 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby….Â
…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!
As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and calling me “old” even though I’m 4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?
I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?
The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added to it that I can think of is moving; the new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…
What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!
 Remember Fiona the baby hippo born premature at the Cincinatti Zoo(I don’t know if I spelled that right; I’m never sure how to spell Cincinatti; that’s a hard one; how many “n’s” or “t’s” are in that exactly?) back in January at only 29 pounds, when she should have been around 100 pounds and they didn’t know if she would even live? Well, here we are now, 6 months later, and I’m happy to update you that Fiona is doing very well! She has gained so much weight that she is now over 400 pounds, healthy, strong, caught up weight-wise,and is going to make it! Yay, Fiona! You go, girl!! Isn’t she such a beauty though? Just so precious. I have been following her story ever since, following her on Facebook and even praying for her…..yes, I even pray for animals,too…..anyone got a problem with that? God loves all His creatures, and it says in the Bible that not even one sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing.
 My hubby is in Toronto again this weekend, so I have to walk to church again,and he hasn’t driven me to church or the 22 YR old to jiu-jitsu in over a month now and it seems to me that he’s backing out of family obligations bit by bit; he’s either not here to drive us or he is but he says he’s too busy and doesn’t have the time…..of course when he’s away that also leaves me to deal with the 14 YR old on my own, incl. that she’s still balking trying to get her to eat, refusing what’s served, refusing to even have a snack, and then trying to pass off measly melba toast and cheese as a snack when she needs something with more “bulk” (such as a muffin, ice cream, scone, cookies, etc…) and when I told her that it wasn’t enough, esp. now she’s losing weight she hit me with the French bread baguette! It’s also his job to get her to have her shower and wash her hair as she doesn’t do it if I tell her; she doesn’t do anything I tell her, so the therapist told him that it’s his job to get her to do it, except he’s never here or he forgets to remind her if he is…and of course now he’s not here it won’t get done… I’m left here alone with it all….I can’t deal with all this on my own. I can’t do it all myself.
 Needless to say I have alot of stress in my life with ongoing crisis, and the way my family treats me,etc… so when I need a break, a distraction, a Happy Place to go to, here is a list of the things I like, and like to do, that make me happy, take my mind off things,make me smile, I enjoy, help me relax and chill-out, a temporary escape from all the shit in my life:
 The 14 and 16 YR olds got new bikes, pictured here. Sorry the photo isn’t better; I tried to get it on my iPod but something went wrong and it ended up being a video instead and I didn’t know how to fix it so I just got a photo off the video, so this is what you get. They also got new helmets because they can’t find their old ones and it’s easier to just go out and buy new ones than to look in our messy cluttered house to try and find anything. Hopefully going on bike rides will put a smile back on the 14 YR old’s face. She still continues to be disrespectful to me,too, such as when I asked her at meal time, Who do you want to sit with you? and she snarled, Not you! Now, go away! This is how I get treated and talked to all the time. Also the 16 YR old gave her word she would cut the grass on the weekend( and it really needs it!) and then changed her mind and it never got done so I was mad and she talked back to me in a sassy tone, You can shut-up now, Oldie! You’re soooo annoying! Now bye!” and flounced off when I told her I’ll just give the job to someone else then; I don’t care who does it as long as it gets done. She has such attitude!
 This is also the adorable Jack Russel Terrier puppy that my cousin bought for his son…..and he paid 3000$ for it, too! Isn’t it just the cutest, sweetest little thing though? He was kind to me as well telling me that I am worth loving and that life is worth living and said don’t let anyone tell you different, so not everyone in my family hates me, tears me down,and treats me like shit and makes me feel worthless, just my mother, hubby,and kids, and I pray to God every day that He sends me someone to show me that life is worth living and that I am worth loving. Sometimes it just gets soooo hard to keep holding on though but I find when the suicidal thoughts do come that weed calms me and takes those feelings away temporarily as I float away and escape for a few HRS, but I hope to get away for good, to just walk away and never look back. I need a new life. I can’t just pick up and leave though; it’s not that easy; where would I go? I don’t have any $$$$ and nowhere to go… my hubby says I could just be homeless and live in the street but come on; I do have some standards! I want to get away from this toxic environment but I also want to be safe!
 I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires! It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!
 Everyone was away and gone except for me, Buddy, my mother and the 10 YR old, so I had a nice quiet and peaceful day to just unwind and relax. I also indulged in my weed and I had a complete weed day where I didn’t have to do anything but just take it easy and relax and try and take my mind off all the extreme stress and emotional pressure I’ve been under lately. It’s so intense that my ulcer pain is back again,too, and I’ve lost 10 more pounds, now for a total of 40 pounds, all due to stress exhaustion and worry. As the weed started to hit me I could literally feel the stress just starting to melt away,too, I could feel my muscles just relax and loosen , like this huge weight was just being lifted off, and the tension just rose above me and I could feel myself go all limp and “unwound.” It was exactly what I needed and exactly the kind of day that I desperately needed! I need a vacation away from life too, but I also need $$$!
 The  13 YR old had her first night and day at the hospital and she’s doing ok but they’re not supervising her meals or making sure she gets her snacks as needed for her re-feeding program for her eating disorder like they’re supposed to be and she was complaining that the pillows “feel like balloons” and the toilet paper is only 1 ply, and someone carved the words die onto the bathroom wall.With our family I joke too we should get a family discount at the psych ward! We had a group meeting as well with her and the medical team, incl. the doctor in charge, and she gave me an uneasy feeling and just sort of rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because she was hostile to our homeschooling and implied that the 13 YR old’s  issues, unhappiness, and being suicidal is our fault, based on the fact that she didn’t want to discuss it with my hubby and I there, even though she’s just a private, introverted, reserved person that doesn’t easily open up personal, private matters to people. She’s also giving her a kind of IQ test to see how she’s doing academically and to see if she has any learning disabilities simply because she’s homeschooled(which we took offence to and found insulting) and said it’s not routine procedure, but at least she said she is open to medication(depending on how the assessment goes) although she also said if she’s below a certain weight medications wouldn’t work. We’re going to visit her every day she’s in there which is to be expected to be about a few days but it’s already been a couple of very emotionally and physically exhausting days..
 I’ve noticed when I get out of the bath that I look and feel thinner, like there’s less of me, less flab, less jiggles and rolls, flatter stomach,smaller boobs, narrower hips…..just less so I suspected I might have lost some weight so I weighed myself on the scale, something I haven’t done in awhile as with the 13 YR old and her eating disorder we were told to hide the scale where she won’t have easy access to it as she was obsessively checking her weight several times a week. I did and I was surprised and shocked ( but happy!) to see I’ve lost 20 pounds! I needed to lose weight and can certainly use it but I was surprised as I haven’t even been dieting! I am now a skinny hippo!
 I got a few HRS of relief from anxiety and nausea( that’s been plaguing me for the past week now) after I’d had my weed but the thought occurred to me, is it all caused entirely because of extreme stress, the nausea, the felling faint and like I’m always going to pass out, the lethargy, the sleepiness,the loss of appetite….or might that just be a part of it? Could it also perhaps be caused due to my kidneys failing, just like the test said?
With all the stress I’m under lately my fever blisters , excema,and stomach ulcer pain is back again with our most recent trial, and I always feel so sick and faint with all the stress, anxiety,and worry, and Buddy can sense something’s wrong and he stays close-by me, whimpering, licking my face,and pawing at me, and I don’t have any more strength left to go thru another crisis again; I’m running on empty,and sometimes I think I’m going to die of stress exhaustion.Either that, or a broken heart, and twice  in just over a  2 day period the Kix song Don’t Close Your Eyes came on, as if to encourage me to keep going, to hold on and felt very relevant at just the right time as I feel I am drowning in the overwhelmingness of it all. How much more can I take? I can’t keep going thru this.