Wilted.

Screenshot_16

This is one of my new sunflowers I just bought the other day, already wilted and droopy, dying. Usually they last longer, up to a week. When I saw this flower, it made me think how much it symbolizes me: how  I always feel so:

weary

droopy

sagging

defeated

downcast

broken

despairing

given up

wounded

life-beaten

worn

battle-scarred

wilted.

w

i

l

t

e

d

Warrior.

Screenshot_1176 I was thinking how I’ve always wanted to escape from myself and my life, to be someone else, to run away from myself, to reinvent myself, to start over, to be a different person, to get away from who I am, to not be that same person that was bullied, victimized, and abused, to not be her, to be someone different, to erase the past hurts, trauma,and pain, to move past, to get rid of who I was, to be another person, etc? I just realized why? What exactly am I running from? What am I so ashamed of? What do I so desperately need to escape? What do I need to forget and reinvent? Why do I have to not be her anymore? Why do I need to change? What do I have to be so afraid of?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, and, in fact, I was the victim. It wasn’t my fault that I’ve been molested, abused, bullied, rejected, victimized most of my life, and had a life of constant trauma, misfortune, crisis,despair, disappointment, and unhappiness. In fact, I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I have fought many battles and I have won. I have come out victorious. I have fought, been knocked down, defeated, beaten down,and come back up again,even stronger. I am like the phoenix rising from the flames. I am battle-scarred, beaten,and weary, but I’m still standing. I am still alive. I am still here. I have survived. I am victorious. I am a victorious warrior who has fought many battles in life and I’ve endured and I’ve survived and I’ve won. The battles have come and gone but I’m still here. 

She’s a warrior and there’s no shame in that.She was forced to fight to survive, to defend herself, in battles she did not choose. She did nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide, nothing to run away from. I am still her, that same little girl I always was, that same homely, awkward, lonely, weird kid that never fit in and that was always singled out for ridicule and attack,and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with being her and now I’m also grown up and I’m a seasoned warrior . I can protect her now and I don’t have to be scared to be her anymore. I can be her, embrace her, accept her, take pride in her, forgive her, understand her,defend her, and not have to be ashamed of her, hide from her, or run from her.

Screenshot_1175 I also got sunflowers! My mother picked them up at the grocery. I just love them. My cousins are also on their way back home to Europe and did so many things while they were here and had a good holiday,and my hubby’s also giving away lots of our furniture(he even wants to get rid of the nice brass bed we’ve had since I was 18,too,and to me it has sentimental value) and packing up boxes of stuff off shelves and bookcases like we’re moving except that we have no place to go to; we haven’t put the house up yet and have nowhere to move to so I think it’s mostly just wishful thinking now on his part as my mother’s only going to agree to move at this point if we can save $$$$$ and down-size, getting more $$$$ selling this place as well as enough for moving expenses than we’ll have to put out buying another house and it doesn’t look like that’s very likely going to happen.Also: frying up liver for Buddy I had to wear full-face goggles to cover up my nose so I wouldn’t smell the revolting stench and puke. We have a warning for funnel-clouds in the area as well so maybe we’ll get a tornado? It would be weird if I died today though as 29 July is a special day for me as it was on 29 July 1979 I got my first dog. ♥

Carrier.

Alpha1New  I saw the gastro specialist and got my test results: no blockages or scar tissue(from my gallbladder surgery) obstructing my bile ducts….but the genetic testing did come back positive: it turns out I am a carrier ( I inherited one of the defective genes from one of my parents. If I inherited two; that is, one from each, I would have a much more severe case) for the Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency, meaning my liver lacks the enzyme it needs for itself and the lungs in order for proper functioning, explaining my liver(eg. elevated enzymes, liver failure with my last pregnancy and Obstetric Cholestasis, gallbladder issues, abdomenal pain,etc.) and breathing issues and increasing risk for me to also have other related liver and lung conditions, interestingly also aneurysms, which I once had a dream was going to be my eventual cause of death: an abdomenal aortic aneurysm. The doctor said it’s also worsened by smoking( but I smoke weed rarely; I generally use the cannabis oil) and as I’m a carrier my kids have a 50% chance of also being carriers of the defective gene themselves, unless, of course, my hubby also happens to have passed on the same thing, although that’s highly unlikely as it’s fairly rare….that’s me, I’m always that rare one-out-of-a – million, unlikely statistic….

When I announced this to my mother a scowl came across her face in denial and the first words out of her mouth were a curt, Well, that must have come from your father’s side!! although the more I think about it I think it’s more likely that it actually came from her side of the family since there are several relatives on her side that have had both liver and gallbladder issues,incl. even cancers, and besides, she’s the one with the genetic issues given the inbreeding with both her grandparents and great-grandparents, both of whom married first and second cousins, so there’s also that… in any case, there’s no “cure”; just something chronic that I have to live with and I just try and manage the symptoms, such as milk thistle can ease the liver, diet(some people find wheat, gluten, or dairy-free helps them, or less gassy foods) can help with my IBS, Benadryl for the itching,etc.

This also explains why my entire life I’ve had breathing problems, get short of breath, am exerted easily, have that nagging cough,tightness in chest, etc. and this proves those gym teachers in school wrong who always accused me of just faking it, pretending I had a breathing problem when I said I can’t run around the gym or I get out of breath, dizzy and faint and will pass out…..they said it was just an excuse, and even my own family does as well and accuse me of just being fat and lazy and inventing some imaginary breathing problem as an excuse (why I can’t walk far, run up and down the stairs, do strenous stuff,etc.) but now I have validation, actual proof, a definitive diagnosis, an answer, an explanation. My hubby was happy as well less medical appt’s now too he has to drive me to because apparantly it’s such a big effort, hassle, burden, and time and effort for him to take the time to take me, even though he also takes my mother to all her appt’s and the kids to all their activities and has no problem with it….but anything for me is always such a problem….

My hubby also said he applied for another job but it’s in Ottawa so if he gets it we’d have to move closer to there so he can drive into the city there for work but due to our past trauma there we can’t live directly in Ottawa itself, but rather in another township nearby in close vicinity but not exactly in Ottawa, and besides, after the trauma we endured there I can never go back there again, let alone move back there and live there; that would certainly set back my healing and recovery and completely undo whatever progress I might have made over the years since we left. I just wouldn’t feel safe there anymore,anyway.

When I came back home after my app’t Buddy was so happy to see me as well; he always runs over and is excited but this time he was even crying when I came in the door; he was whining, running around in circles, wagging his tail furiously it was going ’round and ’round in circles like a propeller, jumping up at my legs for me to pick him up, it was so sweet and it was so nice to be missed and to be greeted like that. I know he loves me. ♥The 11 YR old said he was sad and mopey the entire time I was gone as well and just sat there on the stair landing or in front of the front door, head hung down, sulking, forlorn, waiting for me to come home.

 

Officially Stupid.

Screen Shot 01-05-18 at 06.03 PM So now the CT scan showed I have White Matter Disease, basically a degenerative brain decline, most likely caused by my high BP, it explains why I struggle with problem solving, have trouble understanding stuff, need things repeated, am forgetful, have difficulty with certain concepts, struggle with everything, am out of focus, get confused, etc..(on top of my Asperger’s which has already made everything a struggle for me). and it only gets worse and my family has always made fun of me and belittled me, calling me stupid and shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, face-palming, etc. showing their displeasure, frustration, annoyance, condesending remarks, disbelief, etc.. at my ineptness, incompetence, lack of intelligence and understanding and inability, at my comments, etc.. yet now I have an official medical diagnosis and reason why. I have a reason.

I’m not just stupid I’m officially stupid, officially medically diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder that’s causing brain and memory decline, I’m not just doing it on “purpose” to annoy them and I haven’t always been this bad and I’ve lost what little “smarts” I did used to have before. I wonder how that makes them feel now though; for making fun of me and putting me down for something I can’t help and have no control over, for bullying and being intolerant of a disease, a disability, that I can’t help? They probably still don’t feel badly, regret it, or care though, since they’ve always hated me, blamed me, and berated me for my Asperger’s, bipolar, and social phobia as well, also disabilities that they mock me for but I are beyond my control; it’s like making fun of handicapped people,like a blind guy , someone with Down Syndrome, or in a wheelchair, which they also do. The 23 YR old joked I officially have half a brain now but it’s like a senior with dementia or Alzheimer’s; they can’t help it and it’s just sad to see someone’s mind and memory slipping away, to see them lose who they are and to struggle with simple tasks they could once do, or wandering off and getting lost, forgetting their own address(I forget my phone number all the time and mixed up my postal code the other day and never know what day it is), not recognizing family, etc. and it’s something that needs compassion and understanding, not mocking and criticism,and besides, we’re all going to get old someday and decline.

My hubby said now I’m losing my mind and the way he said it and the way he looked at me I could tell he just seemed so….disgusted and fed up. How does he think I feel? My only hope is that either I die before it gets too bad or at least that I forget all the shit in my life and all the trauma, bad luck, and horrible things I’ve had in my life; that I’ll reach the point I won’t even know who I am or what’s happened in my life or how my family treats me. Maybe that’s the gift God’s giving me, the blessing, the answer to my prayer? Maybe He’s not removing all the shit from my life or removing me from my life but rather instead He’s removing my memory of it? Maybe that’s the key to my happiness? If I don’t remember, I will no longer be scarred and broken.

The diarrhrea and rectal bleeding is also back again(and with a vengeance!) as well and I don’t mean just a little…..and the abdomenal pain and cramps with it are so bad it’s the kind of pain that just makes you curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and curl your toes, and every time the shit squirts out I could see the blood gush out with it, and the toilet bowl’s filled a bright red and looks like someone’s dumped a bunch of cherry Kool-Aid in there so I wonder if the colon polyps are back again? It’s also – 42 C yesterday and today with the wind-chill; bone-chilling cold and too cold for human existance, and when I commented online about a woman going topless at a festival who complained when she got groped and I said walking around like that with her boobs hanging out what does she expect someone accused me of being a man with a rapist mentality until I told them, No….I’m actually a woman, so wrong! It’s like dangling meat in front of a dog and then acting surprised when it snatches it….while I agree that men shouldn’t rape I also think that women shouldn’t be teases either; it works both ways.

I also had this ongoing argument with my mother and hubby about what defines “fast food”:  they say any pre-cooked, pre-prepared food qualifies even if purchased from the grocery store, such as rotisserie chicken, chicken strips, subs, etc. but I say it has to actually come from a restaurant, not a store, otherwise it’s just groceries; it’s just regular food, not fast food and so I went online to check official definitions of “fast food”…..and I was right! They all said it has to come from a  “restaurant” or kiosk. So, HA!!Suck it!!

 

Old Hippie.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.59 PM I’m an old hippie. Or a Next Generation Hippie. Or a recycled Hippie. I’ve always been a free spirit and embraced the Hippie culture and mindset of peace, love, anti-war, anti-gun,and anti-violence, and with my newfound love for weed, and I love all things tie-dye, peasant blouses, bohemian-style clothing, flowers in my hair, groovy 60’s music, psychedelic patterns, etc. I would have loved to have been at Woodstock; I think it would have been just epic but I was only 2 YRS old.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM 001was born in 1967 near the end of the hippie period but I was born with it in my blood, and have always  had the hippie spirit, vibe, soul, and mindset. It even meshes nicely with my Communist background as hippies as well were into communal living and sharing everything they owned, and when you really think about it so was Jesus and His followers, it sounds like Jesus was a Hippie and a Marxist to me. I can still even remember my first tie-shirt shirt when I was 2 years old. I loved that thing so much, even then, and I’ve had a succession of tie-dyed shirts in various sizes ever since. Currently I’m looking for a pair of tie-dyed socks but they’re seemingly impossible  to find unless I go online and pay 3 times as much for shipping as I do for the actual item itself! By then it’ll end up costing me 60$!!

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM I still remember the time too when my BFF and I were 12 and that time we dressed up as hippies and took the streetcar downtown and everyone kept staring at us. It was awkward but fun. We were decked out wearing tie-dye shirts, suede fringed vests, bandanas, large “Peace” sign necklaces, ripped jeans and Jesus sandals. It was hilarious and we had so much fun. I’ll never forget that.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.41 AM I remember in school that 2 of my friends’ parents were hippies as well: J’s parents in grade 2 and T’s parents in grade 5, and it was fun hanging out at their house and going to their birthday parties as their parents were so easy-going, cool, nice, approachable, fun, and friendly, and they had cool furnishings too such as beanbag chairs,beads in the doorways, and lava lamps. and one of my own cousins when I was young was a hippie,too: he was 20 at the time and even had the long hair that my uncle hated and always told him to cut off.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.40 AM As well, on weed I had a “revelation”, an awakening, or an insight, or whatever you want to call it, that death is merely the transferring of matter from one dimension to another (similar to tele-porting) and changing of matter from one property(physical) to another( spiritual) and that the matter still exists and continues on, just somewhere else and in a different form. The 18 YR old’s also all packed up, excited,and ready to go to her dorm/residence in Ottawa this weekend,too, but I won’t be going along, for one thing I can never go back to Ottawa again after what happened there with our enemy and the trauma I endured; it was too traumatizing and I never want to go there ever again as it will only bring back flashbacks and bad traumatic memories. I never want to see that place ever again.

Sensitive.

Screen Shot 08-26-17 at 06.58 PM  Due to a lifetime of always being bullied, picked on, criticized, victimized, abused, hated, taunted, rejected, ridiculed, and excluded it had made me very sensitive and fragile. Hippos are normally thick-skinned but not this one. I have a very thin skin and so now every criticism hits me really hard and I have a really hard time with it because it’s all I’ve ever had my entire life, hate, blame, criticism, never being good enough, never measuring up, always failing, always struggling but never being good enough, always falling short, always messing up no matter how hard I try, etc…and my Asperger’s and Bipolar only complicates things and makes it even worse. My best way to try and avoid being hurt is trying to stay away from people and situations that will likely cause trouble and to avoid conflict and stay away from people.

Generally people can take a bit of criticism and it just rolls off their back but for me it’s devastating as it’s just yet one more on top of many,many others,piling up, never ending,drilled into my head,non-stop, that keep on reminding me what a failure I am, how worthless and useless I am, and it’s hard NOT to take it personally when it is directed at me,too, such as You always make everything worse! You keep doing the same stupid things over and over! You’re so stupid! You’re the problem! No one loves you! No one cares what you think! which is a small sample of some of the things my family have said to me. It really breaks my spirit, shatters my heart and crushes my self-esteem. I’ve been put down and constantly told that I’m worthless, stupid, useless, and that no one loves me or wants me around, and then they wonder why I’m so broken, fragile, and sensitive to criticism? You know, people, a little bit of kindness, compassion, love, support, and understanding  go a long way.

As well, it seems ever since the 18 YR old got back from camp that she’s more “distant” from the 14 and 16 YR old, that she doesn’t spend time with them like she used to and doesn’t hang out with them as much anymore, almost as if she’s “outgrown” them, or thinks she’s too “old” now or too “cool” now to hang out with the younger kids, but I guess it will make it easier for them when she leaves for school next week at least. I also caught the 14 YR old trying to hide food at her meals; once trying to hide part of her muffin in the muffin wrapper or “skin” by wrapping part of it up  hidden in there and leaving it behind on the table only I saw it( she forgets that I used to be a kid once too and I know all the tricks for hiding and disposing of disgusting and unwanted food, mostly beans,broccoli, and Brussels sprouts) , and my mother found part of her bagel with cream cheese on it from her snack stuck to the kitchen floor as well although that could also have been from when she stuck it to the side of the dog,too, and it fell off. Don’t ask.

My friend J in Ottawa is also on vacation and going to Vegas like he always does and he retires soon too just like my friend I did as they both work for the gov’t and you can retire after 25 YRS and get a good pension and then still go on to find another job somewhere else in the private sector. Most of my friends in Ottawa work for the gov’t, actually, and  there when someone says they work for the gov’t no one ever asks what they do, what dept. or for more details; they just leave it at that because lots of times they’re not allowed to say.It’s just understood. Lots of secrecy and cloak and dagger stuff. Classified and all that. Everyone just “works for the gov’t”. No one really knows doing what.

My Entire Being.

Screen Shot 06-12-17 at 08.10 AM The 14 YR old still continues to be hostile to me and yet I have no idea why and she won’t talk to me, tell me why or discuss it, so I have no idea what I may have done or what she thinks I might have done and no way to resolve it if she refuses to discuss it. She once again yelled, Stop talking! Don’t talk to me! just as she does every time I say anything,  and I asked her, What’s your problem? Why can’t I even talk to you anymore? to which she snorted, None of your business! well, it is sort of my business, and I do at least deserve an explanation as to why she’s treating me like this, freezing me out, why she’s “turned” on me, why she won’t speak to me or let me talk to her, why she’s so mouthy, hostile, disrespectful and mean to me, and when I told her, All I ever did was love you! I never did anything to you! she scoffed, Yeah, right! I just wish I knew what’s going on in her head, what she’s thinking, why she’s acting this way, as I have absolutely no idea and I deserve some answers, esp. as we used to be so close.

My hubby says I talk too much and I have to talk in short sentences to her but that, and that I’ve been told I repeat myself and keep saying the same things over annoys people so it could be that, but it’s also due to my Asperger’s,too, and I’m not even aware that I’m doing it, and I don’t think it’s fair to be blamed and hated for something I can’t help and that I have no control over, and the kids don’t blame and hate my hubby for his multiple personalities(even though when he has an “episode” and any one of the 12 different personalities comes out or he goes catatonic it’s very distressing) yet they do blame and hate me for my depression, bipolar, and Asperger’s, even though neither of us can help being what we are, yet for some reason he gets a “free pass” but I get insulted, belittled, criticized, shamed, berated, bullied, and called everything from lazystupid, and annoying  and I don’t think it’s fair or right.That’s just who I am, my entire being. They hate me for being me.

My theory? I wonder if maybe she’s taking her anger out on me and resents me because with her eating disorder I’m the one that plans out, organizes, prepares, serves, and records on her chart all her meals  in her “re-feeding” program and makes sure she eats at certain times, even though I’m just trying to help her, doing my job, out of love and concern, and my mother said When she acts like this it makes it hard to want to help her, and I also wonder if there’s something more to it as well, something deeper, that caused it all to begin with, some sort of trigger, that caused her to become so broken, damaged, to self-harm, and starve herself, to become so withdrawn and suicidal, and to completely change her personality like that; was she perhaps raped or something at Cadets camp and never told anyone or dealt with it and just kept it all inside, all to herself over the past 2 YRS or something? I mean, was there some kind of trauma she endured that she’s kept secret this whole time that might explain everything but that she refuses to talk about? If only she would talk to us and tell us what’s going on and then she can truly heal…..

As well, I’m also disillusioned from finding out so many secrets the kids have had hidden from me that I had no idea was going on in their lives; secret lives they’ve been living I was oblivious to, I was lead to believe one thing and they were actually doing completely different things, and they turned out not to be the people I thought they were which was shocking to discover and also hurt as they were keeping all these aspects of their lives hidden, such as some of them have smoked weed( and this was before my medical cannabis almost 2 YRS ago, so I’m not the “bad influence) had sex, self harmed, been suicidal, attempted suicide, have eating disorders, etc. and all this time I thought they were normal, happy, well-adjusted, good problem-free ,righteous kids that stayed out of trouble, so when I found out otherwise I was just shattered, just gutted. No one ever tells me anything and our family is so good at hiding and keeping secrets. It started off as survival, having to be secretive around other people, but I guess it became so engrained, such a part of our lives, that it’s become second-nature and now they’re even keeping secrets and hiding from us,too.

My family has destroyed me.

As well, I saw my fave. priest after Mass, and he asked me Did it wear off yet? and I had no idea what he was referring to,and at first I thought he must have meant the weed from the day before( what else could it be?) but when I asked, Did what wear off? he said my tan from Cuba and I told him, Noooo, I’m still outside to maintain it! and he told me something interesting too: he never learned to swim! So now that’s 3 people I’ve met in life that can’t swim: my mother, my hubby, and now him,too! It’s such an odd thing to me though, not knowing how to swim; I’ve always been in the water as long as I can remember, I’m like a fish, and I was already diving off the diving board when I was 6 YRS old! I can’t even imagine not being able to swim; it’s just something everyone learns how to do, and it’s basically a safety thing,too. I love the water!!