Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

Screenshot_1059

Thanx for reading.

Slices Of Life.

Screenshot_482 This is so weird: I must be really losing it: I was looking on my daily calendar I have on my computer and I noticed I’d had noted I’d had something checked off that I’d done on 19 September but then I thought to myself, Well, how can that be possible? It’s not even the 19th yet! That’s not until next week….am I in some sort of time warp, or what? and so I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend this and I just sat there staring at the calendar and then it finally hit me, Oh, wait a minute….we’re already into the last week of September! The 19 was last week! Generally I don’t know what day it is(Like, What day is today, anyway? Is it Wednesday or Thursday?) but this has taken it to a whole new level. I’m such a space cadet. It was funny as well the 17 YR old had just walked in the door coming back from work and then she went out again(I presume to the corner store or something quick) which I wasn’t aware of…..only to walk right back in the door again less than 10 minutes later and when I asked Who is that? Who are all these people that keep coming thru our door? the 11 YR old said it was her and when I said she’d already came back he cracked, It’s The Second Coming.

My friend A (from Ottawa) his aunt(who is originally from Chile along with the rest of the family but she now lives in Ottawa) also turned 100 years old and the Ambassador of Chile came and visited her and brought her flowers and a commemorative plaque! How cool is that? She lives in a nursing home now and the poor woman’s so frail now she’s in a wheelchair with her head crooked to one side but I still remember her from over some 30 years ago, and she made the BEST turkey stuffing ever! We had Christmas dinner at their house one year and it was amazing. It was sad too how my friend told me how she had a Great Love once but he was killed in the war and after that she stayed a spinster. They always called her Tia, Spanish for Aunty.

Buddy’s lump under his eye also looks bigger again now, leading to me wonder if it might be an allergy or plugged sinus as if it was a tumour of some sort it wouldn’t keep getting bigger and  smaller and then disappearing and then coming back and then getting smaller again and then bigger…..it would just stay there permanantly and keep growing bigger. I’m also trying bit by bit, piece by piece, to try and connect with the person I once was, the Old Me that was happy and knew how to laugh and smile and have fun, sort of like trying to find my Inner Child again in a way, to reconnect with who I was, who I used to be, who I miss and wish I was again in which feels like almost another life, ages ago, before all the traumas, before all the brokenness, before all the damage.

Now the 15 and 17 YR old are playing on my worries, anxieties,and fears as well by saying that the 19 YR old’s BF is a typical arrogant rich boy and that he’s not a nice or a good person and he’s just like all her other friends, implying  good-looking, popular, mean, elitist, looking down on others less attractive or deemed less “worthy”, and bullying, the exact kind I can’t stand, the exact kind that tormented and bullied me in school, the exact way I did NOT raise my kids to be OR to hang out with and they also said that he doesn’t ‘let’  her be with her friends which concerns me and is a red-flag warning to posessive, controlling behaviour and an indication of future abusive behaviour/ domestic violence as they  first isolate the victim.

I’ve only met him briefly, once, when he picked her up, only for a couple of minutes, but my hubby’s spent some time with him so I asked him what his impression was and all he said when I asked if there’s any actual truth to it or if they’re just trying to start drama and to make me worry was He’s, well…..different from us…. and when I asked how, different in what way, he goes, I don’t know….just….different but knowing him that might just mean that he’s cultured, polite,and has manners or something,too, or maybe he’s  just neater, or more ordered or something, less chaotic or messy as compared to us., in a good way…or, maybe the guys’ just normal and doesn’t come from a weird, crazy family like ours and he doesn’t know what to make of it ?Why do they keep doing things like this to me though? Why do they keep saying things they know will cause me panic, distress, worry, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and so on? it’s just not right,and it’s cruel, is what it is and I’m just left not ever knowing what’s true and what isn’t and even now the kids are older and away from home with their own lives I don’t stop worrying about them I just can’t do anything about it anymore to try and protect them and keep them safe(other than prayers)…..and that’s what really worries me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

So now I worry I may(assuming what I’ve been told is even true, that is…) have 2 kids that sell drugs and another in an unhealthy possibly abusive relationship on top of all the other shit in my life and stress. No wonder I have high BP and stomach ulcers!!

Holy Shit, Our Old House!

OldHouseNow

This photo appeared in the Toronto Star newspaper following the massive storm the other day(we got 29 mm rain in just 20 minutes and 90 km wind) and when I saw it I exclaimed, That’s my old house! It never gave the exact address but I recognized it right away. It just has a few changes(new windows at the front livingroom and brick border along the lawn) over the past 35 years or so but I’d recognize it anywhere and in the news article it did say it was in the Upper Beaches area which was where we lived and on the TV news they said the worst of the storm damage hit Gerrard and Woodbine Sts and that’s our old neighbourhood so it must be! When I look closer at the photo in more detail the garage at the back and the neighbour’s next door is the same as well so it must be our old house!

When we lived there(the house was 85 when we lived there) my mother and I always wondered if and when that big tree in the front of the house might come crashing down one day onto the house during a storm…..well, it looks like it finally has, along with tearing up the entire lawn with it. I showed my mother this photo and she agreed that it sure looks like our old house and she thinks it is too.It was the strangest thing though, to see my old house in the newspaper, and to see what happened to it after that big storm. Hopefully whoever lives there now has insurance that will cover it. When we moved I know a doctor bought it but I don’t know who might have it now; I’m sure it must have gone thru a few owners since 1984 when I left.

As well, the 15 YR old starts her new job today but it’s not actually a job technically since it’s volunteer. It’s working at a thrift store(I call the Peasant Store) that sells second-hand stuff run by Bibles For Missions, and I hope she likes it and it will be good for her; good for her to get out and socialize, good for her confidence and hopefully help in her recovery which is going really well, and I transplanted my sunflowers outside into the garden and I hope they take root and grow strong and survive and don’t end up trampled by the raccoons, dug up by the squirrels, eaten by the birds or bugs, etc.and my hubby told me the second-oldest wants to get a motorcycle and has ever since she was 16. I remember when my friend G used to take me out for rides on his motorcycle when I was 21. It was so much fun, so exhilarating and I just loved it.My mother’s MRI is also booked for the third week of July and she laments, I don’t think I can hold on that long….. and maybe also by then it will just  resolve and heal up by itself and there won’t even be anything left to show up on the MRI so she still won’t find out what’s causing her pain!

My hubby also chewed me out because I forgot to put the oven mitt back in the kitchen when I took it into another room to carry hot food even though I’m the one busy doing all the cooking, laundry, washing dishes, doing garbage and recycling, etc. while he does nothing around the house so if it really bothers him that much then he can put it away himself, or else he can do all my  work instead while I take the time to put the oven mitt away, the bastard! It’s like he looks for every little thing he can find to criticize me and put me down for, to pick apart and tear me apart and he jumps at every single thing I do wrong or forget in order to mock, berate and demean me. He also had the kids clean their mess in the rec-room preparing to move and they’re throwing everything out, even perfectly good toys and clothes that could be donated to the less-fortunate and it makes me sad; we spent good money on them and they just throw them out? Things should be divided into 3 piles: throw out, keep, and donate, but they just blindly throw everything out(because it’s faster and easier) without even checking to see what it is or who it belongs to.

The Dress.

Screen Shot 04-08-17 at 05.18 PM  Here’s the pretty dress the 17 YR old had custom made to wear to her friend’s graduation. It finally came and it’s so pretty!It looks even nicer in real life than in the photo. You can’t see as much from the photo but the bodice and waist has pretty beads and sequins on it and it’s a pretty lilac colour and the inside is all lined in a pretty satin. It goes all the way down to her ankles. It’s also something you would wear to a Prom, a gala event, as a bridesmaid, to the Academy Awards, etc. I bet she’s going to look really pretty in it,too, like a princess!!

As well, I continue to lose weight, and I found out that Buddy, that little smuggler, that little thief, has a secret stash of mini Bretton crackers hidden under the couch and another one under a desk in the rec-room, and when I asked the 13 YR old what she did on her youth group weekend activity she gave her typical response, shrugged and grunted a hmmmpppffff… and so I said, well, what did you do? Did you do crafts, board games,sacrifice a virgin, worship the Dark Lord Satan….? and at least I got a bit of a smile out of her; I saw it slip thru her face before she had a chance to hide it! I know she’s still in there somewhere and I made contact! 😀

I also really enjoy it with my mother away for the weekend as it’s a nice break for me as well without her here always over-ruling, undermining,and sabotaging me, and without her here always being mean to my dog; yelling at him, shooing him away, telling him to get lost and trying to kick him, and always being critical, nasty, hateful to me and blaming me for everything and always coddling ,excusing,and over-indulging the 10 YR old and always interfering, meddling, over-stepping boundaries, turning my kids against me, controlling everything, taking over everything, butting-in, etc… I had a nice quiet, peaceful, stress-free weekend without her. Now if only both her and my hubby could go away at the same time…..

Abused.

 

Screen Shot 04-05-17 at 07.17 PM 001 After my hubby kept hitting me (and it kept increasing harder and harder) yesterday during our fight over the car radio and I really had some time after to think about it, the impression came into my head I’m being abused. Emotional abuse has now become physical abuse. It’s escalating. (although there were a couple of times before,too, over the YRS, where he’d roughly and forcefully grabbed my arm and twisted it hard when he was mad at me about something but generally his abuse is emotional, mental, and psychological….which, BTW, is bad enough, it’s life-sucking, soul-crushing and draining)

I’ve just become so accustomed to it, so numb to the way he and my mother (and kids; as they “mirror” their behaviour towards me and they copy it, thinking that’s how you’re supposed to treat Mama; put her down, insult her, blame her, belittle her, devalue and demean her, disrespect her, ignore her, dismiss her, trivialize her, bully her, gang-up on her, berate her, criticize her, tear her down, push her away,etc…) treat me, and it’s just my everyday daily life with my family that I don’t think anything of it, I’m so used to it, but then I thought if it were reversed and I was reading someone else’s blog and saw that their family constantly treated them like my family does to me ,and how it broke them and took away everything that they once were it would just break my heart and I would feel so badly for them, yet when it’s my own self I just live it each day trying my best to survive and make it thru each day the best that I can while I pray for death to bring me blessed relief and escape where I can find happiness, peace,and love, because realistically I know I have no money, no job skills, no support, nowhere to go,and no other way to escape to get out of this toxic environment, otherwise I would be gone so fast…. if only I had $$$$, support,and somewhere I could safely go.What am I supposed to do? I’m not going to live on the street!

It also got me thinking: maybe I’m really  not so depressed afterall, and maybe not even crazy,either, but just abused and this is just the side-effects of what they’ve done to me over all the YRS? My hubby I noticed his emotional abuse started when I was prego with our first child but then it increased and got worse over the YRS and my mother’s began after I had my second child, with her meddling, over-stepping boundaries ,over-ruling and undermining me, taking over with my kids and ganging up siding with them and my hubby against me, and the kids start once they get closer to the teen YRS, and maybe it’s just easier for them to call me crazy and say I’m the problem than to take some responsibility for what they’ve done and their contribution to it? I think they call it victim blaming.

Asshole.

Screen Shot 04-04-17 at 04.47 PM I found this funny thing on Facebook that I put on my page and several of my friends and I had such fun with it and it was hilarious and you should try it out: you have to replace one word in a movie title with asshole and here’s what we came up with:

Back To The Asshole

Asshole Bueller’s Day Off

The Shawshank Asshole

Asshole Club

The Dark Asshole

The Good, The Bad, And The Asshole

American History Asshole

Finding Asshole

Coming to Asshole

No Country For Old Assholes

Asshole,Where Art Thou?

Bridges Of Asshole County

Raging Asshole

A Clockwork Asshole

Silence Of The Asshole

Fantastic Assholes And Where To Find Them

Forrest Asshole

Asshole Redemption

Beauty And The Asshole

Snow White And The Seven Assholes

Places In The Asshole

My Best Asshole’s Wedding

Dirty Asshole

Raiders Of The Lost Asshole

Asshole Movie

Little Orphan Asshole

Clash Of The Assholes

The Asshole House

Asshole The Next Generation.

 

Speaking of assholes, on the way to the eating disorders clinic my hubby purposely blasted redneck sports really loud on the car radio just to piss me off, knowing I hate it and that I was captive, “hostage” in the van with nowhere to go to escape it and he just did it to annoy me as he always does things to provoke me, and when I tried to turn it off he kept slapping my hand out of the way, harder and harder each time and blared it even louder and told me to get out of the car….and we were on the highway! I told him to just use the earphones so that he could listen to it if he wanted to but so I wouldn’t have to hear it but he wouldn’t have any of it, proving he did just do it to aggravate me. He’s such a bully and I also found out that there’s even actually a term for the way he abuses me and how he twists it around and turns it onto me and makes me question my own sanity,too: it’s called gaslighting. It’s actually a real thing! Words really can’t even begin to describe how much regret I have for ever settling for him; he’s ruined my life.

Good news though: the 13 YR old is improving just as I had suspected: she gained 800 g this week and their target goal is 500 g a week! They also started her on anti-anxiety meds to help with her moods and “distorted thinking” and one of the side-effects is increased appetite too which will also be helpful! As well, I saw this character on one of the kids’ video games with really massive masculine muscular legs ,arms,and abs and I commented, That’s hot! and then they all started laughing at me as apparantly it was a girl but I never knew; it certainly didn’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen; it looked like a dude so now they’re razzing me I have a lesbian crush  and it was my inner lesbian coming out and it’s just so humiliating and embarrassing and they keep bringing it up and I’ll never live this down. I honestly did think it was a guy though….now I feel so stupid and, of course, they know exactly which “buttons” to push to humiliate me and tear me down even more and to make me feel even worse about myself than I already do and they take advantage of it.

Don’t Know.

Screen Shot 03-31-17 at 04.33 PM

I don’t know what to post about today so I decided to just write about how I’m feeling, what’s happening and how things are going. My weed came just a day after I ordered it, the quickest yet( usually it takes about 3 days) but this time I used a courier instead of the shitty mail and they delivered it right to the door and I had to sign for it like I’m supposed to, so from now on I’ll always use the courier, and it comes from just outside Toronto which is just 2 HRS away so it really shouldn’t take too long to arrive! Regular shipping was 10$ and the courier was only  14 $ so it’s well worth the extra 4$ more to actually get good service!

As well, I still keep hearing Stairway To Heaven every day since my prayer, now it’s been 9 or 10 days in a row and yesterday I even heard it twice, in the morning on my iPod playing randomly and at night on my radio, so it would seem to be an ongoing yes as an answer to my prayer, as a sign I am going to die soon, and my hubby and the 15 YR old are near Toronto this weekend for her cheerleading  competition and they’re staying at the second-oldest’s place, who lives in Toronto so they get to visit her,too.

Before they left I also sent my hubby to the store to get more soy milk for the 13 YR old ( she has a milk allergy like all the girls and myself do) as with her eating disorder she needs it  for calcium and protein to replace milk and I told him specifically  to get soy milk….and the dumb-ass comes back with almond milk, which has no soy in it and even says right on the front of the container not a source of protein and that the nutritionist specifically told us not to get almond milk because it’s basically useless and of no nutritional value! For someone supposedly so smart he can just be so incredibly stupid! To say that I was mad would be an understatement! He’s such a tool!

My mother also had the nerve to say that I don’t do anything when I was the one who raised all the kids, nursed them as babies, did all the housework and cooking and homeschooling all on my own all day  while both her and my hubby were at work, even while pregnant, even with morning sickness, even with newborns, even nursing…..and I homeschooled all the kids for 25 years,too (which is an entire career) but I’ve basically “retired” now as I only teach up to Jr. High and then they’re more independent and my hubby has to do the math because I can’t do math,and my health has been worsening since the summer but how dare she say I do nothing! Unlike her, I’ve always been home with my kids and I raised them myself and didn’t farm them off to strangers to raise like she did with me( ever since I was 6 weeks old!!) and it was hard and challenging work and I dedicated my life to my family! So having 11 kids, raising kids and homeschooling them and running a house is nothing? Well, f*ck you, bitch! Just for that I should rub her toothbrush in my butt-crack!….sweet revenge.  😀