God’s Beauty.


Yesterday walking home from church I once again attempted to take more photos of the sunflower garden nearby and this time I got lots of photos for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome. I wish I could grow sunflowers like that. I wonder what their secret is?






This one is also a neighbour across the street’s flowers. I’m not sure which type they are but they’re so pretty. The flowers grow on a kind of a bush  or vine of some sort and appear to have a Hollyhock or similar to a Petunia or Orchid look. It was so hot again as well I went swimming and my eyes were burning and stinging and my nose running and throat scratchy so something must be in the water and next door kept blaring annoying redneck country music as well as I was trying to enjoy a nice swim but luckily being 9 feet underwater I couldn’t hear it!

I also think something’s still in the house ,too, some sort of wild animal, whatever was here before must have come back in as Buddy wasn’t feeling well and didn’t eat his food and it was left out overnight and most of it was gone in the morning so something ate it and then later on as I was sitting here typing away I quickly saw out of the corner of my eye something black dart past about the same size as Buddy although it was black and I know it wasn’t him as he’s red and he was sitting right beside me curled up in a rocking chair. We’re going to set a big rat trap tonight with bait and set it up in the kitchen where the dog food normally is and we’ll see if we catch anything….

We found out as well Buddy’s new fave. food is now steak (it used to be pepperoni) and so he has refined taste, esp. for a guy that likes to lick his ass and balls, and I think I might have a blood clot in my left leg at the side just near my knee too; it’s a huge bulging bruised vein and it’s hot, hard, itchy and sore but I never injured it in any way so I’ll just keep an eye on it as they can break free and travel to heart, lungs or brain and cause embolisms and strokes. My mother still has her pain as well and she’s constipated too so maybe it has something to do with that? Maybe she’s just all plugged up with a log-jam?

My hubby and some of the kids were also having a conversation about something and I tried to join in, trying to show interest and be included and part of the group, but he coldly shut me down, dismissed me and pushed me out, snarling, You’re interrupting! You’re not part of this! We weren’t talking to you! very condescending and unwelcoming and it always goes like this whenever I try to include myself and be a part of anything I just always get shot down and pushed away. I hate my toxic family and our crazy, noisy, disordered, chaotic, dysfunctional , disorganzied, messy lifestyle.

I also was thinking about my hallucinations and they seem so real, like they’re really happening, and sometimes it’s things I see, other times things I hear, and sometimes both. Sometimes I’m just observing but other times I’m interactive. Some of them are just so bizarre that even at the time I know it can’t be real as my rational mind calculates, There’s no way this can possibly be real! This must be a hallucination! such as the time I thought I saw a giraffe in our backyard and a hippo in the tree,  but other times aren’t so obvious and I can’t tell if it’s my imagination or if it really is real, but just unusual, like the other day when I saw 2 guys riding a double bike wearing diapers and polka-dotted baby bonnets and loudly honking a horn as they rode past( it could have been real and isn’t entirely impossible; maybe it was a dare or someone lost a bet, or they were drunk and did something outrageous, or perhaps it was someone’s batchelor party or it was some sort of initiation or something) and when I saw the 2 teen girls with identical ponytails and wearing the same black outfit walking by; that could be real.Or seeing a SmartCar go down our street. Not a common thing here, yet it’s possible, so with things like that I really have a hard time being able to tell if it’s real or if I’m just seeing things…and the same thing about Patti: did she really come by….or not? It’s really frustrating trying to navigate thru life not being able to tell what’s real and what’s not; between what really happened and what I imagined.

Swim Day.

Screenshot_10 It’s so oppressively hot out yesterday and today it feels like 40 C with the humidex, so it was a perfect day for swimming. The water was actually warm but when I went under my eyes started burning  and when I came out I noticed I had a red rash and hives all over my arms, legs and tops of feet. Oh, just great. My nose was also running and I was sneezing so there must be something in the water so we put more “shock” (liquid chlorine) in. I just hope it’s not some kind of bacteria and that I don’t end up with an infection of some sort; nose, throat, eyes, etc. I hosed off when I came out and took a Benadryl and it went away.

Normally when someone swims there’s an adult supervising, generally me since neither my mother or hubby can swim, but whenever I go in swimming it’s usually by myself and no one ever bothers to check in on me to make sure that I’m ok; even though I’m a strong swimmer I could still hit my head, or have a medical issue or something and go under and drown and no one would ever know or even care.I enjoy the privacy,solitude, and freedom  having the pool to myself (and I prefer to be alone) but the fact that no one cares enough to be my swim buddy, or sit out with me to make sure I’m ok or to at least poke their head out every now and then to check I’m not floating face-down or laying motionless sunk down to the bottom is upsetting.


Walking home from church yesterday I also took this photo of sunflowers growing in a garden I pass by along the way. They have so many of them, dozens, in their garden every year. I wish I knew how they do it. I can’t even successfully grow one sunflower. I’m such a flop. I tried to take more photos as well but the dumb iPod was screwing up and it ended up recording a video instead of taking photos and I didn’t know how to get it back.As a car drove past as I was walking along someone also stuck their head out the window and called out to me( as I was the only one on the sidewalk) Hey! I love your skirt! I was wearing a multi-colour long silk skirt.

Picture Day.


Here are my hubby and some of the kids at the Anime North convention in Toronto over the weekend in their home-made cosplay costumes. The only one I recognize is my hubby as Bowser from the Mario Bros. games series and I have absolutely no idea who any of the others are supposed to be or where they’re even from but they look good, whatever they’re supposed to be. I had a nice quiet break with most people gone all weekend as well and didn’t have to always rush, check the time, prepare food, plan what I had to do next and when, etc. I could just chill out. I could have a nice long bath and I even got hot water,too!

Today is also one of the kids’ birthdays; she’s 19, and I have the unfortunate combination of both abdomenal pain from my IBS and cramps from Aunt Flow,too,and it’s so bad that I break out into a sweat and feel nauseated from the pain, and my latest weed order arrived in the mail as well and my renewed license came with it as well for my medical prescription, only I almost didn’t see it hidden in the side of the box and almost threw it out! I always wondered too if the mail carrier knows what’s in that unmarked parcel; if they ever have any idea whatsoever that it’s actually really and truly legal marijuana?

SwampPool2018 The pool guys also came and opened it for the season and at first it looked green and murky, like Shrek’s swamp but then after circulating a few hours and with all the chemicals in it quickly started to clear up, and faster than usual; normally it takes weeks, if not a month, maybe even longer, to get it blue, or even blue-ish(instead of green) but this time it’s clearing up really well and really fast. I’m grateful for small miracles.I also noticed we’d had low water pressure(like for having a bath) and it ran out slowly for the past 3 days too and wondered why and then my hubby discovered the hose had been left on and running for 3 days, very most probably likely by me, and I hate myself for being so dumb and forgetful(I’ve also been known to leave on the stove or forget to dis-arm the security system and then open the door) too; it makes me feel like such a fop, and now my stupidity is going to cost us alot of $$$$$ (we don’t have) as well when the water bill comes in!

Pool2018 Here’s how it looks now, and my mother complained it still looks green, but not compared to how it first was before,and you can see for yourself by comparing the 2 photos. I think it actually looks pretty good, esp. considering what it usually looks like and how long it normally takes to get it looking like this. Now we just have to wait for the freezing cold water to warm up and it needs to be vacuumed too as there’s lots of sludge and debris settled on the bottom after the winter(even though it was covered) but I just remembered that our pool vacuum broke at the end of last summer…..oh, shit….and my mother and hubby say this is the “last” time we’ll open the pool but they always say that every year, although if we do end up having to move then it actually might be, and  funny as well, when the pool guys were here Buddy and I were out back as well, on the porch swing in the yard and Khia’s My Neck, My Back came blaring thru on my iPod, and, in case you didn’t know, it’s a really, really raunchy song and I was just hoping that they couldn’t hear it….HA! I wonder what they’d think? Not exactly something they’d expect coming out of a middle-aged woman’s song selection! 😀


It was my cousins'(seen here) 24th wedding anniversary yesterday as well but they’ve been a couple actually for 29 years and now have 2 kids, aged 14 and 16. They’re coming up to visit us in July actually, and all their Canadian relatives. They’ll be in this country for 9 days (not very long coming all that way from Europe) and visiting us for a day. We’re going to have a pool party and BBQ! I just hope it doesn’t rain that day but with our luck it probably will. I also think it’s kind of unusual that I have this Facebook friend who’s Black and she’s also a vegan(like the 16 YR old) and it seems to me that it’s just more of a crazy white people thing; you know, the kind of thing that Black people shake their heads at and laugh at; Crazy Things White People Do, and I still do wonder if my hubby maybe really is poisoning me too as my genetic diagnosis still doesn’t explain the seizures  or the fainting, just the liver, gastric, and breathing issues, plus poisoning would also cause liver, kidney and gastric issues as well plus my debilitating fatigue and   increasing forgetfulness.

End Of Summer.

Screen Shot 08-28-17 at 10.29 AM Finally! Our pool water is now finally nice and blue at long last, but it took all summer, and we really were only able to swim in July when it was hot and haven’t used the pool at all this month as it was either too cold or raining(we’ve had waaay too much rain this summer!!)…..and now it gets closed up for winter just after Labour Day, so we didn’t really get much use out of it this summer but at least it doesn’t look (or smell!) like a green swamp anymore! I can’t believe summer’s almost over,either, and I also refuse to accept it. I am greedily holding on to these last days of summer as desperately as I can, squeezing every last little bit I can out of them, although if I’m lucky and the weather holds out ( although it is cooling down already, 9 C in the mornings now but still gets up to 23 C later) I can still be outside until the end of October….

How do I know it’s the end of summer? Leaves are already starting to change colour on the trees and fall off, it’s getting cooler, it’s dark now at 6 am in the morning and it used to be sunny and now it gets dark earlier at night(between 8pm and 8:30) when it used to be light until 9 pm. Plus, the Ex ends on Labour Day which is next week and I didn’t even realize at first( and all the schools here go back the day after Labour Day) and I kept hearing on the radio about the upcoming long weekend this weekend and I couldn’t figure out which holiday it was….and then it occurred to me: Oh, my God! It’s Labour Day already? So soon It’s not fair that summer only lasts a couple of months but winter is half the year. For our school this year we’ll have another one leaving for school, so that’ll be two of them in post-secondary, and for our homeschooling year this year the 14 YR old starts grade 9 (highschool!) the 16 YR old grade 11 and the 10 YR old grade 8 because he’s a little genius and skipped a few grades. He got new glasses too and now not only is he a little genius now he even looks like one,too! I still can’t find any of the kids’ social studies, science, or bible workbooks either so I’m convinced that they  either hid them all at the end of last year or threw them out because I looked everywhere and can’t find them anywhere…

As well, I heard the 18 YR old’s former friend, the one I called Klepto because she stole from us, is now 6 months pregnant and she’s only 17 and she had an abortion a couple of years ago too and for the sole reason: because she didn’t know who the father was. So she basically killed her baby just because she’s a big slut. She let this one live at least because she knows who the father is and she dropped out of highschool a couple of years ago as well. I can’t say that I’m surprised or didn’t see it coming. Our black walnut tree has also been marked for death by the hydro crews; they came by and spray painted it indicating they will be cutting it down as it gets in the way of the power lines so the poor tree won’t be allowed to blossom,afterall….

I also had a dream that someone named Elias taught me to love, but I don’t know who he is or where I’ll end up meeting him; here or on the other side, and I had another dream too our oldest has a girlfriend he’s going to ask to marry him…..but I also had a dream that I’m going to die today,too, so….you never know…. The 22 YR old needs a haircut as well but ever since he got a 200$ haircut in California he won’t let me cut his hair anymore like I used to(it’s like I’m a lowly peasant now that isn’t good enough to cut his precious locks) but there’s nowhere here to get a 200$ haircut,and even if there was we still can’t afford it,anyway. A 12$ cut at First Choice Haircutters is all he’s going to get if he doesn’t want me to do it….The 14 YR old’s also on sewing her third cosplay costume for Fan Expo as she’s such a perfectionist she kept finding faults with the other 2 she made and kept starting over, distorted thinking seeing flaws where there really were none, too hard on herself, and they go in 3 days….she’s just like my hubby, so picky….

Also: the most impossible thing to try to do after you’ve had weed is trying to swat a wasp! It’s hard enough anyway as it is normally esp. since they fly in a zig-zag pattern and you swing with the fly-swatter and usually miss, but after weed your perception, spatial awareness, co-ordination and reflexes aren’t so good and you’re left swinging away wildly almost always in the opposite direction of where the wasp actually is and you look like a crazed conductor conducting an orchestra, and several people are speculating the extreme flooding in Texas may be somehow “connected” to the recent solar eclipse and  have Biblical significance in regards to Armageddon, the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, Jesus’ return, the end of the world, doomsday, whatever you want to call it, a sign of the Last Days and End Times, esp. with the Bible warning of unusual , severe, and increasing weather patterns and natural disasters in that period, fulfilling the prophecy…..it does make you wonder though, but what did poor Texas do to “deserve” it; what have they ever done in particular to be singled-out for such a chastisement? Or does it maybe just start with them? Perhaps this is only the beginning?

I can see USA as a whole being punished(along with many other countries for their sins against God, incl. this one), but what is it about Texas in particular; what’s the significance of that? They’re no worse than anyone else. Is it just that it’s their largest state?( or at least I think it is….don’t they say everything’s bigger in Texas?….) My friend in Houston said she was allowed to go back to her house to get a few things and everything’s all underwater and the smell is just awful from the fetid dirty water  I imagine must reek like sewage, and they lost everything,(water is very destructive and then there’s the mold,too) and she was most upset losing her make-up and not being able to initially grab her grandmother’s ashes, those poor people, yet another friend in Fort Worth said despite the heavy rain she was still showing clients around ( she’s a realestate agent) so I guess they weren’t too hard hit in her area. Why let a little thing like a hurricane stop you?


Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.48 PM This is some of the 22 YR old extensive Dungeons & Dragons figurines. He got alot of them in California and he meticulously hand-paints them( they are originally just black) and adds fine details on them, painstaking work that I know I wouldn’t have the patience or the eyesight to do. He spends hours sitting at his workshop working on them.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM 002 This is his workshop which he has set up in the play room. He really is quite the creative artist and I think he could sell them and make lots of $$$$ but he said that would take the fun out of it, and besides, he couldn’t part with his creations that he made so lovingly.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM He also made the “grass” seen here. Originally it was a faux fur material the girls had to make vests and it was various shades of brown but he painted it with various shades of green and it turned out really well to become a savannah or grassy plains, or prairie, or whatever venue his battlefield calls for.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.43 PM 001 This is my fave: the trees! He also made these trees all by hand! The one of the left reminds me of bonsai tree. I think these are just amazing and he definitely has artistic talent ( like most of the kids do in one way or another; creative, by painting, drawing, music, writing, etc..) I also went swimming in my green pool, just like a hippo; they swim in green water, and despite all the vacuuming and chemicals we keep dumping into it I think it’s just something that we’ll have to learn to live with, green water. I’m the only one that will swim in it though, the kids are too ‘scared” but I know it’s clean with all the chemicals in it.

The 14 YR old also lost 4 pounds in a week, a major set-back that is concerning, likely due to being away at camp for 2 weeks where we weren’t able to monitor her eating, and just when she was almost at her ideal weight after 5 months in treatment….and now she’s back to going back every week! I just hope she’s not back to vomiting up her food again, or that being weaned off her meds isn’t allowing the eating disorder to take hold of her again. Just when we think she’s making progress….now this… I try to reach out to her as well but she always keeps pushing me away and sometimes I think she’s unreachable and beyond the point of no return, and it feels like I’ve lost her forever….. it breaks my heart.

My mother, the 22 YR old,and I also went to the Chinese buffet for her belated birthday dinner. I like it better at lunch though as the selection is better as they have more noodles and dumplings that I like which they don’t have at dinner, they have more meat dishes at dinner. Plus, my hubby took forever to pick us up and we were waiting for 45 minutes after we’d already finished eating for him to come pick us up and then after that we still had to drive all around while he did his errands and we were so late and so tired, it was exhausting and we were gone 4 HRS and we just wanted to go home. He always does that though; keeps us waiting for unreasonable times and doesn’t care if we’re tired or want to go home; it’s just only ever about his schedule and what he wants and it doesn’t occur to him what other people want or that they might have plans too or want to get right back, and he snarks that I ” don’t have anything to do anyway” so it doesn’t matter, he’s really quite inconsiderate.

First Swim.

Screen Shot 07-12-17 at 06.18 PM  I went for my first swim in the pool this summer. It was also the first swim anyone’s done in our pool so far this season,and the water was freezing cold! At first I could only wade in gradually, up to my waist in the shallow end, to get used to it, and then after about 30 minutes I finally gathered up the courage to plunge under water. It was really cold but I soon got used to it. The water still isn’t clear or blue, but with all the chemicals in it I know it’s clean so I had no trouble swimming in it, and besides, I’ve swam in much worse; it’s called Lake Ontario! It was really a yellow/green colour at the bottom, and the deeper you went down, and the bottom was all slimy and slippery but I just pretended I was at the lake. We got more jugs of the “shock” liquid chlorine that we keep dumping into the pool in an effort to get it nice and clear and blue. I didn’t go off the diving board yet though as I was afraid if I went that far down ( 9 feet) that my face might freeze off because the water temperature gets colder the deeper down you go!

As well, the 18 YR old had a day off work at camp and she’s local this YR so she came over, and she had to get her hair cut as it was “too long” by Cadets staff standards, even put back in a ponytail or bun, she had to have 3 inches cut off so now the length is down to her boobs instead of to her waist. I also had a dream I looked out the window and saw a tornado and exclaimed, Holy shit! Is that it? as well as another dream I was riding this beautiful horse that was a silver/white colour with piercing blue eyes.

I also woke up with a headache which lasted all day yesterday and had achy ears and feel dizzy (and this was before I went in the pool so it’s not an ear infection from the green water and it was also before I had my weed; Weednesday) so it must be some sort of virus going around, like which is what they told my mother at the hospital and she probably has, and now after a few days on her Tamiflu she’s feeling better, despite being convinced she was going to die, but I think it’s more just generalized worry at her age every time  she gets sick she’s like, ok, is this it? Could this be the time I die?

The Pool Guys.

screen-shot-09-07-16-at-09-51-am The pool guys came and closed up the pool for fall/winter.  This YR we had them come from a different pool company and not the usual half-assed one from town here that doesn’t seem to know what they’re doing and never knew how to get rid of our algae/green water. Here is the pump they used to drain the water down lower as in winter when it freezes it expands and if you don’t allow room for expansion it will crack the pool, plus when the rain goes in thru the cover and later when the snow melts it fills up and we need somewhere for the extra water to go.

screen-shot-09-07-16-at-09-51-am-001 Here is how much lower they drained it, to just below the skimmer line. They also flushed out the lines  and vacuumed out the water jets, something the other place never did when they closed up the pool for the season.They took out the jets and plugged up the holes, removed the ladders, and baskets from the skimmers, and poured a bunch of winterizing chemicals in as well.They also turned the filter to winterize mode and shut the pump off.

screen-shot-09-07-16-at-09-52-am Then they put the cover on….and here it is, all covered up, nice and snug for the winter. I think it somehow looks even bigger with the cover on, even though it is 20×40 feet so it’s a big pool anyway. It’s so sad seeing it like this, all covered up and abandoned. It’s still hot,too: 29 C with a humidex of 39 C but we only keep it only for July and August as it just costs so  much $$$ to run it between the electricity to run the pump 24 HRS a day to keep the water circulating( and our last hydro bill was 700$!) the water, and all the chemicals! The water’s gotten much colder now, too, down from 85 F to only 70 F and with school back the kids just don’t have the time to swim now, anyway.

As well, the 9 YR old’s school lessons take 5-6 HRS a day, which he described as “torturous”, and Buddy keeps on humping my leg; I swear that dog needs to get laid so badly, I should see if I can find him a dog sex toy somewhere!