Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

Screenshot_1059

Thanx for reading.

Unlovable.

Screenshot_987 I have always felt my entire life that I must truly be unlovable, that I must have some defect, something lacking, something that makes me unworthy of being loved, some character flaw, something, that prevents people from being able to love me as all my life I have always been rejected, excluded, abused, victimized, betrayed, used, taken advantage of, bullied, overlooked, inferior, less-than, etc. and the only one that actually loves me is my dog; others just tolerate me and have to co-exist with me, but no one else really loves me, cares about me, or gives a rat’s ass if I live or die, and they never really have.Even when I think I do have friends; people I like, care about,get close to,and think I can trust they always end up getting tired of me anyway after awhile and with my unfortunate looks I’ve never been able to attract guys and even my own mother admitted to me once that she never loved me and my father left when I was 2 and I never saw him again.

Growing up with my own mother she bought me everything I wanted but wasn’t home much and didn’t spend much time with me, and  my grandparents weren’t what you’d call “affectionate”; I’d visit them regularly but they’d never hug or kiss me, they were very reserved, and I was that lonely odd kid in school who was always isolated, bullied and never fit in, and I never dated; my hubby was my only boyfriend, and I ended up in an unhappy marriage, longing for the lost love I never got to experience but still long for, and ever since I had my own kids my mother has become really controlling and interfering and our relationship has been destroyed, and my own kids have distanced themselves from me now,too…it just feels like no one ever stays around or likes me for too long, like I “repel” people once they really get to know me….

Like I’m unlovable.Like no one can ever love me.Like I’m not ever meant to be loved.

I don’t know whether it’s due to my Asperger’s, my bipolar, or what, but it feels like there must be something about me, my personality, my character traits, my limitations, my aura, my beingness, my influence, my presence, my existance, that just seems to turn people off and turn people away, and that makes me unworthy of love, unable to be  loved. Just….unlovable. At least that’s the way I’ve been treated my entire life makes me feel.

It’s a very lonely existance.

Awesome!

HippoShirtShelfies

Check this out! I finally found the awesome hippo shirt I’ve been looking for! There’s this online place that makes T-shirts and stuff and lets you create your own they custom-make for you using the photo images you send in, incl. your own face if you want.They have short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and even do pillows! I decided on the short sleeve as this way I can wear it all year in both summer and winter but the long sleeve only in winter, plus the short-sleeve one costs less. This was the perfect answer to my dilemma of never being able to find a hippo shirt with hippos all over the shirts, front, back, sleeves, everywhere…..but this is!It’s also made of the stretchy polyester material I fondly remember having shirts of as a kid in the 70’s so for me it’s nostalgic,too. So, this will be my Christmas gift from my hubby. We always do it this way as he never knows what to get me anyway(he knows I like and collect hippo things, for example, but he can’t remember which ones I already have or not) and this way he knows I like it, it’s the right size, the right style or colour, etc. I just give him the bill. 🙂

One day a week for the next several weeks my hubby’s also in Toronto all day taking a course for work to upgrade and I don’t see him all day and it’s wonderful! It feels like such a huge weight’s lifted off where I can just relax and not always feel on edge like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and where I can literally feel my stress level go waaayy down with him not here getting in my way, getting in my face, always putting me down, cutting me off, upstaging me, proving me wrong, embarrassing me, dismissing me, devaluing me, being condescending to me, humiliating me, insulting me, etc. and I really enjoy that day each week; it feels like my special Day Off, a stress-break, freedom, a sense of relief and, Oh, good, he’s gone all day! Today’s the day he’s gone! I also had the job of manually expressing Buddy’s impacted anal sacs today. My life is so glamorous. Ha ha.

 

Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.

All For Love.

Screenshot_942 I woke up this morning by the putrid rancid stink of fresh warm shit, a squishy diarrhrea, in fact, waiting for me right in front of my bedroom door, courtesy of Buddy who has The Shits. He may have tried to wake me up and tell me(he normally does) only I was asleep and never heard him, esp. as I did also sleep thru the news and never woke up and when you gotta go you gotta go, so there I was, before the sun even came out, on my hands and knees, scrubbing shit off my carpet and he was hiding under my bed, thinking he was in trouble and I tried to coax him out and told him,  The things I do for you! You’re lucky I love you so much! and then I was thinking of all the things I do for him because I love him:

I get up early to take him out. I even wipe his ass for him(and this time of year is best with wet leaves to wipe fudge-smudges). I go out in sub-Zero freezing temperatures to take him out. I go out in pouring rain to take him out. I pick up shit with my bare hands. I touch the most disgusting slimy so-called “meat” and cook it for him to eat. I clean brown waxy gunk out of his ears. I express his anal glands. I get farted on, sneezed on and breathed on with his dragon breath. I pick fleas and ticks off of him. I’ve washed shit out of his fur. I’ve cleaned up his puke off the carpet. I’ve had my face licked.

I do it all for love and it’s worth it. He’s worth it.And I’d do it again. And again. And again. And I do. And I love it.

As well, my hubby’s always making fun of me for being forgetful and calls me old (even though he’s 4 years older than me) but now it’s happening to him,too; he forgot where he put his pants and he fell asleep in his relcining chair watching TV just like my Dedushka used to do, also a sign of being an old man, so who’s the old one now? Now he knows what it’s like to be old! Welcome to my world! He denies he reads my blog,too, even though I know he does as he’s made references that have only been on the blog and I’ve even seen  it up on his computer screen once when I went in to his office for something; he just lies for some reason and pretends that he doesn’t. I don’t care either way though; if he reads it or not; I don’t do it for him, anyway, I just don’t get why he has to lie about it, and he’s putting up the outdoor Christmas lights again this year too after not doing it last year and saying he was done with it.

I was also starting to leave my body after I’d had weed and Buddy could sense it and it worried him and he was trying to stop me and interrupt the process and prevent me from leaving and he kept barking, pawing at me, scratching my leg, biting at my pant leg and tugging, licking my leg, as if trying to “rouse” me and I told him, Don’t worry; I’ll come back! but he wasn’t having any of it and he ended up disrupting it and the moment was gone as I have to have just the right conditions for it to work and any distraction pulls me back out of it. I also have increasing nausea almost daily now and I know something’s wrong as it’s highly unusual for me as I’m normally not a “barfy” person unless I have the Flu(which is only like every 5-10 years or so), am prego, or in extreme pain, such as in labour, a migraine, or after surgery, so I wonder if it’s just menopause related or due to an illness? I was also shocked and surprised to figure out that with my all-day Morning Sickness for 3 months with each of the 11 kids it would end up being something like 3 1/2 YEARS of being sick!!!

I cut the 11 YR old’s hair as well and now the other kids are being mean and making fun of him saying it looks awful and he’s so ugly and really ugly now and I did a bad job(yeah, like they could do better), etc. only I think it looks good; it just ended up shorter than originally planned since he laughed and moved when I had the clippers and this big chunk got accidently shaved short so I had to do the rest to match and blend in. It looks nice; it’s just a change and big difference and it takes time to get used to is all. Before he had this thick curly wild hair all sticking out like a mad scientist and now it’s really short and spiky.

The furnace also somehow got up to 80 F and it was really nice and warm in here like it never has been before; it’s always so freezing cold in the house we have to wear coats and wrap blankets around us to try and keep warm and I have to use a space heater in my bedroom overnight but now it’s soooo nice and the kids and I love it but my mother says it’s too hot and puts it back down to 70 F and here I was all this time, all these years, thinking that the furnace wasn’t working, that it didn’t adequately heat the house well as it was always cold, but it turned out it was capable; it just was never allowed; she just always had the thermostat set too low, so it never got to warm up, but now she says it’ll cost too much to keep it at 80F but we don’t want to go back to freezing either so we’ll have to compromise and set it in-between at 75 F and I’m sure, of course, that if she puts it back down to 70 F it will mysteriously somehow “find” it’s way back up again….

 

Rip-Off!!

Screenshot_882 The joint I ordered from the official gov’t cannabis site finally arrived! It took almost 2 weeks….and it ended up being this piddly tiny little thing, smaller than my little finger, and with taxes and shipping it costs a whopping 16 $ for just the one! I got ripped-off! I feel so cheated and it came in this big long tube(seen here) too and made me think I was getting this Big Fatty…..and then when you see the small dinky little thing inside….almost half of it filter…(kind of “fancy” though as I’ve never had a joint with a filter before but even so, it’s like getting a bag of chips and it’s half full of air). Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was like when I was a kid and I sent away for those Sea Monkeys at the back of a comic book and eagerly awaited their arrival only to find they didn’t work and all I got was a bunch of cloudy water.

Never again. I’m still sticking with my regular supplier. I should have known anything from the gov’t would be over-priced, a rip-off, half-assed and take forever. They started off ripping off the Native people and now they rip-off everyone else, too, and now with legalized weed they have just simply found yet another way to cheat us, rip us off and over-charge us somehow. I’m so mad and now I hate this country even more than I already did before and should send them a nasty scathing complaint letter. Maybe I should even send a shit bomb to Parliament Hill?

The only good thing was that whatever rolling paper they used was slow-burning so at least I got to slowly enjoy it. Originally I was going to save it for an emergency, but I’m never too good at saving things; whenever I get something new, esp. a treat, whether it’s a donut, a new magazine, a joint, or whatever, I can rarely contain my excitement and enthusiasm and I end up eating/reading/using/doing it right away; I can’t wait and I can’t save it, and besides, it was a bad day and I needed to de-stress.There’s just something extra relaxing about laying back and taking long slow drags off a joint and blowing out the smoke and just enjoying the moment, like a little temporary escape from the chaos of life. I had such a bad day as well I really needed an escape. When I came inside the 24 YR old quipped, as the smell of weed wafted past, Is Snoop Dogg in the house?

When the guys were out they forgot the yogurt for the 15 YR old(again!) and ever since her eating disorder I still have to meticuously make sure she gets enough to eat and all the right nutrients at the right times and the right amounts and monitor her intake  to try and prevent a relapse, and they went out again and I told them to be back at 6 pm for dinner and of course they never bothered and didn’t return until hours later,disregarding me yet again, and they also got me the wrong wrap too so I never had lunch, and then the 17 YR old was really mouthy, insulting,name-calling disrespectful, nasty, defiant and talking back and being a bitch(I’m being abused by my kids, too!!) when I told her to do something and she refused and basically bragged I have no authrotity over her and I can’t make her do anything and of course my hubby agreed and backed her up and then he starts ripping into me that  never shut up and keep going on and on about everything all the time, and repeating myself even though no one ever listens or hears me and I have no voice or say and I’m never heard. Maybe if they actually took the time to listen  what I have to say(and do what they’re told!) the first time I wouldn’t have to.

I also had the thought cross my mind, being just so fed up with my family, my life, being so unhappy for so long and not seeing any hope or improvement or any end to it, Why wait until Buddy dies (he is my best friend, my joy, and my lifeline and without him I have nothing left to live for, to keep me going) to kill myself? Why not just do it now? What am I waiting for? but then I figured, Then I lose and they win. That’s what they want.

10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Nails And Neuro.

Screenshot_877 I saw The neurologist and while I was in Kingston I also went to the nail salon and got my nails done, as seen here and to the mall and spent the day of it. I got a French manicure and it always feels so weird having a stranger holding my hands and touching my nails I can literally feel myself tensing up and clenching, but I got thru it and it turned out really nice. I may be ugly, but at least now I have pretty nails. In the mall I also saw these funny socks that said f*cking asshole on them and it made me laugh out loud and when I came out I said to my hubby who was waiting outside, I just found the perfect pair of socks for you! I was gone all day and poor Buddy missed me so much he spent all day sulking under the couch and didn’t eat all day or come out until I came back.

The neurologist is concerned about my hallucinations which just began this summer and doesn’t think it would be due to my white matter decline unless it’s gotten really severe, and wonders if I might have brain inflammation or it’s just caused by extreme and chronic stress otherwise but he’s ordering an MRI(takes about 1-2 months to book) to take a look as well as to see if there’s any changes in the deterioration in the white matter; if it’s the same or worse than it was last year.I was surprised when he said hallucinations can be caused by extreme stress. I never knew that. Really?  Stress is my life. He asked me if there’s any possible way to lower stress in my life and I told him short of running away from home and moving to a distant far away country, no. He said as well that it’s really mean my family plays mind games with me and takes advantage of my forgetfulness.  He also had lots of bloodwork done; they took 6 vials!

 

Screenshot_878

On the way home I also took this cool photo of the setting sun. The 24 YR old always complains as well he doesn’t get enough food even though we spend 600$ a week on groceries, but he eats so much we can’t afford to feed him; he can eat 5 sandwiches for lunch, for example, or an entire pizza, but we don’t have enough, otherwise there won’t be enough for everyone, so we have to ration food to one serving or piece each so there’s enough to go around and I told him if he wants more he either has to get a job and buy his own extra food with his own $$$ or have a garden and grow his own food.It’s not fair that he eats everything and there’s none left for anyone else.

First Snowfall.

Screenshot_867 We got our first snowfall! We got a dusting as you can see here and it was really coming down heavy,too, big fluffy flakes, not just light flurries, and it was a heavy packing snow, but in October? Buddy wasn’t too happy to see it,either, and when he stepped out in it for a walk he recoiled in horror, lifted up a paw and looked up at me with a stunned look as if he was thinking, What the f*ck, man? What is this? Where the hell did this come from? and he didn’t even want to go for a full walk; he just quickly did his thing and then turned around and pulled me to go back inside! The snow actually even stayed on the ground overnight into the morning but then it got milder and rained and washed it all away.

Good.

I also did Confession yesterday in church, asking forgiveness for the sins I’ve been accused of committing years ago even though I don’t remember ever actually doing any of it, and even question whether or not it even ever actually occurred, but if it did I feel really guilty, horrible, and badly, and need forgiveness, from God, from the accuser, and from myself, and the priest said that it’s only a sin and in need of forgiveness if I did it on purpose and was aware of it and did it willfully;  that you have to have intent in order for it to actually be a sin you need to be forgiven for, and if I didn’t even know, didn’t realize, and thought I did my best no sin was committed, and with my Asperger’s and bipolar it’s also not my fault; that I can’t help being what I am and it’s not fair for others(such as my family does) to hate me and blame me for things I can’t control, and like in the justic system with someone who committed a crime while insane God doesn’t hold you accountable unless you knew what you were doing and you were fully aware it was a sin but you did it anyway so that makes me feel better and I know God loves me and can see my heart and knows my intentions and that despite my repeated failures I  try, and I do the best with what I have and I do mean well; they just somehow always seem to come out wrong, get taken the wrong way,misunderstood,twisted around,  offend, annoy, push people away, appear rude or inconsiderate, etc. but that’s never my intention.

My hubby and the 17 YR old played a prank on me as well: the kids were late coming home from church in the morning yesterday( they don’t like going with me; I go in the evening, so they go in the morning) and I was getting worried so I called my hubby to see if he picked them up; if they were with him, and the 17 YR old answered the phone and had somehow altered her voice so it sounded like someone else and she said she just found the phone on the street; it was lost and she picked it up and asked who I was and don’t I want my phone back, asking for info,etc… but I suspected all along it was them and they were tricking me like they always do, and then she says do I want the phone or does she drop it off at the police so I just said to drop it off at the police and then I hung up. I thought that was that….

until….

They come home together awhile later and my hubby bursts thru the door looking somewhat panic-stricken and asks about his “missing phone” and I’m horrified and tell him what happened and I thought they were just pranking me but to call the number someone has it; they found it, so he “calls” and pretends to be talking to someone on the other end….and I’m freaking out thinking it’s actually real, all the while trying to explain to him why I didn’t believe it and hung up, thinking they were pranking me like they always do I didn’t believe it was real, that he actually did lose his phone so I guess this time the prank’s on him….. and then they all start laughing and he says the prank’s on me because it all was just a joke and he pulls out his phone to show me!  I seriously don’t know why they delight in always messing with me like that, and then they wonder why I’m crazy and losing my mind.

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?