The Moment I Knew.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 02.36 PM I was reading this article that asked divorced women when was the defining moment when they knew that their marriage was over and then I thought about it, even though I know it’s been over now for a long time, and that we just don’t get along, have nothing in common, can barely even tolerate eachother, can never agree, have completely different upbringings, interests, skills, and personalities, there’s no love or physical attraction there, only hostility, rancor, regret, irritation, anger, and frustration,bullying and emotional abuse, and I realized that the defining moment I knew beyond a doubt was actually two obvious examples: one time when the thought occurred to me that he hasn’t touched me in years so he must be getting it somewhere as no guy is going to go years without it, so then the realization hit me that he must be having an affair…..but I didn’t even care. I didn’t get upset, hurt, angry, or jealous, I actually didn’t care. I even thought it as a possible way out for me, as an escape for me if he’s found someone else, and I found myself getting excited at the possibility. The other one was whenever he goes away such as into Toronto for the day for work, or at some tournament for the weekend or whatever I don’t miss him,and, in fact, I’m glad when he’s gone and happy when he goes away and he’s not here,and I get sad when he comes back, so I would think that’s pretty telling.

We’ve also started a new family therapy at the 14 YR old’s eating disorders clinic called DBT, or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and it’s weekly session with us and her for something like 6 months and the therapists agreed that the way my hubby and kids treat me( always putting me down, berating, belitting, mocking, insulting, goading,and name-calling) is emotional abuse and bullying and that it has to stop and that no one is to insult or put down anyone else or their interests,and we have to try and practice a state of mind called mindfulness where we have to try and stay and focus on the moment, in the present, and not be thinking about the past or ahead to the future, but to stay right in the moment and to not be too emotional or impulsive and to try and manage feelings like anger and frustration in better ways and re-word things such as instead of saying things like, You’re such a jerk! You always do that! You always say that! You  never listen! We have to state from our own point of view and focus on how the other person’s action make us feel instead, such as, I felt hurt when you said that. It makes me feel sad when you do that. Which I already do, but it makes no difference, my family knows how it makes me feel when they pick on me; they know the way they treat me hurts me, they just don’t care. That’s why they do it, because they want to hurt me.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 02.44 PM I also saw this which my hubby saw as well and he proudly announced, Hey, that’s me! which it actually is; it sounds just like him, plus he also always only ever thinks about himself first, is cold,emotionless, and unsympathetic, cruel, vengeful, vindictive,thinks he can just walk in and take over and act like he’s King and Boss….shit….maybe he really is a narcissistic sociopath? At the session he also tried to excuse and justify treating me the way he does just because I don’t like the same things him and the kids do, such as Anime and the vulgar TV show Family Guy and mad I don’t let the kids do Hallowe’en( due to it’s occult nature) but everyone’s not the same or has the same opinions or interests and that’s ok, and I don’t care if they like or watch anime, for example; I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, it’s not a moral issue, it’s just not my thing,and why should I have to be expected to pretend to like something I don’t or to have to change or be forced to like, watch, do, or feign interest in something I don’t like? He thinks I don’t belong or want to be part of the family because I don’t share the same interests. I’m just an individual. I’m allowed to like what I like.

As for Family Guy I just think that show’s totally inappropriate, and crass, and not a good influence on the kids and I don’t think they should be watching it and with Satan’s Day  it doesn’t feel right on my Christian conscience to take part in it or to allow my kids to engage in something unholy. Then he says I don’t want to be part of the family so he dismisses me and figures take a hike! (his words) when in actual fact they push me out with the way they mistreat me; why would I want to stay in a family that always treats me like shit and make me feel unwelcome ,excluded,and unwanted? Apparantly I’m not even “allowed” to like my own music or style, I’m expected to have to conform and like what they do instead and if not then I’m not welcome in this family. My family makes me feel so unworthy and like I don’t deserve love.

Back To School!

Screen Shot 09-05-17 at 07.43 AM Yesterday was back to school, except for the 14 YR old who started her first day ( of highschool! She’s in grade 9 now!) today because she had her weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday. Now we still have 3 kids homeschooling and 2 away at post-secondary, one in her 3rd YR of university, and one starting her first YR. As for the homeschooling, we have one in grade 9, one in grade 11,and one in grade 8. The first day went ok although we weren’t organized or ready; my hubby still hadn’t installed the highschool curriculum(which he ended up doing at the last minute) on the computers ahead of time and we still haven’t been able to find some of the curriculum or an answer book but they did what they could. The 18 YR old’s first day went well too and she even won tickets to her fave. band from some contest. They still have Frosh Week too like they did when I went there only I never participated in any of that as it’s a sort of meet-and-greet get-to-know you social interaction sort of thing and I’m not big on social events or on any of that “school spirit” stuff, which I always thought was dumb; I just go there to learn and then I come right home. I never did any of the after-school activities or joined any of the clubs,either; I couldn’t wait to get out of there every day!

I can still very vividly remember the fear, anxiety, worry,stress, and nervousness on the first day of school every year as well; it was so bad for me that I was actually sick to my stomach and I threw up. It was just brutal, just awful. My anxiety was just thru the roof. I could just feel the collective anxiety and nerves yesterday as well as all the kids headed back and so I said a prayer for them,and I still remember all the worries of a student well: Will I have a lab partner for science? Will I have someone to eat lunch with? Will I find a gym partner? What if I forget my locker combo? Will the bullies and bitches be in any of my classes this year? Will I get any of the mean teachers? Will I get lost or end up late trying to find my classes? Will any of my friends be in any of my classes? What if I don’t know anyone in my class? Luckily for my kids being homeschooled they don’t have any of these fears and they know what to expect every year so it takes alot of the pressure and worry off so they can just concentrate solely on their lessons.

As well, the 14 YR old entered an art contest and she won Second place, and on the way to the clinic I saw a car rolled over in a ditch by the side of the highway and it was upside-down on it’s roof(probably distracted driving like my hubby always does!!!!), and the therapist asked my hubby now that he’s stepped up and told the kids to treat me with more respect and they have which makes me feel better, how does that make him feel and he just shrugged, Indifferent, and they looked like they were taken aback by his cold reply, as it was so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and he said(talking about me) that the kids Still avoid me to avoid drama…sort of like how  try to avoid the lot of them to avoid conflict, too, and she said that the kids seeing us always fighting and in conflict is harmful to their development, etc… but in all reality though what family doesn’t argue, fight, have conflict, or discord though? No one is perfect, and everyone is dysfunctional in one way or another,and we all have issues and conflicts,and skeletons in our closet; it’s just human relationships,it’s just life.

The therapist also asked if we’re communicating any better with eachother, but the truth is that we hardly even see eachother, let alone talk to eachother; we just try to stay out of eachother’s way,and we each have our own separate lives and separate interests, and other than regarding the kids, rarely intersect. We’re sort of like room-mates that share living quarters but maintain our own separate spaces and lives and come and go separately and rarely inter-act or cross paths. I also try to use humour and joke around to try and relate to, connect with, and break down barriers with my kids but all they ever do is tell me to shut up, go away, or that I’m not funny,and my hubby rolls his eyes or face-palms in a dismissive way every time I try as well, and I pray that one day…one day….someone will come into my life that likes and appreciates my twisted sense of humour and finds it endearing….because it’s a part of me…..and will find it wildly entertaining, or at least half-way funny and amusing, or in any case at least not always be annoyed and put-off by it and insult it….

My abdomenal pain is also increasingly getting worse: now I’m having it constantly all day and the pain is generalized in the entire abdomenal region below my belly-button but is worse on the right side….I wonder what it is? My guess would be either kidney or liver failure, appendix, or some sort of tumour/ cancer lurking somewhere…..I see the internal medicine specialist this week though so we’ll see what he has to say…. a friend told me not to wait and to go to the ER but I only go if it gets so bad that I can’t stand up; then I know it’s something serious….there has to be something causing it though… well as my drastic 50 pound weight loss, persistant cough, extreme fatigue, seizures, fluid retention, etc… it’s a real mystery….

The Coach.

Screen Shot 08-09-17 at 08.44 AM This week the 16 YR old was to be coaching cheerleading to kids ages 4-10 but she could only take 2 days and then she quit. She said it was awful and it reminds her of why she doesn’t like kids. She says they’re annoying and bratty (but isn’t that just the way kids usually are?) although I don’t know if they actually were being little brats or not (since I wasn’t there and didn’t see) or whether they were simply just being kids. Kids, for instance, naturally are loud, boisterous, talk alot, fidgety, can’t keep still, sit for long or pay attention for too long, and have short attention spans. Needless to say, she’s one of the kids that’s decided she doesn’t want kids of her own , seeing how much trouble they (her and her siblings) were growing up and all the trouble they gave me, not wanting to go thru all that shit herself!

As well, the 10 YR old’s at Bible camp, and I had this really bad headache yesterday too that was sooo bad that nothing got rid of it; not even Tylenol, not even weed; it wasn’t a migraine though, it felt different, more like maybe a bad sinus headache or like when my BP shoots up really high, that sort of headache feeling. Buddy could sense it as well and knew something was wrong and I wasn’t feeling well ( I would place the pain level at a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale) and he was very agitated, and kept pawing at me and whimpering and barking, like he was either trying to warn me, keep me roused and conscious, or revive me….

I also decided about the 14 YR old’s family therapy and how I always feel attacked, blamed and how it’s destructive to me , demoralizing and bringing the suicidal feelings back again, instead of not going at all anymore what I decided I’ll do(after much prayer and contemplation and revelation) is commit myself to one more session, to give it a try and if it gets too overwhelming  or I’m blamed or feel attacked then I’ll just get up and walk out of the room and go sit in the waiting room , leaving them in there to finish without me. If it’s not healthy for me I shouldn’t have to subject myself to something that’s harmful to my mental well-being, destructive to me, and detrimental to my well-being. I doubt it’ll go too well or last for long though as the therapist and I clash and I don’t think I can work with her, esp. now that there’s this “wall” of hostility, mistrust, and suspicion between us. I’ll try 1 more and see how it goes, with the option of just walking out.

I asked the 14 YR old if she even wants me to go to the therapy sessions, or if she even cares if I go or not, or would she mind if I stopped going, and she said, You should be there which may(…..or may not) mean she wants me to be there, that it’ll be helpful to her recovery, in which case puts me in a bad place as I’m then expected to be forced to endure this therapy, which for me is a form of torture, of mental breakdown and anguish, week after week after week, until it just obliterates me completely, taking away what little is left of me, when my natural instinct when I feel threatened or under attack is Run! and to get away from the source of harm, not to keep torturing myself with it over and over every week. I feel I’m expected to give up my own well-being, endanger my own mental health and be stripped of any sense of self at all, just obliterate who I am, but if I must sacrifice myself  in order for her to fully recover then I will, even if it kills me. Her recovery is what matters most,and I’m a lost cause, anyway…

It’s “funny” too how even strangers on the Internet are kinder to me than my own family?  I never could get over that. Other than my dog, no one cares whether or not I live or die.

Validation…Then Blame.

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 03.05 PM First of all at the clinic it went well: the 14 YR old’s back to putting weight on again ( and over her temporary setback it would seem) instead of losing it, and the NP said that the medication is helping and she even increased the dose from 10 mg up to 20 mg, admitting that  I was right all along! I knew she needed the anti-depressant! She can tell she’s starting to feel better as well, and she’s more bubbly now,too, and more “playful”.

Now the bad part, the same as the past 3 weeks….. the new social worker said once again during the family therapy session how I’m not able to bond with my kids, have “attachment issues”am “avoidant”, the kids don’t “feel secure”, insinuating I’m a bad mother, neglectful, and blaming me for the 14 YR old’s eating disorder, etc, that I didn’t bond or “attach” well with her as a baby,etc…. which is a load of shit, esp. since I was the closest to her of all the kids when she was younger, and I swear, as God is my witness, I’ve been an excellent mother to her, and loved her more than anything and was the closest to her….yet it still wasn’t enough…..she still ended up messed-up and they still blame me and say it’s my fault anyway? I just can’t “win” either way, no matter what I do. (I think it’s likely genetic and she simply inherited mental illness.)

Then the therapist has the nerve to ask me why I’m “defensive” (which I didn’t even realize that I was; it was just an instinctual survival mechanism and automatic response to attack) to her and everything that she was saying, even though she made me always feel under attack, and made me cry,too, and she scolded me and talked down to me like I was a misbehaving dog, and I felt she was being dismissive and always taking my hubby’s side, and he kept praising himself as this great involved father and said that the kids see my mother at the mother figure and not me; it’s like not only have I been pushed out, I’ve also been replaced, and he complained that I “didn’t used to be like this” ( not going out and do things, being less social, so withdrawn and broken,etc..) but that was also before I was beaten down and broken by all of the traumas in my life,too; it was before any of that had happened, so of course I wasn’t like this before! The therapist also criticized me saying it’s not good for the 14 YR old to see her mother and therapist arguing…..oh, but it’s ok for her to see her therapist tear down her mother every week? She warned it’s only going to get worse as well….. I can’t keep doing this. This is taking a heavy toll on me. A price I can’t afford to pay….

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 07.16 PM  I prayed to God for strength and direction, as being blamed and made to feel like shit for the past 3 weeks in a row has beaten me down even more, and the suicidal feelings are back again. Then I saw this inspirational saying show up on my Facebook feed. It ironically came from a poster called, “God”. Whaddya know. It came at just the right time and right when I needed it most.  I just hope it’s true. All this therapy crap has done is rub it in what a shitty person I am, how useless and hated I am for having Asperger’s and bipolar and how it ruins all my relationships and makes me a shitty mother, reminding me of what a failure I am at everything in life, how I can’t do anything right, and how I’m always hated and blamed for being me even though I can’t help it, and I struggle with it every single day, and all I ever get my entire life is criticism  and blame and for once I just want someone to show me some compassion  and kindness.

I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore though, attending the family therapy sessions, I mean. It’s harmful to me emotionally and mentally and is pushing me to the edge, and making me feel badly about myself. it’s too much stress. It wrecks my nerves. I am supportive of the 14 YR old and her recovery,and I’ve been going to her app’t’s weekly for the past 6 months, but I can’t keep doing this to myself; I’m an emotional wreck after, just shattered, feeling bullied and ganged-up on, and what if they’re right? What if I am the problem? I certainly don’t mean to be, want to be, or purposely try to be, and if I am the problem  and if I am responsible for her brokenness that would be too heavy a burden to bear, too heavy a load to carry, and the guilt would just be too overwhelming to live with,and it would be best for everyone if I was just removed from the equation. No one wants me around anyway, and if I’m the problem everyone would all be better off with me gone.

I just want to disappear and fly away. I’m just so defeated, so broken. I’m no “use” to anyone anyone; just a problem, a burden.If everything really is my fault and I am the problem  then why should I even bother? Why keep trying? At this point I don’t even want to be a part of this family anymore, they’ve pushed me so far away and beaten me down so much, I just want out.

Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.



The Chair.

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I love this chair. It’s in one of the therapist’s offices at the eating disorders clinic we take the 14 YR old to. I just shrieked with joy when I saw it and quickly claimed it as my spot for the session. It brings back so many happy nostalgic memories of my childhood in the 70’s. This one’s either bamboo or wicker and the social worker said it was a gift from her husband and that he got it at Pier One Imports which makes sense since they’re known for their wicker furniture. The one I remember from my childhood that I liked to used to curl up in and fall asleep in was also round like this although I think it might have been plastic though although I can’t be sure, and the cushion was a bright orange, either velour or velvet, I can’t remember. I also remember my colourful bean-bag chairs as well that I had and loved. I don’t currently have room in my bedroom now, but I did make a mental note that if we do move again( and my hubby and mother are talking about it and thinking about it) I will buy myself another chair like this for my room, like I had all those years ago and loved. Awww….sweet memories…..

As well, my hubby got the new Google Home device( it links up with other electronics such as your phone, TV, etc.) and adds items to your shopping list, gives you information, turns on the TV and even puts specific stuff for you, gives you weather,plays games, etc. and he’s just like a kid with a new toy. He always has to have all the newest and latest electronics and tech gadgets as soon as they come out! Me, not so much. They’re too complicated for me and they just frustrate me. I don’t even have a cell phone. All I have are the computer and the iPod. The pool guys also can’t come back until next week to fix the pool and the green murky swamp really reeks and stinks like a sewer but my hubby tried(at my suggestion) and he was able to get the pump started so at least now the water’s circulating which should help and when they come back they can put the necessary chemicals in and get the ladder and railing put up. They estimated it’ll take 15 big jugs of “shock” ( liquid chlorine) as well as all the other usual opening chemicals to get it clean, clear, and blue again!

$$$$$$$$$$$….. money pit… pit…

The 18 YR old also went to her BFF’s graduation last night and today she left on the train to see her BF again and is going to be spending the long Canada Day weekend with him and going to the festivities at Parliament Hill in Ottawa which worries me as with the big 150th celebration I’m worried it might be targeted for a terrorist attack, with something like half a million people there, and they tend to go for large groups, like that concert and the soccer stadium….. also he’ll be teaching at the same Cadets camp as her as well(which is where they first met,too, at Cadets camp) so they’ll be together all summer,too, which I think is so romantic and sweet and even when she goes off to school to Ottawa in the fall he lives in a town not too far from Ottawa so they’ll still be able to get to see eachother alot.

The 2 boys in Edmonton also got new jobs, and in July the 14 YR old goes to performing arts camp in Toronto and my hubby said he’s staying in Toronto most of the month with her,too, staying at the second-oldest’s place, so it will also be a break for me,too, with him gone for pretty much an entire month and not here to belittle, demean, insult, or put me down,I’ll feel so free, and also a break for a month from having to plan, prepare, serve, and monitor the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks,too, which I’ve been doing, all on my own, for the past 3 months now and it is alot of work so a little break will be nice and most welcome and appreciated.

At the 14 YR old’s app’t the other day the NP also asked her if she likes Toronto and she said she does and the NP said she doesn’t and can’t wait to get out of there as soon as possible and my hubby agreed with her saying he hates the city and I said how I love it and miss city life; that I grew up there and had a life there, and I really miss it, and my hubby snarked how you can’t do anything there and I told him I did lots of things there; O’Keefe Centre, Massey Hall, Centre Island, CNE, great shopping, restaurants, festivals, and I love and miss the diversity and culture,etc… I’ll always be a City Girl…..and he’ll always be a redneck.

Not Your Problem!

Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 12.28 PM I can still hear the scolding berating words the social worker kept  hurling at me at the session the other day whenever I’d bring up any concern for the kids: It’s not your problem! as she would shake her hand at me and point her finger at me accusingly, but just because the kids  get older,grow up, move away from home, go off to university, etc. doesn’t mean that I stop being a mother, that I stop worrying about them, stop caring about them, stop wanting what’s best for them, stop caring about their health, happiness, and well-being, or stop caring to know what’s happening with them or in their lives, so in a way it will always sort of be my problem because once they grow up and move out I don’t just all of a sudden stop caring or stop being a mother. I must note as well that she doesn’t have any kids, so she doesn’t know what it’s really like to have kids, to be a mother, or the challenges of parenting, but it made me feel so attacked, so berated, so scolded, blamed, and so attacked. They also want the 15 YR old to join in on the next session as well but if they’re just going to use it to blame everything on me and gang-up on me again then I’m through; I won’t be going to any more sessions; they’re already gruelling and emotionally taxing as it is, but  I’m not going to go there every week just to be torn apart ,blamed,and put down; it’s not good for my own emotional well-being and I won’t go there just to be beaten down every week.

As for whatever I may have done, real or imagined, I apologize, and if I really am such a bad mother and such a horrible person then I don’t deserve to live,anyway, and it shocked me when the 21 YR old disclosed that the kids are so competitive that they even compete who’s the sickest, I suppose in some twisted effort to get the most attention, as when someone’s sick they get the most attention( because they need it the most at the time) and everyone rallies around them, even travelling great distances to be with them, and I wonder too if maybe she might even have Munchausen Syndrome, where people enjoy being sick or pretend to be sick or even make themselves sick on purpose in a bid for attention…..I wouldn’t put it past her, esp. given all her false allegations against me and I wonder too if that’s maybe even the reason why the 14 YR old turned against me, esp. when before we used to be very close; perhaps the 21 YR old has been telling her lies about me, making up all these stories of horrible stuff she said I did and poisoned her against me?

I also notice as well the 14 YR old’s now even more distant since she came home from the hospital and she’s rude and disrespectful to every question I ask her and everything I say to her,for example, now she’s 14 she’s allowed to dye her hair, so she dyed her medium brown hair a darker “chestnut” brown and all I asked her was if she could use 1 bottle or had to use 2 bottle with her long hair, and she sniffed, More than you! (because with my ultra-short Buzz-cut I only need half a bottle) and also huffed, Why do you care? and she has that attitude with everything, and no matter how hard I try to bond with them, show any interest, include myself in their little circle, make small talk, use some light-hearted humour, or engage them in any way they just rebuff me and push me out.It’s like I live in a houseful of hostile strangers.

My hubby took the kids(except for the 10 YR old) to an Escape Room with the Nintendo Zelda theme in Toronto for the weekend so I get a nice quiet relaxing time at home(which I really need, believe me,) and I really need to get away and go back to the Caribbean and just spend time on the beach and in the ocean where I was happy and can just relax and get away from my toxic family and the stress of my life, perhaps to a resort in Jamaica or Cuba, but first I need $$$$$ so I’m going to try and sell my Pug figurine collection to raise $$$$ and I have at least 2 dozen pieces, maybe even closer to 50, ranging in sizes small up to large, with many Sandicast pieces,with even the small ones costing 50$, and if I’m lucky and a serious collector wants to buy the set maybe I can get 2000$….. both my hubby and mother shot it down and said no way, always trying to burst my bubble and kill my dreams, but I can at least try,and who knows……

Rescue Mission.

Screen Shot 03-29-17 at 08.15 AM I see helping the 13 YR old get over and thru her eating disorder as a battle and as a sort of a rescue mission, since she’s been caught up by this disease that has a strong grip on her, this illness that has taken her hostage and has distorted her thinking, her reasoning, her rationale, has buried who she once was and suffocated her and held her down where she is now powerless to escape without help. She is caught up in something too big to handle on her own, she has been basically “abducted” by this fierce monster that has now taken over every aspect of her life and controls every aspect of her being and she needs to be rescued from. I’m going in, I’m going to take this disease down and I’m rescuing my child. It’s not going to have her! It won’t succeed in claiming her!

So, it’s our job, as her parents that love her, along with the guidance and help of the professionals at the eating disorder clinic, to go in and get her. To bring her back. We have to take control back for her and reclaim herself and her life for her, we have to wrestle her out of the strong grip of her disease, which if left to it’s own devices will continue to starve her to death and eventually kill her. We have to be her warriors, her advocates, her army, we are now on a mission to find her again and get her back again. To restore her to what she once was, to who she used to be, before this awful disease took over. We will refeed her and help her to break out of destructive thought patterns and self-harming compulsions.

Despite being completely depleted of my own resources, God somehow gave me strength beyond my own self and I was somehow able to dig down even deeper, sort of like drilling down even deeper for oil, and the mother lion in me emerged, fighting, to protect, defend, fight for, reclaim, and take back my suffering child. I will not lose her, I will not let this disease win, I will not let this illness take her from us, and so I dove right in, fully prepared for battle, to fight this enemy head on,  and I dug even deeper and went down that abyss, and I reached for her and I’m pulling her out. I will have my child back. I have to be the rainbow for her dark cloud.

I’ve sent in the troops and even though it may be a long battle I will not give up, I will not surrender, I will not lose her, I will bring her back, even if it takes everything I have, even if it kills me. I am well-armed, and seasoned in battle. I have already been thru hell and back many times. I am not new at this. I am a mother that will do anything to protect and save her child……it has no idea who it’s dealing with! will get my B.B back. It’s not going to win!

Another Appointment.

Screen Shot 03-28-17 at 06.52 PM The 13 YR old, my hubby and I had another session at the eating disorders clinic, our weekly ritual now. In time it will just become a part of our regular routine, just like how it was when our now 19 YR old had leukemia when he was 7 and we had to make weekly trips for his chemo; you just sort of integrate the treatments into your life and it just sort of becomes a part of your routine.We’re lucky my hubby works from home though and is flexible,and I’m home with the kids anyway, and our homeschooling is flexible,too, but I really can’t see how 2 working parents with regular office hours could manage to get that much time off work once a week for months, esp. with each app’t lasting 2 -21/2 HRS and the clinic is over an HR away; I don’t think they’d be able to get all that time off so often, not without getting fired, anyway!

Despite a good week of getting her to eat more, she’s still lost weight, when we were hoping she would have at least gained something,making me wonder if she is still somehow sneaking off to barf it up, although they said it is normal this early though as she’s so undernourished it takes awhile to start gaining and to get up to a normal weight and then to start gaining more weight and the behaviour specialist talked to her today while we talked to the social worker and the nutritionist went over her food intake for the past week and our “homework” for this week is to continue to increase her food portions and varities of food and to add calories by adding sauces, dips, etc. and “sneaking” milk into soups, for example, and to not let her pick at, squeeze, or play with her food as it’s part of her rigid thinking that contributes to her eating disorder and the hold that it has over her that we have to try and break.

I also feel badly and guilty too wondering if I’m somehow to blame since I’ve been on so many diets myself to lose weight ever since I was a teen, and maybe now I’m fat she doesn’t want to end up looking like me (and on my side of the family everyone gets fat once they reach their 40’s, even if they were thin before, like me; it’s genetic) or maybe even from my hubby, who’s OCD and very picky about eating and has to force himself to eat, even though I’ve always told the kids growing up that people come in all different shapes and sizes; tall, short, thin, fat, and have always reassured them that they don’t have to worry about their weight and that the media and fashion world puts a high and unrealistic expectation of beauty on women and even the models don’t really even look like that; even they’re  Photoshopped!

The social worker also said she loved my orange Converse high-tops and the 13 YR old’s Roots hoodie and said we are a “funky, fashionable family” and I told her “we all have our own individual style” and my hubby mentioned how he and the 13 YR old and all the kids go to Fan Expo (which is like Comic-Con) every YR and I made it clear that I don’t, because I don’t want them to get the wrong impression and think I’m a nerd! 😀 I need to have my nails filled-in as well now it’s been a month and I get it done at the salon in Kingston and wanted to get it done after the app’t since we were already there but my hubby didn’t care and said it’s not important and not happening and didn’t want to bother taking the time because it’s just something for me but I have to get them done soon before they grow out completely!

I heard Stairway To Heavenmore times as well, last night and today, once on the radio and once on my iPod, for a total of 6 days in a row now, as an answer to that prayer that I hear it 3 days in a row as a sign if I’m going to die soon,and before I had a revelation I’m going to die on the 29th,too( although not clear which 29th or what month) and I wonder if it will even be today sometime, esp. since Buddy’s been extra attentive, not leaving my side and whining, almost as if he can sense something’s not right. There’s also a mumps outbreak in Toronto; 64 cases, but that’s not so bad considering it’s a population of 2.5 million,and I had mumps when I was a kid and so did everyone else I knew, and in fact, back in the 70’s when I was growing up, I also had measles, German measles, and chicken-pox, too; it was just a part of childhood!

My mother also ordered me to help her get a show on the TV as she doesn’t know how to get it streamed from the computer to play on the TV….except she didn’t think to ask me just 5 minutes before, when I was already in the livingroom……she decided to do it after, after I’d already left and was busy doing something else and then she got all snotty, snippy, huffy,and demanded that I just drop what I’m doing and do what she wants so I told her I was busy and she should have asked earlier and to get someone else to help her…..and she starts bitching at me, swearing, and just generally being nasty so I told her, well, if you’re going to be a bitch about it and act like that then I won’t help you the next time,either! and then she whines how she “hates having to depend on other people to always have to help her” and I told her “Or we could show you how so you could do it yourself…..” but she refused,claiming she’s “too old….” ok…..yeah, whatever….she’s her own worst enemy.

First Session.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM 001 The 13 YR old had her first session at the eating disorders clinic. The last time was just an assessment. My hubby and I go too as therapy is a family involvement thing with both her and the parents. The app’t was long, 2 1/2 HRS and it’s going to be like that all the time, every week! We go weekly for roughly 10 weeks,and then tapered off to every 2 weeks, and then monthly,and it could be for a YR, 18 months, or even longer, and may be delayed if she has to be hospitalized, tube-fed, or whatever. There are 5 specialists on the team that will be working with us, incl. a nurse-practitioner, nutritionist, social worker, behaviour therapist,and someone else I forgot.

They each talked to us and she got a physical exam and got her vitals checked and will at each session, and they noticed she has more cuts of self-injury,too, and now also on her legs and belly now,too as well as on her arms, so it’s escalating. They explained the seriousness of it saying that of all the mental illnesses, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate and we have to work with her and monitor and supervise her, not only to make sure that she eats but that she isn’t throwing it up and isn’t self-harming. We also have to hide all the razors, laxatives and all other medications,and she’s to keep a strict and regimented meal schedule and document a food diary each day of her intake. They noticed her lack of hygeine as well, body odour, unwashed greasy hair,grungy teeth, which I have struggled forever to try to get her to have a shower, wash her hair, etc. but she’s apathetic and just doesn’t care, they said now I have to do it for it since she’s not able to take care of herself anymore; I have to take over bathing her, washing her hair, brushing her teeth….it’s like she’s a baby all over again!

They also said it’s only a 50% cure-rate and when they asked her what she wants her ideal weight to be she said 60-70 pounds! I just lost it and cried, and gasped, You’d be dead! and they agreed with me and it just broke my heart. Even the almost-10 YR old weighs more than that and she’s like 5 1/2 feet tall and should weigh over 100 pounds! I just thought all along with her being so sullen, moody,pushing me away, and withdrawn that it was just the usual teen angst; I never knew she was struggling like this and starving and hurting herself. At least they’d know by looking at me with my big fat hippo ass that she didn’t get her eating disorder from me; it’s very obvious that I don’t starve myself, and my hubby made a deal with her once she eats properly, gains weight, gets to the proper weight and health and stops hurting herself he’ll get her the rose-gold Mac Book computer she wants as a “reward”, and it’ll also act as a motivation to get well and a goal to strive for.

As well, in the morning as I was trying to clean my toothbrush there was no water pressure and then no water at all and I wonder if the cold ( wind-chill of -20C) froze our pipes or they burst or something but then later heard on the radio a water main pipe in town had broken and that was why and it affected the entire town, not just us, which was a relief as we can’t afford the expense of a plumber, but now the water’s back but they say the water’s all contaminated and it won’t be fixed for 2 more days, but we don’t drink disgusting tap water anyway; you might as well drink out of the toilet; it all comes from the same place: the sewer!

The 17 YR old got rejected from yet another school ( the third so far) she applied to as well, their excuse was because her homeschool curriculum is American, which is a load of shit because they do accept international students, incl. American ones, who don’t have the same educational system or credits as here,and it seems now there’s starting to be a discrimination and crackdown on homeschoolers as the older kids never had any problems getting admitted into universities….now I’m starting to get worried; what if no one accepts her? I know when one door closes, another opens….but what if she’s like me in my life and no door opens and every door is always closed?

My hubby also made a snide remark when I mentioned about how I’m looking forward to  Heaven,” Like you’re going to get to Heaven!”  and it crushed me. My faith and relationship with God is the most important thing in my life and to have it questioned, attacked, and doubted like that was very hurtful. So, what, does he think that because I use weed I won’t get to Heaven? God happened to make the cannabis plant, so it must be for our use, I think for medicine, so it wouldn’t be a sin to use something He created. It’s just a plant,and besides, there are alot worse things that I could do,and I still have a strong faith and I love God and I care about and pray for people… any case, that’s between me and God and it’s up to God to judge,and what can he say,anyway? He doesn’t even go to church,and he mocks religion and scoffs at God…who is he to judge?