Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

Screenshot_1059

Thanx for reading.

Abused.

 

Screen Shot 04-05-17 at 07.17 PM 001 After my hubby kept hitting me (and it kept increasing harder and harder) yesterday during our fight over the car radio and I really had some time after to think about it, the impression came into my head I’m being abused. Emotional abuse has now become physical abuse. It’s escalating. (although there were a couple of times before,too, over the YRS, where he’d roughly and forcefully grabbed my arm and twisted it hard when he was mad at me about something but generally his abuse is emotional, mental, and psychological….which, BTW, is bad enough, it’s life-sucking, soul-crushing and draining)

I’ve just become so accustomed to it, so numb to the way he and my mother (and kids; as they “mirror” their behaviour towards me and they copy it, thinking that’s how you’re supposed to treat Mama; put her down, insult her, blame her, belittle her, devalue and demean her, disrespect her, ignore her, dismiss her, trivialize her, bully her, gang-up on her, berate her, criticize her, tear her down, push her away,etc…) treat me, and it’s just my everyday daily life with my family that I don’t think anything of it, I’m so used to it, but then I thought if it were reversed and I was reading someone else’s blog and saw that their family constantly treated them like my family does to me ,and how it broke them and took away everything that they once were it would just break my heart and I would feel so badly for them, yet when it’s my own self I just live it each day trying my best to survive and make it thru each day the best that I can while I pray for death to bring me blessed relief and escape where I can find happiness, peace,and love, because realistically I know I have no money, no job skills, no support, nowhere to go,and no other way to escape to get out of this toxic environment, otherwise I would be gone so fast…. if only I had $$$$, support,and somewhere I could safely go.What am I supposed to do? I’m not going to live on the street!

It also got me thinking: maybe I’m really  not so depressed afterall, and maybe not even crazy,either, but just abused and this is just the side-effects of what they’ve done to me over all the YRS? My hubby I noticed his emotional abuse started when I was prego with our first child but then it increased and got worse over the YRS and my mother’s began after I had my second child, with her meddling, over-stepping boundaries ,over-ruling and undermining me, taking over with my kids and ganging up siding with them and my hubby against me, and the kids start once they get closer to the teen YRS, and maybe it’s just easier for them to call me crazy and say I’m the problem than to take some responsibility for what they’ve done and their contribution to it? I think they call it victim blaming.

My Tribe.

Tribe I am always trying to find my tribe, you know, the group that I fit in to, belong,and where I am accepted and welcomed. I found it once, back in the late 80’s, in the YMCA group where all the others were misfits and outcasts like me, but then the group folded and YRS later I had to move away due to a threat, and I haven’t been able to find a new tribe since. I am always on the outside looking in, longing, different than other people, wanting to belong but always being outcast, shunned and bullied, even by my own family who hates,insults and emotionally abuses me me and barely even tolerates me. This is why I esp. am looking forward to Heaven as there I will finally find love and acceptance and be welcomed with loving open arms. I will finally be loved, welcomed and accepted like I’ve never had or felt  here. I will finally find my tribe.

In the meantime my hubby told the 15 YR old that I’m “not his real mother” (which isn’t true) and I was freaking out about something (I had been doing well lately on my meds which have been stabilizing my moods but then it just suddenly hit me out of nowhere) and he and my mother shamed me seething that I “act like a 2 YR old” and he said, “I have to get AWAY from you! I can’t stand to be NEAR you!” and I told him,” How about you leave for GOOD?” and they said how they hate it that I “always blame Asperger’s for everything” and say I can’t help it, even though I can’t,and I can’t control it; it controls me,  and it really hurts that people hate, blame and criticize me for being what I am and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I wish I could cut it(Asperger’s) out of myself, destroy myself,and run away from myself(and I hate myself and wish I was dead) but I can’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it and them blaming me only makes it worse(as if I don’t hate myself enough already).

My hubby also said for me to go on disability so at least I can get some $$$$ out of it but I won’t as anything from the gov’t always comes with a price, usually at the cost of your privacy, rights,and freedom and it’s just not worth it. Someone on the Asperger’s online support group site said they didn’t think Asperger’s is a curse either but it is for me because my family hates me and blames me for it and they make me miserable and it ruins my life and it prevents me from ever having a normal life or ever being able to function normally or independently. My mother still has her bad cough as well but stubbornly refuses to take cough meds simply because *I* suggested it as she automatically has to ignore and dismiss anything that *I* say and she scoffs that it “doesn’t work” and I told her, “Of COURSE it doesn’t work if you don’t TAKE it!” and to think that she used to be a nurse,too, so you’d think she’d know better.

My family sucks.

I’m in the wrong tribe.

The Red Hippo.

RedHippo(new) This is the red hippo that my hubby found stashed in a bag under his desk when he cleaned out his pigsty office in the basement that he had hidden away for me for Valentine’s Day either for this YR, last YR, or perhaps even another YR(he can’t remember). Isn’t he cute? I just love him, he’s so adorable! I LOVE hippos!!(Note to hubby: maybe you should clean your office more often?) The 5 YR old also lost his second tooth and he just lost his first one around 2 weeks or so ago(it wasn’t too long ago) and he shocked us by calling the 9 YR old “F*ck face” when they had a fight. My hubby’s dad is also turning 80 and they’re giving him this big surprise party so I hope the poor old guy doesn’t end up with a heart attack!

My mother also hit me with the fridge door while I was in the kitchen throwing garbage away under the sink and when I said,”Hey!” only THEN did she say “Excuse me!”( although in a snarky sarcastic tone) yet she STILL hit me again, and then she snapped,”Why do *I* always have to wait for YOU?” and I told her, “Because *I* WAS here FIRST!” and as always when she went to the store she didn’t read labels and she got the wrong thing….and then when I got mad she blamed ME, so somehow it’s not HER fault for getting the wrong thing but MINE for mentioning it! She never takes any responsibility for anything and always blames someone else(usually me) and always somehow manages to “turn” everything around around onto me! I’m sick of always being being blamed for everything all the time and always being treated like dirt yet when I bring it up it’s MY fault and I’M “mean” to HER for saying it for how it is or for defending myself!

Every time I ask my hubby to do something for the 9 YR old he also sneers,”I’m not going to ‘jump’ just because __________ wants something!” He doesn’t like her because she loves me the most and resents that we’re so close(just like my mother does and she hates her,too) and I can be silly and goofy and have fun with her like I can’t with anyone else; we’re soul mates and bosom buddies and she’s the girl that I’ve always wanted. I’m closer to her than I’ve ever been to anyone else and my mother is furious that she hasn’t been able to turn her against me like she has with the other kids as well(and hates it that someone actually loves me), but she is the only light in my dark world and the only joy in my life. She is the one thing that keeps me going. One of her online friends on a live online game also said them and their sister get “whipped” by their parents and it concerned me so I had her ask them if they’ve told a teacher and they said they did but that they didn’t care so then I started to wonder….and then they said the teacher whips them,too,and that their friend gets whipped as well so then I didn’t believe it and  now think they’re just making it up but at first it concerned me but I’m not nosey and not the type of person to report people on mere accusations without proof and destroy their life, either,and you can’t believe everything you see online and in the end it looked like they were just telling stories.

My hubby also blamed me that I can’t wake up the 18 YR old even though he is impossible to wake up. I try so many times and keep going up to wake him up but he just won’t wake up and keeps going back to sleep but he blames me and says I “Just give up too easily” and I hate it he always does that; always twists it around and turns everything around back onto me and blames me just like my mother does, but I don’t need him calling me “whore”, “bitch”, “c*nt”, etc. either just because I’m trying to wake him up. I don’t need that, I really don’t; I’m tired of always being insulted,disrespected, and being called vile names, and I also don’t need to be told everything’s my fault all the time either and to always be blamed for everything. I honestly don’t know why I even bother.I put up with this shit day in and day out and live with this shit every day and it’s just beaten me down.

I hate my life.