I think this must be my new favourite food…..only there’s nothing left by the time I thought to take a photo because it’s so good I just gobbled it up so quickly there was nothing left! It’s the yummy spicy mashed potatoes that the 23 YR old invented and whips up. He also does these really good and hot and spicy “glass” noodles. I didn’t know it at first (and found out the hard way, several hours later, when my lactose intolerance  and IBS loudly declared itself in the form of stomach pain and abdomenal cramps) but he puts lots of butter and milk in, and then adds lots of spices.  I asked him for the recipe but he says he doesn’t really have one; he just sort of makes it up as he goes along, and he doesn’t measure,either; he just puts in a pinch of this spice and a pinch of that. The end result is always so good though, like the sort of thing you’d have at a high-end restaurant, like at a French place where you’d have those fancy stuffed potatoes or something.

I also have a sort of “reprieve” on possibly having to move( which I don’t want to do, it’s always such a hassle, plus I’m settled here and this is my home and I don’t want to move) as well as the other day my mother declared, Well, at this point if we’re even going to move it won’t be until at least the spring now; no one wants to move over the winter! (Last time we did move in winter but it wasn’t by choice; we had to flee and it just happened to be in winter)So it looks like we’ll be having Christmas still here afterall then and I’m “safe” at least for a few more months I can relax and not have to worry about it. My hubby is also selling all his remote control toys( cars, motorcycles, other electronic gadgets that I’ve bought him as gifts over the decades for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day,etc.) online, saying he’s downsizing, getting ready to move, and de-clutter but to me it’s “fishy” as giving away or selling your personal pocessions and things can be an indication that you’re planning on committing suicide,too, so I asked him and he just gave me this incredulous look and a  condescending look of disdain and like he thinks I’m the dumbest person on Earth like he always does whenever I say, ask, or do anything he thinks is “dumb’ and he said it wasn’t, but who knows, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of anything I gave him, and that reminds him of me, and of us, esp. since we’ve moved something like 3 times before and he’s always taken all his stuff with him, incl. all his “Man Toys” so it just made me wonder.

My mother also was yelling at poor Buddy and body shamed him for farting ( even though it’s just a body function and we all do it!) saying it reeked and made him feel so ashamed, so guilty, so badly, and he thought he was being bad and in trouble, that he hid under the couch and was sulking, the poor old dog! I felt so badly for him and I had to coax him out. One of my friends said the next time she farts I should yell at her and my friend T (in Ottawa) said overall with the nasty way she treats me and interferes with my raising and disciplining my kids that I should send her to a home.  😀  I accidently gave Buddy my hubby’s left-over food as well; he’d left some ground beef on a plate on the table after he’d eaten and just left it there, indicating he was finished but didn’t clean up his plate or put it away and so I figured he was finished and I didn’t want it to get thrown out( because we can’t afford to waste food) so I gave it to the dog….and then later on he comes back and goes, Where’s my food? and I’m like, Uh….uh,oh…You don’t mean the plate you left on the diningroom table, do you? and when he said it was I told him, Well…..there’s still some left if you want it…..I  thought you were done and gave it to the dog….it’s on the floor….   ha,ha…

On Sunday my hubby wasn’t here either to drive me to church and it was really raining and I had to walk in the rain and I got soaked( and no, I don’t have an umbrella) and I was wearing this gauze blouse and skirt from India with bright black and red colours on a tan background on it and the black dye ran in the rain and it ran all down my legs and had this really gross musty smell, sort of like a damp basement, and later this month my oldest turns 29 as well and I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since I spread my legs and launched him into this world(and then that I still shat 10 more others out of my womb after,too!)! It just seems like not too long ago that he was just a baby, and when I was prego with him, and now it makes me feel really old.

Loud And Annoying.

Screen Shot 04-09-17 at 07.08 PM Yesterday the 13 and 15 YR olds rolled their eyes and gruffed that I’m so loud and annoying, giving me some insight as to maybe why they don’t me, but that’s just the way I talk, just the way I am, they think I’m yelling but I’m not; I’m just loud, it’s just my voice,and they don’t like it that I’m always telling them what to do and reminding them to do stuff, even though I’m the mother and it’s my job, so basically, they hate me for doing what I’m supposed to do,and they hate it as well that I force them to go to church, but I see it as raising them in the church because they need God, religion, faith, morals,and values in their life; it’s good for them , like medicine, and in order to be in good general overall health one must be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. They also taunt that God and Jesus aren’t real, and that they’re imaginary, fantasy, mythical, like unicorns, and that they’re “stupid” and they “hate” them and that Jesus can suck on a …… it really hurts me when they talk like that and they say as soon as they move out they’re never going to church again, but as long as they live here they are, even though the 13 YR old somehow has it in her head that she’s the Boss, and of everyone too, when at 13 she’s not even the boss of herself yet, not until she’s an adult!WTF?

It was Palm Sunday yesterday as well, the end of Lent and the start of Holy Week, and Easter is next Sunday already,too, hard to believe, and it smelled like manure in church yesterday,too, and my guess is either some old guy shit himself or a farmer was sitting nearby me and I had to walk home,too, as my hubby took the girls shopping, which was obviously more important, and he snarked that I’m too lazy to walk when in actual fact I get out of breath walking, and I fear one day I’m going to pass out or maybe even have a heart-attack right there in the middle of the street….but not that he’d care, and, in fact, that’s probably what he’s hoping! At least it was nice and warm to walk, it was 16 C and I was outside for 4 HRS as well and even got a sunburned face! The girls also put up the trampoline for the season,too!

My mother said she got a nice rest away at the motel for the weekend as well, although she couldn’t sleep the first night( it was probably too quiet and she’s not used to it) and she went to KFC and her blood sugar was low and needed a drink of orange juice so she just butts-in at the front of the line without waiting her turn and rudely demands they serve her first and they wouldn’t, and someone ahead of her goes, I was here first! and she just snarled, Gimme the juice! but they didn’t so she went somewhere else and got it. She’s just so demanding and rude and I don’t know what she thinks gives her the right to think she always comes before everyone else and to demand instant service like that! I’m so glad that I wasn’t with her, I would have been soooo embarrassed! One of the first things she asked me when she got home too is if I fed the squirrels while she was away,too,and I told her, No, that wasn’t a priority and she goes, It’s part of the daily routine! and I told her, Not mine; my priorities were making sure the people got fed,and doing the laundry!….man, she’s so obsessed with those stupid squirrels, it’s so weird and she’s so OCD!


screen-shot-02-16-17-at-07-57-am There’s this huge puddle in the neighbour’s driveway that I walk by every time I take Buddy out for his walk and when I saw it, it gave me a flashback, reminding me of when I was 4-5 YRS old. I used to actually sit down and play in big dirty, muddy, deep puddles exactly like that when I was a kid. I clearly remember the best ones were at my friend C’s brother’s judo class’ place in the parking lot. They had huge potholes there and after a heavy rain they would fill up nice and deep and C and I would go there and wallow in the puddles like pigs in the mud. I know, I was a weird kid.

Seeing that big muddy puddle at the neighbour’s brought me right back, and I can’t even remember if my mother knew, or how she reacted( I imagine she wouldn’t have been too pleased when I came home all wet and muddy; I mean, what mother would?) all I remember is playing in the puddles and how much fun it was and seeing that big one brought back so many fond memories,and for a second I thought of how it would feel to re-live the experience but then decided against it as at my age I would look like the world’s biggest retard, but it brought a smile to my face and it’s funny how something like that can bring happy memories just flooding back.

As well, yesterday it was a glorious 14 C and Buddy and I sat outside in the sun for 2 HRS( who’d think I’d be sitting out in the sun in February?) and it’s been mild for the past 2 weeks,and I’ve heard lots of birds,too, so I’m hoping it means an early spring (we’re even supposed to have a thunderstorm later today,too) but I’m not going to get my hopes up, just in case it’s just “teasing”, and yesterday my hubby also took the girls shopping in Toronto and I didn’t even ask to go as I’ve been essentially banned from shopping(at least for awhile,anyway) to curb my spending,and I’m tracking the dress I ordered,too, and it’s now in Singapore so it still has a long journey to go until it arrives….

The 17 YR old also asked my mother and I if we think Mark Harmon is “hot” and when we said that we did, she goes, “I guess my theory is accurate then, that old people think other old people are hot!” Old people?  Who are you calling old? I haven’t heard from my friend G in Turkey in months,either, and he’s a Communist radical, some might even say revolutionary, and I wonder if they’ve picked him up on terrorism charges or something, and  since I’m pretty sure it was my hubby that betrayed me to my enemy telling them where I was (but God protected me so they weren’t able to harm me,luckily) in an effort to destroy me I bet if I didn’t have a legal prescription for my medical marijuana(and I just bought it off the street) that he’d probably turn me in to the cops to get busted for that,too. I’ve seen a side of him that others haven’t, a dark side, and I wish I didn’t know alot of the things I do, or at the very least I wish I had known them before. Before it was too late.Hindsight is everything.

My Garden.

Screen Shot 05-19-16 at 01.12 PM I went and got my flowers and planted my garden, seen here. I normally get 3 geraniums for each pot( so a total of 6) but they cost over 4$ apiece and I’m REALLY “broke” this YR so I got these flowers instead as they cost less. I normally also get 2 hanging plants for the front veranda (the ones here are in the backyard by the pool)but they start at 20$ each and I only had 60$ in total for ALL my gardening, incl. the potting soil which cost 5$ a bag and I needed 2 bags, so I didn’t have enough $$$$ to buy the hanging plants this YR. I’m disappointed and sad. I put artificial ones we had from before out instead but it’s pretty pathetic. Being poor *REALLY* sucks and it’s so bad now my mother is running out of her line of credit so we don’t know HOW we’re even going to be ABLE to pay the property taxes and home insurance *next* YR! I saw today a damn squirrel was digging up one of my flowers as well so I later put mothballs on the top of the dirt next to the flowers to repel them as they don’t like the smell. Little f*ckers.

Our Internet was also out AGAIN and my hubby wondered if there was a problem with his new credit card or if he’d forgotten to pay the bill but it wasn’t; just more of the usual shitty Internet often going out, and I re-bleached and dyed my hair blonde again,too, but it didn’t turn out at first; it was really yellow-y with a light orange tinge so I put an “ash” shade over it to tone it down and now it looks good.Blonde can be a very hard colour to get just right!! The 17 YR old also had a semi-formal dance with Cadets and soon the 14 YR old has a prom with her cheerleading and they both have fancy dresses for.

As far as I know anyway my friend hasn’t committed suicide, at least not yet,anyway; he’d posted on Facebook awhile ago that all the shelters are full and he’s dirty and really hungry, so it looks pretty hopeless but at least he’s still alive…for now….I just wish there was more I could do to help him…..I hope he can hang in there and that things look up for him….he’s lost everything and he really is down and out.



Donuts The other day my mother had the 16 YR old stop off and pick up a dozen donuts at Tim Hortons for everyone but of course she never got any of the kind that I like (I like jelly donuts and chocolate coconut) so I was upset and felt left out and “cheated” and I missed out, to which my mother snarked, “You should be grateful to even have any at ALL!” which, of course, is besides the point if I DON’T have any because there’s none that I LIKE so I DIDN’T get any,and then it triggered a dream a few nights later of a similar situation that they ordered in Chinese food and they got the good stuff and all they gave ME was plain rice and when I mentioned it my mother bawled me out to “be grateful I got anything at all” and I told her that it would be like everyone gets champagne and one personjust gets water,  but the fact of the matter is I’m sick and TIRED of always having to “settle” in life, of always getting everything “second-rate” and always being expected to, and told to, be content with that, as if I don’t deserve and shouldn’t expect, any better.It makes me feel “less-than”, as if I’m not “worth” the best, what I want,what I like, or my first choice, and that crap is all I should expect and all I deserve, sort of like throwing left-overs to the dog.

It also pisses me off that my mother has always told me for my entire life that I *shouldn’t* BE “too picky” or I’ll end up with nothing, and that “good enough is good enough” yet when I regret “settling” and being unhappy that I did(instead of waiting for something/someone better) she blames me and says it’s MY fault for settling and NOT waiting, so I can’t “win” either way!

What the f*ck?

As well, when I was trying to get out the back door I knocked over the brooms and the 14 and 18 YR olds taunted, “Way to go again, Fumbles!” and jeered at me, bringing me back to the days in Jr. High when the bullies treated me the same way and had cruel nick-names for me; some things never change and I just can’t seem to escape it, and I tried out one of my new “joints” too and I found out I can still cook Kraft Dinner( macaroni and cheese) while “high” but I noticed I was alot slower, slower reaction time, I moved slower,and everything felt like it was moving in slow-motion and it took me awhile to figure out where in the fridge the milk and margarine went back! I also “saw” what looked like a doll in a birch tree outside(I even got a suntan face,too) and I “floated” along on a warm ray of sun and when I’m stoned I can “tap” into a part of my brain and recall dreams that I’d had the night before but forgotten as well as go deep into “hidden” parts of my brain and deeper into my consciousness and when I feel like I’m “leaving” my body sometimes it feels like I’m dying but I just surrender  to it and go along with it and just ride the “wave”, and Buddy can sense something’s “off” about me as well and he whimpers and whines.He worries about me and I have to assure him that I’m ok.

All the snow’s gone now as well so we put the trampoline up for the season( so now the 8 YR old can jump on it instead of the furniture!) and I also brought my garden gnomes out of winter hibernation out of the shed a couple of days ago as well. Let’s just hope that we DON’T get any MORE snow now on……



BBQ We had our first BBQ of the season! We had hamburgers, 3 kinds of weiners, chicken, ribs, and souvlaki. The 13 YR old( who doesn’t eat meat) also threw some mushrooms on there. My hubby accidently dropped one of the weiners and tossed it over the fence for Buddy, who was waiting eagerly on the other side with his nose sniffing in the air at the aroma as I’m sure the entire neighbourhood was as well. We also had watermelon afterwards. The 13 and 17 YR olds also went gliding with Cadets and the 15 and 19 YR olds are away this weekend with their church youth group leader thingy. We packed the trailer with garbage and crap for the dump as well and my hubby even threw out perfectly good stuff like the little kitchen and tool sets that the kids just outgrew and have just faded a bit with the sun but are perfectly fine otherwise. It made me sad to see them thrown away like that when I think we should have given them away to someone else instead that might have been able to enjoy them.

I also think it’s sort of ironic that I’ve travelled to 35 countries and been to 7 U.S states but I’ve only been to 2 provinces( out of 10) in my own country although I have no interest in travelling here; I want to see other places and go to exotic places and learn about other cultures,and besides, it’s boring here,anyway, even though my hubby doesn’t understand why I hate it so much( and hassles me about it,too) even though I have good reasons to after what it, the gov’t,and people here have done to me. There’s a fishing tournament here this weekend as well so now there’s even *more* rednecks here than usual so now they’re even IMPORTING them,too, as if there weren’t enough here in this hick-ass “Bumble-F*ck” town already!


26March2015 What is THIS? I can’t believe it! It’s SNOWING again! Now everything’s all white again after most of it had all melted and it’s coming down heavy,too, not just a light dusting or a few flurries! WTF? I thought it was supposed to be SPRING? I’ve had enough of this and want my money back! I want a refund!

Me,parka ….but the GOOD thing is that my Canada Goose parka arrived this morning so at least I’ll still be able to wear it for awhile and not have to wait until next winter! Here I am in the photo wearing it ( sorry about the ugly face though and my swollen lip; I just got back from the dentist and my mouth was numb and frozen) it’s nice and warm and I like it although I could have done with getting a larger size and probably should have got the next size up as it just fits. Once my mammoth boobs are smaller after the surgery it won’t be as tight though,either. The kids call it the coat I “spent a million $$$$$ on.”


Running On Empty.

Empty I always feel like that Jackson Browne song “Running on Empty.” I feel like I’m not even present in my own life. I just go thru the motions but I’m not really living life. I’m just drained and spent emotionally and physically. I’m burned out from life, from parenting,and from homeschooling. I’m overwhelmed and have nothing left to give anymore. I’m all used up. I feel like my life has just used me up and spit me out. I have no energy left, no fuel left, no drive left, no purpose left, no meaning left; I’m just…..deflated. I feel like a balloon with all the air let out that been’s all stretched out. I also had a dream a black woman hated me because I’m white and was racist so I told her to look at the palm of her hands and I showed her mine and said, “See? They both look the same! We’re all the same and there’s no difference underneath and inside!” The 11 YR old asked what caused my high BP too and both my hubby and I replied in unison, “Having KIDS!” and she made banana bread and I’m so hungry on my new pills and it was soooo good it took all my restraint not to gobble down the entire loaf!

Buddy51 As well, a neighbour across the  street gave Buddy 2 new sweaters as her dog got too fat and they don’t fit anymore; one is a raincoat and the other a “Preppie” sweater, seen here, and he looks handsome, like he’s ready to go play golf at the country club, ha, ha! He got out from under the covers during the night to do a stretch too but couldn’t find his way back in as the covers were all twisted up so he kept nudging my arm with his nose for help so I lifted up the blankets for him to burrow back under, and it was so warm yesterday( 7 C) I sat outside for 3 HRS, and he enjoys his longer walks now but HATES puddles and he walks around them and not thru them as he hates getting his feet wet and cold, and we visited Patti as well who gave me some of her home-made Shepherd’s Pie(it was good) and the 17 YR old wore my sheepskin slippers OUTSIDE and I had a shit-fit! I don’t mind if he *borrows* them, but inside, NOT outside or it will get all dirty and ruined!

I also found out my cousin( who’s in his 30’s) has Bell’s Palsy but luckily it’s only temporary and will only last a couple of months, and I saw on the news they arrested a terrorist(and will be deporting) who’d planned to bomb the financial district in downtown Toronto(holy shit!) and that’s where another cousin of mine works as a stockbroker, and the asshat PM forbids devout Muslim women from wearing the niqab (that covers their face with only the eyes visible) while taking the citizenship oath, and makes them remove it, saying it’s a “religion that oppresses women” and they should respect Canadian “values” which is a hypocritical load of horse shit…the so-called “values” in this country are religious discrimination and that you DON’T have the “freedom” to wear what you want. WHY anyone would even WANT to move here( to such a Fascist country) and be a citizen is beyond me.I can’t wait to get OUT of here. I’m in the wrong country.It’s not what people think it is and it can pucker up and smooch my big ol’ white arse.

Go, Remeron, Go!

Remeron I can feel my new pills starting to work already and it’s only been a few days, not quite a week yet! All of a sudden I could feel something “shift”, like a “fog” lifting, like how it was with the Prozac( which I’m still on; I take both the Prozac and the Remeron now) even though they say you won’t notice any difference for a few weeks I notice a change within a few days, maybe because my depression’s so severe or maybe my metabolism is just different? I also have the side-effects of dry mouth and *extreme* hunger though,too, I’m hoping only last 2 weeks or so as I’m ravenous, like when I’m prego but I don’t want to gain all the weight back again( I lost 30 pounds). I’m hungry all the time even after I just ate and I have non-stop hunger pangs and growling stomach it’s like I’m constantly on a diet and it annoys the Hell out of me. I still keep waking up several times during the night though; it doesn’t help me sleep.

Our oldest says it sounds like a Pokemon; Remeron, and “Go, Remeron, go!” and I never thought of it but he’s right; it does, and my doc says my brain does’t make enough seratonin and dopamine as I have a chemical imbalance yet at the same time my life of constant trauma, stress, worry, anxiety, and fear causes my cortisol and adrenaline levels to be at a constantly high level so I’m depressed, suicidal, anxious, panicky, nervous, always on edge, stressed out, wound up, tense, on “auto-pilot”, just going thru the motions, and can never really fully relax, feel safe, secure,calm, or be happy and at ease. I can never really live a full, rich life but rather just slog thru it merely etching out a meager existance just trying to hang on and get thru each day, trying to survive, but never really fully experiencing life or being happy. I hope the medication will balance and even things out so I can.


Buddy50 This is also Buddy with his new( and fave.) toy I got him: a squeaky ball that lights up. He spends HRS playing with it and won’t let anyone go near him when he does and is very protective of it. His friend Chloe( Patti’s dog) has the exact same one and he loves it and every time he goes to visit he always spends all the time playing with her ball so I got him one of his very own and he’s obsessed with it! He loves going for walks once again,now,too it’s getting mild out and now when I say, “Do you want to go for a walk?” he gets excited and runs to the door instead of hiding under the couch,and I’m seeing signs that spring is near as well: snow is melting and dripping, our icicles have melted, puddles, mud, a peek of grass, birds chirping, a guy riding his bike, a motorcycle,road construction, and I even saw a girl wearing SHORTS! No joke!! I can’t wait to get back out in the sun!! Yippee! It’s been a looong winter!!