Where’s My Weed?

Screenshot_800 It’s been a week now since I ordered my pre-rolled joints from the gov’t weed supplier off their official website now that weed has been legalized for everyone but it still hasn’t even been sent out for delivery yet even though it was supposed to be shipped in just 2-3 days and they said I’m to get an e-mail informing me of when it gets sent out and I still haven’t got it yet, and I saw on the news as well there’s this huge back-log of orders and shipments are delayed due to the unprecedented high volume of orders and lack of supply; they’re actually running out and demand has exceeded supply,and,in fact, they said all the orders from Ontario alone are more than in the rest of the country in total!

To make matters even worse is the fact that Canada Post is on rotating strikes now as well, always doing it at the worst possible time in order to inconvenience the most people; usually they do it at Christmas time when there’s the highest volume of cards and parcels being sent thru the mail. I normally get my medical marijuana from the licensed medical supplier but I decided to try this as an experiment, and as a comparison in both price and customer service and I have to say that even though I was impressed that the website didn’t crash, wasn’t slow and the items weren’t sold out, (and shipping only costs 5$) when I ordered like I half-expected I am pissed-off it’s taking so long to be shipped and when I order from my regular supplier it arrives in just 1 or 2 days after I order it, and the mail is just one option, you can also get it by courier, although it costs more ( 18 $ to ship as opposed to 4 $ by post, so I order by mail) but at least if the mail’s on strike you do still have another way of getting it, unlike the new gov’t site that only ships by mail so if they’re on strike you’re screwed.

Legalizing weed is the only good thing the gov’t has ever done for me and now they display their usual typical gov’t ineptitude, half-assed service, and substandard ways, and their cannabis oil is way over-priced as well: over 100$ for just a 15 ml bottle and the one I usually get is between 90-100$ for 40 ml, so needless to say I won’t be shopping there again and will continue on with my usual supplier.Oh, well.

As well, my mother said she only has 2 teeth left, one at the top and one at the bottom, like a hamster; the rest have all rotted and fallen out, but she’s on pension and doesn’t have any dental coverage and can’t afford to pay so there’s nothing she can do, and she can’t afford dentures either so pretty soon she won’t have any teeth at all because dental coverage(and drug prescriptions) aren’t covered in our health care; you have to have extra coverage benefits from your employer(like my hubby does but it only covers him, me and the kids under 18, but not her) but alot of people don’t so they’re just S.O. L. I also realized too I have never had sex in my own hometown of Toronto, just in Ottawa, Quebec( in fact, the 24 YR old was actually conceived in Montreal, and the third child was even conceived in the back of a van at the beach!), Hawaii, and here!

Seventeen.

Screenshot_797 I saw this recent issue of Seventeen magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes  and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the inside that I always was,  and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

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The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

Me For A Day.

Screenshot_195 My hubby, the 11 YR old and I went to the CNE, or the Ex, in Toronto. We were gone over 12 hours and soooo much walking my legs, back,and feet are killing me and I’m soooo exhausted! I had a good day though! I always love going to the Ex and being back in Toronto again I come alive and it transforms me and I feel like the Old Me again. Just for one day I felt like Me again, the way I used to be. The Me that lived in the city , the Me that was happy, the Me that used to laugh and have fun. The Me before I broke. Every time I go back I get a little piece of that back again, even just for a little while and it just feels so good. I was Me for a day, just like old times and I felt so free and I was even sort of hoping that it would be the day that I die, so that I’d die in the city, the same place where I was born and grew up, and so I would die in a place I love and where I was happy. Lately I have this feeling I am dying very soon,too, that it’s coming  very close, but at least I got to enjoy one last summer and one last time at the Ex.

The weather was also forecasted to be 40 C with the humidex and thunderstorm and even though it was humid we just got a bit of rain, thank God. I was originally supposed to go last Thursday, when the weather was good for walking around the Ex; it was overcast and breezy, and then it got switched to a Saturday,and then bumped to this day as my hubby kept changing his mind and something for me is always last in priority. At one point he even indicated that he might not even have time to take me this year even though I hardly go anywhere and this is only once a year and I look forward to it all year. Going to the Ex and Christmas are my 2 fave. days of the year.

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This is a photo of a gigantic garden gnome in the horticulture section I took. I also had fried gnocci for lunch and gyros for dinner. I watched 3 shows as well: one was a dance troupe from Cambodia, another dancers and acrobats from China, and another stunt people/martial artists that have been in Hollywood movies. I also finally found the tie-dye skirt I was looking for and 5-6 hippos to add to my collection! One of the vendors I got one of the hippos from even came all the way from South Africa to sell his wares at the Ex….and I thought we came a long way with our 2 hour drive! Buddy really missed me though being gone all day and he was sad, sulking and moping  around and hid under the couch all day.

On the way home my hubby started falling asleep driving, which is just as dangerous as driving impaired, so we stopped and pulled over at a truck stop in Port Hope and he napped for awhile before resuming the rest of our trip and I kept seeing lightening as well which neither he or the 11 YR old  said they saw, and they said was all in my head, and I know I do hallucinate and I know it’s worse when I’m tired but I really don’t think I was about this but it’s really embarrassing though when I hallucinate; I’m so sure that I saw or heard something and then only to find out that no one else did and it was all my imagination and then I feel really stupid and embarrassed….I know I did hallucinate for sure though on the way home on the highway when I “saw” silver, gold,and red lights beaming down from way up in the sky all the way down onto the highway below and they were “dancing” in the sky and it looked like the bright colourful laser show but I still do think the lightening was for real though.

The Cricket.

Screenshot_120 As soon as I went in the kitchen in the morning I heard what sounded distinctly like a cricket loudly chirping. I was sure it was a cricket. I know a cricket when I hear one. I like the sound though,and it reminds me of camp and the cottage when I was a kid. I mentioned it to my hubby and he quickly dismissed it(as anything I say always has to be doubted and shot down and can’t possibly be true) and said,It’s just the fridge; it’s making that noise because you over-crowd it with too much stuff as usual! It kept on thru the day and then later on guess what?…. the 17 YR old sawcricket….what do you know….on the kitchen counter in-between 2 mugs! HA! I was right! Searching Google for this cricket image at first all these dumb sports cricket crap first came up too and not the inscet, and I was like, Oh, yeah….shit….I forgot there’s another kind of cricket!

I also did see a cricket the other day,and rescue it, from the pool. It was in the water struggling and I lifted it out and put it onto the deck to hop into the bushes and it jumped back into the water and again I returned it. I wonder if it was the same one? It sure felt good, though, being right and being able to rub it in his face! He’s always gloating about smart he is and how he’s always right about everything all the time and always trying to prove me wrong and make me look dumb, but this time I was right and he was wrong so he can suck it!!  😀

Screenshot_119 The Daily Bruise: Day 6. It’s clearing up more but still hurts in bed at night if I roll over and bump it up against anything, and I was woken up at 1 am with a loud harsh coughing fit,too. It was really bad; the kind where you gasp for air and your eyes water, and my chest felt tight, burning,squeezing, and constricted as well, like it did during the fire breathing in the smoke, or sort of like when you stay underwater too long and your lungs are starving for air and you have to resurface right away. My arms also felt heavy, tingling, and numb. I had to reach over to my bedside table and have a drink and it still took awhile to settle it down. I wonder if I accidently inhaled a feather from my pillow or something? Or maybe I was coming out of another seizure or something? I also notice a pattern before I have a seizure I’m also really restless,too, esp. my legs and I notice myself involuntarily flexing them in and out and feeling extra tired just prior. There’s a connection somehow…

The 15 YR old also got her first job! She had been volunteering at the mission store all summer but now the grocery store where the 17 YR old works hired her,too! She’s just so excited and happy to be making her own $$$ but it’s only part-time because school goes back soon and she has to concentrate on that first and can only work on weekends. The CNE also opened yesterday as well, a sign of the end of summer, and I always love going. When I lived in Toronto I’d go several times every summer and now when I go and I’m there and back in the city again I feel like the Old Me again with my Old Life where I was happy and I feel so free, so alive, so transformed, so renewed, so reborn. Going to the CNE and Christmas are still my 2 biggest clebrations and fave. days of the year.

I have drama as well: one of my Facebook friends was also so excited to be a first-time grandma to twins….until she found out that she’s actually not; a DNA test showed that her son is, in fact, actually not the father, so she’s not the grandmother, afterall! She’s so heartbroken. Imagine how her poor son must feel though? He was there for the birth and everything, thinking they were his babies. Holy shit, the poor guy! Someone’s a big ‘ho!

Creepy Neighbour.

Screenshot_1113 I’m pretty sure the creepy neighbour across the street( who pretty much looks like this; middle-aged, balding, nerdy, creepy-looking) is up to something. He fits the profile and I have always had my suspicions. It’s not the paranoia of weed either as I think this all the time. A friend of mine said to not judge a book by it’s cover but it’s not just by how he looks( he’s a high school teacher and he looks like this creepy nerd and wears suspenders) but by his weird and I think odd and suspicious behaviour. First of all, he lives in this big brick house all alone for years and never has any visitors or company and he really keeps to himself, I mean really; he doesn’t even talk to, even say “hi” to, wave to, nod at, say Good morning! or acknowledge any of the neighbours in any way. No one knows his name, anything about him( other than his job as a teen who lived on the street said he was her teacher at one time) and I’m convinced the guy keeps hostages in his basement. He’s the kind of quiet guy that keeps to himself where one day you find the SWAT team breaking into his house and arresting him and you see on the news he’s been arrested and it turns out he’s a serial killer.

He never sits or goes outside; he’s always either at home in his house hidden away or he’s at work. He just comes straight home from work. I’ve never seen him buy food or groceries of any kind(Oh, God, maybe he’s a cannabil and he eats people?) and he doesn’t even put out any garbage. It’s like the guy doesn’t eat. He hardly ever cuts his grass, and the other day when he came back from somewhere he was wearing an uncharacteristically black cap and black hoodie(usually he wear the nerdy clothing), like to hide his identity and he often is seen bringing in  duffle bags of stuff(I imagine are hammers, duct-tape, etc.) and what appears to be either padding, or sound-proofing stuff, which I presume is to muffle out the screams for help from his hostages in the basement. There’s just something “off” about this guy and that doesn’t sit “right” with me but there’s nothing I can actually do. I mean, I can’t just call the police and tell them I have a “feeling” my creepy neighbour is up to something when I have no proof. The other day the FedEx guy knocked on his door and delivered a big package and I watched as he brought it inside and closed the door, half-expecting a huge explosion, and hoping that he wasn’t going to kill the FedEx guy…. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if the cops show up there one day…my family says I’m crazy but we’ll see….

As well, we’re to get a bad storm today and possibly even a tornado, and the visiting cousins also went to Niagara Falls and the CN Tower, and even though I was born and grew up in Toronto and even remember the tower being constructed when I was a kid( I must have been 9 or 10 or so) and I lived there until I was 17 and I used to go past it frequently I’ve never actually been up in it. How weird is that? It bothers me as well how my mother and hubby are getting rid of everything I love as well: 2 of the couches I love, the piano, the floral wallpaper I liked, and forcing me to move when I like this house and don’t want to leave,and now my mother’s talking about if we do end up moving she wants a bungalow so she won’t have to go up and down stairs, but I don’t like one floor; I like the old brick Century homes, Victorian style, which are 2-3 floors(and we can still get that style and downsize; instead of 7 bedrooms like we have now we can get a 3-4 bedroom one), and it feels like my opinions, needs, considerations, thoughts, preferences, feelings,and what I want don’t matter, aren’t important, and aren’t considered.

They are just ignored, dismissed,and over-looked and it makes me feel like I’m being phased out and like they’re “erasing” me ,and I’m just expected to blindly accept without question every decision my mother and hubby make without being consulted, whether I like it, agree, or want it or not,and what I want doesn’t matter, count, or have any sway. It’s bad enough if I have to move when I don’t want to, but I at least want to be able to love the house and like where I live and not just be dragged somewhere and be forced to settle, and on top of that, they’ve gotten rid of all of my favourite things,too. It’s like they’re packing up to move not planning to include me, removing every memory of my existance. I’m always forced to settle in life and I’m sick of it. Hopefully I’ll die before they move and I won’t even have to worry about it.

 

Mind-F*ck.

Screenshot_1109 My hubby always likes to mind-f*ck me, play mind-games with me, play on my fears, worries, anxieties, and psychologically abuse me. He derives some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it, out of making me doubt my own mind, out of confusing me, making me squirm, making me worry, question and doubt my sanity, making me trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, playing on my fears, anxieties and worries, trying to scare me, trying to figure out if something true or just another one of his twisted ideas of a “joke”, whether he’s lying and just setting me up or not or if it’s true, f*cking with my mind, etc. you get the idea. I think it’s just sick, cruel, and twisted, but for some reason he gets great enjoyment from it and thinks it’s “funny” and delights in watching me struggle and fall for it time and time again, trying to figure it out.

This particular time I was saying how even though some of the kids are mentally messed-up(which appears to be genetic) at least none of them ended up in gangs, in rehab, arrested, in trouble with the police, teen moms, etc. so in that way they turned out ok, and then he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind by saying I obviously don’t know what my kids are up to and that the 20 YR old and the oldest who live in Edmonton are now in a gang and when I asked him if he was joking or not( because with him you can never tell, and he also lies all the time too so you never know if he’s serious ,telling the truth, lying, joking, or mind-f*cking with me…. and then he wonders why I don’t trust him or ever believe him ) he wouldn’t say but kept going on and on about how they’re now in this gang and it got me really worried and scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went to bed worried about it, it playing in my head and on my mind all night, and I prayed a silent desperate mother- heart prayer to God to keep them safe whatever they’re into.

Later I asked one of the kids if they knew anything about them being in any gang and they replied they’re in a “gang” ( more of  a guild, actually) in some online computer game they play. Thank God! I was just so worried! So technically I guess you could say it’s a “gang”, but he knew  what I meant, the context of the conversation, and how he implied it and made it come across and that’s exactly how he wanted me to interpret it , with the sole purpose of upsetting and panicking me. He always does this kind of thing to me, playing mind-games with me, f*cking around with my mind. He’s just a sick, twisted, cruel, demented F*CK and he’s ruined my life. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

As well, it’s been so hot here and so little rain (only less than 10 mm so far all month and the average should be around 60-70 mm) everyone’s grass is all brown, dry,and hard, and the mass shooting on Danforth in Toronto was very close to my old house and on the street my friend A (from grades 10 and 11) lived,and just 20 minutes away from where my cousins were at the time, visiting from Europe! Holy shit!! They also went on a ferry boat touring the harbour and islands, and saw a live theatre production.They saw the play Wicked. Not my personal preference given the occult nature( witchcraft) but I’d like to go see Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, and Come From Away but I can’t afford it; tickets are like 200$+ each!When we lived there( and had $$$$) my mother and I used to go and see live theatre all the time.

I also saw the Mamma Mia! sequel film and both my mother and I are so slow she thought 2 different characters that looked alike were the same person and I knew they were separate people but didn’t know it was mother and daughter, that it was showing their parallel lives in different time periods; it was confusing, and then my hubby was making fun of me for it,and for being so dumb, and bragging he could tell  in watching for less than 10 minutes. He always looks for every opportunity to put me down and make me feel badly about myself.Yeah, well, he can kiss my ass; at least  can rhyme, know most capital cities,and I can speak more than one language,too, unlike him, so go f*ck yourself, you arrogant, condescending bastard! I swear to God, meeting him was my biggest regret in life.

Home.

Screenshot_1040 While I was out walking Buddy he’d stopped in front of the house to sniff something in the grass and to pee on the fire hydrant and as we waited I looked up at the house and a wave of emotion came over me and I thought, This is my home. This is where I belong. I don’t want to live somewhere else. I don’t want to move. Even though I’ve never liked the town I do like the house and I’ve settled in here and I really don’t want to leave, esp. the backyard, my bedroom,and the livingroom. Those are my fave. spots in the house, but if we do end up having to still move afterall I hope at least that I love the new house too and enough so that I don’t miss this one too much. I also hope for “extras” such as a clawfoot tub and French doors like I had at our old Toronto house. The photo here I took sitting on the front veranda looking out onto the street, also another place I like to be, sitting in the shade.

Screenshot_1041 The pool’s also clearing up nicely now as well, and I’m surprised so fast! Hopefully maybe it will be ready to use in time for when our relatives come visit on the weekend! We dumped something like 8 jugs of “shock” (liquid chlorine) into it . I also re-dyed my hair platinum blonde again and it’s so short I have to cut it every 1-2 weeks and dye it every 3 weeks and my mother had her MRI yesterday as well to try and find the source of her back pain she had earlier but if it’s something like a virus or nerve pain nothing will show up on the scan and on the weekend it will be 7 weeks since I’ve last had Aunt Flow,too, so I’m hoping that menopause has finally come and I won’t be getting it anymore and last month the cramps were off the chart but I hardly had any flow,and my friend A(from Ottawa) and his wife had their first baby the other day; a girl, and they were in the hospital for 2 days,too, but when I had my last baby I went home after just 4 hours, so I wonder if they’re keeping them in longer now?