Jesus Loves You!

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 08.14 AM As I was walking Buddy, an old woman I’d never seen before walks by walking her Pug and said to me, Jesus Christ loves you! and I politely replied back, You,too! and she goes, Thank you! and off she goes, and at first I was kind of taken aback and thought it was sort of weird and unexpected, and thought, Uh, ok…. but then it occurred to me, maybe she’s a messenger from God, an answer to my prayer, sending me someone to show me and remind me of God’s love and to remind me that He loves me, esp. when I really needed to hear it the most and it was a powerful spiritual experience and when it hit me I felt almost light-headed and overcome with emotion and felt like I was walking a bit taller. She probably greets everyone like that, but how it came precisely at exactly when I needed it and right after my prayer, it really impacted me. Thanks God, I know that was you.

When I put Buddy out in the backyard to go pee the 14 and 16 YR olds also purposely would distract and scare him so that he wouldn’t go as well, just to annoy me, and when I walked by I heard the 16 YR old snicker gleefully to the second-oldest and the 14 YR old, We broke her! and then they all giggled in satisfaction, as if in mission accomplished. Words can’t even describe how it made me feel at that moment, and I think their words and actions speak for themselves. I just shuffled past and pretended that I didn’t hear it. What do you possibly say to something like that? I can’t take their abuse anymore.

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 05.22 PM The 14 YR old also lost another pound this week and the clinic even criticized us too for taking her to the ER when she was in crisis saying we can’t rely on the ER, etc. even though that’s where she felt like she needed to be and wanted to be, and her new thing now( that the 16 YR old has also joined her in just to bug me) is she won’t eat any food if I touched it, like I have cooties, am radioactive, infectious, contagious, or unclean or something and it’s offensive, insulting, demeaning,and degrading; like I’m lower caste, like one of the Untouchables or a leper or something; unclean! unclean! Stay away!  and no one will go near you or touch anything you’ve touched, as if you’re inferior and a social outcast. They’re just so mean to me and it really hurts my feelings. The 16 YR old also made this flip comment to me and the second-oldest said to her in an accusing tone(directed at me) Be careful or you’ll end up on the blog! They can all just kiss my ass!

The 14 YR old  also complains saying she hates it when I yell up to her upstairs to come down for her meals, but if I don’t yell how is she possibly going to hear me? She’s supposed to set a timer on her phone to remind her when meal and snack times are only she’s stopped doing that so I have to remind her, and I can’t run up and down stairs or I get out of breath and if I don’t yell how will she hear me up there? If she actually just came down on time for meals and snacks I wouldn’t even have to call her. I just can’t possibly “win” either way, no matter what I do. I had a good cry today,too, and I buried my face into Buddy’s soft warm fur and he nuzzled me back, sensing I was upset and he was consoling me, and maybe I’m not the best at showing affection with my Asperger’s but everything I’ve ever done has always been about protecting the kids and keeping them safe, advocating for what’s best for them,and trying to raise them Godly and comes from a place of love, even if they don’t see it or realize it. I sacrificed so much (incl. emotionally, and mentally) to keep them safe from an enemy that threatened our family( and was one of the worst traumas that affected me and really broke me hard), and even gave up a good portion of our income fighting the system to defend and protect our homeschool and to keep us safely anonymous, I pushed, even threatening legal action, to ensure the 19 YR old was admitted to the psych ward when he was suicidal and the ER was going to release him, and I wouldn’t stop fighting to get the eating disorders clinic to put the struggling 14 YR old on meds despite their repeated objections, because I know she needs it and I fight for her…..I still feel emotion even if I can’t always express it. I want what’s best for them because I care….despite how they treat me.

Our cousin and his family are also on a trip in Spain, but they already live in Europe anyway  so it’s not too far for them and so it’s just the airfare they need as they’re staying at his parents’ winter villa,  and every night I wake up during the night in a coughing fit and I wonder what it is? Could it be sleep apnea maybe? It’s the strangest thing…I have this feeling too my friend F from Ottawa might have died as I keep having dreams about her; several over the past couple of months, and due to the reason why we had to move I wasn’t able to have any contact with her(or anywhere from there) for the past 17 YRS ever since we left, nothing that could trace anyone back to us and find our current location….and now all of a sudden the dreams….I often dream about people who have died, Babushka, for example, where I’m visiting them, and the …..I wonder if it’s true?


What A Trip!

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 07.12 PM I went on this fantastic trip yesterday and I didn’t even leave the house! After I’d smoked a joint the music I was listening to became altered, and I noticed a David Bowie song that was playing sounded like it was playing on slow speed and my first thought was,”This song isn’t supposed to sound like that!” and  that something must be wrong with my iPod and then I realized, “Oh! It’s my  hearing  that’s off, not the iPod!”

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.15 PM Then as I looked up towards the sky I saw this bright, bright white light, similar to the one pictured here(it was the closest I could get) in a circular pattern, and it was the brightest light I had ever seen yet I could look directly at it without hurting my eyes or even squinting! (I know it wasn’t the sun,either as I was also aware of the sun on the other side, and it was yellow) and it was round with a tunnel with a round black “hole” at the distant end, with the outer rim of the hole rainbow colours, like in a prism, and the “hole” felt like it kept coming closer to me(or was I going towards it? It’s all perspective) and I felt “drawn” to it, like everything in my very being wanted to jump into it onto the other side but then it stared moving farther away from me again.

I also saw this huge angel in the sky and it was an orangy-red colour and so large it took up half the sky,and it was standing beside the bright tunnel light. It cast a shadow all along the house and backyard where I was sitting outside,too and it wasn’t a usual shadow, but an orange colour shadow and I wondered if anyone else could see it as well( even though no one else was out there, I was by myself) or if it was just me and I was transfixed on it but it just hovered there for a few seconds( or was it minutes? The sequence of time was all out of whack and my perception was distorted) and I should have taken a photo of it with the iPod to see what image showed up, if any, but I didn’t even think of it, I was just so enthralled with the spiritual, mystical experience at the time and caught up in the moment.

Thru the rest of the day I continued to feel an “other-worldliness” feeling as well, felt the “veil” “thinning” between us and the Heavens and it seemed so close like I could just reach out and touch it, and every time I’d look up at the sky the colour was like how the sun would look like if you were wearing sunglasses, and I had this revelation that I’m going to die soon as well and had the impression that it’ll be due to an aneurysm, and I will  find the love and happiness that I’ve always longed for,too, only in Heaven, as in Heaven you’re  surrounded and enveloped by love and then happiness would naturally follow as a result. I would finally feel loved, accepted, and like I belong, incl. self-love as I will no longer be  ugly, fat, stupid, or have my limitations and challenges but will be made whole and new and won’t hate myself anymore, and would no longer have the anxieties , worries, traumas, and damage that cripple me here on Earth, either. I will be at peace.

I don’t know if it was a hallucination, a NDE, a “preview” of dying, or just a groovy “trip” but whatever it was, it was intense! WOW!! It’s not something that I’ll ever forget!