Angry.

Screenshot_469 This is what the scrape on my knee looks like from when I fell up the stairs. Angry, nasty-looking thing, huh?I think it must be getting infected( despite cleaning and disinfecting it and keep ing a Band-Aid over it several times a day) as it looks angry, red, and oozing, and it hurts quite alot actually, esp. considering it’s just a scrape, but it’s actually very sore and quite tender, even not having to touch it,and when I turn in bed at night or when my pants even just rub against it, it really hurts. It looks like a a few good layers got torn off. With my virus or whatever reason I’m so run-down tired lately as well it feels like I’m fading away and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled.When I sit down it also feels like I’m sitting on something,too and it hurts a bit, almost like there’s something inside, pressing on either my tail-bone or arse….it’s so weird….maybe that’s why my lower back hurts so much lately? I wonder if I might even have a prolapsed uterus or something?

In Mass yesterday as well I felt like I might pass out a couple of times, and as  people were talking around me I could hear the voices swirling around in my head like I do just before I faint and it was a  close one and  as I stood in line for Communion I literally had to talk myself into keeping it together as well when I could feel a panic attack rising. I had to keep repeating over and over in my head, Just keep walking, just keep following the lady in front of you. No one can tell. Just breathe. I had to keep talking myself thru it. There was this one old guy too that kept staring at me I presume because of my hair and I felt like going up to him and saying Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare; that it’s rude?

It was also a freezing 5 C when I got up and for Buddy’s walk he had to wear a sweater and I had to wear a knit hat, esp. with hardly any hair, and my hubby was spying at my computer  again and he goes, Oh, you’re going to Jamaica? as I had vacation info up on my screen, and I told him, No, I wish, but I can still dream!  I told the 11 YR old as well Americans are nice people, they just have a shitty President,  and he said, What about all the shootings? and I told him, Those are the bad ones, and there’s bad people everywhere you go; the good ones are the ones trying to get rid of the guns!

Screenshot_471 I also noticed that the stalk of one of my sunflowers in the vase on the coffee table was bent and it was falling over; my guess is that one of kids was fooling around and broke it, and it was starting to die and it can no longer absorb water, so I just cut it and all the others down shorter and now it looks like this (seen in the photo here) which turned out nice, so instead of getting me mad which was probably their likely intention, it worked out nice, so ha, ha! The lyrics in that song from The Cure also remind me of my BFF: You make me feel young again, you make you feel whole again, you make you feel fun again, you make me feel home again .Whenever she and I get together it makes me feel like we’re kids again, just like old times, when I was the Old Me, the one that was happy, the one that I lost and wish I could get back again.

My mother also walked into the rec-room and spying all the boxes packed and piled up on the shelves she asked, What’s all this? and I told her how my hubby’s so sure that we’re moving, he’s got it in his head and convinced himself that we are so he’s packing stuff already, but we’ll never be able to de-clutter,anyway; in our house clutter is LIFE, even though we likely won’t because we can’t afford it and it seems now even the 15 YR old has regisned herself to that fact and even said as much the other day, woefully admitting, We’ll probably never move….yup, probably not.

Screenshot_473

All packed and nowhere to go.

Bold, Bald, Badass.

BuzzcutNew Going….going….gone! My Buzz-cut is back! I missed it and was bored with my hair and the Buzz-cut best describes me and my personality so I shaved my head again. This is how I feel(and best express) the Real Me. This is me. I look and feel like the most myself with the Buzz-cut. So far anyway no one in my family has even mentioned it, so either they never even noticed, or (more likely) they did but they can’t say anything without being mean so in that case it’s better not to say anything at all than to say something mean. Alot of other people over the years have liked it though, just random people I’ve come across in life from airline staff, to those in medical settings, or clerks in stores, or even just strangers in the street that approach me and say how “cool” it is, how many people can’t pull off a Buzz-cut but it “suits” me, and how much they love it and how they wish they had the courage to do it too but they’re not “brave” enough. Patti says the shaved look isn’t a flattering style on me but let’s face it here, when you look like I do, nothing is a flattering style; I’m still ugly no matter what I do, so I might as well just do what I like and as long as I like it that’s really all that matters, anyway. I am bold, bald, bodacious,and badass.

My friend P (from grade 6) also had her birthday and her and her BF are in Montego Bay to celebrate; what I wouldn’t give to be in Jamaica right now myself… and my former sister-in-law ( she was married to one of my hubby’s brothers) is getting married next year also in Montego Bay; she’s snagged herself a rich guy this time around ( my mother calls it “moving up” or “trading up”) and I was at her last wedding so I hope she invited me again, and then I get to go to Jamaica,’mon! The 16 YR old’s cheerleading squad also came in Second place at a competition in Kingston over the weekend, and just to worry and panic me the 14 and 16 YR old’s ran outside with Buddy to take him out for a walk but didn’t tell me and then they purposely left both front doors open so I’d see it and panic thinking he ran away….just to be cruel, just to mess with me, just to watch me freak out in panic….only their cruel “prank” didn’t turn out so well as I looked out the door and I saw them with him, scurrying down the street and then heard the 16 YR old exclaim, Oh, no, she saw us! My family is toxic. I really need to get out of this place.

Graduation!!

Graduate The 14 YR old had her LAST appointment at the eating disorders clinic yesterday; she’s been officially discharged and they closed her file; she’s graduated! She’s now 1 pound above her ideal weight  and all her stats are looking good and they commented on how they can clearly notice she looks and seems so much healthier, happier, and better.It’s true; I notice it,too, now there’s a “light” about her, a sparkle, a shine, a glow, a radiance; life. We got a 6 month prescription for the Prozac but they said to end the other medication which bothers me that they’d discharge her first, before having another doctor to follow her up, just in case there are any problems going off the meds( like last time they tried she relapsed) and also just for follow-up care and to re-new meds,etc. as she’s still on the waiting list for a family doctor and it can take months. I also wanted to give her a party to celebrate with balloons, cake, etc. but she said she hates parties.

She’s just doing so well and it’s been 11 months. There were some times, back in the early days, that I’d never thought I’d ever see this day but she’s made so much progress and come so far. That was how it also was when the now 20 YR old had leukemia when he was 7; those earlier days were so dark and just seemed so hopeless and endless I just couldn’t see any light out of the darkness yet now here we are. Thank you, God. As promised for her hard effort, work, progress, and success we went to the Apple store in Kingston right down the street from the hospital and got her the MacBook computer she’s always wanted. She chose the silver and it turns out that it was the last one in that colour in the store. She’s always been “lucky” like that (and she’s always winning prizes and stuff,too) unlike me; I’m the exact opposite! She was just beaming and smiling from ear to ear, she was so happy and it was so nice to see. Damn, those things are expensive though( it took my hubby almost a year to save up) it costs as much as a cruise! She’s earned it though; she’s worked hard, come a long way,and she deserves it.

One of the therapists at the clinic had her baby as well; a girl that weighed…get this…. 11 1/2 pounds, and that’s not a typo! Holy shit….can you imagine? I just cringe thinking about it. That’s not a baby…..that’s a turkey! Of course she had a cesarian for obvious reasons and I’ll bet the baby likely  even broke a record at the hospital too for biggest baby born there! On the way there I also saw a rabbit roadkill on the highway and another as well my hubby and I were arguing over he says is a coyote but I think looks more like a wolf; at first I wondered if it was a dog as it looked like a husky(and it was grey and white) but then I wondered What would a dog be doing way out here on the highway in the middle of nowhere? and it was just next to the forest so I figure likely a wolf as coyotes are more of a brown colour…

I was also contemplating Who am I? In the past I used to define myself as a wife and homeschooling mother but not anymore, not now that the kids are older and there’s this distance between my family and I as they belittle and demean me and continue to push me away, I don’t feel “bonded” to them anymore, and I don’t have a career to define myself by,and even if I did that’s still not who I am; it’s just what I do, and then the answer popped into my head, A child of God.  That’s who I am. I am a child of God. We all are. It just felt like a warm loving embrace from God, a reassurance that He loves me and that I’m not worthless, a nobody, unlovable. I am a child of God. I am made in His Image.I am loved by God. When I walked Buddy at 6 am this crazy old guy at the corner house was also loudly yelling standing out his front porch God’s Name and Dammit! 2-3 times and then went back inside. It was so weird.It was too early to be drunk,too… We have the weirdest people living on our street. We live in Crazytown.

I saw Montego Bay 6 am listed on my hubby’s computer calendar as well ( every app’t he puts on shows up on mine as we share app’t dates on our shared calendar) and I got all excited thinking he had secretly got me a ticket to Jamaica( Bob Marley country!) as a surprise but it turned out it was his friend that’s going….man, I would have loved that, and to which he sniffed, For you it would be a one way ticket! and I replied, That’s what I’d wantI was also talking in the car and he orders me to stop talking and in a put-down, condescending way, sort of how you would to a nattering toddler that just won’t shut up and gets on your one last nerve and he huffs, I was just me being me and I told him, …and you’re just you being you….an asshole! Oh, Dear Lord, what have I ever done to “deserve” this?

 

The Kids.

Screen Shot 01-07-18 at 06.37 PM After reminding them for an entire week to take down the Christmas tree the kids finally did at long last but it seemed like they never would! I already took down the rest of the Christmas decorations in the house and they were the ones that put the tree up so they should be the ones to take it down but they kept refusing saying Christmas should last all year but it’s tacky to leave your tree, lights, or decorations up for too long, and besides, yesterday was Epiphany, officially the end of the Christmas season, and it’s quite simple actually; if you use it, put it back. If you put it up, take it down. They were probably hoping I’d just get fed up and do it myself but why should I have to do it all on my own and my hubby told me to do it too but f*ck that, and I already did my part, plus I also swept and cleaned up the mess left behind once they took the tree down so it’s not like I did nothing.

My hubby said since no one in this house wants to help out( himself incl. and he never put the lights up this year,either) then next year we should just cancel Christmas and not even put up a tree next year(he’s a Grinch!) but he still never backed me up or supported me in getting them to help; he enjoys watching  the kids defy me and watching me squirm and it’s because of him and my mother always over-ruling, under-mining and vetoing me that I don’t have any authority or say in my own home and the kids just ignore me and never do what I tell them  but once my mother also got fed up with it and she threatened to throw the artificial tree, decorations and all, outside and just let someone else take it then they finally did take it down. I’m just so sick and tired of their defiance, disrespect, never doing what they’re told, and of me never having any support and always disregarding everything I say and not having a voice. I really am.I’m just so tired of this shit. The suicidal feelings are back again too and it’s not that I’m giving up, I’ve just had enough and I’m done and I know when to let go.

I remember as well in therapy one day when the 21 year old was there how she said that all the kids “compete” with eachother who’s the sickest and I really found it disturbing and think it must have started when the now 19 year old had leukemia when he was 7 and everything had to be disrupted and shift and was focused around him for 2 1/2 years during treatment and maybe the others felt like they were left out or didn’t get enough attention or something even though we did the best we could and were barely even surviving ourselves just trying to get thru it and at the time he was the one that had the greatest need and needed the most attention,and then later 2 of them developed eating disorders so was it a way to “compete” for the most attention perhaps, whether they realized it or not because whoever is sick at the time the focus is all on them at that moment? I wonder too if the eating disorders might have developed because we’ve always had to “ration” food since it costs so much and there’s so many of us everyone can only have so much to ensure that there’s enough for everyone…. our family’s just so f*cked up…I never should have had kids.

Of all the kids though if I had to choose which one I’d rather be I’d choose the 18 YR old because she’s pretty and has always been popular and been able to make friends easily plus she has a kind heart and she’s a high achiever and a hard worker. She’s also the one that’s the least cruel to me. Of all the kids she also shares my love of art, reading, writing, travel,and chocolate, so we have the most similar interests. No one would ever want to be me though;  don’t even want to be me, and I’d rather be anyone else other than myself, and I wish I was like my friend P(from grade 6) who’s always been pretty and popular and sexy to the guys, and it’s not fair that some people like her attract all the guys when others like me can’t attract anyone.

My friend D (grade 6) is also in the Bahamas and my hubby’s brother is in Hawaii, both of which I’ve also been to and love and would love to be right now, away from the cold, and, in fact, my parents even used to own property in the Bahamas when they were first married, with the plan to retire there later but ended up selling it when they split up but wouldn’t it be great if they still had it….just think….I could be there right now, laying on the beach in the sun, digging my toes in the sand, swimming in the ocean, getting roasted in the sun….oh, my God…instead here I am, freezing my ass off. My FB friend who lives in Australia is also in Germany visiting family and she said it takes her 2 days to get back home,too! Mein Gott!

In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting ahead of me who had this huge golfball-sized lump on the back of his head and I couldn’t stop staring at it the entire time, and they had 12 or so Christmas decor where all of them except one were a glittery, sparkly gold and one alone was a dull silver , different from all the rest, and the different one was the one placed on my pew, the row where I always sit and I found it kind of symbolic in a way as it reminded me of myself; I’m the dull, unattractive one, different from the rest, the one that stands out, not like the others.

E-Coli.

Screen Shot 01-06-18 at 06.35 PM I have a possible theory as to what might be causing my sudden severe abdomenal pain and bloody diarrhrea: E-Coli. I remember hearing about an outbreak of it here that’s been occurring since mid-November caused by Romaine lettuce and then I also remember the day after New Year’s I did have some Romaine lettuce( quite a bit of it actually) on my sammich and I remember it clearly because it was on the chicken I’d saved from the day before for my lunch and when I Googled info on E-Coli it said bloody diarrhrea and cramps is a symptom that typically occurs 3-4 days after you’ve eaten the infected thing….so….it makes me wonder,and it is possible.  They said it usually clears up on it’s own within a week but in some cases can progress to complications (Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome) that destroy red blood cells and platelets and shut down your kidneys,causing death, and can bring on seizures, heart-attack, stroke, etc. So far in Ontario there have been 41 reported illnesses due to it and 2 deaths and now Romaine lettuce has been taken off grocery shelves and recalled but not before alot of people consumed it, incl. me! They say if you develop the complication it typically occurs 5-10 days after the onset of the diarrhrea so I’ll just have to wait a few days and see… so it could possibly be that, or maybe my hubby really is poisoning me and just “ramping it up” more now ,increasing it, to hurry me along….poisoning symptoms are similar and the same as I’ve been having for months; the bloody diarrhrea, the abdomenal cramps, nausea, liver and kidney damage, seizures, weight loss…

I also had a dream I was somewhere and Buddy was with me but when it came time to leave and go home I couldn’t find him and I refused to leave without him, and if I ever am able to move out and start a new life I would want to furnish my place with antique furniture, such as French Provincial style and claw-foot tub and an assortment of pieces from bygone eras,and my friend P(from grade 6) and her BF are in Antigua now (I loved it there) and they’ve travelled 12 times over 3 1/2 years and last year he even took her on a cruise for her 50th birthday,too; I never even even got any special recognition for my 50th; my family sucks. My hubby also accused me of being racist too when that’s the complete opposite of who I am and everything I believe in and even as a kid my mother used to say that my birthday parties looked like the United Nations….he just gets me so mad; he’s such an asshole! he’s also ruined my life.

A FB friend’s sister also had her second baby and she almost died; she lost 35 litres (that’s not a typo!) of blood( you only have 6 litres in your body!) and was transfused with 45 litres and used up the entire supply from the blood bank and was put on life-support for 4 days before they finally were able to take her off the ventilator and she could breathe on her own and they didn’t think she was going to survive but she did and she’s now recovering but her baby still has complications. That’s just like….Oh my God….wow… I was also thinking what my own dying last words would most likely be if I have the chance to say them, depending on the circumstances of my death: I would say to the kids I’m sorry, sorry that I wasn’t the mother that you wanted or felt you deserved but I meant well and I just tried to protect you and raise you godly, and I would tell my mother, I’m sorry what happened to our relationship once I had kids, and to Buddy I would tell him, I love you Buddy. Thank you for being my best friend. You’re the best dog I ever had, and to my hubby: Fuck you!

 

Road Trip.

Screen Shot 12-18-17 at 06.53 PM Later today after the 14 YR old’s app’t at the clinic my hubby’s taking some of the kids on a road trip for a week. He’s on vacation for 2 weeks and they’ll be travelling to Toronto and London to visit 2 of the kids plus do some shopping and stuff along the way and while they’re there and then bring the second-oldest and the 21 YR old back with them to visit over Christmas for a few days. The 18 YR old’s also taking the train up to visit as well. While they’ll be gone it also gives me a bit of a break and vacation too as I don’t have to plan, prepare,and supervise meals, and also don’t have to keep track of the time for every 2 HRS, and it’ll be alot quieter here with less people, plus no one here to sabotage my stuff and save $$$$ as well with less loads of laundry to do and less food. So they’ll have a fun adventure and I’ll get a nice break,too!

Buddy also finally shit after not for days and I still have the headache and feel dizzy, spacey, woozy, and now my ears ache as well and I woke up coughing during the night and even remember coughing up some fluid, and I notice my fluid retention’s worse again,too, esp. my fingers and ankles and lower legs and my skin’s looking yellow-ish( jaundice) again as well. Ugh. A FB friend also posted how when she looks at her husband she can’t believe how lucky she is(to have him) and I said I feel the same way about my dog and then she got all bent out of shape accusing me of comparing her husband to a dog which I never did and was never my intention; my point was just simply that when I look at my dog I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him in my life, and she accuses me of “demeaning” him,etc. and then de-friended me,and it really hurt because I’ve never been anything but a good friend to both of them. Some people just suck. Some people just take things the wrong way and no matter what I do it always somehow seems to get twisted around , taken the wrong way, and people hate me for it.

The Thing On My Foot.

Screen Shot 06-08-17 at 11.22 AM I still have the gross thing on my foot, seen here. Now it’s really itchy and starting to scab a bit along the edges which I guess is a good thing as it’s a sign of healing, but it’s also getting more red along the outside,too, so it might be infected, plus it’s also tender and sore(even more so when my shoes rub on it and it hurts when I walk) but I am trying to keep it clean and putting an antibiotic cream on it several times a day, plus keeping it covered and clean and dry with a band-aid. At first I just thought it was peeling from the sun but now I’m not so sure as it’s deeper than just a normal peeling sunburn and it feels different, plus this clear fluid oozes out of it, so I’m not sure what it is; it’s quite the mystery, but I don’t think it’s flesh-eating disease though as that spreads really quickly and I don’t have a fever or anything and the tissue doesn’t look dead…..maybe it was even just a scratch from Buddy’s nails that got infected or something…..who knows…..does anyone reading this have any idea what it might be?

As well, I was talking to the Scottish Lady when I was walking Buddy and she said she’s going to get a dog now,too, as she wants a companion now since her husband died awhile ago and she’s lonely so soon Buddy will have another new little friend on the street, and the 14 and 15 YR olds were making fun of people with dwarfism and Down Syndrome and both they and the 22 YR old always make fun of handicapped people and I told them off for it and asked why they’re always so mean to disabled people and why they don’t like them and the 14 YR old says to me, Why do you like them? and I told her they’re just people and there’s nothing wrong with them and they can’t help how they are to which she snorted, There clearly is something wrong with them! which is very disappointing as that’s not the way I raised them and I don’t like them being mean to people or making fun of people, and the oldest and the 19 YR old in Edmonton said the job situation isn’t good there anymore,either so they’re thinking of maybe going off to Europe at the end of the summer and maybe working on a fishing boat for some adventure. That should be exciting, except that they’d always smell like fish!