Where’s My Weed?

Screenshot_800 It’s been a week now since I ordered my pre-rolled joints from the gov’t weed supplier off their official website now that weed has been legalized for everyone but it still hasn’t even been sent out for delivery yet even though it was supposed to be shipped in just 2-3 days and they said I’m to get an e-mail informing me of when it gets sent out and I still haven’t got it yet, and I saw on the news as well there’s this huge back-log of orders and shipments are delayed due to the unprecedented high volume of orders and lack of supply; they’re actually running out and demand has exceeded supply,and,in fact, they said all the orders from Ontario alone are more than in the rest of the country in total!

To make matters even worse is the fact that Canada Post is on rotating strikes now as well, always doing it at the worst possible time in order to inconvenience the most people; usually they do it at Christmas time when there’s the highest volume of cards and parcels being sent thru the mail. I normally get my medical marijuana from the licensed medical supplier but I decided to try this as an experiment, and as a comparison in both price and customer service and I have to say that even though I was impressed that the website didn’t crash, wasn’t slow and the items weren’t sold out, (and shipping only costs 5$) when I ordered like I half-expected I am pissed-off it’s taking so long to be shipped and when I order from my regular supplier it arrives in just 1 or 2 days after I order it, and the mail is just one option, you can also get it by courier, although it costs more ( 18 $ to ship as opposed to 4 $ by post, so I order by mail) but at least if the mail’s on strike you do still have another way of getting it, unlike the new gov’t site that only ships by mail so if they’re on strike you’re screwed.

Legalizing weed is the only good thing the gov’t has ever done for me and now they display their usual typical gov’t ineptitude, half-assed service, and substandard ways, and their cannabis oil is way over-priced as well: over 100$ for just a 15 ml bottle and the one I usually get is between 90-100$ for 40 ml, so needless to say I won’t be shopping there again and will continue on with my usual supplier.Oh, well.

As well, my mother said she only has 2 teeth left, one at the top and one at the bottom, like a hamster; the rest have all rotted and fallen out, but she’s on pension and doesn’t have any dental coverage and can’t afford to pay so there’s nothing she can do, and she can’t afford dentures either so pretty soon she won’t have any teeth at all because dental coverage(and drug prescriptions) aren’t covered in our health care; you have to have extra coverage benefits from your employer(like my hubby does but it only covers him, me and the kids under 18, but not her) but alot of people don’t so they’re just S.O. L. I also realized too I have never had sex in my own hometown of Toronto, just in Ottawa, Quebec( in fact, the 24 YR old was actually conceived in Montreal, and the third child was even conceived in the back of a van at the beach!), Hawaii, and here!

Seventeen.

Screenshot_797 I saw this recent issue of Seventeen magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes  and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the inside that I always was,  and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

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The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

Me For A Day.

Screenshot_195 My hubby, the 11 YR old and I went to the CNE, or the Ex, in Toronto. We were gone over 12 hours and soooo much walking my legs, back,and feet are killing me and I’m soooo exhausted! I had a good day though! I always love going to the Ex and being back in Toronto again I come alive and it transforms me and I feel like the Old Me again. Just for one day I felt like Me again, the way I used to be. The Me that lived in the city , the Me that was happy, the Me that used to laugh and have fun. The Me before I broke. Every time I go back I get a little piece of that back again, even just for a little while and it just feels so good. I was Me for a day, just like old times and I felt so free and I was even sort of hoping that it would be the day that I die, so that I’d die in the city, the same place where I was born and grew up, and so I would die in a place I love and where I was happy. Lately I have this feeling I am dying very soon,too, that it’s coming  very close, but at least I got to enjoy one last summer and one last time at the Ex.

The weather was also forecasted to be 40 C with the humidex and thunderstorm and even though it was humid we just got a bit of rain, thank God. I was originally supposed to go last Thursday, when the weather was good for walking around the Ex; it was overcast and breezy, and then it got switched to a Saturday,and then bumped to this day as my hubby kept changing his mind and something for me is always last in priority. At one point he even indicated that he might not even have time to take me this year even though I hardly go anywhere and this is only once a year and I look forward to it all year. Going to the Ex and Christmas are my 2 fave. days of the year.

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This is a photo of a gigantic garden gnome in the horticulture section I took. I also had fried gnocci for lunch and gyros for dinner. I watched 3 shows as well: one was a dance troupe from Cambodia, another dancers and acrobats from China, and another stunt people/martial artists that have been in Hollywood movies. I also finally found the tie-dye skirt I was looking for and 5-6 hippos to add to my collection! One of the vendors I got one of the hippos from even came all the way from South Africa to sell his wares at the Ex….and I thought we came a long way with our 2 hour drive! Buddy really missed me though being gone all day and he was sad, sulking and moping  around and hid under the couch all day.

On the way home my hubby started falling asleep driving, which is just as dangerous as driving impaired, so we stopped and pulled over at a truck stop in Port Hope and he napped for awhile before resuming the rest of our trip and I kept seeing lightening as well which neither he or the 11 YR old  said they saw, and they said was all in my head, and I know I do hallucinate and I know it’s worse when I’m tired but I really don’t think I was about this but it’s really embarrassing though when I hallucinate; I’m so sure that I saw or heard something and then only to find out that no one else did and it was all my imagination and then I feel really stupid and embarrassed….I know I did hallucinate for sure though on the way home on the highway when I “saw” silver, gold,and red lights beaming down from way up in the sky all the way down onto the highway below and they were “dancing” in the sky and it looked like the bright colourful laser show but I still do think the lightening was for real though.

The Cricket.

Screenshot_120 As soon as I went in the kitchen in the morning I heard what sounded distinctly like a cricket loudly chirping. I was sure it was a cricket. I know a cricket when I hear one. I like the sound though,and it reminds me of camp and the cottage when I was a kid. I mentioned it to my hubby and he quickly dismissed it(as anything I say always has to be doubted and shot down and can’t possibly be true) and said,It’s just the fridge; it’s making that noise because you over-crowd it with too much stuff as usual! It kept on thru the day and then later on guess what?…. the 17 YR old sawcricket….what do you know….on the kitchen counter in-between 2 mugs! HA! I was right! Searching Google for this cricket image at first all these dumb sports cricket crap first came up too and not the inscet, and I was like, Oh, yeah….shit….I forgot there’s another kind of cricket!

I also did see a cricket the other day,and rescue it, from the pool. It was in the water struggling and I lifted it out and put it onto the deck to hop into the bushes and it jumped back into the water and again I returned it. I wonder if it was the same one? It sure felt good, though, being right and being able to rub it in his face! He’s always gloating about smart he is and how he’s always right about everything all the time and always trying to prove me wrong and make me look dumb, but this time I was right and he was wrong so he can suck it!!  😀

Screenshot_119 The Daily Bruise: Day 6. It’s clearing up more but still hurts in bed at night if I roll over and bump it up against anything, and I was woken up at 1 am with a loud harsh coughing fit,too. It was really bad; the kind where you gasp for air and your eyes water, and my chest felt tight, burning,squeezing, and constricted as well, like it did during the fire breathing in the smoke, or sort of like when you stay underwater too long and your lungs are starving for air and you have to resurface right away. My arms also felt heavy, tingling, and numb. I had to reach over to my bedside table and have a drink and it still took awhile to settle it down. I wonder if I accidently inhaled a feather from my pillow or something? Or maybe I was coming out of another seizure or something? I also notice a pattern before I have a seizure I’m also really restless,too, esp. my legs and I notice myself involuntarily flexing them in and out and feeling extra tired just prior. There’s a connection somehow…

The 15 YR old also got her first job! She had been volunteering at the mission store all summer but now the grocery store where the 17 YR old works hired her,too! She’s just so excited and happy to be making her own $$$ but it’s only part-time because school goes back soon and she has to concentrate on that first and can only work on weekends. The CNE also opened yesterday as well, a sign of the end of summer, and I always love going. When I lived in Toronto I’d go several times every summer and now when I go and I’m there and back in the city again I feel like the Old Me again with my Old Life where I was happy and I feel so free, so alive, so transformed, so renewed, so reborn. Going to the CNE and Christmas are still my 2 biggest clebrations and fave. days of the year.

I have drama as well: one of my Facebook friends was also so excited to be a first-time grandma to twins….until she found out that she’s actually not; a DNA test showed that her son is, in fact, actually not the father, so she’s not the grandmother, afterall! She’s so heartbroken. Imagine how her poor son must feel though? He was there for the birth and everything, thinking they were his babies. Holy shit, the poor guy! Someone’s a big ‘ho!