The Riddle.

riddle My friend F (from grade 6) sent me this riddle the other night and of course it confused the hell out of me as I can’t do math and I can’t do riddles or puzzles. So then he decided to try posting it up on his Facebook to see if anyone else could figure it out and no one else could either(so I didn’t feel so dumb) and it turned out that only his own daughter(who is now in her first year taking engineering at the University of Toronto) was able to correctly solve it. He himself is also good at stuff like this because he’s an accountant and really smart, plus, he’s Chinese, and well, let’s face it, they just seem to naturally be smart at math.I, however, am the opposite, and I’m convinced that I must be missing the part of my brain that does math although my MRI results have never officially mentioned anything.

For fun I had my hubby(who is really smart as well as a nerd) and the genius 11 YR old( who’s in highschool) try it, thinking for sure they’ll be able to do it, but surprisingly even they couldn’t; it even stumped them and they got the answer wrong and then they spent like forever picking it apart, every single little detail, trying to figure out where they went wrong, trying to figure it out, once I showed them the answer and how to achieve it. My hubby kept complaining how it was stupid and dumb, etc. but that was only because he couldn’t figure it out and got it wrong and got stumped. He’s really arrogant like that; he usually gets everything right with little or no effort, so when he can’t figure something out he just can’t believe it, and he gets all huffy and indignant, whereas with me I’m used to it and, in fact, I’m surprised if I actually end up getting an answer right!

In case you wanted to try, here is the answer:

lol, give up?? .. red shoe =5 guy = 5 cone = 5 look closing on the last guy. he is wearing a pair of red shoes and holding 2 cones =1 red shoe + (1 guy + 2 red shoes + 2 cones) × 1 cone = 5+(5+(5×2)+(2×2))×2 =5+(5+10+4)×2 =5+(19)×2 =5+38 =43 final

Screenshot_1054 My poor sunflower is also dying. All the leaves are now brown, shrivelled up, dry, and crispy. As you can see it finally has the bud  but we’ve hardly had much sun lately even though I do leave it in the window in the diningroom where we get the most sunlight( it’s too cold to put it outside anymore, and we’re supposed to get 10-15 cm snow today and tomorrow too….boo…) and it’s also the room(as well as the livingroom) that has 8-10 feet ceiling, big enough for it, I’m thinking it’ll die before the bud ever has a chance to open, to blossom, to bloom; all for nothing.It got so close,almost there, and then dies just before it can open. Just like me. Dying before I ever got a chance to blossom, to shine, to achieve anything, to succeed, to be beautiful, to be happy, to find love,to have my moment in the sun,to live. I’ve always played by the rules, tried to do the right thing, tried to be a good person,been obedient to God, but all for nothing. Where has it gotten me? If this doesn’t sum up my life I don’t know what does.

I also heard somewhere that heart attacks the majority happen between 6 am and Noon so it got me thinking if that’s the way I’m going to die( which is entirely possible given my family history and my high BP and my grandmother died in her early 50’s of a heart attack) it’ll most likely be in the morning, and I take Buddy out for 2 (out of 4 daily) of his walks before Noon so the chances are that I might even have a heart attack during one of our walks(talk about embarrassing, dropping and laying sprawled out there in the middle of the street like that!)is high, and now every day during that time period I wonder if it’ll be the day it might happen and so I wait….and wait….and nothing….and then once Noon comes and goes without anything I think to myself, Well, I guess today’s not going to be the day then; or at least not by a heart attack, anyway….

Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

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The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

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I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

When I Die.

Screenshot_470 Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?  colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally feels like a suction, like my insides are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing  the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than Wal-Mart  or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

hippos8

3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die there, in my fave. spot, my Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

BigJoint

5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old “take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even true or not or if they’re just mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive Mother-Heart that never stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.

 

Angry.

Screenshot_469 This is what the scrape on my knee looks like from when I fell up the stairs. Angry, nasty-looking thing, huh?I think it must be getting infected( despite cleaning and disinfecting it and keep ing a Band-Aid over it several times a day) as it looks angry, red, and oozing, and it hurts quite alot actually, esp. considering it’s just a scrape, but it’s actually very sore and quite tender, even not having to touch it,and when I turn in bed at night or when my pants even just rub against it, it really hurts. It looks like a a few good layers got torn off. With my virus or whatever reason I’m so run-down tired lately as well it feels like I’m fading away and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled.When I sit down it also feels like I’m sitting on something,too and it hurts a bit, almost like there’s something inside, pressing on either my tail-bone or arse….it’s so weird….maybe that’s why my lower back hurts so much lately? I wonder if I might even have a prolapsed uterus or something?

In Mass yesterday as well I felt like I might pass out a couple of times, and as  people were talking around me I could hear the voices swirling around in my head like I do just before I faint and it was a  close one and  as I stood in line for Communion I literally had to talk myself into keeping it together as well when I could feel a panic attack rising. I had to keep repeating over and over in my head, Just keep walking, just keep following the lady in front of you. No one can tell. Just breathe. I had to keep talking myself thru it. There was this one old guy too that kept staring at me I presume because of my hair and I felt like going up to him and saying Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare; that it’s rude?

It was also a freezing 5 C when I got up and for Buddy’s walk he had to wear a sweater and I had to wear a knit hat, esp. with hardly any hair, and my hubby was spying at my computer  again and he goes, Oh, you’re going to Jamaica? as I had vacation info up on my screen, and I told him, No, I wish, but I can still dream!  I told the 11 YR old as well Americans are nice people, they just have a shitty President,  and he said, What about all the shootings? and I told him, Those are the bad ones, and there’s bad people everywhere you go; the good ones are the ones trying to get rid of the guns!

Screenshot_471 I also noticed that the stalk of one of my sunflowers in the vase on the coffee table was bent and it was falling over; my guess is that one of kids was fooling around and broke it, and it was starting to die and it can no longer absorb water, so I just cut it and all the others down shorter and now it looks like this (seen in the photo here) which turned out nice, so instead of getting me mad which was probably their likely intention, it worked out nice, so ha, ha! The lyrics in that song from The Cure also remind me of my BFF: You make me feel young again, you make you feel whole again, you make you feel fun again, you make me feel home again .Whenever she and I get together it makes me feel like we’re kids again, just like old times, when I was the Old Me, the one that was happy, the one that I lost and wish I could get back again.

My mother also walked into the rec-room and spying all the boxes packed and piled up on the shelves she asked, What’s all this? and I told her how my hubby’s so sure that we’re moving, he’s got it in his head and convinced himself that we are so he’s packing stuff already, but we’ll never be able to de-clutter,anyway; in our house clutter is LIFE, even though we likely won’t because we can’t afford it and it seems now even the 15 YR old has regisned herself to that fact and even said as much the other day, woefully admitting, We’ll probably never move….yup, probably not.

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All packed and nowhere to go.