10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Fiona Update.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 12.26 PM Remember Fiona the baby hippo born premature at the Cincinatti Zoo(I don’t know if I spelled that right; I’m never sure how to spell Cincinatti; that’s a hard one; how many “n’s” or “t’s” are in that exactly?) back in January at only 29 pounds, when she should have been around 100 pounds and they didn’t know if she would even live? Well, here we are now, 6 months later, and I’m happy to update you that Fiona is doing very well! She has gained so much weight that she is now over 400 pounds, healthy, strong, caught up weight-wise,and is going to make it! Yay, Fiona! You go, girl!! Isn’t she such a beauty though? Just so precious. I have been following her story ever since, following her on Facebook and even praying for her…..yes, I even pray for animals,too…..anyone got a problem with that? God loves all His creatures, and it says in the Bible that not even one sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing.

Fiona is still mainly being bottle fed milk(and she goes thru something crazy like 40 litres a day!) at this stage as hippos aren’t normally weaned until 8 months although she does have some fruits and veggies slowly being introduced into her diet, like how you would with a human baby. She has also been reintroduced under supervision to her biological hippo parents ( she had been hand-raised by zoo caregivers since her premature birth as she needed intensive round-the-clock, one-on-one care,and there was also the fear that her own mother might have rejected her for being a “runt”) and they have integrated well and swim around and frolic together in the community pool, with her mother Bibi acting protectively towards her which is also a good sign. I just love a good story with a happy ending.

So Fiona gained close to 400 pounds over 6 months and I checked my weight and I’ve lost 7 more pounds, now for a total of 49 pounds over 5 months, from the end of February to the end of July, and the best thing is I’m not even trying to lose weight; I’m not even dieting! I couldn’t lose this much weight even if I tried, even on diets I’ve never been able to lose this much, so I don’t question why……I just enjoy it! I call it my Stress Diet. All my “jiggly” parts are either shrunken down much smaller now or have disappeared, incl. flatter stomach, hardly any “bingo wings”,no double-chin, less flabby bits, rolls, “love handles”, “saddle bags”, etc… but the sad thing is though that I’ve also lost my big buffalo butt and I sort of liked my big ass and now it’s sort of flat and looks like it deflated…. maybe that’s why it also hurts alot more now whenever I sit for too long; I haven’t got all the padding there I used to!

I also discovered that looking at sunflowers is even more fascinating after you’ve had weed, and it was really hot( 34 C humidex) but after I’ve had weed for some reason I don’t “feel” the heat as much and am not as “sensitive” to it, so maybe my body temperature cools down or something, making me more “heat resistant”, but it’s the strangest thing, and then after a few hours once it wore off I was back to hot and sweaty again! I guess that’s why it’s so popular in Jamaica and other hot tropical places,too, so you’re not bothered as much by the heat! 🙂

I also got an e-mail from the medical marijuana supplier informing me of a new product and it sounds awesome: cannabis oil chewy gummies! You know, like those vitamins! The form I take it now is an oil taken with a dropper but this sounds like so much fun, like candy for potheads! My mother said kids would think it’s gummie bears and eat them but I’m sure that they have the child-proof lids on the bottle just like my cannabis oil does…duuuhhh….I think that would go without saying since it’s a drug and would be safe-guarded like any other medication…I also think the 14 YR old’s anti-depressant might be starting to work already (they said it takes 2 weeks but I noticed mine starting in just a few days, and my theory is the more severe the depression the sooner you notice the change) and I can just sense something different in her. She seems to have this light, this spark, that wasn’t there before. I mean it used to be there when she was her old self, before the depression and eating disorder took hold of her, but I haven’t seen it in the past 2-3 years…..I think the darkness just might be starting to clear…..oh, I sure hope so….

Happy Distractions.

Screen Shot 07-27-17 at 10.42 AM My hubby is in Toronto again this weekend, so I have to walk to church again,and he hasn’t driven me to church or the 22 YR old to jiu-jitsu in over a month now and it seems to me that he’s backing out of family obligations bit by bit; he’s either not here to drive us or he is but he says he’s too busy and doesn’t have the time…..of course when he’s away that also leaves me to deal with the 14 YR old on my own, incl. that she’s still balking trying to get her to eat, refusing what’s served, refusing to even have a snack, and then trying to pass off measly melba toast and cheese as a snack when she needs something with more “bulk” (such as a muffin, ice cream, scone, cookies, etc…) and when I told her that it wasn’t enough, esp. now she’s losing weight she hit me with the French bread baguette! It’s also his job to get her to have her shower and wash her hair as she doesn’t do it if I tell her; she doesn’t do anything I tell her, so the therapist told him that it’s his job to get her to do it, except he’s never here or he forgets to remind her if he is…and of course now he’s not here it won’t get done… I’m left here alone with it all….I can’t deal with all this on my own. I can’t do it all myself.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 04.40 PM Needless to say I have alot of stress in my life with ongoing crisis, and the way my family treats me,etc… so when I need a break, a distraction, a Happy Place to go to, here is a list of the things I like, and like to do, that make me happy, take my mind off things,make me smile, I enjoy, help me relax and chill-out, a temporary escape from all the shit in my life:

  • Go swimming
  • Hang out with my dog
  • Sit out or lay out in the sun
  •  Read
  • Weed
  • Travel
  • Shop
  • The ocean, beach
  • Sunflowers (see the extreme close-up photo I took?)
  • Hippos
  • Have a nice long bath
  • Watch a movie or a funny TV show
  • Listen to music
  • Church
  • Look at old photos and enjoy the happy memories
  • Try to find joy in the little things each day

New Bikes.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 07.57 AM 002 The 14 and 16 YR olds got new bikes, pictured here. Sorry the photo isn’t better; I tried to get it on my iPod but something went wrong and it ended up being a video instead and I didn’t know how to fix it so I just got a photo off the video, so this is what you get. They also got new helmets because they can’t find their old ones and it’s easier to just go out and buy new ones than to look in our messy cluttered house to try and find anything. Hopefully going on bike rides will put a smile back on the 14 YR old’s face. She still continues to be disrespectful to me,too, such as when I asked her at meal time, Who do you want to sit with you? and she snarled, Not you! Now, go away! This is how I get treated and talked to all the time. Also the 16 YR old gave her word she would cut the grass on the weekend( and it really needs it!) and then changed her mind and it never got done so I was mad and she talked back to me in a sassy tone, You can shut-up now, Oldie! You’re soooo annoying! Now bye!” and flounced off when I told her I’ll just give the job to someone else then; I don’t care who does it as long as it gets done. She has such attitude!

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 08.28 AM This is also the adorable Jack Russel Terrier puppy that my cousin bought for his son…..and he paid 3000$ for it, too! Isn’t it just the cutest, sweetest little thing though? He was kind to me as well telling me that I am worth loving and that life is worth living and said don’t let anyone tell you different, so not everyone in my family hates me, tears me down,and treats me like shit and makes me feel worthless, just my mother, hubby,and kids, and I pray to God every day that He sends me someone to show me that life is worth living and that I am  worth loving. Sometimes it just gets soooo hard to keep holding on though but I find when the suicidal thoughts do come that weed calms me and takes those feelings away temporarily as I float away and escape for a few HRS, but I hope to get away for good, to just walk away and never look back. I need a new life. I can’t just pick up and leave though; it’s not that easy; where would I go? I don’t have any $$$$ and nowhere to go… my hubby says I could just be homeless and live in the street but come on; I do have some standards! I want to get away from this toxic environment but I also want to be safe!

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 07.57 AM 001

This is also our funny new pool floatie: it’s a pizza! They also had beachballs with pizza but they were 20$ so we just bought a beachball for 99 cents because we’re cheap like that, and the pool water turned the 14 YR old’s hair green, and the 16 YR old almost accidently drowned Buddy as well; she threw him in the pool and he stopped swimming and started to go under and I had to grab him by the neck ( the only thing I could reach) and pull him out. The poor dog was just so scared. My hubby also went back to Toronto for the weekend(so guess who had to walk to church again?) and he brought back the second-oldest who’s staying visiting for a few days she has off work.

My mother also got a 45 $ bill for the ambulance, and I wonder if because it wasn’t really an emergency and wonder if it was, like for a heart attack, stroke, shooting, stabbing, car accident, etc.. if they’d still charge you for it or not, and the taxi would have only been 7$ or so…..see, I told her she should have taken a taxi….and now she has to find 45$ somewhere to pay it, a cousin in Europe said he had an earthquake there, and while out walking Buddy I felt like I was going to faint too and I really didn’t think I was going to make it and was afraid I was going to pass out before I got home but I made it ok. The stress in my life is killing me. I also got my fave. priest in church yesterday so I went to Confession so if I die now I’ll go to Heaven as I’m in a state of grace, and he said I’m not unlovable or worthless like my family thinks and makes me feel either because God created me and put me on this Earth for a purpose.(and I know He loves me even if no one else does) I just wish I knew what it was.

I’m Outta Here, Suckers!

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 06.05 PM I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires!  It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!

One of the last things the 10 YR old also said to me was, Shut up you ugly mother, you and your dying dog! and that’s exactly the thing I have to get away from, and why I need a vacation and have to “recharge”. I lost my Mojo and have to get my groove back. In the fantasy book I’m writing in my head the character, after yet another failed suicide attempt, a bereft middle-age woman who is miserably unhappy, goes to a secluded Cuban paradise to find solace and solitude  also ends up finding romance where she meets her soulmate, a noble European, and she goes back with him to Europe ,starting a new life, finding happiness and love at long last, and never looks back….but in reality, in actual life, it’ll play out more like this, and all I’ll really do is spend all week at the beach, being One with the ocean, finding peace and getting away from it all for awhile(,with possibly the most “daring” thing I might do is have actual rum in a pina colada or something) only to return once again when the week is over to my unhappy, unfulfilling, stressful, pathetic life.

See you in a week! Hasta la vista! Adios, amigos!!

My Compleat Day.

Screen Shot 05-06-17 at 08.25 AM 001 Everyone was away and gone except for me, Buddy, my mother and the 10 YR old, so I had a nice quiet and peaceful day to just unwind and relax. I also indulged in my weed and I had a complete weed day where I didn’t have to do anything but just take it easy and relax and try and take my mind off all the extreme stress and emotional pressure I’ve been under lately. It’s so intense that my ulcer pain is back again,too, and I’ve lost 10 more pounds, now for a total of  40 pounds, all due to stress exhaustion and worry. As the weed started to hit me I could literally feel the stress just starting to melt away,too, I could feel my muscles just relax and loosen , like this huge weight was just being lifted off, and the tension just rose above me and I could feel myself go all limp and “unwound.” It was exactly what I needed and exactly the kind of day that I desperately needed! I need a vacation away from life too, but I also need $$$!

We also got as much rain in just 2 days as we normally get in an entire month and it’s still not done yet,either, and the 15 YR old’s cheerleading squad came in first in their division in the competition as well and the 22 YR old came fourth out of 50 competitors, so they both did well, and my hubby said I’m childish and immature too when he’s the one who listens to Fred Penner songs and wears super hero and comic book character T-shirts and he thinks I’m the one that needs to grow up? At least I listen to real music!

Patti also told me she thinks it’s my neighbour D that probably left me the Dachshund figurine as she’s known for anonymously leaving surprise little gifts and treats for her neighbours and she’s left her stuff,too when she used to live next door to her, and we are friendly; we talk all the time and take our dogs on walks together, so it could be her, but it’s nice whoever it was, and the 13 YR old phones us every day and the other day when she called the 17 YR old she was confused and didn’t know who it was as it has to go thru the hospital switchboard and they said, This is KGH calling…. and she goes, Who? Who is this? I think she thought it was the KGB or something, and at least with the 13 YR old calling us daily( and she asks when we’re coming to visit her) she must miss us and hopefully also realize that we love her and miss her,too! Maybe she even wants to come back home?

The 13 YR old also said they brought in a therapy dog and it was a cute little poodle puppy and when I asked if it was a Toy poodle she goes, No, it was real…. but I meant Toy breed, as in a miniature, as opposed to a Standard poodle, which is much bigger! I wonder as well if some really traumatic event might have happened to her that made her so broken so young,too, such as maybe even being raped(maybe at Cadet camp or something?) or she’s being abused or something, or maybe even struggling with her sexual orientation and maybe she thinks she’s gay and is afraid we’ll disown her or something, which we wouldn’t; nothing would ever change the way I feel about her and I’ll love her no matter what, but it really does make me wonder though if she’s had some sort of trauma that she’s never told anyone about and just kept bottled up inside all this time, left to fester , hiding all that pain all on her own, and that’s what’s causing her eating disorder, self-harm and being suicidal…..esp. since she disclosed it’s been occurring  since she was 10…..

First Night And Day.

Screen Shot 05-03-17 at 08.10 AM The  13 YR old had her first night and day at the hospital and she’s doing ok but they’re not supervising her meals or making sure she gets her snacks as needed for her re-feeding program for her eating disorder like they’re supposed to be and she was complaining that the pillows “feel like balloons” and the toilet paper is only 1 ply, and someone carved the words die onto the bathroom wall.With our family I joke too we should get a family discount at the psych ward! We had a group meeting as well with her and the medical team, incl. the doctor in charge, and she gave me an uneasy feeling and just sort of rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because she was hostile to our homeschooling and implied that the 13 YR old’s  issues, unhappiness, and being suicidal is our fault, based on the fact that she didn’t want to discuss it with my hubby and I there, even though she’s just a private, introverted, reserved person that doesn’t easily open up personal, private matters to people. She’s also giving her a kind of IQ test to see how she’s doing academically and to see if she has any learning disabilities simply because she’s homeschooled(which we took offence to and found insulting) and said it’s not routine procedure, but at least she said she is open to medication(depending on how the assessment goes) although she also said if she’s below a certain weight medications wouldn’t work. We’re going to visit her every day she’s in there which is to be expected to be about a few days but it’s already been a couple of very emotionally and physically exhausting days..

I also found a stash of pills hidden in her room, and my hubby had the nerve to say that we can send the 13 YR old to public school if she “needs to socialize more” even though she said she doesn’t even want to go, and there are other ways and groups she can go to to socialize other than public school where she’ll be eaten alive and bullied(like I was) and it’ll only make things even worse; it’ll be like throwing her to the wolves as they can sense anyone who’s different, fragile, weak, or vulnerable in any way and they pounce on them and tear them apart; she’s way too vulnerable to survive the hostile social environment of public school and I told him he might as well just hand her the noose to hang herself, it would be the same thing! The he had the nerve to say I don’t know what I’m talking about……ummmmm,excuse me? I was the one that was bullied mercilessly for years in school and that’s what caused my depression and self-esteem issues in the first place! I know exactly what it’s like to be different and to try and survive in that world and it’s only gotten worse since then, with bullying and violence in schools, not better! He can be such an asshole!

I’m barely holding on myself with all the stress as well and yet I’m still expected to stay strong for her and everyone else and it puts an unfair amount of pressure on me because I’m only human,too, and can only take so much before I break, and the eating disorder and self-injury was hard enough but now with the suicide attempts and more plans for suicide this is just too much and I’m at my breaking point now and don’t know how long I can go on before  crash and burn,and already I can feel the effects; I have diarrhrea and I’m not sleeping well and I feel like I’m always walking around in a “fog” and like I’m on auto-pilot…how much more can I possibly take? I’m a wreck but all I have to do is make sure I get up one more time than I get knocked down….