselling and perhaps medication, to treat depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.and to identify “triggers.”

The only problem is that it’s an HR drive each way and my hubby will have to take the time off work one day a week which will be difficult, and it’s too bad that there isn’t an eating disorder treatment closer to here, but sadly the mental health treatments for kids in this area is pretty much non-existant. I just hope that they actually can help her, and I’m still so stressed out and worried about the whole crisis that I’m still not sleeping,and now I’m hardly eating much,either, my appetite is gone with the stress,and I feel sick and faint with all the anxiety.I’m a wreck.

After the app’t we also went to the mall so she could get the new Zelda game she’s been waiting 5 years for and we looked around, and I tried on free make-up at Sephora and I went to the nail salon and got my nails done again, a French manicure like before as this Lent I decided the bad habit I’m trying to give up is biting my nails and the only way I’ve ever been successful at doing that is when I had my nails done before,and it lasted for 5 weeks, plus I’m under so much stress right now I really needed to pamper and treat myself, plus it’s something I can do to make myself feel “pretty”; I know I’ll never be thin again or  ever be pretty, but I can at least have nice nails, and a nice suntan in the summer.

My hubby and the 13 YR old didn’t want me to get my nails done though as they didn’t want to wait and hang around the mall waiting for me; they wanted to go right home, but excuuuussse meeeee! I hardly ever get to go out, and I wanted to do stuff at the mall,too, and they have to think about other people sometimes! It’s just so typical though, of how anything for me is always such a burden, inconvenient, dismissed, unimportant, a bother, not a priority, etc. and my hubby even threatened to leave me there, and it’s an HR away! I’d have no way to get back home! It really hurts the way they treat me and devalue,and my family makes me feel so unlovable and worthless and it’s an awful feeling and not something anyone should be made to feel. With my life and traumas and in my brokenness I have also lost the ability to be the person I was. I have essentially been stripped of me.

The 17 YR old also had a friend over, and she made this funny loud barking coughing sound that sounded like a walrus and I just cracked up because I used to make that exact same sound myself when I was younger! In fact, I was even nick-named The Walrus! For some reason though ever since I got pregnant with my first child and ever since then I’ve lost my ability to be able to do it, but it was the funniest thing,and now to hear someone else do my Walrus again all these YRS later was hilarious,and, just like when I would entertain everyone with my Walrus, they were cracking up laughing hearing it as well just like my friends always did.

The Storm.

screen-shot-03-02-17-at-07-56-am Just last week  it was impressed on my heart that A storm will be coming, but God will not abandon you.He will be with you like always and you will get thru it. At the time it made me a bit nervous, thinking it must be warning that something bad was going to happen soon but then soon forgot all about it.

Until last night.

Last night the 13 YR old had fainted, so went to the ER and much to our surprise we found out for-get this- the past few years– she’s been anorexic and bulimic and the self-harming is back again,too! They ran tests incl. bloodwork to check her potassium and electrolyte levels and kidney and liver function,and took a urine sample, monitored her BP, and did a EKG,and thankfully everything was ok but needless to say we were beyond devastated. She got a referral to get in right away to see a pediatric psychiatrist in the city. Referrals usually take months but this is serious and some things just can’t wait so they’re able to get her seen right away.A small blessing. Acyually, a huge one!

screen-shot-03-02-17-at-06-41-pm This just breaks my heart. I know it will be a long, hard journey as eating disorders , like depression, tend to be life-long and hard to treat,  but I’m hoping that will therapy, counselling, and medication that she can at least be stabilized and feel better and yet also I know that God will see us thru this crisis and uphold and strengthen us just like He has for all of our many numerous other ones we’ve had to endure, but right now I’m just so spent. I just really broke, and I broke hard. This is  very distressing, hit us unexpected out of nowhere, and I’m having a hard time processing it. I’m just still trying to function on a few HRS sleep and with a stress level so high my ulcer pain is back again, and I feel cold and sick with anxiety, worry,and fear, just numb and devastated that I almost passed out!.

It hurts me that she’s hurting so much,and also that we never noticed a thing and never saw anything( so then weren’t aware and able to help her) but they did say that get very “good at hiding” and “sneaky” so that no one can tell, and why DO we have so much shit in our family, so many trials, tragedies, struggles, so much mental illness…why are we always so f*cked up? I feel guilty too because there are alot of nuts on my family tree , and it appears depression ,anxiety,and bipolar have some genetic component .I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I am on the brink, but, like swimming or surfing in the ocean, just take it one wave at a time, and like The Beatles said, All things must pass.

No matter what the trial  I always have the comfort of knowing that God either takes you out of it, or helps you thru it.