Reprieve.

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I think this must be my new favourite food…..only there’s nothing left by the time I thought to take a photo because it’s so good I just gobbled it up so quickly there was nothing left! It’s the yummy spicy mashed potatoes that the 23 YR old invented and whips up. He also does these really good and hot and spicy “glass” noodles. I didn’t know it at first (and found out the hard way, several hours later, when my lactose intolerance  and IBS loudly declared itself in the form of stomach pain and abdomenal cramps) but he puts lots of butter and milk in, and then adds lots of spices.  I asked him for the recipe but he says he doesn’t really have one; he just sort of makes it up as he goes along, and he doesn’t measure,either; he just puts in a pinch of this spice and a pinch of that. The end result is always so good though, like the sort of thing you’d have at a high-end restaurant, like at a French place where you’d have those fancy stuffed potatoes or something.

I also have a sort of “reprieve” on possibly having to move( which I don’t want to do, it’s always such a hassle, plus I’m settled here and this is my home and I don’t want to move) as well as the other day my mother declared, Well, at this point if we’re even going to move it won’t be until at least the spring now; no one wants to move over the winter! (Last time we did move in winter but it wasn’t by choice; we had to flee and it just happened to be in winter)So it looks like we’ll be having Christmas still here afterall then and I’m “safe” at least for a few more months I can relax and not have to worry about it. My hubby is also selling all his remote control toys( cars, motorcycles, other electronic gadgets that I’ve bought him as gifts over the decades for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day,etc.) online, saying he’s downsizing, getting ready to move, and de-clutter but to me it’s “fishy” as giving away or selling your personal pocessions and things can be an indication that you’re planning on committing suicide,too, so I asked him and he just gave me this incredulous look and a  condescending look of disdain and like he thinks I’m the dumbest person on Earth like he always does whenever I say, ask, or do anything he thinks is “dumb’ and he said it wasn’t, but who knows, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of anything I gave him, and that reminds him of me, and of us, esp. since we’ve moved something like 3 times before and he’s always taken all his stuff with him, incl. all his “Man Toys” so it just made me wonder.

My mother also was yelling at poor Buddy and body shamed him for farting ( even though it’s just a body function and we all do it!) saying it reeked and made him feel so ashamed, so guilty, so badly, and he thought he was being bad and in trouble, that he hid under the couch and was sulking, the poor old dog! I felt so badly for him and I had to coax him out. One of my friends said the next time she farts I should yell at her and my friend T (in Ottawa) said overall with the nasty way she treats me and interferes with my raising and disciplining my kids that I should send her to a home.  😀  I accidently gave Buddy my hubby’s left-over food as well; he’d left some ground beef on a plate on the table after he’d eaten and just left it there, indicating he was finished but didn’t clean up his plate or put it away and so I figured he was finished and I didn’t want it to get thrown out( because we can’t afford to waste food) so I gave it to the dog….and then later on he comes back and goes, Where’s my food? and I’m like, Uh….uh,oh…You don’t mean the plate you left on the diningroom table, do you? and when he said it was I told him, Well…..there’s still some left if you want it…..I  thought you were done and gave it to the dog….it’s on the floor….   ha,ha…

On Sunday my hubby wasn’t here either to drive me to church and it was really raining and I had to walk in the rain and I got soaked( and no, I don’t have an umbrella) and I was wearing this gauze blouse and skirt from India with bright black and red colours on a tan background on it and the black dye ran in the rain and it ran all down my legs and had this really gross musty smell, sort of like a damp basement, and later this month my oldest turns 29 as well and I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since I spread my legs and launched him into this world(and then that I still shat 10 more others out of my womb after,too!)! It just seems like not too long ago that he was just a baby, and when I was prego with him, and now it makes me feel really old.

Failure.

Screenshot_1105 This is my one last, lone surviving sunflower. The poor thing is dying. The leaves are less green and getting yellow and wilted now. Maybe it doesn’t get enough sun, I don’t know. It figures. I fail at trying to grow sunflowers too just like I fail at everything. I’m just a failure in life. I can’t think of one thing that I’ve tried that I’ve gotten right or succeeded at and haven’t failed at. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s big things(like raising kids) or small things( like trying to grow sunflowers) no matter what it is I always seem to find a way to f*ck it up. You can only imagine how that makes me feel, how each failure chips away at my already non-existant self-esteem, how it breaks me down continously and tears me down until there’s nothing left. Why can’t I ever do anything right? Why can’t anything ever just work out for me?

I went to Confession in church yesterday and the priest told me that other people in the parish actually admire me and wish they were me but they don’t know what my life’s really like, how badly my family treats me, how much I suffer,my struggles,my brokenness and trauma, how much I hate myself and my life and want to die, all the suicide attempts, how dark my life is,how desperate I am to escape my existance, and it just floored me; I mean, who would ever want to be meI don’t even want to be me! He knows the truth, the real me and what I really live with and says he prays for me every day. If only they knew what my life’s really like and how desperately unhappy I am and how I pray to God each night begging Him to take me, and how lonely I am for human love , for human contact, for human affection, to have someone hold me at night and tell me that everything’s going to be ok and that they love me but instead I just count the days waiting to die.This is what my life’s been reduced to.

I also saw The Rich Lady there yesterday in church too and she was a vision in white; she looked so beautiful. I wish I was confident and elegant like her. It makes me wonder as well what her life is like, what it’s really like and not just what I see, what it appears to be on Sundays, with her so perfectly put together, dressed so sophisticated and stylish, so elegant-looking; I wonder if she too, like me, secretly hides a hidden pain, a secret darkness in her life,too, a hidden pain no one knows about?Does she perhaps too suffer a painful existance that can’t be seen from the outside? Or, maybe she really is a person who has it all put together. Happy people actually do exist and so do good marriages and loving families. Just not for me. You never really know what people’s lives are like,though,  what secrets, darkness, and pain they carry, what burdens and sorrows they endure behind closed doors.That’s why I’m never really too shocked to hear about a suicide. get it.More than you’ll ever know.

Screenshot_1104 The damn mice also bit this huge hole right thru our sofa made of Italian leather, ruining it, taking stuffing out to build their nests and for all we know they might even have a nest somewhere inside the sofa itself,too. I just wish for once that something good would happen. I’m just so sick of all this shit, all this bad luck, everything always going wrong, so many set-backs ,expenses, disappointments, unmet expectations, problems, financial issues, stresses, issues,second-rate crap,crisis, etc. I keep waiting for my miracle, my break, but it never comes…..

Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.39 PM 001 Walking to church on Sundays I always walk by these sunflowers in a garden so this time I decided to take photos of them. I love sunflowers so much. They’re just so cheerful, so happy, so sunny!   I’ve even had dreams I’m in Heaven running thru a wide open field of sunflowers.If you look closely you can even see a bee inside it, too! I wanted to plant sunflowers in my garden this YR too but I could never find any at any of the places that sold seedlings and young plants so I’m wondering if maybe the people here just grew their own, like planting a sunflower seed themselves right in the soil and going from there?  Maybe I’ll have to try that next YR, only start early planting the seed indoors in the beginning and then transplanting into the soil outdoors in late May…Some asshole stole one of our flowers from our garden at the front,too, they scooped it clean out in a clean, perfect scoop and took it right out of the garden. If it was an animal digging it up it wouldn’t have been so clean, so smooth,and so precise, and with no evidence of the flower left behind. I’m nicer; I didn’t steal the sunflowers I admire, I just took photos of them.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.38 PM 001 As well, the 16 YR old’s hamster died! She only had it for a month, but a couple of days ago the 10 YR old barged into her room yelling and really scared it, so much it kept squealing forever and hasn’t been the same since….and now it died. I think it must have had a heart-attack and he literally scared it to death. Small rodents like that are very skittish and high-strung and get scared and anxious very easily and don’t handle stress, loud noises and fright well. The 14 YR old was the first one to notice as when she went in to see it, it wasn’t moving so she suspected it but they’re scared to touch dead things so they had me come up to confirm it….so I picked it up and the poor little thing was curled up in the corner of the cage, eyes half-open, cold, stiff,and hard…..most definitely dead and it had been for some time, my guess is it died sometime during the night. It was just so sad. So they buried it in the backyard in a Girl Guides cookie box ( I had to put it in there along with bedding and toys, as no one else wanted to touch the dead thing) and gave it a nice little hamster funeral incl. a stone on top of the grave so the raccoons don’t dig it up and eat it, a grave marker with a name, an artificial flower, and a cross made out of popsicle sticks. I just hope it didn’t have some kind of animal disease or something that dogs can catch and that Buddy will get it and die now,too….

We also have drug dealers  as neighbours at the house at the corner: in a span of 30 minutes at least 8-10 cars would pull up to their house and they’d go inside for less than 5 minutes each and then leave…..so what would you think? What’s ironic is that the house next door to them used to be drug dealers too until the people moved out, and they even used to leave their Christmas lights on all YR and turn them on as a sign to their customers that they were home and open for business!

The 14 YR old likes to make fun of a TV show I watch as well, Born This Way, a docu-series about adults with Down Syndrome but I just consider where it comes from, a person that watches that stupid America’s Got Talent, a lame-o talent show, and they’re always putting down and insulting my TV shows and all interests and things I like, and I realize that you can’t make someone like you or treat you right, all you can do is try and make an effort and do your best but then know when it’s time to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. I know the way they constantly degrade, belittle, ridicule, criticize, blame, bully, insult, and berate me is emotional abuse, and it feels just like it did with the bullies in school that tormented me and made my life hell….only now it’s my own family doing it which is even worse.

I get the impression that God, for some reason, wants me to hold on, to stay alive, to keep fighting the fight,not to kill myself, as hard as it is to keep holding on sometimes, I can only take so much and it’s so tempting to just let go…. and that in time, a twist of fate will occur where I eventually will get a fresh start, start over, and find happiness and love at last, and when I prayed for a sign what He wants me to do, the Howard Jones song, Things Can Only Get Better randomly came on my iPod! How freaky is that? If He wants me to hold on He’s going to have to give me the strength I need though, and hope as well, so I know it will eventually end and I will find a way out of this toxic environment , and live a life worth living where I’m not always so wound-up with anxiety, nerves, stress, brokenness, dread, worry, misery, hurt, heartbreak,and weariness that I’m always trembling and shaking and a bundle of nerves, constantly on edge.

My Mother’s Day.

Screen Shot 05-13-17 at 10.34 PM 001Look at this awesome hippo painting the 17 YR old painted for me for Mother’s Day! (she’s a talented painter and writer) I just completely love  it! I’ve been having trouble finding hippo paintings so she did one for me! That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me! It now hangs proudly in my room, above my bed, next to Jesus. The 15 YR old observed, She forgot the top teeth! but no matter, I love it, and I can just pretend it either lost it’s teeth in a fight with another hippo ( 2 males battling for dominance) or it’s a young calf and it’s teeth haven’t all come in yet,like Fiona.

 

Screen Shot 05-14-17 at 07.38 PM From my hubby I also got these cool purple Converse hi-tops to add to my collection. Usually I’m lucky if I even get a card, and none of the kids either gave me or made me a card and none of them even bothered to even say Happy Mother’s Day, either, but they were away for most of the day so I ended up having a nice quiet break and relaxing day.We also had KFC for dinner as neither my mother or I wanted to cook on Mother’s Day. I asked the 14 YR old for my Mother’s Day gift if she’d let me hug her and she refused and recoiled in horror. I just wish she’d let me love her. I’m not even allowed to look at her, touch her, or even speak to her, and everything I say or do annoys her anyway so I might as well just do what I want whether she likes it or not and to that she threatens, Then I’ll get revenge on you! I just wish I could get thru to her. I wish we could get our old connection and closeness back but she keeps pushing me further and further away no matter how much I try.Truth be told, she’s really horrible to me and it just breaks my heart….I wish she wasn’t so mean, and that I wasn’t always on the receiving end of it.

As well, we had this bad thunderstorm yesterday and church had no power so we had Mass basically in the dark but they did put a few extra candles for a bit of light, and I confessed my suicide attempts too and it was the grumpy old fart but he was surprisingly sympathetic, and for the past week I’m still groggy, spacey,and in a “fog”, I suppose the drugs still in my system, and I asked God for a sign if I’m going to die this year, or maybe even this month (since most people in our family do die in May) that I hear both Stairway To Heaven and Hallelujah yesterday…..and I heard Stairway To Heaven twice; once on the radio and once on my iPod, and then in church one of the hymns was Hallelujah! I couldn’t believe it, and I bet if I die the people at church would actually miss me more than my own family will, even though they don’t even really know me, they see me there every Sunday, I’m like a regular fixture there, part of the weekly routine they get used to seeing and then when I’m not there it’ll seem like something’s missing,and I see them as my church family and spiritual brothers and sisters, but my own family will be glad to be rid of me and will be happy to see me go…..

I remember at the last session with the social worker too when I mentioned how everyone always betrays me and she dismisses and downplays it by saying, What you see as betrayal may not be what I see as betrayal…..uh, excuse me, but I’ll give you one example, and I think that anyone would agree with me that it’s most definitely betrayal: I’d told my hubby my biggest, darkest secret( that I was molested by a relative as a kid for 8 years) a secret I’d never told anyone before that, not even my mother, and make him swear he’d never tell anyone, except he did; he told his sister in an effort to destroy me; she’d kidnapped one of my kids because she only had boys and wanted a girl so she took mine and he helped her and told her my secret so she could use it in court as “ammunition” against me. Fortunately it didn’t work, but that was a HUGE betrayal, and that’s just one example…and now he wonders why I don’t trust him….

 

Last Night.

Screen Shot 05-10-17 at 09.04 AM I tried once again to end it last night. But it didn’t work.Yet again. I had fully resolved that was it and I was going to finally end my miserable life where my family hates and mistreats me, where my kids hate and rebuff me,where I’m always blamed for everything, where I’m always being pushed away,treated like the villian,left out,ridiculed, dismissed, ignored, or just generally treated like shit. It’s also just soooooo overwhelming now with the eating disorders with two of the kids now, plus the 19 YR old’s mental illness as well and his previous suicide attempts,and that topped off with all the traumas of my past( too many to list them all here and others too personal) that hold on tight with an iron grip and refuse to let go, bringing with them their own damaged baggage, it’s all just too much. I simply have run out of gas. I have no more resources left. I am a broken vessel. My ship has taken on too much water and I’m sinking.

My family has torn me to pieces like wolves, and my life has shredded any hope of any improvement in the future at any point, and with the kids’ issues and our crazy family it’s just too much and I’ve had enough and have reached my breaking point. There’s nothing left of me anymore. Sadly for me though, I can’t even kill myself properly; I took a whack-load of left-over opiates from surgery and even crushed them up for full maximum effect…..laid down in bed with Buddy cuddling next to me, listened to music, said my prayers, closed my eyes to go to sleep and prepared to wake up on the other side…..but NOTHING! Boy, what I ever mad when I still woke up in the morning and I was still here. I have nothing to live for(besides Buddy) : no one loves me, I’m unloved, unwanted, rejected, unimportant, don’t matter, am a failure at everything I do, ridiculed, useless, etc.and I was really mad to wake up and find out that I wasn’t dead, and said to myself, F*ck! I’m still here? God, why didn’t you take me?

I believe that you don’t die until it’s your time, and my several suicide attempts prove that theory, and they weren’t “watered-down” or half-ass attempts or just a cry for help not really wanting to die either,I took alot of pills, and the right ones,too, as last night, for example, I never told anyone my plan; I just silently went about my business and did it, I knew which pills to take and how many, and I hid the pill bottle,too; it just didn’t work, just like nothing ever works for me! I can’t even kill myself properly I’m such a loser!  So then,, what plan does God have still left for me and my life then, since He refuses to take me now and it’s not my time and I only survived it( and without any side-effects,either!) by the Grace of God.

So where am I going now?

The Painting.

Screen Shot 05-02-17 at 04.54 PM I got it! I got to check out the sunflower painting on the way to the clinic (I just convinced my hubby to leave earlier) and they had big ones and a small one the difference that the big one had more sunflowers and the small one has only one,and the big ones cost more, 80$-200$, and the small one was more reasonably priced at 40$, so guess which one I got? 😀 I’d say it’s around 10X10 inches which is still a good enough size, esp. later once I frame it, and it now hangs in my bedroom so I can get up every morning and see a sunflower first thing as soon as I wake up, and go to sleep every night seeing it last thing before I go to bed, and  dreaming of sunflowers.

Now for the not-so-good….the awful, horrible, BAD, actually, (and now we know what tragedy is to befall us May this YR!) at the 13 YR old’s app’t at the eating disorders clinic she disclosed to the therapist that she’s planning on committing suicide 15 May and she has it all planned out and she’s tried it before too by hanging and pills! So they had her admitted to the psych ward of the hospital for a few days for “observation”, and it’s an answer to my prayer,actually; I’m relieved that they’re finally taking it seriously; I’ve been pleading with them for weeks to get her on medication for her depression and telling them that I was concerned she was suicidal and now they finally believe me, and I’m glad she’s where she needs to be to get help and to get better,and where she’s safe from herself.

I was thinking though, I think she does want to get better and wants help since she did tell the therapist her plan of suicide when she didn’t have to say anything but just quietly go and do it, so it’s like a call for help, and I know God will see her and us thru it, just like He always has thru all our trials and traumas, and He will also give me strength to endure as I have to be strong for her, even when I feel like I’m falling apart myself, yet I can only take so much; how long until I completely crack myself? I can only take so much stress, worry, and heartache…. How can I be strong for others when I ‘m falling apart myself?

As well, in less than 2 weeks the 22 YR old goes to California for 2 months to visit his GF and he’s so excited and can hardly wait, and with him away I won’t have to lock my computer,either, as he won’t be here to sabotage it, and no one has to hide their food so he won’t eat it, and for the 15 YR old’s upcoming 16th birthday she’s renting the local highschool gym for her party and a dance and having something like 40 guests, sometimes I feel like God is “calling” us to move to Kingston,too, which would be practical with all the medical appt’s there, and I realized as well that I haven’t changed, but the real me has finally just started emerging after being suppressed all these years!

 

Hesitation.

screen-shot-01-02-17-at-08-18-am I came close to killing myself last night, tired, weary, and just beaten down from all of my toxic family’s constant emotional abuse, exclusion, belittling, hate, blame, criticism, and overall treating me like dirt that I just can’t take it any more and I just gave up, and as I was at my lowest point I was sitting there on the edge of my bed, with the pills in my hand, all set to go ahead and do  it, just sitting there, thinking, praying, contemplating, waiting……trying to gather up all my courage, reassuring myself that soon it will all be over  and they won’t have me around to kick around anymore; that this is my only way out and all I have to do is lay down, close my eyes, snuggle up next to Buddy, and go to sleep , and I will finally be free……and I will have that same  unfettered, glorious feeling of total freedom like I felt on the last day of highschool, just like a huge weight has been lifted off, “I’m free! never have to go back!”…..

But then I hesitated……

Right at that critical moment Buddy came out from under the covers and came up to me, nudging and nuzzling me and kept licking my face over and over, sensing something was wrong, it was like he was feeling my hurt and my pain and imploring me not to do it, telling me that he  loves me even if no one else does, and I held him and just buried my face into his soft warm fur and cried, and for what seemed like forever he stayed there and just let me hold him and cry into his neck, and in that moment of hesitation it was also impressed upon my heart the words:

Something wonderful is about to happen.

I don’t know if that’s actually true or not, or if I’m just deluding myself, but if it is,  I wonder what it could be? Am I going to die soon and be seeing Heaven shortly? Am I finally going to find love and be happy?Do I actually have some hope? I don’t see my toxic family changing any time soon and treating me any nicer, and I don’t see how I can move out and survive on my own, either, but I do know that The Holy Spirit made me hesitate for a reason and put my plans on hold when I did fully intend to go ahead with it. Interrupting my plans did make me feel like a quitter and a “chicken” but there will always be another time, another opportunity, it’s just a matter of waiting and putting off the inevitable as far as I see it, and I turn 50 tomorrow ,too, so if I am  actually going to die before then I have to die sometime today, unless, of course, I’ve been wrong about it my entire life, or maybe I got it mixed up and I’m actually going to die in my 50th year which could be any time this YR…….whenever it is, it won’t be soon enough for me!!